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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Some of you may remember my thread a while back about my future MIL cutting me out of a picture that was my family (me, my DP and my daughters) right after they were born. Well, my DP finally said something to her about it and how "we" wanted her to take it down (who knows if he really said both of us wanted it down, he is so afraid of hurting her feelings...). I guess she did take it down, but reluctulantly. His father and her confronted me about it and couldn't understand why I wanted it down. It turns out his dad didnt even know I was in it to begin with, and his mother felt like we were "attacking" her and trying to make her look like the bad person. I think she tried to turn it around on me by saying "I am hurt that you would think I meant something by that...". I ended up in tears and feeling like an idiot.

Well it hit the roof again today. Somehow it got brought back up between DP and I and we were argueing over it again. He said that when he asked his mom to take it down she was actually really P*#sed over it and wasn't happy. He agrees with her. He things I was making something of nothing over it. He won't even let me talk, or try to see things my way, he thinks I am just looking into things too much and making a big deal over nothing. I feel like the only "right" way in his eyes is his mom's way and I will never be right about anything. I am so frustrated and hurt right now.

I am so hurt right now, I had to vent. Sorry.
 

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Wow, that sucks. I personally have trouble being around family members who don't love me. I'd make it clear to her that she needs to change her ways or she will see less of you and her grandchildren.

Also, I'd be tempted to have that picture "disappear".
:
 

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If someone cuts you out of a picture, it means something.

I suggest taking a photo of you and your partner and children, and then cutting him out of it and putting it up. Do the same with a photo of his Mom, and the kids.

See how long it is until it "means" something to them suddenly.

The fact is, they both know that it means something. They are lying, emotionally to you and themselves. They just don't like you standing up for yourself. Too bad.

(then take them back down. It is for a point, not for permanance).
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Okay, so he did tell me what he really said to her.

He didn't include a "we" in it at all, just "Erin wants you to". So all along I was happy thinking regardless of how he felt about it he made it clear that we are a team, but really he didn't even say that. He didn't say "we" because he didn't agree with me about it and he didn't want his mom to think he did. And his mom went off about how she can't believe I would think she would do that intentionally to hurt me and "doesn't erin know that I care about her?!?".

He just doesn't get how that little picture would make someone upset, *he* wouldn't get upset about it. That is why he doesn't agree with me, because it shouldnt make someone upset.

And according to his mother she would EXPECT that I take her out of a picture if I looked that bad too. She wouldn't want a picture of her like that displayed at someone's house. So she was really doing it for my benefit, of course, silly me.

It's just funny to me that EVERYONE else I have talked to about this seems to think along the same lines as me. but I am wrong. He says that the only reason why people agree with me is because they haven't heard his mom say that she didn't mean anything. Hell, even if she didn't mean anything by it, it was just so freaking rude!

I feel so petty for STILL bringing this matter up. I really do. I want to just drop it but it's in the back of my head just nagging. I feel so pathetic, I guess I really should just let it go this time.
 

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Erin - the fact that he refuses to back you in even this "petty" matter is indicative of much larger problems than a picture that your MIL cut you out in spitefulness.

I don't know if marrying this guy is the right thing to do. What if you or one of the kids were seriously ill? What if you were having major marriage problems? How much would nosy, drama-queen, controlling MIL factor in with regard to decisions and such?

If he marries you, he leaves his mother and father. That's the way it's supposed to be. You and the kids are now his family.

Mama's boys!
:
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ThreeJane View Post
Erin - the fact that he refuses to back you in even this "petty" matter is indicative of much larger problems than a picture that your MIL cut you out in spitefulness.

I don't know if marrying this guy is the right thing to do. What if you or one of the kids were seriously ill? What if you were having major marriage problems? How much would nosy, drama-queen, controlling MIL factor in with regard to decisions and such?

If he marries you, he leaves his mother and father. That's the way it's supposed to be. You and the kids are now his family.

Mama's boys!
:
I agree with you. He says that he isn't taking "sides" that even if it were an aunt or friend or stranger that did that to the picture he would still feel the same way. I honestly feel that he was taught to NEVER disagree with his mother, sister, father on anything. I feel like he is completely brainwashed by these people. He tells me the only person that makes a big deal about these things are me.

I am convinced his mom is off her rocker. After we got engaged she sat right in front of me telling everyone that *she* picked out my ring...DP corrected her and said "Mom, no you didn't, Erin did". Another time she told me that people should be feeling bad for her because she got hit with three grandchildren all at once (my twins and DP's neice) and she didn't ask for that.
: She hardly ever helps with the girls anyways, if ever. When I told DP that she said that he told me "I'm sure she didn't mean it that way, im positive of it." I will tell you, she DID mean it that way, she said it so matter of fact, it blew my mind. How could you regret your grandchildren? And why should people feel bad for you? She tries to justify in any way possible the fact she hardly ever spends time with my babies but spends time with her other granddaughter every single day. I guess anything that makes her feel better....

