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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Last week dh and I had one of the worst fights of our marriage.<br><br>
I'm curious about the worst fights in other marriages. How often they come, what makes them so horrible, how you recover from them, etc...
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
I can start out by saying that the worst of our fights happen about once a year (maybe twice in one year and not at all in another), but we lose all sense of ourselves. They are very predictable- they happen after what seem like long periods that he's around less and less and drinking more and more heavily. He works long hours, so he's not around so much to begin with, but when it's been weeks since we've had a conversation more than a minute long or any time alone, and yet he's still choosing to go out with his friends when he does get free time, and he starts doing silly stuff with the kids, and I feel overburdened with the house, I just explode. And he has a temper to begin with. We explode beyond anything else I've ever seen (my parents fought all the time, but not with this kind of intensity).<br><br>
We recover slowly from these things, when they do happen. We spend even more time apart. Walk on eggshells when we're together. Start cautiously "dating" rather than being full on partners. Make more effort to spend time together and with the family. And then, when we're ready, we have a long, frank, calm discussion, and map in more preventative measures and ways that we can change.<br><br>
It's so wierd when this happens, because we're normally very affectionate with eachother, and we talk very frequently throughout each day. The distance feels really wierd and awkward. But I suspect it's right for us.
 

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Oh, this is an easy one. Without a doubt, our worst fights have been when I have been under hormonal surges. It sounds so stereotypical ("oh, she just has PMS..."), but sadly it is true <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
What happens is, the hormonal-whatever makes me really anxious, and I start freaking out about normal stuff. Usually money, but maybe housework or whatever. And when dh (being sane) refuses to join me in jumping over the cliff, I lose it. I am convinced I am right, and the end is near, and he HAS to see that. Of course, 2 days later, I am wondering why I freaked out so much <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> This doesn't happen every month. Maybe every 4 months when I am menstruating (which I am not right now). And we've been getting along very well, despite a very stressful time in our lives (a long distance move, a mortgage and a rent payment, an infant, etc).<br><br>
The absolute worst ever fight, hands down, was 2 days before my miscarriage 2 years ago. I didn't know I was miscarrying, but obviously the hormones were working up to it. It was in the parking lot of a Goodwill, and I honestly thought someone was going to write down our plate # and call the cops. It was that bad. And it was me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> Two days later, the cramping and bleeding began (baby had stopped developing weeks earlier).<br><br>
This thread offered me a good chance for reflection. I'm going to have to look into some sort of hormonal-balance-stuff when I begin menstruating again.
 

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Our worst fight ever was while we were on vacation visiting my IL's in Europe. I didn't know the language and he just really wanted to spend time with his friends and family while he could since he goes years without seeing them. Well, this all led to me being the only one caring for DD's needs the entire trip and I felt like I wasn't getting to enjoy it as much as I should have. Our last night there I was nursing DD to sleep in a separate room and when I came out everyone was leaving (we were having a bit of a going away party.) Two of the guys were friends of DH's from school and they spoke English. I was so upset that I spent the whole night in a separate room instead of getting to enjoy a little good conversation and some wine on our last night there. DH told me he shouldn't have brought me along. I lost it...but the next day we recovered.<br><br>
We have our really big fights during times of high stress (duh!) but we usually make up within a couple hours. I'm hard to live with, though, most of the time!
 

