Let me recount one of the saddest conversations I've had in a long time--let me also add that my father is not a monster. He is a very wonderful man, albeit very wounded in many ways.
We were talking about how difficult the adjustment has been for my nearly two-year-old dd since the baby has been born. I was telling him I was angry at her a lot of the time for doing things to get my attention--things like taking off her diaper and pooping on the floor, hitting and screaming, chasing me around and spitting at me. I said that I knew my mood and frustrations were only making the situation worse and that I felt overwhelmed and wanted to spank her sometimes--but that I knew it wouldn't solve anything and that it would be a terrible thing to do.
Dad: You wanna know what will solve all of your problems? Now listen very closely, because it WILL work if you do it right.
Me: Okay...
Dad: She's what? Almost 2?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: Ok, she's the perfect age. You can't do this with older kids because it will humilate them. My parents did this kind of thing to me until I was much too old.
Me: (cringing) ok...
Dad: The next time you want to change her behavior, you gotta just smack her--smack her hard. You can't talk to her, just smack her. I tell ya, I did this with you and your sister. It works. But you can't spend your time trying to talk to them or giving hugs...then they see you are weak.
Me: Oh dad.
Dad: I know it sounds horrible, but they get the message. You did. I only had to do it once or twice to you because you got the message.
Me: Yeah, but I don't want to send my kids that kind of message.
Dad: Ok, so what would you do if you lived in a house with a pool and Zoe loved water and knew how to open doors to get out there? The pool doesn't have a fence and you can't afford one. She knows how to get through any door. What do you do? Talk to her or beat the crap out of her so she doesn't go in the pool?
Me: I put her in a life jacket.
Dad: (pause) Good answer. Good answer.
By the end of teh conversation, I felt just sick. Sick for his upbringing and sick when I think about my 2-year-old self getting smacked.
When you know better, you do better.
Jesse
We were talking about how difficult the adjustment has been for my nearly two-year-old dd since the baby has been born. I was telling him I was angry at her a lot of the time for doing things to get my attention--things like taking off her diaper and pooping on the floor, hitting and screaming, chasing me around and spitting at me. I said that I knew my mood and frustrations were only making the situation worse and that I felt overwhelmed and wanted to spank her sometimes--but that I knew it wouldn't solve anything and that it would be a terrible thing to do.
Dad: You wanna know what will solve all of your problems? Now listen very closely, because it WILL work if you do it right.
Me: Okay...
Dad: She's what? Almost 2?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: Ok, she's the perfect age. You can't do this with older kids because it will humilate them. My parents did this kind of thing to me until I was much too old.
Me: (cringing) ok...
Dad: The next time you want to change her behavior, you gotta just smack her--smack her hard. You can't talk to her, just smack her. I tell ya, I did this with you and your sister. It works. But you can't spend your time trying to talk to them or giving hugs...then they see you are weak.
Me: Oh dad.
Dad: I know it sounds horrible, but they get the message. You did. I only had to do it once or twice to you because you got the message.
Me: Yeah, but I don't want to send my kids that kind of message.
Dad: Ok, so what would you do if you lived in a house with a pool and Zoe loved water and knew how to open doors to get out there? The pool doesn't have a fence and you can't afford one. She knows how to get through any door. What do you do? Talk to her or beat the crap out of her so she doesn't go in the pool?
Me: I put her in a life jacket.
Dad: (pause) Good answer. Good answer.
By the end of teh conversation, I felt just sick. Sick for his upbringing and sick when I think about my 2-year-old self getting smacked.
When you know better, you do better.
Jesse
