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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I thought I was doing better. We buried Alexa yesterday, & where I found the strength do it I do not know. Maybe it was her with me. Dh had his moments yesterday & I was there for him, strong as a rock. I remember dreading getting to the church & then when I saw her lying there, I could not get there fast enough to hold her. She was so beautiful in her pink & white dress & crown of flowers in her hair. I was strong during the burial & reception. Last night we went through the many cards & gifts friends & family gave us. But sleep was restless, even with my Ds snuggling next to me. I have woke up in so much pain. My older children are fighting. I weep. I have lost the strength I had yesterday. Does it ever come back permenatly?
My LLL friends made me a huge quilt, it's softness reminds me of her. I wrap myself in it, but it does not help. I want a child to hold & love. I want a baby to suckle at my breast, not a pump. I saw babies at the store in plastic carries & I just want to grab them and hold them close. Oh this is so awful. I do not know how I will get through this. I try to focus on my kids here & hold them & love them but it is not the same. I still have a huge void in my life right now. I still have battle wounds from her birth. They hurt. My iv placement is now bruised, where they took blood is bruised, I have BP hickies on my arms, my incision & abdomen where they took my child from my womb hurts. The pain today is awful. I just keep crying & can not stop. I do not know what to do. I am supposed to tending to a baby right now & she is gone. Never to come back. I have so much regret in my decisions, I am second guessing everything I believe in. Oh the guilt of it all. I just want to crawl into a hole & be Osama Bin Laudin & hide forever, never to be found. I know I have older children to take care of & nurture but it is not the same. They are self sufficient. I wanted a baby to hold & nurse & bathe & clothe, & change diapers. I wanted a baby to hold in a sling & love.
This is getting long, I could go on forever. I greive. I weep. I am so sad today. I just want the sting to lesson a little bit. Will it ever??????????????
 

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I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, and couldn't possibly leave this thread without posting a
you are such a strong mama. your angel will always be watching over you.
 

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Sweet Christina, I cant even imagine your pain. It is amazing the feeling of pain one can feel and still somehow breath and keeping going on- but then again is there a choice? We can not control life or death and somehow we second guess our choices for some kind of comfort yet it doesnt happen, it makes us feel worse. Death is the hardest part of life, it is unfair and unjust to all. I hope you take the time you need. It is ture, you will never be the same, you never stop hurting but it will get less painful- somehow. Your body needs time, your heart needs time and you need time. I wish there was some magic that could make it all not real, that could take your pain and make it joy. If there was I would bless it to you. I love your daughters name. I will be thinking of you and your family.

 

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I am so sorry.

I wish there were something to say or do.

You are doing this...it doesn't feel like it, but each step you take, each breath you inhale, each hug you give your older children....Your are bravely moving through this really hard and painful time.

keep writing, keep posting, keep feeling. You are doing the hardest work of all by just keeping on.

Hugs and love to you
 

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Cristina,
I just want to send you so many hugs and make it better. It is so so hard in the beginning. Grieving is extremely hard work and it won`t always feel this bad. Feeling it is part of it, the pain is awful, I used to think of this lyric from a Soundgarden song, "Give me little bits of more than I can take." That`s how it felt for me. Each moment can be harder than the next. You will probably have many days like yesterday where you feel stronger,and many days like today, but they do get fewer. Your daughter was so loved and that`s why it hurts so much. I am thinking about you today and I am hoping for some peace for you. It is still very new for you, I wish I could help you , you sound like a wonderful mother and a wonderful person.
 

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I am so sorry, mama. I wish I could help carry your burden so you could get some rest.
 

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Christina,
I cannot read any of your posts without crying ....I know it can't help, but there are people out here who are grieving for you and wish your pain could go away....I know for myself I am loving, hugging, kissing my children more because of your posts....you are so strong and I don't know how you do it....tears are falling down my cheeks as I type this....
I was out driving today and listening to one of my favorite CDs of Celine Dion and it came to the song "My Heart Will Go On" and I thought of you and said a prayer for you and your daughter.....my heart goes out to you and your family!!

"Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.

Far across the distance
and spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on........

Keep posting and getting out your grief in any way you can!! My love to you and your family!!
 