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over the past two years we've had words with each other that might not be resolved for another 5,10,15 years? I don't know. Strangely enough, they're not the words that are said in the heat of anger- those are easily forgiveable to me because they're simply said out of spite and not from the heart. The worst fights with us are more like aftershocks of a big earthquake. We'll have a bad argument over something stupid, and then as the emotions turn from anger and frustration to numbness or boredom with the fight, that's when the revelations about how we truly feel deep down (about each other, or life) sometimes come out. DH has diarrhea of the mouth at times like that and he'll say basically anything that pops into his mind, but they're things that you couldn't make up on the spur of the moment, and they're said calmly, and for me it will be one of those "ah ha" moments. Then I'll cry, or respond with very deep hurt, and he'll try and backtrack but it's too late. (This isn't often, maybe once every four to six months it's happened).<br><br>
We have issues. We've been through more in our first 3 years of marriage than a lot of people deal with in a lifetime (his mother fell off the wagon and became a meth addict, we had to cut her out of our lives completely, we have a child with a rare disorder, I haven't been able to go back to work because of it). It has brought out the worst in us and I truly understand why divorce rates are higher in parents of special needs children- but despite everything our committment level to each other is inexplicably strong. Neither of us have seriously considered separation or divorce, maybe our lives are just too intertwined in the mess it's become, but there's still a lot of good, maybe more good than bad.
 

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Let's see...definitely since kids. And mostly since my 2nd pregnancy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I left him during my PG with B, it got that bad. We had a few blow.OUTS. during the pregnancy, and one or two really nasty, dirty, down in the ditches fights (for us, anyway) and one just a few weeks ago.<br><br>
We are in marital therapy, which is helping us process these issues, and instead of viewing these fights as the end of the world, we're able to take a step back and breathe and know that we are both wanting to see our marriage improve constantly, and we love each other and our families, so we are usually able to, if not solve the problem, at least reach a peace treaty and see the overarching picture, which is that of a family that is going through ups and downs during a really trying phase of life.<br><br>
Oh, and I can certainly say that our worst fights have almost always happened when I'm sick or pregnant (or both) and feeling rejected and vulnerable. This last one we had was a doozy, I had a month of two really horrid illnesses, and at one point, I simply lost it and started screaming at him, obscenities and everything, which is soooooo not something we do. Thankfully, he loves me and I love him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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Our worst fights have come since ds was born. They are big, yelling, screaming, horrible, horrible, mean fights, with the most ridiculous things being said. They come on cyclically, and while I believe it's partially from my period, I think that my dh also has 'periods' - they just don't come every month, more like every 6 weeks or so. So our two 'periods' will coincide every couple of months and it's too much for us to handle. Does that make sense?<br>
It takes us about a day to get over it. What really bothers me is that ds hears it. It obviously scares him, and although we've been better lately, I can't help but think that it's damaged him already. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:
 

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Sometimes I think dh and I don't fight enough. Throughout our marriage, we've been overly careful not to be outright hurtful, so even when we have heated discussions, they always feel somowhat constricted, kwim? We've always taken some pride in the fact that we never fight dirty, but we're so focused on talking "appropriately", we hold ourselves back from saying everything we want to say (even if it is mean or untrue). We end up doing a lot of sighing, seething and eye-rolling, and not enough screaming and dishrag throwing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
A couple times a year we have a long discussion that usually ends with us talking about our issue, bad habits, screwy dynamics, etc. We both feel a little better about things, and more hopeful that things will improve - and they do for a while, but there are rarely any significant and permanent changes.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>BensMamacita</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8976850"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think that my dh also has 'periods' - they just don't come every month, more like every 6 weeks or so. So our two 'periods' will coincide every couple of months and it's too much for us to handle. Does that make sense?</div>
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totally. I SWEAR my dh has hormonal swings. Its about every 6 to 8 weeks and he gets in a MOOD that lasts for a few days. My best friend, who is around a lot, has also noticed this about him. If I call her and tell he is being a jerk, she says, "oh, is it time for his period again?" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
To the op's question: We have our biggests fights over me complaining about his computer time. I start feeling like he'd rather spend time playing the "stupid game" than with me and ds and then I don't say anything because I know it will lead to a fight.... and I keep not saying anything until I cannot stand it anymore because I am just ANGRY and then I say something like, "Oh, just go play your stupid game, thats all you care about anyway!"<br><br>
And then he says, "F--- You." and then we don't speak for 24-36 hours.<br><br>
And then we have great make up sex and he spends more time with us than with his game. And slowly the balance shifts the other way...... This fight seems to happen once every 6 months or so.
 

