This bothers me... what are your thoughts...

942 Views 8 Replies 8 Participants Last post by dancindoula, Apr 24, 2009

kblackstone444

Discussion Starter · Apr 23, 2009

My Hubby has always been the best Dad I know, to his daughter, and to my son. He's always been super-involved in both the children's lives. My son lives with us- his Biological Father has never been involved. His daughter lives with us about 1/3 of the time, though it often turns out to be closer to 40% of the time. Every other Wednsday and every other weekend is the minimum.

My Hubby has a very demanding job in advertising. A couple times a year, for two, maybe three weeks a time, he literally works 24 hours a day, on these projects. This month is an especially big project. A five week run. The last three weeks have been rough, but we've managed. The next two weeks, starting after this weekend (this weekend we have my stepdaughter), my Hubby will be keeping up with this schedule for two more weeks.

We should have my stepdaughter this weekend, two Wednsdays in a row (weekend in between is her Mother's weekend) and then the following weekend is ours. This coming weekend, my stepdaughter has a friend's brithday party to go to, so we're dropping her off after church on Sunday, instead of after dinner on Sunday. The next weekend we'll have her is Mother's Day weekend, meaning, Saturday night, we have to bring her back to her Mother's, instead of keeping her all Sunday. Got all that? Two short weekends in a row with my stepdaughter, with Wednsdays scheduled in between.

In all fairness, my Hubby is the only one who does the transportation deal. I can't and her Mother won't. (It's in the visitation papers that her Mother doesn't have to.) He has to leave work early on Wednesdays (not a problem for his boss) to get my stepdaughter, drive her 15 minutes to our house, and then a couple hours later, drive her to her Mother's house, 25 minutes away. Usually in dinnertime traffic. In all fairness, it's probably really rough on my Hubby. But here's the thing that bothers me...

My Hubby will be cancelling the two Wednsdays in between, because of work. Cancelling, not rescheduling, with two very short weekends on either side. He will be telling my stepdaughter and her Mother that he has to work instead. Besides the fact that it's completely out of charachter for him (remember, super-involved Dad), this is screaming to me every which way that this is WRONG, this is a VERY BAD IDEA. This is screaming to me that 1. you don't drop visitation for work, 2. how's my stepdaughrer gonna feel that her Dad chose work over her (whether he did or not, that's how she will feel) and 3. her Mother will have some very good amunition if she ever wants to stir things up- "but he didn't mind not seeing her for two weeks in a row...". This feels so wrong. I feel dirty, like I'M ditching my stepdaughter, even though I have absolutely no control over it. And I'm concerned because, this is not my Husband. This is not the Dad I picked for my son, not the coparent I married. I'm not sure what to think, what I can say or do for damage control, because it will come back to us, one way or another. I can't believe my Hubby is willingly giving up his daughter for two weeks. He's very intelligent. He knows the possible repercussions. I just don't know what to think of this.

Thoughts on this? Thoughts on damage control for my stepdaughter's feelings? This is BAD, BAD, BAD. My Hubby is NOT a deadbeat Dad, not even close, but willingly giving up seeing his daughter for two weeks? He will be considered a deadbeat Dad, and my stepdaughter's Mother will have no problem telling her so. Or using it against us in the future is she ever wants to take away some of the visitation. What can I do? About my stepdaughter, about the situation, about this pod person who took over my Hubby's body?

I'm so disappointed.

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Oriole

· #2 · Apr 23, 2009

*hugs* I don't think 2 weeks is damaging, and I wouldn't worry about amunition. I aslo don't see it as choosing work over a child. Someone has to work so that the bills are paid. There are many parents that have jobs that take them away from family and kids for weeks at a time, and it doesnt' signify less love.

As long as he calls and keeps in touch, adn there are "I love you's" and "I miss you's", and "how was your day?" I think it's okay.

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Seasons

· #3 · Apr 23, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

A couple times a year, for two, maybe three weeks a time, he literally works 24 hours a day, on these projects.

He doesn't sleep for two or three weeks straight? I didn't even know that was physically possible - I thought people went psychotic after just a few days without sleep? That sounds AWFUL! Of course he couldn't drive or parent (or, I'd say, work) in such a condition! OMG!

