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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DD's 6th birthday is in six weeks. Since last August, she's wanted to have her birthday party at Libby Lu, and I've told her she can invite three girls. Nothing's scheduled yet, and no invites have gone out. I feel like it's going to make me a horrible mother, but I'm strongly considering calling it off.<br><br>
DD does not interact appropriately with her peers. I was seeing a lot of improvement for a while, which is the point at which I told her she could have her party. But since December, it's just been consistently bad, to the point where it was emphasized on her report card, and she's had to go to the school counselor. She's bossy with her friends, and demands to get her way 100% of the time. She's rude and uses hurtful words with them. I hate to say it, but she's acting like a mean girl. This behavior is not OK with me nor her teacher nor her friends' moms.<br><br>
I will not tolerate her purposely hurting her classmates' feelings. I just know she's going to turn the "invite three girls" limit into a hurtful exclusive thing, and I cannot afford $200 to bring all the girls in her class - the money is just not there. I also know that the claustrophic loud excitement at Libby Lu will bring out her worst, which won't be fun for her or her friends. A party at our house is out, because we can't even have one friend over without WWIII over my DD's toys.<br><br>
I'm thinking of giving her two options: a trip to Libby Lu with her one non-school friend (with whom she always gets along) or an all-class party at the Y. I feel like with either of these options, she'll have a good time, it won't be hurtful to her classmates, and it will put her in a situation where she can act appropriately. But will I scar her forever if I go back on what I told her she could do?
 

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I don't think you are being horrible at all. You see what could be a really bad scene for both your dd and her friends and you are trying to work around it. I think the one on one with her really good friend will give her great memories.
 

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My DD will be six in May. She's not like you describe your daughter in being mean or exclusive. But, maybe it's a phase she hasn't hit yet. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> Also, she gets really hyper in overly stimulating situations. I can see myself having to change a birthday party plan if I thought it might be too much for her to handle.<br><br>
If I were in your shoes I would probably sit down my DD and explain that as a result of her undesirable behavior you're changing what kind of party she can have. Maybe she could still go to Libby Lu just with you? I love the idea of one friend, too.<br><br>
Sometimes it's through not getting our way that we learn lessons. I think it's better for you to impose this on her now than for her to become the girl no one likes because she's "mean."<br><br>
I'd definitely love to hear some ideas from other moms with older kids who've BTDT.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I've definitely decided to cancel the multiple-girl Libby Lu outing. At your advice, I'll probably let DD choose whether to go with me and her grandma or bring her non-school friend.<br><br>
Part of me does want to tell her it's because of her undesirable behavior. On the other hand, we are already working on that every single day, and it's a very sore subject with her. I think I would rather look at it like BellinghamCrunchie said: "set up her birthday in a way that she is most likely to succeed and have good memories about."<br><br>
Thanks so much for your responses!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>AuntNi</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10707094"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've definitely decided to cancel the multiple-girl Libby Lu outing. At your advice, I'll probably let DD choose whether to go with me and her grandma or bring her non-school friend.<br><br>
Part of me does want to tell her it's because of her undesirable behavior. On the other hand, we are already working on that every single day, and it's a very sore subject with her. I think I would rather look at it like BellinghamCrunchie said: "set up her birthday in a way that she is most likely to succeed and have good memories about."<br><br>
Thanks so much for your responses!</div>
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I think this is a wise decision, and I actually came on to say that I think it very unwise to tell her that it's because of her undesirable behavior. I think that you should definitely set it up as a positive choice, and leave everything else out of it. The greatest lesson that she can learn is that she is loved unconditionally and that someone cares enough to give her opportunities to succeed -- especially on her birthday, of all days. Positive experiences beget positive behavior, and positive behavior begets more positive experiences. You're handling the other issues separately, and I don't see any reason to turn her birthday into a punishment for a problem that will have to worked out over time. GL!
 

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I think all your instincts are right on, that your word to her is important and that it doesn't make sense to set up a situation where the hurtful situation is likely to occur. I really like the idea you have of providing some choices you think will work and then letting her choose.<br><br>
One important thing I have learned in my life about decisions is that sometimes when the situation changes the decision has to change. But I do think it is important to acknowledge that a change is being made, so it isn't like you are disregarding what you told her.<br><br>
My idea is to get yourself in a open-hearted space where this is not at all about guilt or punishing and where you are very clear about where you are setting the limits. Then tell her that you are very sorry to change the plan, but when it was made she was treating people differently than she is now and that option isn't something you can do. Then give her the options you've come up with and be open to her ideas for a variation that would work.<br><br>
Good wishes!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>theatermom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10707266"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think this is a wise decision, and I actually came on to say that I think it very unwise to tell her that it's because of her undesirable behavior. I think that you should definitely set it up as a positive choice, and leave everything else out of it. The greatest lesson that she can learn is that she is loved unconditionally and that someone cares enough to give her opportunities to succeed -- especially on her birthday, of all days. Positive experiences beget positive behavior, and positive behavior begets more positive experiences. You're handling the other issues separately, and I don't see any reason to turn her birthday into a punishment for a problem that will have to worked out over time. GL!</div>
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I definitely agree with that. Keeping the issues separate. But, like you, part of me would want to draw the connection for her. I tend to have a very "high truth" personality, and I'm learning when to keep the truth to myself. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
It's her bday. Set her up to succeed. And enough positive experiences are likely to change the negative behavior.
 

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I would be curious about why she is acting that way with her peers. Does she have any ideas? Do you?
 
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