I don't know what to do, I know this means more than just a picture situation, to me it feels like the big picture, yet when we sit down and talk about everything I feel like maybe he is right. I don't know, I DO know I don't want to be brainwashed with the rest of them.
 

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If she really felt she was taking you out of the picture *for your sake* because she wouldn't want to be seen just post-partum, then she wouldn't have had a problem displaying the picture correctly once you cleared up her mistaken assumption. To refuse to do so clearly means she had another agenda.

So who does your DP want to be in an adult partnership with, you or his mother? (That's not a question for you, that one's for him!)
 

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I completely agree with the previous posts. Might I also suggest having a new pic taken of you, your DP and DD's. That way you can all look your best and no one needs to be cut out. This won't solve anything but......
 

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Please don't let anyone minimize the intent behind cutting you out of a picture. It's immature and it's cruel. I don't know how it could be more obvious. She wants you out of the picture--and I'm not talking about just the literal picture. She wants you out of her son's life.

When my dad married his second wife, my sister and I visited them and all of the photos of us were gone or either put in out-of-the-way places where no one could really see them. It's been years and this still cuts really deep with me. I will never understand why my dad allowed that to happen.

I don't have a lot of sympathy for your DP. Sure, maybe he CAN'T truly understand why you think this is a big deal. But shouldn't he be trying his best to? For the woman he loves? Why should you have to justify that you are hurt? Isn't it just enough that you are hurting? Shouldn't that be enough for him to want to work this issue out? IMO telling you that you are overreacting is adding insult to injury. Plus, he is an adult male--I don't buy that brainwashing stuff. He is choosing to act this way and he is hurting you.

I'm just so angry for you. You deserve more compassion and respect.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Erin11 View Post
I feel so petty for STILL bringing this matter up. I really do. I want to just drop it but it's in the back of my head just nagging. I feel so pathetic, I guess I really should just let it go this time.


It's not the picture that's important to you. You know that. If your MIL was a truly loving person, you would know that. If your DH was doing the right thing, you would know that. And then the picture would not be important at all (and most likely would have happened quite differently if at all).

What's important is something else, which the picture now symbolizes.

You know what, my relationship has benefited enormously from my learning about this "law of attraction" stuff. I discovered that a lot of perfectly reasonable stuff I was doing was adding to the problem, and if I was positive in a well-applied way, things turned out way better... sometimes in ways I wouldn't have expected. Relationship problems just went in different directions.

what I would do would be...

...concentrate on your ultimate desire from the situation, rather than how to get there.
...find what you can to appreciate about the current situation, and really enjoy it. These are the feelings that will help to move everyone to a better place.
...when you feel bad, see if you can improve it step by step by choosing a thought that feels slightly better, and then one that feels slightly better than that, etc. If not, go and do something else, just distract yourself. There is no virtue in feeling worse and worse.
...anything that makes you feel good is good! Let yourself feel as if you already have your ultimate desire fulfilled.

It's really amazing how it works. By being positive, you just change the paradigm. It's the only thing that's helped with DH & me.

Either way I am sure things will work out.


ETA: Oh and you know what? Bravo for you for standing up on the picture. You did the right thing. You can let it go knowing that.
 

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My DH says that is just pure BS. He says we'd be moving.

I doubt that was the only possible photo that could have gone up. The message is clear, cruel and petty, and your partner is wrong.

Do get a new picture, and present it. This would speak volumes.
 

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i know he fathered your precious babies, but please don't marry him. sorry, but it seems like as long as his mother is alive, you'll never be number one in his life. don't you think you deserve better? i certainly think you do.

s
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you ladies, for all of the kind and thoughtful responses. I really really appreciate them.

I am so torn right now. He is such a great father, and most of the time a good partner. When it doesn't involve his family.

I feel like maybe I am the person looking into things way too much, and maybe I just need to let things go a little easier, afterall this picture had been up for over a year before I made a stink about it.

Now I am feeling more betrayed than anything. I was driving tonight and thinking about how he just told me what he thought I wanted to hear, about how good I felt that he had my back no matter what he thought. That was all a lie. Now I'm wondering what he really said to his mom when she was being angry, was he agreeing with her? Which in turn would make me look even worse for bringing it up.

I am not "allowed" to bring it up anymore with him or he said he will leave, he said it's over and done with and he can't stand to hear about it anymore. I'm not "allowed" to talk bad about his mother or sister. I do have a problem with keeping my mouth shut sometimes which is disrespectful to him, he never says a bad word about my family, ever.