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Cristina, - I type your name then words suddenly feel so inadequate. As the others have said, you are doing what needs to be done to get to tomorrow. Every day just breathe in and out - one day you won't have to remind yourself to do so so much. Time will never take away this wound, but it will lessen the pain a bit. It is still so early. Your daughter is so missed and so loved. You are in my thoughts and I wish so badly that I could take away this tragedy for you.
 

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It never goes away.
: for you.

I never lost a child, G-d spared me that one tragedy in my life.

I did lose a sister, a younger sister who simply fell asleep next to me on the couch while watching television one evening. She was two, I was six.

That was forty-five years ago.

My mom and Father never got over it. There was a hole in our lives, in our hearts where she was and it has never been filled...

The loss of a child is so great that there is no word for it since you cannot replace that child.

When a spouse dies, a person is a widow(er); when parents die, a child is an orphan - someone can replace the spouse or parent.

Bur when a child dies, no child, no one can replace that child. That child lives on in your heart.

Later, you will learn to gather strength from this event, not now.

G-d bless and may S/He carry you in LIFE.

s
 

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OH Cristina,

We are walking a very difficult path. I feel your pain and am grieving right beside you. My son Freddie would be 5 weeks old. He died and we buried him 4 weeks ago. The pain is still overwhelming.

I was wanting to post last night about how much pain I am still in.

Like Alistair's mom wrote, Grieving is hard work. This is the hardest thing any of us will ever have to do. Nothing can be done to me that will hurt more or make me feel any worse. This truly is as low as I can go.

Do not expect to be better right away, and let yourself cry. I still cry everyday more than once, some days it is all I can do not to cry all day long. It is still very hard to get out of bed everyday.

Do you know of anyone who has lost a baby that you can sit and talk to? Or find a local support group. I have found solace in hearing others stories and being with others who know and understand what I am feeling.

Because wanting to crawl into a hole and die is something we do really all have in common.

I read something last night and then changed it up a little to suit my needs....

"unto us a child was born, and then taken away. We do not pretend to understand, only to accept and love"

I am one month out, and still in pain, but am able to do more and more each day. Be proud of yourself when you are able to do little things again. When I was able to give my 2 year old a bath, that was a big day for me. It happens but is a very slow process.

take your time, and be kind to yourself, this was not your fault.
love, Robin
 

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Cristina~
I can't even begin to understand your pain, but I just wanted to post and tell you again that you are not alone. You didn't do anything wrong~ I remember reading your posts in the May Group & I know you did all of the right things for your Alexa. During the time you carried her she was so loved, cherised, nurtured. I know nothing I type can ease the pain, but I will always remember Alexa.
 

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Cristina, I don't know how it would help you, but I can tell you I could have written your post myself.
Perhaps just to know that your feelings are normal, within our new painful normality.

It has been of help to me to write a lot about my feelings, I don't have a lot of people around to talk to, so writing makes my thoughts and feelings somehow acknowledged and that helps.

Tomorrow will be one month since Victor died, and the pain is always there, sometimes stronger than others.

I'm here to talk if you need to.
 

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Cristina,

It seems like yesterday that I was feeling exactly as you are right now. It has been 15 months on the 26th of this month since my baby girl (37 weeks) was cut from my womb and breasts aching only for her, not a pump. I, too, have two other older children...they did/do need me...it still didn't and still doesn't take the pain away.
I can promise you that the pain does get easier and smoother...but it doesn't go away..it never will.

Love, Peace and Comfort to you sister....

~Jackie
 

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i know the pain of not having my babies be where they should be-in my arms.
i think about them constantly and will miss and love them forever.
i only wish they could be here..i would do whatever i had to do to get them back.

but i cant,and it hurts so badly. and i am so deeply sorry that you feel that same pain. it is a longing,a wanting beyond words,isnt it?? and it isnt fair and it doesnt make any sense whatsoever,i dont think it ever wil-it cant.

its also a great joy,alongside the sadness,to have our babes,even if they arent with us as they should be. it is good to be their mums,to have such a strong and endless love for them despite not mothering them here as we would like,to know them as our very own..i am proud of my wee ones,and know they are equal to my earthbound children no matter what others may think..my husband and i will always understand how special they are..thats not something everyone sees. i am glad that i could hold them in my womb for that little time,that they knew that warm and cozy place for awhile. i only wish it was longer,i only wish they could be here with me now..

i know im not helping,but i just wanted to say "i understand"..the hurt and the wondering why and the desperate desire for your baby back..and that i am so sorry..just so so sorry that you have to know this pain too..i wish that you didnt have to..

