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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dh confirmed tonight that he is moving out. He is bipolar and we have an unhappy marriage. However, I would be willing to try again with more therapy. He is done, though. We have 3 children: 6,5,and 8 months.

I am devastated. I am trying to be positive, but I am crushed. I am so worried about how this will hurt my children. I read reviews on Amazon about a book regarding the severe negative impact divorce has on children and how it is basically unavoidable. WTH?

I am a hsing SAHM and would like to stay one. How can I do this? DH makes very little money.

We have to be out of this rental by July. He will not let me take my children back east. He is willing to do all that he can to make this a smooth transition for them. He is looking into housing in my town, so he is able to help.

I am a good woman who just wanted a good man and a happy, supportive and loving family. Why was this too much to ask for in life?

I am so sad at the loss of what I dreamed for my family.

So scared at the thought of sleeping in a house alone.

So worried at how I will make money and still keep our hsing life consistent.

I don't even know any other divorced families. I don't have many friends. My oldest boy goes to a hsing farm school a few days a week. He will be the only child from a divorced home. He is a cautious and somewhat anxious child, who likes to fit in. What will this do to him???


I had so much hope for my life. Instead, I have been met with constant loss and struggle. My brother died. my mother died. My father is at the end of his life. My husband is leaving me.
 

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Just want to send you hugs and say you need a free consult with a lawyer ASAP. Make sure you know what your rights are. Apply now for every public benefit you can qualify for and get an emergency order of support. Even if he makes little, he WILL be required to pay you according to your state's formula. I have a friend whose husband left her pregnant with her only child. She homeschooled and worked for the last 15 years. It is possible. Be strong. Many mamas here find life gets so much better after the painful marriage is finally over.
 

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This is the crisis period. You and your LOs will make it through. I second Twins Mama's a suggestions.

I can't tell you exactly what your life will look like, or how your children will cope. Your lives will be different. Maybe subtly different, maybe vastly different. You may have to let go of some ideals or parts of your lifestyles, and embrace new ones. I would look into counseling for yourself ASAP. I would also plan to try to get some for your children at some point, especially given the family history of bipolar.

I know this sounds trite, but I think the most important thing you can do for your children is to stay positive in front of them (cry into your glass of wine after they're in bed, I have) and to do absolutely everything within your power (unfortunately, you can't control everything) to make their lives as stable as possible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the advice. I am calling a lawyer today. I saw three lawyers a few years back, when things were rocky, so I know who the good ones are and have them secured.

As far as stability goes, yes definitely. Infact, I am thinking of ways to make this period even more stable. We have some hs allotment left and they want to do gymnastics lessons.

As for me, I do not have money for therapy and babysitter so I am out. I did have a phone consult with Jan Hunt last week. Maybe I can do that a couple of more times.

My biggest fear is the impact it will have on my kids. What I have read of the trauma involved is so horrible to me. DH just says, "oh it will be different for our kids." WTF?

I am very sad.
 

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We all want to protect our kids from everything, but life has lots of traumas, really. That's how it is. Traumas at school, with friends, at playgrounds.. I'm not saying divorce/parents splitting isn't a bigger trauma, but it's not always a bad thing, I suppose is what I mean.

I've thought about this a lot, not just in terms of this but in terms of wanting to just shield my own children from all sorts of things, and it's not possible. I look at myself and those around me and the greatest people I know have been through just horrible things... and gotten through them, as better people. Who would we all be if not for the struggles?

Anyway, sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm scatterbrained today (or always).
Sorry you're going through this.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by unfrozncavegrl View Post
He is willing to do all that he can to make this a smooth transition for them.
if indeed he is honest, and serious and really willing to work things smoothly for his children (may not include you), support you to take care of your children - it wont be as hard on your children as you think it is. throw those books out. only read books that guide you about the technical aspect of divorce. not books.

no matter what you read, if your dh and you are not willing to compromise and work things out it is going to be hard on kids.

if you work together then all it will be is daddy and mommy living in seperate houses.

but somewhere down the line you will look back and see this was the right thing to do - for you and for your children as well as your dh.

