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Well DD is now 18 months old and we'd really like to add to our family. Even though it is our personal choice I just don't feel that there is "right" way to add on without negative comments.<br><br>
We are looking into some fertility options because I really would like to experence pregnancy and also because of some underlying health issues related. However I don't want people to comment or for DD to feel slighted if we are able to have biological children. Like somehow there was no need for us to adopt. Also I'm concerned how she would feel looking different than other siblings. Obviously she looks different now already but I always assumed we would adopt again from Guatemala so there would be at least one other person in the family similar to her in many ways.<br><br>
If we adopt again I don't see Guatemala being an option. Our second choice right now would be Ethiopia. Yet even here on MDC I've heard people call it "collecting children" if you adopt more than one child from a different country. I don't want those types of comments either. And right now we are teaching DD spanish, if we go to another country I would feel the same need to teach that child the language and culture as well.<br><br>
Our third option is a domestic born, preferably hispanic baby. They would have a similar background, both could learn spanish, and in the long run may be a better fit for Olivia. But again it opens the door of primarily adopting matching races.<br><br>
I guess my biggest concern is that to people outside of adoption, they wont realize how tricky or confusing these choices can be. I know it is our decision and I shouldn't let what other people think affect it but I do. I know there are members here who have more than one adopted child and I was just wondering how they came to decide where to go and what influenced their decision.
 

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Please don't worry about what other people say. There is no way for you to protect Olivia from negative and stupid comments. I don't care if some mdc mama, who doesn't know me or my life, thinks I'm "collecting" kids. I know I'm not, my kids know I'm not and my family knows I'm not.<br><br>
There will always be an anti-adoption contingent, an anti-trans-racial adoption contingent, people who disagree with how you raise your kids, where you live, how you vote, what you ate for breakfast. It's good to know what their reasoning is, because it will help you grow to listen to those who hold different ideas and values to your own, you may even change some of your own as a result, but you do NOT need to let them make you feel bad.<br><br>
People have, in the past tried to make me feel bad about having 2 moms. They didm't, and don't, know my family, but they felt it was their right, for some reason, to comment on the make-up of mine. The ONLY thing these comments made me realize was how lucky I am to have this big crazy family.<br><br>
Whatever you choose, the only voices who matter are yours, Olivia's and your dh's and any other family memeber who YOU think has a stake in your life.<br><br>
You can't stop people from giving you their opinions, but you don't have to let them affect your sense of self or family.<br><br>
Here's MY opinion:<br><br>
I think you're pretty great and I have always valued what you have had to say here on a huge variety of topics. Olivia is lucky to call you mom and this next child, wherever he/she/ comes from, will be lucky too.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">:
 

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starr honey<br><br>
i know how much consderation you put into this -- every single elemetn of it.<br><br>
I am soooooooo glad to hear you talking about number 2. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
DS needs a nap -- or more correcly i need him to take a nap so i will post more later.<br><br>
but I am so glad to see you grearing up. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
AImee
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>vermonttaylors</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7927508"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think you're pretty great and I have always valued what you have had to say here on a huge variety of topics. Olivia is lucky to call you mom and this next child, wherever he/she/ comes from, will be lucky too.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">:</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:
 

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Only you can know what is best for your family.<br><br>
I really think things turn out how they are meant to. Many of us have had very well thought out plans only to find that things ended up very differently.
 

