[Sienna-forever]

I cant believe that its been almost 18 months since we lost our darling baby daughter Sienna, she would be two years old in April, and my heart is breaking.
I am very spiritual, and I do Sense her with me, which is comforting but I ache to hold her in my arms, and dream of seeing a happy, healthy little girl toddling around now. My son, who is nearly three misses her lots, and talks about her too.

We are thinking of trying again in the summer. But I am so scared, and anxious that its making me doubt myself. I can't help but think of all the what ifs.
a big part of me envies people that have never lost a baby because they have the innocence that I used to that everything will be ok.
But now, I know that its not always the way. With Sienna we reached all the milestones,
12 weeks less risk of miscarriage
24 weeks - viability
29 weeks - when my ds was born
32 weeks - when sienna was born and they thought she'd only be in for a few weeks as she was doing so well in the beginning, it wasn't until she was five and half months old that she lost her fight in Nicu

And from joining SANDS I know so much about things that can go wrong, to the point that I've completely lost the innocence and joy of planning/ hoping for a baby.

I don't want to offend anyone with this, but just needed to let it out, its not something I feel I can say to friends/ family as I know it comes across wrong.

I really would love to have another baby, for my son to have a brother or sister here with him, to grow up with. But I just don't know how I'd cope with all these fears.

We had started the application to become foster parents, but have decided to put that on hold although it still is something I would love to do in the future. But to be honest I also want to experience having another biological baby too. I feel quite selfish. But thats whats in my heart.

 

[MeepyCat]

I'm sorry for your loss.

That innocence certainly makes things emotionally simple, but sometimes I wonder if what it really does is make us unprepared.

I don't think that it's inherently selfish to want to have another baby. And I tend to take the position that we have to risk great sadness in order to have great joy. We move forward, even when it's terrifying, in the hope that our courage will be rewarded.

 

[Sienna-forever]

thank you, thats lovely. I'd never heard of the term 'rainbow baby' before, until coming here. Rainbows have always been significant to me, we have a beautiful image of a rainbow in our home.
And I just found this quote:
Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.
Beautiful. And yes, I am scared, but we are going to be brave and put our faith in that this is the right thing for us x x

 

[shy]

I am so very sorry for your loss.
It is difficult, and scary. The fear does not go away after a child is born healthy either ... it is there every day, every year.

I wish your family the courage and faith you need and deserve. Both conceiving and foster parenting are beautiful paths to falling in love and becoming a family.

 

[StarMama]

I got to briefly experience a pregnancy after loss and the fears and worries are hard to deal with. But I also found I appreciated the pregnancy a lot more. Now that I'm looking at hopefully getting to experience a pregnancy after both a loss at 38 weeks and 10 weeks I too wonder about how in the world am I going to cope. I expect that it'll be the same way I did for that brief 10 weeks, finding those people who will support me, listen to me, and let me worry out loud if I need to.

I am SO jealous of how naive I was with Orion. I want that back so badly.