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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The things I am about to tell you are true ,very real and also my life. This is over the course of the past 17 months. I am solely looking for sensible advice words of wisdom. I have been cruising around on this site for a while and everyone seems so kind and interested in helping people solve issues its inspirational to me. My issue is with the father ao my DD we live together and our DD is 9 weeks old today. When he and I met I was 22 he was 39. We had a casual relationship for a short time and then obviously a sexual one. I always insisted on using a condom and he told mee time after time he had a vasectomy. Heres where it gets interesting...He didnt really have a vasectomy and after knowing him for around 5-6 months and only skipping the condom one time I was pregnant. I always told him I wasnt ready for kids thats the reason for the condom and so on. So basically he admitted to me he didnt have a vasectomy but it took alot of pushing 2 months worth and insisting he se a doctor to correct it. I regret saying this but I am resentful because I truly wasnt ready for this and I was irresponsible the one time but I never expected to be lied to by someone I loved about something so life altering. My question is this will I ever get over it? Will I be able to trust him again and adjust to my new life as a mom? By the way she is gorgeous.The best part is he insists I stay at home with her and I love that I wouldnt have it any other way!
 

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I think you are going to have a hard time trusting him after that one. It doesn't matter that it all turned out okay and that your DD is the light of your life, it was still a *huge* lie.<br><br>
I'd suggest couples counselling. I think it's really difficult to get over a major breach of trust without it.
 

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I agree with couples counseling.<br><br>
I'd also be concerned about him "insisting" that you stay home. I am a SAHM, and am obviously all for it, but I do it because I want to, not because my dh insists that I do. And even though it is working well for you now, you should try to get a sense of what else he is going to insist that you do.<br><br>
Congratulations on the birth of you daughter!
 

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Wow. That is incredible. Can you trust him? I certainly wouldn't. Not after he lied about something so serious and important. Aside from the vasectomy lie, how is your relationship? How does he treat you? How does he interact with your daughter?<br><br>
Adjusting to life as a mom is difficult and takes time (sometiems I think I'm still adjusting and my dd is 15 months old!). Just be patient with your dd and yourself and you will adjust <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I agree with PP's that if anything can work you will need some counseling. That was a major breach of trust there, and if you have no trust you have no relationship IMO.<br><br>
I also find it a little disheartening that he INSISTS you SAH. If you want to, that's one thing, but if you wanted to go out and get a job would he comply with that?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Welcome.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="welcome"><br><br>
Glad you're here!<br><br>
Will you ever get over it? I can't answer that for you - I can only say that for myself, that would be a BIG breach of trust. If it were me, like the previous posters said, couples counseling would be in order. And if my partner wouldn't go, I would go by myself. It would definitely take work to restore the trust on which a strong relationship must be built.<br><br>
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter! Stay and post more here at MDC. It's a very supportive environment.<br><br>
I hope it works out well with your SO.
 

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Get yourselves to a councellor!!!!!!! That is a big, soul-shattering lie because he knew you weren't ready and he disregarded that fact. I wish you peace ancd joy in parenthood and please know that even those of us who were ready (whatever THAT means) are often completely overwhelmed and frustrated and tired and want to take a long weekend to go to a spa and be served little drinks with umbrellas in them :LOL .<br><br>
You knew yourself well enough to know you weren't ready to be a parent, I'm guessing you know whether you can get over this betrayal.<br><br>
Please seek out parenting encouragement here. I found it so helpful to find other moms who feel like I do and don't judge me for having a bad day and who celebrate when I have a good one.<br><br>
Cheers!
 

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I absolutely could never trust a man who would lie to me about something as important and life changing as that. What on earth could his motivation have been--that you'd insist on a condom? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
After talking to him I was told the reason why he told me he had the vas was because he was sure he couldnt get me pregnant. He had been married twice a total of 22 years and never got anyone pregnant. I told him that doesnt qualiify as a vas. He thinks everyting is ok because he said he always wanted a baby and he says your happy to so why regret it? I feel so resentful then I feel bad for feeling so resentful and then I feel mad for feeling bad. Making any sense? He also spoils us rotten he is apparently under the impression that will make it better. I think he has some remorse and thats the reason he does all the stuff I think is unecasary like hiring a maid she comes in 5 times a week she does all the housework and he says its to help me feel less stessed out but its not the dishes and housework that stresses me its my life. I feel like its better for me and DD to stay with him a while he deserves her in his life too but I know I dont love him as a wife/husband love its really alot more dull and a little faked on my part he says he will always love me and wants to marry me but I cant get over the lie. We are living in such a twisted situation right now. Is there enough here to try to build a foundation? O r did the lie ruin all hope of a life I was hoping to have with this man earlier on? Thank you everyone for the words of wisdom and encouragment. It helps me get some perspective and a much needed grip on life.
 