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aricha

· #4 · Apr 23, 2009

If you can do it very gently, coming from a place of curiosity and wanting to understand, I would ask him about it. Earlier this year, my husband sounded like he was going to give up one visitation weekend with my step-daughter-- she lives 3000 miles away and he flies out there for a long weekend every month that she isn't here for a school break, so giving up one weekend is a BIG deal... it would have meant 8-10 weeks without seeing her. I was totally, totally shocked and dismayed... he has never, never, never given up time with his daughter voluntarily and has nearly gone to court over his ex trying to take away a DAY of his time... we have fought long and hard for the amount of time she is with us, which is a lot considering the situation. I was worried about what was going on in his head that it even seemed like an option to give up that visit. I also felt like it would be detrimental in terms of setting precedent for the future, negotiating time with her in the future, calculating future child support, etc, etc. not to mention how hard it would be on my step-daughter, and on him, too!

ANYway... I finally got to a place where I could let my own opinion of it go, and just asked him why. It turned out he was really stressed about the cost, the expense to his business (we have to pay someone anytime he is gone), and he was really worried about the stress it puts on me when he is out of town. I asked if we could look at the numbers and make a plan about the $$ short and long term, I reassured him about my own stress-level and made a plan for limiting the "burden" it was putting on me, we revisited his business plan... long story short, he had a lot of concerns that were (to me) clouding his judgement, and once I could explore those reasons with him without judging, we were able to find a solution that worked for him, and it turned out he actually spent a week there instead of just a weekend.

Sorry, that was long... but basically I am saying see if you can get to a place of neutrality about the situation, then ask him about his reasons. Don't make any assumptions about why he thinks this is a good choice, just ask. Maybe he is worried about the toll on you, or the gas money, or there is pressure from work that he hasn't shared with you, or whatever... don't torture yourself until you know you have the whole picture.

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pinksprklybarefoot

· #5 · Apr 23, 2009

It sounds like he is in a tough position. Sometimes work dictates that you *have* to work, and I am guessing that this is one of those situations. In this economy, people are protective of their jobs and I can understand if he feels the need to toe the line for a project that will only last a few weeks.

I know that at our house, my DH has been absent more than usual due to cutbacks by his employer. He is expected to work more to compensate for other employees that are no longer there. But I don't feel that I can complain because I know that a) he'd rather be here with us and b) we need the income/benefits from this job. Our situation is a little better than yours, though, because we don't have to modify parenting time when he is gone. Since DSD lives here half the time, she stays here even if it is only going to be DS and I at home that evening. I am guessing that you do not drive/have access to a vehicle or are not allowed to do the pickup? Otherwise I would suggest just picking her up anyway. At least she could see you and her brother.

There are a few things that he could possibly do to help the situation. Could he take her out for dinner on those two Wednesdays? Just drive the 15 min to where she is, take her out for a meal, have some conversation, then drop her back off? He has to eat sometime, and at least he would see her for a bit and she would know that he cares. Either that, or ask to reschedule that time in a few weeks, maybe once school lets out for summer? Even if he is sure that his ex will say "no," he should at least try, both to demonstrate that he wants the time but absolutely cannot do anything about it, or at the very least in a CYA move in case this comes up in court someday. He should probably make the request via email so there is a record.

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Jenne

· #6 · Apr 23, 2009

I'm NMY but saw the thread from the front page. If it is merely a transportation issue in that you would like to see her too on those Wednesdays but can't get her and take her home would a taxi be an option or hiring someone you know to make the trips? Could you pay her mother? I hear you saying that it is important for her Dad to see her but also for you to be involved with her. By solving the transportation dilemma her schedule can remain more typical.

I also like the idea of Dad going to her and visiting.

As for not seeing her Dad even if she does come for visitation, that's okay. Sometimes work interferes in getting to do everything we want to do. That's a good lesson for kids to see in action. Since it sounds like there is home/work balance usually I wouldn't be overly concerned unless it becomes a pattern.

I don't know about your DH but when mine gets onetracked or overwhelmed sometimes it is difficult for him switch gears and come up with solutions. I think it is great that as your DH's partner you are willing to help him with this. That's awesome. You are a great wife and stepmom!

Jenne

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kblackstone444

Discussion Starter · #7 · Apr 23, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seasons

Doesn't sleep for two or three weeks straight is a bit exaggerated, I guess. He'll sleep 4-4 1/2 hours a night, maybe as much as 5 hours at night on the weekends, but remain on call, with the possibility of a phone call at 3 am, for example, in which he has to get up and check on a problem. He has a very demanding and challenging job, and he's a perfectionist as well. I'm really starting to hate his job.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aricha

Sorry, that was long... but basically I am saying see if you can get to a place of neutrality about the situation, then ask him about his reasons. Don't make any assumptions about why he thinks this is a good choice, just ask. Maybe he is worried about the toll on you, or the gas money, or there is pressure from work that he hasn't shared with you, or whatever... don't torture yourself until you know you have the whole picture.