make a list of the practical things that most concern you. money. schooling. where will you live. and then sit with ex and see what you can work out. whether court is a good idea or not to work things out is your decision. it may be, it may not be.

you will make it through. how is it all going to happen - well that is the journey. if the fairy godmother came and showed you that this is what your next six months are going to look like - it certainly is not going to reassure you, or help you in anyway.

all you do is live moment to moment, one step ahead at a time. dont look too far or it will throw you into panic attacks. honestly i have no idea how i made it thru the first two years.

but all i can say is i discovered a wonderful world full of generous giving strangers who are willing to work with you. when i decided to move out i got a place i could move into immediately but i had to wait a month for my landlord's notice. when i knew i had no choice but to go back to work, found a job immediately.

it is the fear of the unknown. as you walk this path you will never ever be the same again. you will be empowered in an unbelievable way.

and life will work out.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee View Post
if you work together then all it will be is daddy and mommy living in seperate houses
this is absolutely true. I was also freaked out about the possible trauma to my kids but they have been amazingly fine through everything and I attribute that to the fact that my ex and I have done everything we can to ensure that they are ok. We keep all relationship drama FAR away from them, NEVER talk about the other parent around them, except in a logistical way, we've kept their daily routines as close to normal as possible and EX even moved into the house next door so it really is just a matter of them now having 2 houses.

It's possible but it takes a huge commitment from both parents to always keep the children's needs at the forefront. Your pain, your upset, your panic is for your own private time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I have kept my tears, abundant as they are, for my own private time. That is not to say I have not cried during the day; I just beeline for the bathroom for a quick cry.

I am finding that I am living more in the moment and doing more with my children right now.

Thanks so muhch for taking the time to help me through this.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by unfrozncavegrl View Post
I am a good woman who just wanted a good man and a happy, supportive and loving family. Why was this too much to ask for in life?

I am so sad at the loss of what I dreamed for my family.

So scared at the thought of sleeping in a house alone.

So worried at how I will make money and still keep our hsing life consistent.

I had so much hope for my life. Instead, I have been met with constant loss and struggle.
Oh, mama. I know how you feel. My situation is different, but I think our pain is similar. It's so much more than losing a person...it's losing a chunk of your life.

Stay strong, mama. You can make it through. Just look at your beautiful children - they are the most precious thing on this earth.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by smeep View Post
Oh, mama. I know how you feel. My situation is different, but I think our pain is similar. It's so much more than losing a person...it's losing a chunk of your life.

Stay strong, mama. You can make it through. Just look at your beautiful children - they are the most precious thing on this earth.
Thanks!
:
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by unfrozncavegrl View Post
I have kept my tears, abundant as they are, for my own private time. That is not to say I have not cried during the day; I just beeline for the bathroom for a quick cry.
mama dont hide the tears from your children. its honesty. your kids probably know why you run to the bathroom. its a great lesson for them. that you can be sad and still go on. i have had my 2 year old wipe my tears saying mama its going to be ok. its going to be ok.
 

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awww mama. you have enough on your plate. dont add more by trying to hide your abundant tears. i am just so glad you are crying. it is v. v. healing - like a washing away. its opening the floodwaters and letting the grief flow through you. dont worry you wont do it for ever. give your children the opportunity to console you too. it helps them too as it makes them feel they are contributing to you.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee View Post
mama dont hide the tears from your children. its honesty. your kids probably know why you run to the bathroom. its a great lesson for them. that you can be sad and still go on. i have had my 2 year old wipe my tears saying mama its going to be ok. its going to be ok.
:

I think it is perfectly fine for your kids to see that you're sad. They're sad, too. It's a terribly sad thing, the loss of the dreams you had. We don't need to hide that from our kids. My DS has been remarkably unfazed by some pretty long crying jags from his mama--I attend to him as well as I can, but there are times when I literally cannot stop crying (despite my best efforts), and we muddle through.

I would hate for my DS to think that either a) I don't care, or b) strong people don't cry or get sad over something really big. Coping and competent does not equal emotionless.
 
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