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we don't have big blow outs frequently, once or twice in 8 years for the ones where you go to sleep pissed, but when I was on clomid, good lord it was bad, I picked fights, broke plates, I seriously wanted to choke him, hence why I only did 3 rounds.
 

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Whenever we have to do something major, like moving. Almost every single time we've moved we'll get into a huge fight. It never happens any other time. The last time we were screaming and each other and he threw a ketchup packet at me and I went ballistic on him. I'm amazed no one heard us and called the cops. We're terrible at fighting too. We don't fight fair, threaten divorce, do everything you're not supposed to do. It only happens like once a year, and if we'd stop %$##^in moving around so much it might not ever happen.
 

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Our worst fights are over unfullfilled expectations. Usually, my DH has them and I try to deal with them. But I'm only understanding for so long, and then I start to feel like it is very unfair.<br><br>
He feels that my not meeting his expectations (which, usually I would need to be BETTER than God to do even if he isn't aware of it) is not fair. He gets crabby and unloving, and I have a hormonal surge and I go BALLISTIC.<br><br>
There is only so much pressure I can deal with, and gaslighting, impossible expectations (I can deal with unreasonable - the impossible takes longer), and UNFAIR triggers me real bad.<br><br>
And I do mean ballistic. Livid. Full of rage. Small mountains quiver in fear. Men for houses around whisper to my DH, "she pretty loud isn't she?" or "oh boy, I wouldn't want to piss her off twice."<br><br>
Now, I RARELY loose my temper. However, I've realized that this isn't necessarily a good thing. I keep it together so long, and try so hard that when I go over the edge I am SOOOOOOOOO far away from anything like a reasonable situation that it is very bad. I've since learned to get mad quieter and earlier and not put up with so much for so long.<br><br>
We haven't had a really huge fight in sometime now. We do have minor ones about every 6 months or so.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Demeter9</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8979105"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Our worst fights are over unfullfilled expectations. Usually, my DH has them and I try to deal with them. But I'm only understanding for so long, and then I start to feel like it is very unfair.<br><br>
He feels that my not meeting his expectations (which, usually I would need to be BETTER than God to do even if he isn't aware of it) is not fair. He gets crabby and unloving, and I have a hormonal surge and I go BALLISTIC.<br><br>
There is only so much pressure I can deal with, and gaslighting, impossible expectations (I can deal with unreasonable - the impossible takes longer), and UNFAIR triggers me real bad.<br><br>
And I do mean ballistic. Livid. Full of rage. Small mountains quiver in fear. Men for houses around whisper to my DH, "she pretty loud isn't she?" or "oh boy, I wouldn't want to piss her off twice."<br><br>
Now, I RARELY loose my temper. However, I've realized that this isn't necessarily a good thing. I keep it together so long, and try so hard that when I go over the edge I am SOOOOOOOOO far away from anything like a reasonable situation that it is very bad. I've since learned to get mad quieter and earlier and not put up with so much for so long.</div>
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This is my relationship, and we are in the midst of a big fight right now, I'll never be good enough for DH.
 