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Starr honey -- here is one BIG thing to consider.<br><br>
Kids are mean, and a lot of adults are stupid. and even more are rude and insentive (even in places where you expect to find support).<br><br>
Everyone has a differnt life, a different family and some pople can't see that anything beyond what is right for them is RIGHT.<br><br>
That is not going to change -- and we can not live our lived limited by them. all that does is give them undue power and NOT work to break the cycles.<br><br>
Your dear O is going to teased, and she is going to have hard times -- NO MATTER WHAT -- she'll be too tall, too short....or whatever. She is so pretty -- she will be treated like a dumb "blond" cuz no one will expect her to be smart. SOMETHING.<br><br>
I appercipate your very real fear about the c&*p your family will catch, and what the kids will expeince. I share them. Iam NOT discounting them, the very fact you have put so much thought into them deminstartes that you are a great momma who is detemined to do the best for her family.<br><br>
but<br><br>
I do not think there is any possible "set up" that will avoid it -- you just change what tehy will make fun of the kids for, or what you will have to hear about.<br><br>
YKWIM??<br><br>
it is a sad reality that adopted kids WILL hear 2nd rate stuff ("Oh so your mom couldn't get pregant") and it is a sad reality that differnt colored kids (and adults) hear stuff......but we can not stop it by "giving in to it".<br><br>
I know you Starr -- you are a very strong momma bear, O is lucky to have you now and you will be a blessing to all the kids you raise....<br><br>
You and I and the rest have to simply love our kids, prepare them for what they will face, and stand up for them every chance we get. My pray is when my grandkids are adopting that THEY will not have to stuggle like we do.<br><br>
for you, for now, you have to do what is right for your family.<br><br>
if you feel that 20 years from now (when you will still kinda be of child bearing age -- you young pup <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> ) you will regret not trying for a biological chind -- try. you are not starting a path you can't stop if it stopes feeling right, you are not closeing other doors for good.<br><br>
I agree Guatemala is currently not a good otpion. BUT you are young, in 3 or 5 years if may again be an option, for child #3 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> it depends on how long you want to wait, and the sib age differnce you want to seek or seek to avoid as best you can.<br><br>
If you are drawn to Ethiopia go for it. you can teach both children about both countries -- it is FAMILY stuff not jsut that certain kids stuff.<br><br>
as for "collecting kids" and BS like that. 1. as i said before everyone catchs c*&p about something and 2. do you really honstly care what people who would say such a thing think????? -- do you really want to let poeple like that effect your life choices?????<br><br>
the nice thing for you is your age -- there are very few doors that are going to shut for you -- even if you go down path A or B or C for a while -- you can always go back later and start over. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Do what is best for your family -- age difference with O, money (you gotta support them, so i think it is vaild to consider the cost of the adoption as a pro or con), your age, your future plans, and take into consideration how you will feel 20 to 50 years from now LOOKING BACK.<br><br>
You'll do the right thing.<br><br>
PM if you want to talk<br><br>
AImee
 

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Yeah, it really doesn't matter what other people think. You'll get stupid, negative comments pretty much no matter what, anyway. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
I don't think it really matters that much if you have kids adopted from different countries. Yes, I think it complicates the situation by having to be more on top of making sure all your family's cultures are incorporated into your life, and yes, people will be more apt to make comments about families with lots of different races represented, but to your kids they will probably just feel like "This is my family." Maybe in adolescence they will wish they were less visible as an adoptive family.<br><br>
I have some friends who have two very tow-headed bio sons. They have a child they adopted from Ukraine whose bio dad was Korean. They are in process to adopt two Ethiopian kids. I'm sure they will pull it off with their usual grace and good humor.<br><br>
I have heard people before say that they want to adopt kids of various races/from different countries as a way of exemplifying racial harmony (or similar). I think that is a bad primary motivation. However, "We adopted from country A, which is no longer an option so now we are adopting from country B" is a very different place to start from.<br><br>
That said, I personally would not set out to adopt kids of different races. (I say "set out" because I never would have set out to adopt an 11 year old with HIV, either, but things change) simply because I would be uncomfortable trying to make sure every kid gets what they need in terms of cultural incorporation. I have heard it said that it's good for adopted kids to have a sibling of the same race. We chose Ethiopia for our first adoption and it remained a good option for our second, so we were never in the position to ponder the things you are pondering.<br><br>
My advice would be to think about what you think would be best for Olivia, balance that with what your true desire is, and forget about what other people might think. (I have a lot of practice in that last regard, as you may imagine, because, as a member of a vegetarian, Buddhist, homeschooling, transracial adoptive family with an HIV+ member, I have had to completely let go of concern for other people's delicate sensibilities.)<br><br>
dm
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>vermonttaylors;7927508I</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">think you're pretty great and I have always valued what you have had to say here on a huge variety of topics. Olivia is lucky to call you mom and this next child, wherever he/she/ comes from, will be lucky too.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">:</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> Exactly. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
Do what's best for your family. You're the best one to evaluate that, not real or hypothetical "others." And congrats on moving ahead, or even thinking of moving ahead!...I know it's an exciting step! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
...and one thing to remember, if you do choose to have a bio child, is that there are tons of families out there composed of adopted and bio children. You, your family, and your dd would have a lot of support out there when it comes to feelings your dd might have about being adopted versus being bio. And bio siblings or not, she'll probably have those feelings and thoughts anyway. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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So many words of wisdom here. I agree that kids are mean and adults can be even more mean!! Even on MDC I have been told that I am poisioning my children because I don't provide them with breastmilk. What do I think of those people? Very little. THey don't know me or my family and their opinion just doesn't matter. I adopted, I don't have breastmilk, and that's life. My children are happy and healthy and I'm a good mom. THAT is what counts.<br><br>
I can totally relate to how you feel about this situation. We still have 7 frozen embies that I'd love to use someday to experience a pregnancy. The reason I haven't used them yet is because I have 3 adopted children and my biggest fear in life is how they might feel someday. They would never have a doubt in their mind that came from me or my partner how much they are loved and wanted, but throwing a bio child into the mix might make them question that love, you know? It could be my own paranoia and they may never think twice about it, but I'm scared to death to take that leap into biological children. My adopted children's heart's and feelings come first....way before the experience of being pregnant. Hopefully, someday I'll find the answer.<br><br>
I just wanted to say good luck with your decision and you need to do what is best for your family and ignore everybody else.
 

