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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">DH and I met and within 4 months were talking about getting married. All of our morals and values lined up and by the time we were together 1 year, we were engaged and planning a wedding. I went of BCP that month (dec '07) thinking I would need time to let it clear out of my system after 3 years on it. Not even a full month later we found out I was pregnant. So we bumped up our wedding to June '08 and DD came early 2 months later.<br><br>
So now we're just shy of 2 years of marriage and almost 4 years together and we're polar opposites. We had the same morals and values as far as parenting and life goes before DD, but <b><i>I've</i></b> changed SO much that we clash. He has started agreeing with me on certain things but mostly laughs and calls me a dirty hippie. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> I was pretty mainstream before other than using a chiro and only homeopathic supplements and now I'm pretty darn crunchy. We've been fighting A LOT the past year so I've given in to his demands a few times just to keep from making waves.<br><br>
I was 5 when my parents got divorced and I can remember <b>vividly</b> my father walking out the door. My mom moved us 5 hours away not long after so I only saw him once a month for a weekend after that and it turned my world upside down. My dad was my hero and I'm seeing that in my DD, too. Mommy is comfort but the look on her face when she smiles at DH or runs and jumps in his arms... it breaks my heart to think of dealing her the same fate I had. I know she's young enough that she wont remember long term ever living with both of us under the same roof, though.<br><br>
We live 2 hours away from my support system (family and friends) and Dh's family lives halfway across the US so we really have no one here. I have old coworkers but no one who I talk to outside of FB. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> We live here for DH's work so if I were to leave with DD we would go to my parent's house 2 hours away until I could stand on my own 2 feet with DD. We're going there this Friday so DH and I can get out heads straight and decide what we want to do without everyday life getting in the way. I'm planning on being there a month, but who knows. For myself- if there were no children involved I would leave because I'm not happy. Not with any aspect of our relationship- from communication to intimacy. But with DD being so attached I'm not sure what to do.<br><br>
Can anyone offer some words of advice or encouragement?
 

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Anyone can change alot in four years time. I know I have. Therefore, i really dont think its all that surprising that one (or posisbly) both of you have changed since you two got together. That said, how badly do you want to keep your marriage going? If your saying you only want to stay together for your daughter, I would HIGHLY recommend getting out of that way of thinking quick. however, if you still love your husband and want it to work, why dont you consider what of your "new" values you are willing to bend on. And what of your husbands "old" values hes willing to bend on, to try to come to a common ground. ANyone saying its this way or the highway, isnt fair to the other partner. Also, I might also recommend holding off on the TTC (your siggy) for now, until you can get this all straightened out.
 

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I think it's really, really hard to start a family and get married at the same time. My own marriage was pretty tough for the first 4 years. If I had had a baby during that time it would have been a disaster! Those first few years are so incredibly hard! Add a baby to the mix and you are bound to have some difficulties. IMHO this is not a good time in your life to make this sort of decision, unless you feel like your emotional and/or physical well being are in jeopardy. My dh and I are polar opposites. We have very different lifestyles, political views, even religious beliefs, but we make it work. You being more crunchy than your dh is not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Marriage is not about getting along perfectly all the time about everything. Today's expectation that married couples should be soul mates, best friends and passionate lovers is simply unrealistic. You and your dh need to put a lot of energy into rebuilding your marriage. Give it a really good try for a few years and if you absolutely can't make it work then you should think about moving on. I'm so sorry you are going through this! I hope things change soon.
 

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Like scottishmommy said, differences don't have to sink a marriage. But disrespecting your partner's differences will definitely sink a marriage. As long as you can appreciate, respect and laugh about your differences they can be an asset to the marriage, sort of counterbalance each other.<br><br>
So I guess the question you and your dh have to ask yourselves is, can you respect each other now that you have changed so much?
 

