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I had to ride the elevator down with a mama and her maybe 2 month old baby today. The baby kept looking at me and all I wanted to do was hold her and love her and kiss her little feet (I have a baby feet thing) but I couldn't. I go into every store and I notice all the babies and I get so sad and angry. . .I want my baby. Why did my baby die?????? I long to hold my baby. I want my baby so bad. I need her. I need to hold Naiya, nurse her, kiss her little hands and feet, smell her. I soooo did not get enough time with her. Why didn't I spend more time with her, holding her after she died. Sometimes I walk into the room where we have her shrine set up and I long to pick up her container and carry it around with me. . .but that's crazy, it isn't the same as having her. I'm wondering what I could have done differently in her birth so she wouldn't have been so stressed. The mw didn't want me to labor on the toilet, but I did anyway. Maybe if I hadn't the mw would have monitored her heartbeat better and we would have known she was stressed because I don't remember her monitoring the heart at all while I was on the toilet. I know this is dumb thinking. . .I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I can't help wondering. I think I must have really screwed up my karma somewhere along the line. Why did this happen? What kind of greater being would give me a DS who had cancer and a baby who died? I feel very unlucky and sad<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:
 

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Oh mama, I'm sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Barbara,<br><br>
You didn't do anything wrong. Intellectually you know this. This was a horrible tragedy and it sucks that it happened to you and your family. I know what it feels like to see babies everywhere, and ache so deeply inside for your own. Maybe things will be a bit easier when you move off the base....it is a fishbowl. Good luck, and whether you believe it or not....I'm thinking of you.<br><br>
Kelly
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/candle.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Candle"><br><br>
It's so hard. So horrible. For awhile . .. .. then it slowly becomes a little less unbearable one day.<br><br>
Take care and know this was an awful tragedy.
 

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So sorry mama <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br>
I know what it is like to wonder "why?" and "how could this happen?, "who could allow this?" and yet I don't have answers. Losing a baby makes you feel like the whole world is coming unhinged, like anything could happen and there is nothing to stop the worst from happening, having a little boy with cancer must only make it even scarier. I can't imagine what you are going through, there aren't words, I'm so sorry <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>treemom2</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8194448"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Sometimes I walk into the room where we have her shrine set up and I long to pick up her container and carry it around with me. . .but that's crazy, it isn't the same as having her.</div>
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It's not the same, but it isn't crazy, not at all. You do what you need to do. I talk to my baby and kiss her goodnight every night in my mind.<br><br>
I am so sorry for your terrible loss. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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