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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<<edited to ay: "Sorry so long!!!">><br><br>
I was the kind of mother which was always tense and always yelling and screaming at my children. I even got to one point where I was convinced the only way my children were going to listen was through hitting them. I would take the wooden sticks I cook with and hit them on the hand enough to hurt. Then I would think ok well i won't scream and i would hold it in and then suddenly one of the kids will be whining and whinining until I can't take it anymore and I would explode yelling at them in a ways that was least expected to them and to me. It would scare them and put them in a more awful mood and i would walk away to my room and lock the door. i just want to be alone I thought. Well that was going on for months, when I finally realized that too was not working.<br><br>
No one in the household would listen to me, bedtime was a time of fights and screaming, on my part and theirs, and space problems on where each was going to sleep. My ten year old dd avoids me. During the day, the problems were never ending. I can go on and on about the sibling rivalry between all of them.<br><br>
I broke down into tears one night thinking about all of this, and realized that I have to change. Well it wasn't until months later that I actually started to change. Why did it take months, I am not sure. But I know that daily I said I would change but I would fall back into my screaming and yelling and I had no strategies or no other plan so I would fail and be upset at myself at the end of the day.<br><br>
I would see these boards, and avoid coming as I knew that I would not be able to apply anything. After analyzing myself, I realized that I had to deal with my own emotional and mental problems before I tried to deal with my children. After thinking and thinking and more thinking, I realized that these kids are my responsibility and I have to try my best to make them happy and only then will I be happy. So I have to try to eliminate what emotionally is not making me happy so that I can deal with them. But my problems with my kids didnt just start last year. I haven't been able to deal with my dd since she was two and now she is ten. My problems are deep rooted I thought. But I had to change and be a relaxed person. I realized my dad was the same way. He never smiled and was always upset and tense and stressed out in the house. he rarely talked to us. So I thought I have to change myself i don't have to be this way. I can talk and smile and be good to my kids. I can do it. I have to change.<br><br>
I was in the bookstore and I passed by a book called, "How to negotiate with your children even when you dont want to" by Brown...the book is not in front of me right now but i think that is what it is called. I picked it up hoping that it would help me. I really really loved the book because it went through the exact thought line that I had. It talked about dealing with yourself and your inner feelings and trying to fix them before you try to change the way you are with your kids. He gives excellent examples and teaches you how to change the way you talk to your kids. Instead of being Hitler and holding all control it teaches you how to talk to your kids in a way that is not pointing fingers. It teaches you to treat your kids as humans. You dont go pointing fingers at people in your office. You think before you say anything to them. the same goes for your kids - you treat them as individuals that are worthy of your respect. You have to talk to them carefully and most importantly listen to them carefully. And the most important thing is love. Give them lots of love and hugs and kisses. Show them you love them and tell them you love them. From their actions and their constant bickering and fighting, I would push them away when they came to hug me. I felt hatred towards them because of their actions. Eventhough I feel I shouldn't have felt that way.<br><br>
To tell you the truth, I never imagined that I could change. I never imagined that I would be happy with my kids or my kids happy with me. I began by changing my mindset. By thinking of them as individuals that have to act and react and behave in certain ways. Thinking of them as individuals that have a different perspective on life and that our perspectives can meet on common ground but we have to work towards it.<br><br>
So I took it one day at a time. I think they were shocked when I started hugging and kissing them. Each of them carefully and with love. My ds said you love me? In a real questioning way and I said of course I do. I almost cried. It was the hardest with my dd. I would kiss her but she was resisting almost like she did not want the kisses. Well, its been so long since i had showed her any love. It was always yelling and screaming about her cleanliness, and the messy room and the homewokd not being done, and the fighting with her younger brother. I was sure that she hated me. I never gave her any slack. it would take time to fix this. Then I started telling them we would be treating each other diffeerently and we would work on lowering our voices and respecting each other and most of all loving each other. I told them we would try to listen to each other carefully and let each other finish before we jump in. Especially me, I would jump in and attack before they even finished talking.<br><br>
I used strategies from the book and I started reading other things like these boards. I saw some instant changes...i mean within a week my ds of five years old stopped bedwetting. my dd who usually wakes up screaming would wake up and come to me in my bed for hugs. my older dd started smiling. Thats one thing I realized is I never smile. I am always tense and in a bad mood. I started smiling alot in front of them.<br><br>
5 weeks later, my older dd has started opening up to me and she talks to me about problems she has in school. I never knew anything bout her life or what is happening in school with her. I am her friend now and I try to help her through her problems and give her advice without pointing a finger. I try to soothe her when she is upset and show her that I really care about what is going on with her life and even give her examples from when I was growing up. I give her privileges because she is older like staying up late and helping me cook, etc. She is much much happier and so am I.<br><br>
the younger ones are not fighting as much. We do lots of activities together in the house. I color with them and play with them. We read books together and sing and play. (things we never had time to do because all of the fighting and hatred).<br><br>
Every problem is dealt with carefully in the house. I am not an expert but I try to get them to think before they react. I try to get them to put words to their crying. I mean to tell me how they feel. Are you crying because you are mad or sad ? Or are you upset at someone ? Or does it hurt somewhere? once I get them talking they calm down quite a bit and I can isolate what is going on. If they want something we usually try to come to some sort of agreement. Like my ds wanted to eat a sandwich before lunch cuz he was hungry. We made an agreement that if he ate the sandwich that his lunch would become his dinner. He helped me with the agreement. We were both happy. So he ate the sandwich and for dinner I gave him his lunch.<br><br>
Its that kind of agreement that I strive for. One that makes them happy and me happy. It doesn't always work out and I am always thinking of more ways to make both sides happy. Always with love - kisses and hugs and caresses.<br><br>
We still have problems and I still sometimes fall back into yelling but nothing like before. Even if I do it once, its not like it was. They are shocked now when I yell. and they say you are yelling mom, how come?<br><br>
The tenseness in the house is gone. Everyone is relaxed. there is alot of laughter and fun. My dh who is not around much even sensed that things have changed. He has always told me that I need to change my way with the kids but it was soo hard. I hated that he was soo good with them, and I wasn't ..everything I learned to do with them, comes naturally with him. Thats why they love him so much. When he would walk in the house, immediately the mood would change for the better. Once he leaves, everyone is back to their tenseness and yelling and screaming. Now if he stays or goes its the same. Everyone is happy.
 

