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Ok, I'm losing my mind! I have a prenatal appointment tomorrow and I've been basically dreading it more and more every day since my last one. That's not how this is supposed to be! I chose her mainly because she's <i>significantly</i> cheaper than my other options. I trust her clinically. She's been in catching babies since the mid-70s.<br><br>
She doesn't have a lot of formal training. No big deal, that was a long time ago. The birth team is her daughter, who she taught midwifery to, and her granddaughter (17 years old) who she is currently teaching midwifery to. Or so she said at our initial consult. She has 11 kids at home (they've adopted).<br><br>
We've had 2 appointments. Her daughter came with her to the first prenatal. She has infant twin boys, so a few of her kids were in the car to watch the babies, and bring them in when they needed to nurse. No big deal. The second appointment, she brought her 4 year old grandson.....to play with my son apparently. And two of her teen granddaughters who she is teaching midwifery to. And a car load of other kids (middle-school age I'd say...maybe teen?) who got in and out of the car occasionally.<br><br>
I'm just not sure who's going to show up at my birth mostly. She never asked if she could bring other random people to my house. It doesn't bother me <i>that</i> much. I would have liked forewarning or something.<br><br>
And then there's the fact that she wears horrible perfume. I keep telling myself that a few minor boundary issues probably aren't worth $1000. But this is really bothering me, and I've spent a lot of mental energy trying to figure out what to do our how I can come up with money for a different midwife. I think maybe it's time to just do it.<br><br>
I think I'm done. I'm exhausted from thinking about this a million times over.
 

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Oh that sounds rotten and so unprofessional! I would be pretty nuts if someone brought kids to my house without asking - especially to come in and play? Weird. I have major issues with privacy and boundaries.<br><br>
I would address those things with her asap - you just can't have strange kids showing up at a birth or what not and even the perfume is worth talking about. If she is totally offended, you probably need to switch anyway. I get that it is really hard to be a midwife when you have a family, but it comes with the territory.
 

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Perfume!? A midwife should know better than that. Perfume kills me when I'm pregnant. And the kid situation-sounds kind of weird and unprofessional. You should have a talk with her or hire a new midwife ASAP.
 

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I would be so not okay with any of those things. The random children coming to your house, even if they just hang out outside is just odd and unprofessional. And the perfume thing is something worth talking about. I know for myself that I would let these things build and do one of my pregnant mini-explosions where I just kind of freak out and get it all off of my chest and then regret later. I do not recommend this method.<br><br>
Hope you can work things out with your MW or find a way to afford to go elsewhere.
 

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I would very much not be okay with that (very very much not okay with leaving kids in a car while she works!)<br><br>
you know what they say... you get what you pay for... its unfortunately true in this case too. Going with her just because she doesnt cost as much does not sound like a great option... we are paying a pretty high amount for our midwife (upper range of the amount I was told was reasonable for that area by my own doctor... but not above reasonable) and she has seemed so far to be worth every single cent of it... and Ive only gone to see her once! (though I have emailed her during the time living up here to keep her updated on things such as my partial previa, which she isnt worried about either, and my spd, to which she replied with a long list of helpful tips ive been trying to follow.)
 

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how unprofessional. I am all for having a nice casual friendship like relationship with my midwife, but I would not be happy with her bringing any children to my prenatal appointments. If she doesn't have childcare for scheduled visits, what does she do for births? My midwife's apprentice for my last birth was a friend of mine and our kids played together often. She never brought her son to my prenatals. My midwife's daughter (with my last birth) is a really good friend of mine and our kids played together often. It still would have been very odd for my MW to bring her grandchildren to my house for my prenatals.<br><br>
I don't think this would be okay with me. I mean, if I loved the midwife it might be. But it just seems so disrespectful. I met with a midwife who brought her (2ish yo) daughter with her to our consult, and she was just running around my house with no supervision (except that provided by my husband, who should have been able to participate in the appointment) and it *should* have been a major red flag. The MW was very disrespectful of my time and extremely disorganized. So, definitely look at the whole picture, but it sounds like you have and you are still worried that the MW will show up to your birth with 5 or 6 kids in tow, and I don't think that would be okay with many people.
 

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SWITCH!!!!<br><br>
Back with #1, I hired a doula that was good at meeting #1, and then progressively got more unprofessional as the time went on. Nothing as horrible as you describe, but she never arranged her life to accomodate me - even though she was MY assistant. And because she made her plans #1 priority and not my birth, she missed my labor even though she had 9 hours notice (but she was there for the crowing, so she got paid. Pffft.)<br><br>
I wish I had followed my gut and cut her loose when I started to feel weird about her.<br><br>
Mothers have AMAZING intuition, listen to yours!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you ladies. I pretty much came to this conclusion on my own last night when I freaked out. I really don't care what it costs. I'm probably only going to give birth twice, maybe 3 times in my entire life. Might as well surround myself with people I'm comfortable with. And we all know that if we aren't comfortable in labor, we don't dilate as well.<br><br>
This is why we choose homebirth in the first place, right? So we can CONTROL who comes to our birth! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll">
 

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i can see a midwife's kids being a part of the bigger picture and her bringing them to prenatals (imagine community type, tribal living in the old midwifery days--how else did they do it. and w/ midwifery being a woman/child centered profession... ) but i can see how it wouldn't be for everybody. i would definitely want to ensure who was attending the birth beforehand. maybe she has no intention of bringing anybody other than her assistants?<br><br>
the perfume issue is odd. as a pp said, a midwife should know better.
 

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oops, just realized i was ddc. i'm due end of sept/beginning of oct anyway... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><br><br>
is she bringing her brood to your house for prenatals? that might be an entirely different thing. lol
 

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yup, i'd switch.. my midwife has 11 kids and she has never brought anyone to my house..
 
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