I have asked him. He says it's simply too much of a hassle with all the traveling. That's what I don't get- it's a hassle with the traveling, yeah, but I don't understand willingly not seeing your child for two weeks. I don't understand that part. If my stepdaughter's Mother was a nicer person and I had the transportation, I would consider seeing if I can come see her for a couple hours on Wednsdays, without my Hubby, but that'll never happen. Her Mother doesn't even let me or my son talk to my stepdaughter on the phone and with my Hubby working late (read 9-10 o'clock) every evening (and then coming home and continuing working on his laptop), we won't be near his phone if he does get a chance to talk to her. My stepdaughter will have NO contact with me or my son and very little contact with my Hubby. I can't wrap my mind around it. It's gonna kill me going that long with no contact with my stepdaughter. I don't understand how my Hubby would not only be okay with it, but volunteer not seeing his daughter for that long. That's never been how our family has worked.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot

I am guessing that you do not drive/have access to a vehicle or are not allowed to do the pickup? Otherwise I would suggest just picking her up anyway. At least she could see you and her brother.

All of the above- no car, no access, her Mother will not let me pick her up and my son is technically her stepbrother (even though they've been siblings and best friends for the last 6+ years), so, as her Mother likes to point out, he's not really part of my stepdaughter's family and neither am I.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot

There are a few things that he could possibly do to help the situation. Could he take her out for dinner on those two Wednesdays? Just drive the 15 min to where she is, take her out for a meal, have some conversation, then drop her back off? He has to eat sometime, and at least he would see her for a bit and she would know that he cares.

I'm gonna suggest that. Even if she can't see me and my son, at least she'd see her Dad and maybe even get to talk to us on the phone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenne

We can't afford a taxi for that lengh of trip. It would cost us roughly $175 plus a tip, each way. We have nobody else who can make that trip at that time on weekdays.

As for paying her Mother, no way. Her Mother once tried to make my Hubby pay her $50 to pick up my stepdaughter early (at noon, instead of at 3) from daycare, because she had already paid for a full day of daycare (read- she had no income yet and had paid for it with child support and/or alimony) and he had "no right" to ask for a couple extra hours with her on his day off. It would be too dangerous to get into the "we'll pay you" game with her.

Yes, I want to see her, too. Maybe she's not my daughter, and I hope nobody jumps on me for this, but we have an almost Mother/daughter relationship. I'm not replacing her Mother, I wouldn't, but me and my stepdaughter are very close. I am her third parent. I do as much for her as her Mother does and in our house, I do all the "Mother-type" caregiving. She's not my daughter, but between my Husband and I, both children are "our children". She's "my daughter I never had". I've never been so uninvolved in her life as right now. It feels so WRONG to go that long without one of "my" children.

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sunflowers

· #8 · Apr 24, 2009

You have an interesting take on a deadbeat dad.

Not seeing your child for 2 weeks does not make a deadbeat parent. Granted, if it were my child, I'd find a way to see her, but it wouldn't make any parent a deadbeat by any stretch of the imagination. Work happens from time to time. It's not like he's going out to the bar or anything else instead of using his parenting time.

Two thoughts jump out at me from your post.

1) You are afraid that he really is the kind of parent that will "drop" his kids for other obligations. Even though he hasn't demonstrated this trait during your relationship. You're afraid it's something that isn't outside the realm of possibility. You're afraid your son will be next? If he can cancel his time with his dd would it be easier to do the same to your son since he's set the precedent and since your son is not his legally or biologically? I'm not saying your husband thinks this but suggesting that it is one of your secret fears... Only you can determine that.

2) It sounds like you are not as concerned that her father spend time with her but that you get to see her, too. I understand the sentiment but it truly is more important that her dad have lunch or dinner with her and not be worried if they call you during that time. If he only has a hour or two with her during the week it would be better they share that time without the worry of calling SM, grandma, little brother, ect. It might be a very postive thing for him to spend time with her solo every week. Every little girl loves to spend alone time with thier mother and also with their father.

Dinner sounds like an awesome solution to me.

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dancindoula

· #9 · Apr 24, 2009

Not a step parent at all, but if I may, I LOVE the idea of a compromise where he meets her to take her out for dinner. My dad made a special point to take me out on dinner dates when I was growing up, for no reason other than he wanted some one-on-one time with me and I loved it. He took me out for my first real "date" when I turned 13 and that is still a really special memory for me. I hope your husband can work something like that out with your step-daughter because it has the potential to turn into a really cool moment for the two of them. ....anyway, take my $.02 for what they're worth....

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