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I personally see nothing wrong with staying together "for the kids", <i>if</i> (and it's a big "if") you can get things onto a mutually respectful basis. Right now, it's not - the fact that your dh laughs at you and calls you a "dirty hippie" says that pretty clearly.<br><br>
Honestly, it sounds to me like step one (and it would probably be a good idea, even if you "only" end up co-parenting) is seeing a counselor and trying to find a way to communicate respectfully. I can hear how frustrated you are, and I suspect your dh is probably having a rough time, too. It's hard to watch someone you thought you were in tune with change as drastically as you describe yourself as having changed, yk?<br><br>
I think you both need to switch your focus from how different you are from each other to how to respect each other, anyway. Disrespect kills relationships faster than just about anything else, imo and ime.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>arianascrunchymama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15422649"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We've been fighting A LOT the past year so I've given in to his demands a few times just to keep from making waves.</div>
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I think this could be part of the problem.<br><br>
Can you figure out how to get away from viewing as "giving in" to more of a compromising? And maybe he can get away from "demands" to requests/stances. And maybe instead of avoiding "making waves", you guys can look at it as trying to meet each other's needs, etc.? I know it's kind of cheesy and cliche, but outlook, attitude, and communication make such a difference in my marriage. It doesn't make any problem go away, it just changes how I feel about it.<br><br>
Also, I don't think a change from mainstream to crunchy should kill a marriage. Really, your basic values of love, respect, integrity, etc. are still there, right? And so are his, right? But maybe I'm underestimating the changes you've made?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
the TTC in my siggy is old- we stopped TTC 4 months ago when he said he didn't want to have anymore babies with me unless I agree to circ'ing a boy. We both want at least 2/3 children so stopping at one leaves us both feelings like someone is missing. I didn't want to leave a monster post so I didn't write out all the details, but I'm a SAHM mom and we only have one car. He works his butt off so I can stay at home with our DD, but he also expects to be able to go out to blow off steam after a long week. His idea of going out is 12+ hours on the boat fishing or going out drinking until the bars close down and being rowdy with the boys. I've gone out 3 times since DD was born and 2 of those times my mom had to drive 2 hours to come watch DD (it was after she was in bed) because it was DH's day off and he didn't want to be stuck in the house. This was when she was an infant and he didn't feel comfortable being out by himself with her since she was so dependant on nursing.<br>
Even when he's home he's zoning out to the tv so I feel like a single parent already. It's almost like he's only there to play with her when he feels like it but when it comes to sitting and reading, doing puzzles, teaching anything it's always me. And when she's being a typical 20 month old he will walk out of the room and say "you deal with her since I'll just spank her and you don't believe in that" so he does let me have my way (as he calls it) on most things, but then I end up doing it alone anyway.<br><br>
When he comes home drunk he says some nasty things to me that he claims he doesn't remember the next morning. Not only do I hate the fact that he's driving drunk when he has a family to think about, but that he can't handle himself and calls me a b**** and yells at me (and I'm out a dead sleep) about his work shirt being a little wrinkled int he closet or something petty that's similar.
 

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You didn't mention the drunk driving at all in your OP. Seems to me that step one in this decision would be to go to an Al-Anon meeting. Maybe one of your parents would be able to give you a ride.
 

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I think that marriage counseling would be a good idea.
 

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Al-Anon.<br><br>
Counseling. There seems to be a huge level of disrespect going on here. He disrespects you, and it sounds as though he also feels disrespected <i>by</i> you. That needs to be worked out. At the very least, there are some huge communication problems.
 

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To heck with marriage counseling. Cut bait and run. Five years from now, you'll be having a baby with somebody you adore who adores your daughter and you'll be astounded that you ever thought of reproducing a second time with a guy who tried to coerce you into mutilating a baby.<br><br>
Lots of men work their butts off all day without being worse than useless at home. Leave now, and give your daughter the chance to grow up in a household that includes on of those men.
 

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you being crunchy is one thing but seriously staying out all night? drunk driving? saying nasty things? come on now...
 

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It seems to me that there are two very separate issues here.<br><br>
Differences in discipline style, "me" time, and who gets to make the decisions in a family are things that can be talked about respectfully and worked through.<br><br>
Things like driving drunk and waking your wife up to yell at her about your shirt being wrinkled ARE NOT. You said in your first post that you started out with similar morals and values -- surely you didn't used to think that driving drunk and being yelled at was okay? Even if he is unhappy because he thinks you have changed into a hippie, it does not give him the right to treat you badly.<br><br>
If I were in your situation, I'd start by drawing a line in the sand with criminal behavior (driving drunk) and disrespectful behavior (yelling at you). I'd talk to him about it some time when you are both relaxed. Then if he does it again, take action. I don't know what action that might be, but probably Al-Anon can help with that. But it seems to me that before you even start investigating whether or not your philosophical differences can be overcome, those two things have to stop.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Smithie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15425729"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">To heck with marriage counseling. Cut bait and run. Five years from now, you'll be having a baby with somebody you adore who adores your daughter and you'll be astounded that you ever thought of reproducing a second time with a guy who tried to coerce you into mutilating a baby.<br><br>
Lots of men work their butts off all day without being worse than useless at home. Leave now, and give your daughter the chance to grow up in a household that includes on of those men.</div>
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I don't care what morals and values you thought you shared; four months is just not long enough to really know someone's character. He's abusive. Cut and run.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Thao</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15431380"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It seems to me that there are two very separate issues here.<br><br>
Differences in discipline style, "me" time, and who gets to make the decisions in a family are things that can be talked about respectfully and worked through.<br><br>
Things like driving drunk and waking your wife up to yell at her about your shirt being wrinkled ARE NOT..</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">
 
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