There's a reason I cried for an hour last night...

This sounds so hard -- but it also sounds like you are mentally working through it in a normal and healthy way.

I think it is so interesting how our relationships with our parents change once WE become parents. Especially our relationships with our mothers. I really find (through my own, my friends, and my first mother-baby support group) that it seems that relationships with mothers that are a bit strained can often become more intense and strained as time goes on -- and until/if issues can be worked out, boundaries made clear, etc.

I mean, so many issues start to come up when you become a parent, especially if you question the way your mother did things. Like when you think about parenting, or make different choices, you can start to think, "How could my mother have done that to me/us?" How could she not have bfed/coslept/ap'd?

My relationship with my mother is good but with my MIL it is not so good, and it's only become worse since I've been a mother, because I find myself judging her for the way she chose to parent. Which I know is SO not fair! But it's really hard when I wonder why she *chose* not to bf, why she left her baby (my husband) basically alone in the hospital for the first week of his life, why she let him severely CIO at a young age, etc etc

Sigh.... it's a hard thing!!! I wish you strength in getting through it.

Oh, and I really, REALLY recommend finding a good parent-baby support group in your area that has similar parenting philosophies, if you can. I know it can be really hard in some areas, but here in Seattle we have some great groups where you go to a "class" once a week and get to share parenting ideas/questions/philosophies. It was so helpful to me and I even got to bring MIL one time so she could see where I was coming from and not think I was insane!

Ugh, that sounds horrible. I can't believe the comment she made about cosleeping (well I can *believe* it, I just wish it wasn't possible that someone's own mother could say something so cruel.) I'm sorry you're having to deal with this right now. Pregnancy is enough of an emotional roller coaster without this kind of nastiness from family.

This is my first baby also, and I am on a learning curve about how much to share with my family/inlaws, and how to share it. After a really disasterous experience trying to talk to some of them about circumcision (we're opting NOT to do it, making us unique in the family) I started really contemplating what they really NEED to know, and what I should just keep to myself because I know it will only make waves. A lot of this stuff is none of their business anyhow, or should only be shared with likeminded people. Like what kind of diapers I buy--MIL had a fit because she thinks cloth diapers are silly, but my mom's a hippie so I know she'll ooh and ahh with me over my latest purchases. Breastfeeding: I weaned at 3.5 so I know my mom will be supportive of me all the way on that. MIL switched her kids to formula at like 6 weeks, so she doesn't need to know my plans in that department, she'd just criticize. No one needs to know where the baby sleeps, what shots he or she gets or doesn't get at the doctor's and when, what herbs my midwives prescribe for this or that, etc.

In short I decided to only share things with people I know will be positive and supportive of me in whatever decision I have made. Since deciding that, I have felt SO much better. I'd wager my blood pressure has dropped a good 10 points, too. I recommend making a similar decision yourself, for the sake of your sanity. It's really worth it.

Also, like others have said, I'd really seriously reconsider letting such a negative, critical person be at your birth. It's like a major athletic event, you don't want someone sitting in the stands "booing" at you.

Sarah that sounds just really, really awful .... I'd be crying, too ...

I can relate to the hurt in that when my first was a toddler I had a friend (ex-friend) make a bunch of really hurtful comments about how breastfeeding was gross, breastfeeding a toddler was borderline abuse, breastfeeding in public should be illegal, and used to ask all kinds of rude questions like "how do you have sex if you co-sleep?" : (um, gee, there are other rooms in the house ...) Basically, after putting up with this for a long time and realizing that this person a) wasn't going to change and b) wasn't going to stop making hurtful comments I decided that they needed to be out of my life. One of the best decisions I've ever made!

Now, i know with your mother this is a bit more complicated and the bond and the history there is MUCH different ... still, at the very least I'd second what the others here are saying about having her at the birth, especially since you are already upset and anxious about it. You do not need that extra anxiety in a birthing situation This is a time about you and your baby and you need support and care right now. If your mom can't stop trying to be a "lead character" so to speak and learn how to be a good support system for you ... well, maybe you should think about her place in your life and whether or not you need more distance there for your own mental health

Best Wishes! I hope that you can find a solution that brings you peace

First of all, thank you all for your support. It truly mean alot to me.

Secondly, (no real surprise) my mother discovered the co-sleepers at JC Penny's (Arms Reach, I think) and read up on all that. She wants to buy me a co-sleeper and thinks that co-sleeping is now just totally the bomb. (Yes, she buys things for me when she is wrong so we don't have to "deal with the messiness". I can't change her and don't want to spend the energy to try.)

I understand why everyone thinks I should leave my mother out of the birth experience. I think I should explain further. :

My mom tends to be a narrow-minded child. That's the long and the short of it. She doesn't think of what will hurt others AT ALL, though every percieved insult causes her a great deal of emotional pain. It isn't that she tries to hurt me. I've known that for a long time. She just doesn't get it.

And sadly enough, she is the only person in my life that I could even concievably count on to be there for me. I've spent the past several months re-evaluating friendships and I have attatched myself to too many self-serving and immature people (yes, I am aware of the freudian irony there).

So, I've cut out many people that are unsupportive of me being pregnant or moving to another city (even though it is best for my and my child). The few that I'm still associating with are unreliable to travel the hour from where they live to where I will be having the baby. Yeah, they say they'll try, but the word unreliable comes up again. :

I haven't built a secure enough support system in the new city (at work, etc.) to even feel comfortable asking anyone here. The one person I know would be there from this city, I don't want to be there.

So, it's seems to be a rock and a hard place, but I've already spoken to the nurses at the hospital I will be going to, and I am confidant that if the situation becomes a problem, they and my father will make her leave. (My dad is completely emotionally aloof, but he can always be counted on to do what needs to be done.)

Yeah, it's kind of depressing sometimes, but this is the first time in my life where I would rather be strong alone then be drug down by the people around me. I would rather keep my standards then expose my son to "unworthy" role models.

Again, thank you for your support.