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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My dd has picked up this habit of immediately retorting "No!" to anything I say.<br><br>
Here's an example.<br><br>
We're on our way home in the car and she's trying to get ds1 to play tug of war with her with the string from the lacing cards. He apparently doesn't want to and keeps putting his end of the string in his mouth. She loses her temper and socks him right in the face! I pulled over the car and we have this conversation,<br><br>
Me: "You may not hit your brother!"<br><br>
DD: "Yes I can!"<br><br>
Me: "You hit him right in the face, that hurts him!"<br><br>
DD: "Nah, that doesn't hurt."<br><br>
Me: "No hitting!"<br><br>
Dd: "Yeah, I will."<br><br>
Her tone is totally nonchalant, like we're discussing whether or not she likes strawberry ice cream or which book she wants to read. Though, come to think of it, there is a little snotty edge to it.<br><br>
This happens a lot. Many of my requests are met with "Nah, I don't want to," or "No, not really." It really, really makes me mad though in situations like the above. Now, I try to use the Anthony Wolf approach and think, "Oh, it's just the babyself talking." But mostly I just see red. I think blatant defiance would make me less angry. I also think it's kind of become a habit for her, and it's certainly a nasty one. Any ideas?
 

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I would try to restate her desire with alternate vocabulary and reframe her actions by modeling requests. For instance, 'Did you want your brother to play tug of war?' (pause, offer space to feel heard)<br><br>
'You could ask him to play tug of war. You didn't want him to put the lacing string in his mouth?' (pause, offer space to feel heard)<br><br>
'Next time, could you ask him to give the string back? Hitting him hurts and he probably won't want to play when he is crying. Ok?'<br><br><br>
Providing alternate ways for her to get her needs met, rather than telling her what not to do, doesn't leave the space for "no". Perhaps. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I love how independent minded and confident she sounds. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br><br>
Pat
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Well, I actually was doing that before she lost it and hit him. I was trying to clarify for ds1 what she wanted him to do, but then she just lost her temper. I like your suggestions, but I also feel it is important to make my strong disapproval of violence clear to both of them. I especially want to make it clear to ds1 that I take it very seriously when someone hurts him.<br><br>
Plus, she often does this for other things, too, that are not such a big deal. Like asking her to pick something up, or do a chore, etc. I find it terribly disrespectful.
 

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I am very Anthony Wolf with that kind of backtalk. Sort of. I mean, I can say that there are ways I have of responding to issues (or starting them) that really trigger those kinds of responses. So I try to avoid responding/initiating in those ways.<br><br>
Once that kind of response has happened, though, overall I find it's best to just ignore it, Wolf-style. My oldest in particular, like her dad, tends to be a "gotta have the last word" kind of gal. So responding to that kind of backtalk in the moment is just a recipe for more backtalk.<br><br>
I'm not remembering ever talking to her about it at some other, calm time. That's just never been a behavior that's high on our priority list.
 

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I think your response to the hitting incident was great. I can't see anything to be gained by putting her in timeout or some sort of consequence for the backtalk.<br><br>
Focusing on the positive can be very helpful. You could try using a jar and putting in a marble every time dd speaks respectfully to you, to help both you and her notice all the times she does. A small reward to celebrate when the jar is filled up is fun, but I wouldn't use a large reward because that is too distracting.<br><br>
I know I read the idea for a marble jar on this board somewhere, but I don't remember whose idea it was - sorry about not giving credit!
 

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What if you ended it with something that is less easy to disagree with? Like "Do not hit your brother. There are better ways to try to work this out."<br><br>
In response to "I don't want to" could you say "I hear that you don't want to. It has to be done, and I expect you to do it" (and add why) or even<br>
"If you can think of a good solution that will work for everyone, I'm all ears." (I might add "otherwise, get to it" in a light-ish voice).
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>rainbringer</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10726952"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think your response to the hitting incident was great. I can't see anything to be gained by putting her in timeout or some sort of consequence for the backtalk.<br><br>
Focusing on the positive can be very helpful. You could try using a jar and putting in a marble every time dd speaks respectfully to you, to help both you and her notice all the times she does. A small reward to celebrate when the jar is filled up is fun, but I wouldn't use a large reward because that is too distracting.<br><br>
I know I read the idea for a marble jar on this board somewhere, but I don't remember whose idea it was - sorry about not giving credit!</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I've thought about a reward system like that, but I could just see it getting really out of control. I think my dd would be slightly offended by it, and then in response she would exploit it, like coming up to me every five seconds to say something respectful. Does that make any sense?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Deva33mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10727686"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What if you ended it with something that is less easy to disagree with? Like "Do not hit your brother. There are better ways to try to work this out."<br><br>
In response to "I don't want to" could you say "I hear that you don't want to. It has to be done, and I expect you to do it" (and add why) or even<br>
"If you can think of a good solution that will work for everyone, I'm all ears." (I might add "otherwise, get to it" in a light-ish voice).</div>
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I like these suggestions. I think you're right that I need to be saying "I hear that you don't want to", even when she doesn't say "I don't want to" but instead "I'm not going to!"<br><br>
It's tough, because my blood is usually boiling at this point and it takes a lot of self control to not just flip out at here.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>natensarah</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10738846"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've thought about a reward system like that, but I could just see it getting really out of control. I think my dd would be slightly offended by it, and then in response she would exploit it, like coming up to me every five seconds to say something respectful. Does that make any sense?<br><br>
.</div>
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Hmm, I see what you mean. What about casually mentioning positive things she did while chatting with someone else while she is in earshot?
 

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I don't know if I will be much help as we are having a similar situation here. My ds (also 4) will say no in a variety of ways but he is usually doing what he is saying no to.<br><br>
"Nathaniel sit on your bum"<br>
"No way" (as he sits)<br><br>
"Time for clean up"<br>
"Not gonna happen" (pickiing up toys)<br><br>
And so on and so on ALL DAY LONG. It really probably shouldn't bother me as things are eventually getting done but it makes me crazy. One thing that has been helpful is to use more signs and gestures. For some reason the no response seems to decrease that way. Good luck to you! Your dd sounds really bright and creative if that's any help<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Bolt.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bolt">
 
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