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I just decided I don't give a rat's patootie if I am good enough for him.<br><br>
I'm not perfect. I don't want to be perfect. And generally, I don't want to be perfect at the things he wants be to be perfect at/about. I'm willing to IMPROVE, usually. If it isn't totally inconvenient.<br><br>
And if he doesn't like it, he can leave. I know I'm being fair. I know I strive to be fair and good and do what I can. I KNOW I am doing my best, and when I'm not - well hell, everyone needs a damn break.<br><br>
And he isn't leaving, because on some level he KNOWS (actually he is consciously aware of it now too) that nobody could do what he wants. And actually married someone that is about as bad a choice for <i>that</i> as one could make. Intentionally. He KNEW he was marrying a woman who would NEVER be like that. He knew that like 4 years before we even dated.<br><br>
My DH comes from a family where mom did everything in submission, and father was a psychotic narcisist (and I'm not exagerating for effect - that's his actual diagnosis). My DH is literally under the impression that if his big jackoff of a Dad could get it, he should get all that because he is such a better man and such a nicer guy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead">: Like, if I am not doing everything he wants/needs/expects, that it means that God doesn't love him enough to have given him a big prize.<br><br>
It makes me want to scream.<br><br>
I set down better boundaries with my DH. And then I made sure that I do not fall into the trap of trying to make him feel better when he needs to wrestle with the fact that he didn't marry The Perfect Woman (not to be confused with the perfect person in any way.) He can wrestle with his demons himself. I am not his Knight In Shining Armour. Because of course, I want to make it all better for him. I want him not to be depressed or sad or angry. Particularly if it is about me. But I decided that there needs to be limits on that from myself. Because in my not having reasonable limits inside myself for it, both of us were spiralling out of control.<br><br>
Yes, it would be great if he would have just done the right thing. Or just been more reasonable, or even if he'd just for a moment thought about his behaviours in a way that was fair. But he didn't, and really in the long run the only person I could count on to make the changes needed was me.
 

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Sadly I would say our worst fight ever happened recently... it related to his mom, our money and our kids. I told him if he didn't start putting our family needs first I was going to leave him and take the kids, and he could go and live with his mom. We have been struggling money wise for a bit and we have had to pony up hundereds of dollars a month to help support his mom, because of that we have had to go without (including the kids). I just lost it. I am not one to threaten a divorce, so he knew I was serious. It took a few days to sink in and we were not talking much and out of no were he said that the kids and I will always come first and that our love (his and mine) was always first and that he was sorry. And we have been good since.<br>
What got me to shut up about it and let him process, was a friend telling me that I had said my piece and now I need to let him do what he needs to do.<br><br>
It was so hard to not keep rehashing it, but I think it really was a good thing for us.<br><br>
H
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Demeter and Dimibela, I remember what a shock it was to me when I realized that he couldn't be perfect, because I set my standard of what perfetion means, and he has a completely different standard. I mean, why would he try to measure up to any other standard than his own?<br><br>
Sometimes freeing your spouse to be their own person is the best thing you can do for your relationship.<br><br>
Thank you to all who've responded. I'm really learning a lot.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamaofthree</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8979825"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What got me to shut up about it and let him process, was a friend telling me that I had said my piece and now I need to let him do what he needs to do.<br><br>
It was so hard to not keep rehashing it, but I think it really was a good thing for us.<br><br>
H</div>
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Yeah. I think that in the pursuit of clarity, or getting agreement that we often restate our case too much. It doesn't help.<br><br>
That's why I now use the three minute rule. I say what I need to say in three minutes or less. And tell him what I'm going to do in the case of his lack of cooperation or input, and my time frame.
 

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Ugh, here too - at least two or three times a year.<br><br>
Most often over my insecurities (fears of his infidelity, even though he's never ever even looked sideways at another person or losing control over my child).<br><br>
We lost a baby to anencephaly (at twenty-two weeks) in 2001, and it took me at least a year to recover from that.<br><br>
I'm much more emotionally fragile now that I ever was before. Very controlling and possesive, and it's slowly improving.<br><br>
Dp and I even separated for year (June '05 - June '06) while we sorted things out. He even casually dated other people because we were both certain it would never work out for us...<br><br>
It was the most awful time of my life.<br><br>
sunnmama pretty much put into words exactly what happens to us. I especially liked where you said:<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">And when dh (being sane) refuses to join me in jumping over the cliff, I lose it. I am convinced I am right, and the end is near, and he HAS to see that. Of course, 2 days later, I am wondering why I freaked out so much</td>
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THIS is me.<br><br>
This has had a detrimental effect on our relationship. We are doing much better now, with my learning to walk away when I start to feel irrational, and dp is learning to not become swept away by my mood.<br><br>
Bad moods are so contagious around here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
We definitely growing together and maturing, I'm a much different person than I was seven or eight years ago.<br><br>
ETA: We have always fought right before Christmas as well; usually a screamer - and neither of us are yellers. Mostly to do with family or financial stress...
 

