The pull toward adoption

697 Views 7 Replies 6 Participants Last post by hairylegs, Aug 22, 2006

hairylegs

Discussion Starter · Aug 14, 2006

I need to write a post about what I've been going through the past few weeks, and I would love to hear some feedback from you wise moms.
I have 2 bio children, and don't have fertility issues. We want a large family and just felt struck by, called to, led to, whatever you want to call it, adoption. We felt really strong about this, and felt very excited. We signed up with an adoption agency and were gathering our paperwork for our homestudy. Then we got pregnant (shock, surprise, wow!). I was excited, even though my heart was really mourning the loss of the opportunity to adopt. I can't really explain that emotion, but although I was excited to be pregnant (well, to be honest, I wasn't excited to be pregnant, because I am a really sick pregnant woman), but I had to be excited about the outcome, the baby, because that's all I could be. So, I figured we could always adopt in the future. Then I had a miscarriage. It was sad, but now that it's all over, I am more excited than ever about adoption. And I also feel guilty about that. I don't think I subconsciously caused the miscarriage, because I was truly happy to be having another baby, but I do feel guilty. I'm trying not to read too much into the fact that we had a miscarriage, but I have always felt that I have a spiritual connection with some spirit out there that is not my bio. child, and that child is going to be our next child.
I know this is not a post with a question at the end to reply to, but I just wanted to post. I am feeling very happy, sad, guilty, euphoric, and I'm hoping it's because my hormones are trying to get themselves balanced out after being pregnant.

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Tigeresse

· #2 · Aug 14, 2006

Quote:

but I have always felt that I have a spiritual connection with some spirit out there that is not my bio. child, and that child is going to be our next child.

I think your spirit child agrees with you, for whatever reason you had to go through a pregnancy/miscarriage to get to that point.

to you.

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Stayseeliz

· #3 · Aug 14, 2006

We're in a similar situation here. We have two bio children and have always felt the pull/call/desire to adopt. We went to Romania and worked in orphanges 6 years ago and have known we've always wanted to adopt since then.

I've been ready to adopt for over a year but DH wanted to wait until we had another bio child then adopt 1 or 2 and be done. I got pregnant in May and very much wanted the child but was concerned about my health issues (blood sugar, etc). I then miscarried in June and grieved and grieved that child. But now I have very little desire to be pregnant again. I would like to nurse again but I feel no real desire to go through everything pregnancy entails (I have hard pregnancies).

We are starting the adoption process and I'm very excited. I also think there is a child of my heart out there waiting for me. Hopefully two or three of them. But I'm really not sure I want to be pregnant again. My children suffer when I am pregnant because my health deteriorates so much!!

So we're in similar boats!! Adoption is so exciting isn't it???

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vermonttaylors

· #4 · Aug 14, 2006

I understand what you mean. We did not have bio kids, but I remember as soon as we signed the papers worrying so much about getting pregnant that we went on birth control.

I think that what you are feeling is the "knowing" many adoptive parents say they feel when they talk about meeting their child for the first time, or "knowing" their whole lives they were going to adopt children. I used to have adoption fantasies the way some women have pregnancy fantasies.

Your spirit child's pull to you may simply be stronger than some other people's. Clearly you are not ambivilant about adoption and that is a GOOD thing. Both for you and your future child. Not that it wouldn't have been a blessing to have your third bio child here with us, but maybe that spirit wasn't ready yet.

All I know is that longing for your adopted/spirit child DID NOT CAUSE YOUR MC!!!!! Don't beat yourself up about it. Just keep your heart open so you can hear where your future child is calling you from. You never know where you might wind up!

Good Luck!

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DeannaK

· #5 · Aug 15, 2006

After dealing with three of the best reproductive doctors in Southern California, going through infertility drugs and BS, after hearing all three saying, "you guys look perfect, you should get pregnant".

: we decided to adopt.

There is a reason we didn't get pregnant and that reason is my son Jake. I will always mourn not getting pregnant and I hope that one day I will, but Jake found us. I really believe that he chose us to be his parents and thats why I couldn't get pregnant. I'm not totally crazy, other adoptive moms have told me this too!

Quote:

I would like to nurse again but I feel no real desire to go through everything pregnancy entails (I have hard pregnancies

Totally possible! Relactation is much easier than inducing lactation which I did (not very successfully). I've got links on my blog (click Lactavist category)

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hairylegs

Discussion Starter · #6 · Aug 15, 2006

Thank you all for replying. It is so nice to read supportive words. I feel like my friends/family are at a loss as to what to say, which is pretty common in m/c I think, but they are all wondering, "when will you try to get pregnant again?" Thank goodness my husband is just as excited about adoption as I am. I hope to be posting more soon as we continue this adoption journey!

vermonttaylors-I read your website faithfully everyday on your trip to Kaz for Grace-what an awesome family you have!

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wagaboodles

· #7 · Aug 22, 2006

I know a few other mamas who don't want to be pregnant, but aren't done having kids. I think it's beautiful. I understand your mixed emotions, and I would probably have them, too, but if it's of any comfort, I don't think you should feel guilty. I'm not sure what else to say, but have a hug!

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hairylegs

Discussion Starter · #8 · Aug 22, 2006

Thanks for the words of support. I think as my hormones try to get back to normal levels, I'm having wild emotion swings......Everytime I see a baby or pregnant mom, I get a little weepy. I have a dear friend who is also pregnant and whenever she talks about feeling the baby move, etc., I feel a a pang of jealousy, although I am totally happy for her, of course. We decided to wait till December to start the adoption stuff again, mostly because I am still recovering, and our 2 year old is going through some tough times, we'd like to focus on him for a while. But I think once we contact our SW again and get the ball rolling on adoption, I'll have that to focus on and will feel much more settled. Thanks for the hugs and support.

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