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i am on chapter 2 of Unconditional Parenting. it is a huge paradigm shift for me, and it confirms some of my sneaking suspicions about life.<br><br>
my own parents were masters of "conditional love" - though they would swear up and down they weren't. as long as i was acting right (which i did for years) - meeting their expectations and making their lives easy - everything was fine (for them).<br><br>
i grew up to be a fearful, insecure adult with absolutely no sense of personal identity. i was a chameleon, adapting to any and every environment. because of some good life coaching, i have worked through all of my issues with my own parents. but i could never truly <i>understand</i> how or why i was this way until i began reading UP...then it all made sense.<br><br>
that said, UP also explains why i parented my own children the way i did. up until now, my biggest regret was that i spanked. now i see that the ways in which i withheld love were much more devasting. i've spent the last 5 years trying to undo the damage i caused my kids, and we have made great progress! (i totally stopped punishing my kids. my focus did a 180 from behavior to heart issues.)<br><br>
anyway, i just had to get all of that "out" so that i can continue reading the book. if you read this, thanks for letting me vent.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kungfu_barbi</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7967672"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i am on chapter 2 of Unconditional Parenting. it is a huge paradigm shift for me, and it confirms some of my sneaking suspicions about life.<br><br>
my own parents were masters of "conditional love" - though they would swear up and down they weren't. as long as i was acting right (which i did for years) - meeting their expectations and making their lives easy - everything was fine (for them).<br><br>
i grew up to be a fearful, insecure adult with absolutely no sense of personal identity. i was a chameleon, adapting to any and every environment. because of some good life coaching, i have worked through all of my issues with my own parents. but i could never truly <i>understand</i> how or why i was this way until i began reading UP...then it all made sense.<br><br>
that said, UP also explains why i parented my own children the way i did. up until now, my biggest regret was that i spanked. now i see that the ways in which i withheld love were much more devasting. i've spent the last 5 years trying to undo the damage i caused my kids, and we have made great progress! (i totally stopped punishing my kids. my focus did a 180 from behavior to heart issues.)<br><br>
anyway, i just had to get all of that "out" so that i can continue reading the book. if you read this, thanks for letting me vent.</div>
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<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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This sounds like just the book I need to read. I want to learn a better way of relating to my kids. Punishments and rewards are not working, threats and bribes are not working. Instinctually it just feels wrong, but I never learned another way. I've found lately that everything is more peaceful when I'm not trying to control my kids' behavior...they might make mistakes, but they learn from them without any force on my part, just a little loving guidance. Thanks for posting about this!
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kungfu_barbi</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7967672"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i am on chapter 2 of Unconditional Parenting. it is a huge paradigm shift for me, and it confirms some of my sneaking suspicions about life.<br><br>
i grew up to be a fearful, insecure adult with absolutely no sense of personal identity. i was a chameleon, adapting to any and every environment. because of some good life coaching, i have worked through all of my issues with my own parents. but i could never truly <i>understand</i> how or why i was this way until i began reading UP...then it all made sense.<br><br>
that said, UP also explains why i parented my own children the way i did. up until now, my biggest regret was that i spanked. now i see that the ways in which i withheld love were much more devasting. i've spent the last 5 years trying to undo the damage i caused my kids, and we have made great progress! (i totally stopped punishing my kids. my focus did a 180 from behavior to heart issues.)<br><br>
anyway, i just had to get all of that "out" so that i can continue reading the book. if you read this, thanks for letting me ven.</div>
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Welcome to MDC....<br>
Good for you to make some positive changes in your life. I just finished this book and found it very inspiring. I'm also reading Punished by Rewards, which is very interesting.<br><br>
Have you read Playful Parenting? That's good too.<br><br>
Kids are resilient (sp?) and will respond quickly to your changes. I think the best thing they're getting to see, is how possible it is to make mistakes and then make changes. That's called being human.
 

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Oh my gosh, I just started reading that book a week ago and am halfway thru it and WOW, quite an eye-opener about how I myself was parented and how it has affected me. I'm finding it very difficult to be unconditional w/ my kids, and even though I can get thru a day doing it well, my energies are zapped and I have no umph to start the next new day. I find, sadly, that I am quite conditional w/ my relationships (friends, spouse, kids, myself) and it's so hard to turn that tide. But this book has been a gift because it's gave me answers to feeling so "broken" all of these years, and realizing that I have the power to break the vicious cycle of conditionalism with my own children.
 

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It's a pretty amazing book, isn't it? I saw a lot of my mother in conditional parenting, too.
 

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I just finished reading <i>Unconditional Parenting</i>, and I too think it is a life-changing book. I realized how much my own life was affected by conditional parenting, especially from my grandma who is a total reward person. Now I know why I resent her so much, and my mom did too, even though everyone outside of the immediate family thinks she's the most wonderful person in the world.<br><br>
Sorry, I don't want to hijack the thread, just had to vent! I'm so glad to hear of others that are reading this book. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
happy for you.<br>
you sound very strong.<br>
best wishes.
 
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