Does anyone think we would benefit from couples counseling? He is willing to go, but I don't have health insurance right now, and it is so expensive. I think that maybe if he heard from a non-biased opinion what I have been trying to tell him, that it might help. I don't know.

Thanks again, I appreciate it so much
 

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Wow. You're not "allowed" to bring it back up to him? Seriously?
:

You seem like such a sweet, genuine person. And you deserve better.
You said how great it felt when you thought he had your back.. that's how it SHOULD be. He should be concerned about your feelings and you should be his #1 concern. The two of you should be a team (especially if you're considering marriage!). But it needs to be a reality.. he should respect your feelings. His attitude seems condescending
And he can't just tell you what he thinks you want to hear.. honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. If you don't have that, you don't have his respect.
 

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Quote:
I am not "allowed" to bring it up anymore with him or he said he will leave, he said it's over and done with and he can't stand to hear about it anymore. I'm not "allowed" to talk bad about his mother or sister. I do have a problem with keeping my mouth shut sometimes which is disrespectful to him, he never says a bad word about my family, ever.
Let me start by saying that I obviously don't know you and I don't know your partner. That said, wow. Talk about being disrespectful! This man is treating you very poorly. Not a good sign. I wish you strength in dealing with this however you see fit.

I have to say, I would be out the door.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Erin11 View Post
Now I am feeling more betrayed than anything. I was driving tonight and thinking about how he just told me what he thought I wanted to hear, about how good I felt that he had my back no matter what he thought. That was all a lie.
He's not being supportive and now he's lying too. I ran this by DH and he said this crap would not fly with him. He said he would get his mother a new pic that included me. He also said that he wouldn't marry this person if he were you because he feels like it wouldn't last and that he could even become resentful of you, all with Mommy's help and encouragement.

Quote:
I am not "allowed" to bring it up anymore with him or he said he will leave, he said it's over and done with and he can't stand to hear about it anymore. I'm not "allowed" to talk bad about his mother or sister.
Soooo....it's okay for him to lie to you and disrespect you and now you can't talk about your feelings -- you can't talk about something that is seriously distressing to you or he will leave? I would say you have far more substantial grounds for leaving than he does.

I would never marry this man and be involved in his horrible family. Take a lesson from KentuckyDoulaMama's thread about how her MIL has meddled in her life.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by mama2babybeans View Post
Wow. You're not "allowed" to bring it back up to him? Seriously?
:

.
:

Yeah, that. You can't marry someone who treats you this way. It will get worse and not better. So he's a good partner except when it requires him to have a backbone--that's how you know the content of someone's character, if they're there for you when the chips are down, kwim?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Honestly, I would probably leave if I weren't so scared. I am 20 yrs old with two small children, a measly part time 16 hr a week job, no assests, NOTHING. There is no room at my parents house for me and the girls, and I wouldn't be able to bear living away from my daughters. DP has already told me that if things didn't work out with us he would sell our place and just move back in to his parents nice 5,000 sq ft+ home, he wouldn't have to work as much and would have no bills.
: I also can't bear the thought of my daughters "living" at his mothers house, even if it is once in a while. So I guess I just grin and bear it. If there is one thing I don't want, it is for my children to not turn out like them.

I KNOW that I don't deserve these things, and I need to stop trying to convince myself otherwise. I am SO sick of my DP saying that I'm being selfish, even though he is oblivious when I try to "fix" everything I am doing "wrong" (not helping around the house, etc). I am sick of faking nice to his mom and sister. I am sick of my feelings being put on the back burner for the sake of his comfort level. I am sick of feeling like he doesn't care, I am sick of trying to justify and rationalize all of this in my head. I am sick of telling myself that it's okay even though I know it's not. I am so sick of him yelling at me when I bring "issues" up and not being able to get a word in edgewise because no matter what (in his own words) "he won't agree with me" and "I am wrong". or "I am looking for a reason to not like his family". I am SO sick of him being so damn protective of his family but NOT protective of me.

I am so scared to be a single mother without a leg to stand on. I am scared of being alone, because regardless I love him and I would miss him a whole hell of a lot. I wouldn't miss all of this crap, but I would miss him and our times together. I thought he was my best friend. I have no friends anymore, I have been a really sh*ty friend since the girls were born. Basically severing all ties that I have to normalcy. I feel so lost and so scared. So burnt out.

And as I sit here typing this I am crying because I know this is the closest I have come to the truth in so long, and it is so scary.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Erin11 View Post
Does anyone think we would benefit from couples counseling? He is willing to go, but I don't have health insurance right now, and it is so expensive. I think that maybe if he heard from a non-biased opinion what I have been trying to tell him, that it might help. I don't know.

That's the best idea on this whole thread. I would pursue it no matter the cost.
 
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