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Wow - what an amazing transformation in your life. I'm speechless, it was really a miracle you came upon that book. So happy for you and your family. What a fabulous thing to share.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/happytears.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="happytears">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bow2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bow2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/happytears.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="happytears">:<br><br>
This is one of the most inspiring posts I've read in a while. Kudos to you, mama, for breaking the cycle and giving yourself and your children their childhoods back. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the responses.<br><br>
I really thought I was a hopeless case and that I could never change. My stress level is very high. I get ticked off so easily. I just have to monitor myself...when I start getting tired and feel that I get angered easily I try to take deep breaths and count before I react. And remind myself that I am dealing with my beloved kids and i have to be patient.<br><br>
I am happy that I got to the point that I could write about this. Thanks for listening.
 

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Thank you so much for your story. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I have problems with stress and outbursts, too, and your experience is very encouraging to me. My ds is not even 15 months old yet, so I know I have to get this under control NOW, as I know it will only get more trying from now on. My mom had really frightening rage episodes when I was a kid, and I really don't want my ds to be afraid of my anger the way I was afraid of hers. I think it's wonderful you have been able to make such a positive change. I hope I can, too.
 

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Wow, what a wonderful, inspirational post! I also feel that my yelling is getting out of control and that I need to change the way I interact with my kids. I don't want them to look back on this time and say, "Gee, why was Mom always so mad?" You've inspired me to begin now, start fresh. Thanks!
 

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Oh my gosh! That was an amazing experience to share. I started to cry towards the end as the relief is really palpable in your story. It is so true, that we cannot change without changing ourselves. If we are miserable and angry with the kids and think they are out of control, it's in us too.<br><br>
Wow, I am going to save this and refer as needed when someone says it is too late to change.
 