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We have bad fights once or twice a year and they are always sparked by dh getting cross about something apparently silly and minor (like, one time it was because I pulled a face at the sandwich he had bought for ds) but they are really a result of a build-up over time of bad communication and frustration over a few basic problems between us. What makes them horrible is that I have a very hard time with expressing anger and with arguing in general, and my dh likes to get it all out and will not stop until he is done. So he gets into a rage and goes on and on and I keep trying to withdraw to calm down before carrying on, he feels I am trying to shut him down and this fuels his anger.<br><br>
Dh feels pretty much recovered as soon as he feels he has got everything out and I have listened and said something honest in return. He would be all in favour of make-up sex and it is hard for him that I don't get over fights easily.<br><br>
My anger is milder but slower-burning and once I have got my defenses up and adrenalin flowing, there is no comfortable resolution in the short-term. Even if we come to a point of apparent resolution, I still feel very physically and mentally stressed. It takes me a few weeks to recover from these fights and usually depends on our daily interactions remaining generally good and my anger just gradually fades. We do sometimes try to have smaller post-fight conversations where we stay calmer, and these sometimes help us resolve issues that we couldn't get through in the heat of the argument. So these are positive but they also prolong the "recovery" for me, since even though they are superficially much calmer, I am still extremely stressed by them. I hate to fight.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Demeter9</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8979105"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Our worst fights are over unfullfilled expectations. Usually, my DH has them and I try to deal with them. But I'm only understanding for so long, and then I start to feel like it is very unfair.<br><br>
He feels that my not meeting his expectations (which, usually I would need to be BETTER than God to do even if he isn't aware of it) is not fair. He gets crabby and unloving, and I have a hormonal surge and I go BALLISTIC.<br><br>
There is only so much pressure I can deal with, and gaslighting, impossible expectations (I can deal with unreasonable - the impossible takes longer), and UNFAIR triggers me real bad.<br><br>
And I do mean ballistic. Livid. Full of rage. Small mountains quiver in fear. Men for houses around whisper to my DH, "she pretty loud isn't she?" or "oh boy, I wouldn't want to piss her off twice."<br><br>
Now, I RARELY loose my temper. However, I've realized that this isn't necessarily a good thing. I keep it together so long, and try so hard that when I go over the edge I am SOOOOOOOOO far away from anything like a reasonable situation that it is very bad. I've since learned to get mad quieter and earlier and not put up with so much for so long.<br><br>
We haven't had a really huge fight in sometime now. We do have minor ones about every 6 months or so.</div>
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This sums up most of our big ones.<br><br>
And this:<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">And when dh (being sane) refuses to join me in jumping over the cliff, I lose it. I am convinced I am right, and the end is near, and he HAS to see that. Of course, 2 days later, I am wondering why I freaked out so much</td>
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Accounts for most of our minor ones.<br><br>
We are both freakers and we escalate off each other. I have gotten WAYYYY better at mitigating my reactions in recent years, but sometimes I like to climb up on my high horse and have a little throw down. Ugh.<br><br>
Our worst fight, hands down, was when DS was one month old. He had reflux and screamed all day, every day. That particular day he had screamed for 12 hours straight and we had company coming over for dinner. I had really bad PPD and DH did something to the baby (I don't remember what but it wasn't that bad) so I told him I was taking the baby to my parents house and then we started screaming at each other. The cops WERE called because the neighbors heard the baby crying all day and then the fight. It was so embarrassing. Living with a screaming baby was like living in a pressure cooker. We vented all our steam on each other that day. Horrible.<br><br>
But at the same time it was so far out of our normal argument that it's never happened again. Because I don't like fighting in front of DS I actively avoid DH when he is in a bad mood so that doesn't happen. If DH chooses to get angry and yell, I either remove myself from the situation or go into broken record mode: "I can hear you're upset because I left the door unlocked. I will try not to do that again. There's nothing more I can do about it now." Over and over again.
 
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