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People have offered some EXCELLENT comments. I wanted to add another wrinkle: while it seems obvious to do another adoption from Guatemala if it were still possible, there is no guarantee that your children would share the same ethnicity. Maybe your next child would be very indigenous, from a non-Spanish speaking family (I can't recall, but I seem to remember that Olivia is Ladino.) I know many families whose children come from Guatemala, but they have very different ethnic backgrounds, and don't "look alike." Just something else to consider - there's no perfect answer to your situation, even another adoption from Guatemala might not minimize the inappropriate comments from others, and you just have to move forward and make the wisest, most considered decision you can.<br><br>
Best wishes -
 

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something else to think about<br><br>
no matter what the diversy of the kids backgrounds (bio, O, kids from all over the world) -- they will have more SAMENESS to them than differnce. they will grow up in Minnesota with you as a mom, and DH as a dad and the same set of faimliy and freinds and the same shared expereinces...... just like birth sibs do 9allowing differences for ages).<br><br>
so while i would NEVER impmly repecting the culture of birth is not importnat -- you have to remember that there will be a lot of "in common" for your kids too.<br><br>
Aimee
 

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I wouldn't waste too much energy worrying about what other people think. Heck there are plenty of people even here on MDC who think that adoption in general, and in particular IA, are evil.<br><br>
I have two adopted children. My older one, especially, is getting to a point where she has to deal with her issues. I think it is hugely helpful for her to have an adopted sibling. In our case, the girls are both from China, and that does make it easier in terms of them getting exposed to the same flavor of racism and having similar backgrounds. It also does make it easier in terms of bringing the culture of their birth country into our home.<br><br>
But even if they were from different countries, I still think it would be a huge benefit to have another IA sibling. They would still both have to deal with similar issues, and would have each other for support.
 

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You've already gotten a lot of great replies, so I am not going to address the concerns that others already have. Just wanted to throw out there that maybe IA from Columbia could be an option for you?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Starr</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7926947"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yet even here on MDC I've heard people call it "collecting children" if you adopt more than one child from a different country.<br><br>
I guess my biggest concern is that to people outside of adoption, they wont realize how tricky or confusing these choices can be.</div>
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I know that you are just thinking out loud about this. No one besides adoptive parents understands the complexity. Recently, my amazing best friend said something that shocked me. She was, as always, very respectful, but really hadn't thought about how confusing adoption is.<br><br>
And about the collecting children thing, that is so just all about the circles you move in. Here at MDC, MANY women wear it as a badge of honor to have a baby every year for ever. If you criticized that with mean words, you would get banned.<br><br>
Your daughter and your future children are very luck to have such a thoughtful mama. I know you will make the right decision for your family. Ignore everyone else as best you can <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 
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