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Things people say

747 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  vermonttaylors
A friend at work and I were talking about a mutual aquaintance who works about 100 hours a week and seems to have little interest in parenting her 2 yo twins.

At some point my friend - who knows my daughter and is well versed in her whole adoption story - says "Are so-and-so's twins adopted or are they hers?" (first red flag) I answered "they are her biological children." And she says "then that really IS weird that she's so uninterested in them."

Excuse me?

At first I didn't say anything and just looked at her. Then I said "I guess that's about the dumbest thing I've heard anyone say in a very long time." She kind of stumbled along and murmered "Oh you know what I mean...because usually by the time the baby is born the mother is already bonded to it. That's all. They've just had a longer time together."

I said, no not true. Parents who go through the adoptive process (which can sometimes run longer than gestation) become equally bonded to their unmet child in the same way that a biological mother and father bond with their unborn in anticipation of that child's birth.

She said "Oh! I didn't know that! Well, I'm glad you straightened me out on that!"

So she recovered nicely, and I know she meant no harm. I'm glad I felt comfortable speaking frankly with her. But it just floors me how clueless people can be sometimes.
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I think you handled it very, very well. Of course she meant no harm, most people don't. But their comments keep a certain stigma attached to adoption that hopefully you helped to remove a little.

My best and longest friend (friends for 30 years and we're both 43) was adopted at birth. Her parents are long passed away and my husband & I helped her locate her b.mother. She loves my kids and is very supportive of us. The other day we were having a conversation and she was telling me about a conversation she had with her son and him wanting to have kids "of his own" as opposed to adopting. I told her that children who were adopted, are our own. She of course agreed and apologised for her choice of words. She, like your friend, meant no harm but hopefully she'll never refer to it in that way again in another conversation with someone else.

Originally Posted by blessed
She said "Oh! I didn't know that! Well, I'm glad you straightened me out on that!"
Wow! How graceful of her. What an all-around positive conversation. You were heard, and she understood. Can't ask for better than that!

Sorry you had to listen to that crap.

My own sister (who is a fairly unattached mother) says that kind of stuff all the time. Thank goodness she lives half way across the country, or I would have slugged her by now.
I have to say I think you both handled that conversation really well. You stayed calm and understanding and she was able to say that she didn't know what she was talking about without feeling attacked or defensive. These are the types of conversations, with well meaning but uninformed friends, that will change the perception of adoption. Good for both of you!

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