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I agree with the other posters, explain that you are not ready to choose marriage and that you think it would be in everyones best interest including your daughters if you went to counseling to make sure the marriage or even just a relationship would be worth the time and effort.<br><br>
At 22 you have so much more life ahead of you, if you are fine with staying home but want to persue schooling or other ventures I would make that clear also. I went to night school for 7 years and while I stay at home with dd now, I am happy that I completed that part of my life too. Just something to think about.<br><br>
By the way LOVE your daughters name!<br><br>
JennP
 

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Welcome and congrats on the new baby!!<br><br>
The idea that he insists you stay at home and lied to you about having a vasectomy concern me. I hope I'm not being to forward, but could he have intentionally gotten you pregnant so that he could have you at home to control? Just a thought. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Motherhood is such an all-encompassing, tough job that I cannot even imagine being tricked into it.<br><br>
This is not a man I would ever trust again. Childbearing is just too sacred to be done on the sly. And you, IMO are still rather close to being a child yourself (I mean that in a GOOD way. 22 is very youthful!!). There is no way in the universe I was ready to be a mother at the age of 22. You sound like you weren't quite ready for it either.<br><br>
It also sounds like you may not totally be in love with this man. Looking at a lifetime with someone who you feel like you have to "fake" emotions with must be incredibly hard.<br><br>
Since this man is so intent on spoiling you with a maid, I'd tell him to spring for a therapist and a continued education for you too. Even if it doesn't work out that you'll spend a lifetime with this guy, therapy can help you build a heathy communication foundation for your DD's sake. And a college degree (or more) will help you figure out your life's path.
 

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That's a pretty big lie- and it will affect the rest of your life. Get some counseling- if he won't go with you, go without him. Someone who really cares about YOU will be careful with your future also. I would be concerned that he wasn't/isn't doing that.
 

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I think previous posters have said it all already, but:<br><br>
1) Get counselling. For one thing, you need to discuss this between you in a productive fashion. The fact that he lied to you about something that major and is now trying to shrug it off is <i>very</i> serious. I don't think you should just walk, because of your daughter. But, he chose to ignore the fact that you weren't ready to have a baby, which was not actiing in your daughter's best interests. The other reason counselling is in order is that I think he needs it. This sounds like an attempt to control you, but that may not have been conscious. If he's trying to tie you down both with the responsibility for a baby <i>and</i> by limiting your opportunities, he may not even really be aware that that's what he's doing. (I'm basing this on a couple of people I know in real life.)<br><br>
2) If there's <i>anything</i> you're interested in learning about, insist on getting some education. It won't cost anymore than a maid does.<br><br>
I have to say that this whole scenario...lying to you and getting you pregnant, "insisting" that you stay home, getting you a maid, etc. sounds like he's trying to keep you under his thumb. It sends up a lot of red flags.But, personally, I'd try counselling before anything else, because you already share a child.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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I see a real problem here. You may be able to forgive and forget this incident but there is a reason that he didn't tell you. He has real personality issues to do this to a young woman insistent on her own young life without children. I would guess right off hand that it was means to trap you into always being together with him. Just my 2 cents, but I would always question his motives, trust and love.<br><br>
Sorry, but I think that was very deceitful, selfish and downright abhorrent. I can't make excuses on how I feel, I just do. I also have no faith in counseling. Trying to coach a 40 year old is tough enough, but one who has already lied and caused you so much pain just seems not worth it.<br><br>
Good Luck in whatever you do.<br><br>
BTW, I am also male, if you didn't notice.
 

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I don't necessarily have a lot of faith in counselling either, just for the record. But, I do think it's worth a try. IF this guy can understand why he did what he did, then maybe he can address his issues.<br><br>
Under most circumstances, I'd say "dump the jerk asap", but I do think that counselling is at least worth a try now that there's a child involved.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I feel like its better for me and DD to stay with him a while he deserves her in his life too but I know I dont love him as a wife/husband love its really alot more dull and a little faked on my part.</td>
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I don't think it is better for your dd to stay with him "a while". Either you stay in a happy, loving relationship built on deep love and trust, or you should get out now, while your dd is still a baby. The longer she stays with him and gets attached, the more traumatized she'll be when you do eventually separate, I think.<br><br>
And if you don't ever leave him, then you'll be modelling martyrdom and settling for unhappiness and quite possibly leading her to relive your unhappiness in her own life. You don't want to do that, right?<br><br>
You are only 22 - surely you know you deserve a loving relationship and have every likelihood of finding one! And then your daughter will grow up watching and internalising what a loving relationship looks like.<br><br>
Heck, I'm 42, getting fat and ugly and have no assurance at all of ever finding another relationship, but I don't care. Happy and single is way better than unhappy and married! Now if only I could afford to move out.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>summermom</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think it is better for your dd to stay with him "a while"... [leave him and find a good trusting and true love] and then your daughter will grow up watching and internalising what a loving relationship looks like.</div>
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<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/truedat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Truedat"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/truedat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Truedat"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/truedat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Truedat"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/truedat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Truedat"><br>
You couldn't be more right about this. Too many people 'stay together for their kids' but don't realize how much the bad relationship is screwing upi their chance of ever having a GREAT relationship in their life. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
Now that so many people are on the same page, I can come out with my original thought...SCUM-BAG!!!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shake.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shake"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shake.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shake"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shake.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shake">
 

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I too am concerned about him lying to you, then trying to convince you you'll be happy, then insisting that you stay home. These types of things are all red flags of domestic abusers.<br><br>
Somewhere on the 'net there is a list of things to look for to identify a controller. Anyone know what I'm talking about/have the link? I think the background color for the list is yellow.<br><br>
In peace,
 

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I've seen the list you mean, but I don't have a link. If tomorrow isn't totally insane, I'll try to track it down. It's an interesting and enlightening read. My ex hit on almost every point...
 
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