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It's an amazing story. Congratulations!<br><br>
Have you considered writing this up for a parenting magazine? A lot of parents could benefit from your insights - and it would give a lot of parents hope that it's never too late to 'start over'.
 

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What a fabulous post. Thank you for sharing this. Life really is about growth isn't it?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I'm so happy for you and your kids!!<br><br>
The way you described yourself in the beginning of your post--that was my mom to a T! I'm glad you've broken your own cycle and gotten the help you needed. My mom never did. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
~Nay
 

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wow...thank you for posting this. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks all so much for the wonderful, wonderful replies....you guys made me feel so good. I wanted everyone to share my success.<br><br>
I would love to write it up for a Parenting magazine.. I have to look into that but I am not a great writer.<br><br>
I really really feel what I have done is something that any parent with a bad temper or rage problem can do. Its not impossible. I think you really have to isolate what the problem is and its most probably within yourself.<br><br>
On another note, the problem with change is that it takes effort. Sometimes its hard to find that extra effort that you need to make the change. Like I said, I knew for months that I needed to change but where to start, and how and what to do kept me from changing. It was easier to keep doing what I was doing. But once I made the effort, it got easier. Its not a piece of cake, I mean, I am still working on it and working on myself but we take it one day at a time.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/happytears.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="happytears">: really wonderful. thank you for sharing. i think something like this would be great for a mainstream magazine, too...something where you don't see as much GD stuff...i think they would be into it.
 

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I find your post very inspirational as I'm going through some stuff right now ans have noticed that I'm more short tempered than usual. It's unfair to take rage out on our children, you have reminded me of that.<br><br>
Btw, you mentioned that you are not a good writer, what's wrong with what you wrote? It seemed fine to me, and magazines have editors for fine tweaking. In my opinion you should share your story<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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That is one of the most useful things I have read in a long time--including any book or magazine article!<br>
I really do think you could have it published, but no matter what, your story will help countless people here, I'm sure!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I have the book in front of me, now its called:<br><br><b>"How to Negotiate with kids.....even when you think you shouldn't"<br>
7 Essential Skills to End Conflict and Bring Joy into Your Family<br>
Author: Scott Brown<br><br><br></b>Of course, this is the book that clicked with me, there are many other books along the same ideas in this book.<br><br>
thanks again everyone...I think I will polish it up a bit and see where I can get it published...thanks again for the encouragement <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>two-kids_uae</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7326401"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would love to write it up for a Parenting magazine.. I have to look into that but I am not a great writer.</div>
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Part of being a great writer is having a great story to tell....you do. A great editor is the person who helps the writer get their great story crafted into publishable shape. That's their job. EVERY writer ever published needed a good editor.<br><br>
your story is so inspirational. You are going to inspire a lot of people to come clean with the truth about what's really going on or what really happened. I'm pretty much to other side of some very scary parenting mistakes on my part and almost ready to write and talk about them freely. I can see that by your doing this you may not only inspire folks to be more honest about what happened, but about the bad stuff that's happening right now--think of the other children you may impact positively just by speaking up!
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I mean, lets see, I am not in the US so its hard to actually call any magazine and ask about how to get something published....I tried through the internet to find child magazines and came up with :<br><br>
Parenting - have lots of guidelines and one of them is that you have to be an experienced writer to write for them and they say the get hundreds of queries<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br>
Child magazine - couldn't find anywhere that had info on posting articles but I ran out of time<br>
Nickelodeon - also couldn't find anywhere that had info on publishing articles<br><br>
but i ran out of time...baby was crying , kids needed attention<br><br>
so if anyone has anyway they can help me. It would be the first time to write an article for any magazine...I am willing to rewrite the article and add more details, useful info, etc...to make it more appealing - in other words, I am willing to put more time into it....<br><br>
otherwise, i will try to publish it here in a local magazine that I sometimes see articles about various subjects in.<br><br>
thanks all...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 
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