 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Thank you caring Mamas so much. Today is a much better day. Last evening was bad as well, with my sisters ill words. I struck back the only way I could & yelled so hard that my abdomen hurt. Afterwards Dh & I came home with our other two kids. They were so mad at their Auntie for being so calous. Anyway, we watched Star Wars IV, and it really helped to go to another place in my mind. Half way through the movie, I had guilt for not being absorbed with Alexa. Where is the balance????? Dh & I actually stopped the movie after the other 2 fell asleep & went over her pictures again.

I fear forgetting my Alexa. Did anyone feel that way too? I am writing & journaling so much so that I can read back later what I was feeling so I do not forget. I know for me with my 1st two, the memories fade of them moving inside me, but I had them on the outside so it was ok. With Alexa that is all have! That is all I knew of her, and I fear not remembering her. That makes me so sad, I never want to forget her moving & growing inside me.

Thank you for being her for me. I feel everyones support. Does anyone know of SHARE? Anyone go?
 

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I can only tell you what I wanted people to tell me. You will get through. And you won't forget. You can't. She is a part of you and will forever be in your mind and heart. But eventually it will be with joy and gratitude that you will remember her. I don't know what your sister said to you that hurt so much, but I can tell you that it is best to just forgive those people. I really believe they just don't have a clue what to say or how to say it and the anger we feel towards them isn't really about them, it is about the pain we are in and it gives us an external outlet for our anger at the situation we find ourselves in. At least that is my experience. I am going to post here a poem that a woman (that I didn't know) gave to me at my son's funeral. She had been given it to her at her son's funeral. Not a good legacy, I know, but the one that we have inherited.

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine," He said,
"for you to love while he lives and mourn for while he's dead.
It may be six or seven weeks or years 22 or 3,
but will you, till I call him back, take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief
you'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,
but there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked this wide world over in my search for teachers true,
and from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,
nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"
I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, thy will be done,
for all the joy thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
and for the happiness we've know, forever grateful stay,
but should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned
we'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."

It has been 8 years for my family, and please if anyone thinks it would help, please PM me. I would consider it an honor to support you through this difficult time. To me it is one of the ways that some good comes from such a painful loss and a way to honor my own child's memory.

: Patty, mother to
Abdullah (12/07/91-01/16/97),
Yousuf 07/05/02, and
Tabarak 02/14/05. Married to DH for 15 years
.
 

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It's a sad sisterhood to which we belong. An exclusive club you do not want to join.

To Cristina: Yes, I know a bit about SHARE. It's a support group dealing specifically with Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss. After our daughter died this past January, my husband and I attended several sessions. We did find them helpful. We've also attended (and are still attending) private counseling.
What I've found most beneficial is a validation of what we're experiencing. For the first several months I really thought I was losing my mind. I would hear a baby crying, or I would break down crying uncontrollably, or I couldn't focus enough to remember to rinse the shampoo from my hair. My entire body ached, I had no ambition nor did I care. I just wanted to sleep and never wake.
The support group, and counseling, guided us through those first incredibly difficult months.
We are now almost 7 months out in our grief work. I've learned grief is very much like waves in an ocean. One moment I would feel as though I was finally getting a handle on my life, I could smile when thinking of her and function well enough. Then, suddenly, what happened would come crashing down on me and I'd have a "bad day." I've learned to accept and work around my decreased ability, to roll with the waves. The world will not end if I don't vacuum the cat hair from the sunny spot in front of the window. If I need some alone time or have a particularly bad day, I don't go to work. If I don't feel like cooking, we'll get take out.
SHARE and counseling didn't shorten the journey across the ocean of grief. They enabled me to find what was necessary to use as my own personal life preserver.
All I can suggest is try it and see if it helps you.

-Angela
Olivia's mommy 10/11/04 - 01/01/05
 
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