[orangekoolaid]

DP and I have been together for 13+ years and have a 2 year old daughter together. For those of you who aren't married and in a LTR, what do your "in-laws" call you? His sisters, brothers all call me their SIL, but DP's mother always screws up an introduction. I used to be called "P's friend" now it is is a little better "this is my granddaughter A, and her mother L"

To me, this doesn't really jive well with me because it feels really distant and not included. I know she is very old fashioned and knows it would be easier if we were technically married.

Any thoughts or ideas on what you do/have done would be helpful. DP has talked with them in the past about it (basically because before i was "P's friend" it was "this is uh, uh, uh, uh....." which really irritated me. So I guess some progress is better than none!

 

[fek&fuzz]

"Tommy's girlfriend"

 

[absinthe]

My dh and I are now married, but we were together for almost eight years first. My family just called my partner "Heather's partner".

 

[Teenytoona]

I preferred (since we did end up married, but were not for a long time) partner if someone was referencing him. Or IL. I call my bro's fiance SIL, because she might as well be.

 

[vegemamato]

I'm the girlfriend

and it drives me batty!

She really doesn't mean any harm, but c'mon! we've been together 7 years, and we have three kids (two are his biologically). She didn't refer to my oldest as her granddaughter or call her son 'dad' -even though my daughter has since 18 months- until 4 yrs ago either

:

I wish she'd just say wife

(it would save others a lot of confussion and me a lot of -uncomfortable- explaining)

(I was 'T's friend' for a long time too, and I'm still 'their mom' occasionally

)

 

[calpurnia]

his mother refers to me as his girlfriend.

his sister refers to me as her sister in law.

i refer to them as dp's mother & dp's sister.

his mother has a photo album labelled "boasting book", in which she has photos of me holding the baby (her only grandchild) as the very first entry. i was really touched by that, because i know she would prefer it had we been married properly before reproducing.

 

[Liquesce]

I'm a little neurotic about technicalities sometimes myself ... I'd be happy to be called a wife if my partner and I decided to marry without ceremony, legal paperwork, or whatever, but "in-law" would bug me because, well, I'd not be. Maybe "daughter-out-law."

 

[orangekoolaid]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liquesce I'm a little neurotic about technicalities sometimes myself ... I'd be happy to be called a wife if my partner and I decided to marry without ceremony, legal paperwork, or whatever, but "in-law" would bug me because, well, I'd not be. Maybe "daughter-out-law."

I actually thought of calling her my "mother-out-law" once just to get my point across!

 

[KnittingTigers]

I tend to just use "partner" for all committed couples, myself and DP included. I guess part of it for me is a political thing- not all couples can get married, you know?- but also, it just seems to connote a permanent, life-partnerish relationship in a way that's inclusive of people regardless of their gender, sexuality, or marriage-preference.

 

[vegemamato]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngelaM I tend to just use "partner" for all committed couples, myself and DP included. I guess part of it for me is a political thing- not all couples can get married, you know?- but also, it just seems to connote a permanent, life-partnerish relationship in a way that's inclusive of people regardless of their gender, sexuality, or marriage-preference.

ohhhh, you're awesome!

I really like that.. I've been trying to come up with similar, just couldn't find the right words

thanks!

 

[calpurnia]

angelam, i agree. i used to use partner (although dp's family never would), but since we had the baby i sometimes use "boyfriend" because it makes me feel younger

 

[darcytrue]

I'm married but before married I would be referred to as my first name only.

I guess people just assumed that I was my husband's significant other at the time. Plus we had a child together 5 years before marriage so it was obvious.

 

[KnittingTigers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by calpurnia angelam, i agree. i used to use partner (although dp's family never would), but since we had the baby i sometimes use "boyfriend" because it makes me feel younger

that's really funny!

 

[Magali]

Dh and I are not married. Our families refer to us as husband and wife. We refer to each other as husband and wife. A few days ago we were talking to a friend of dh's with whom he hasn't spoke in years. This guy kept referring to dh as my boyfriend. It was funny cause we've been together for almost 6 years and passed the boyfriend/girlfriend phase years ago. When I spoke to my sil the other day I told her about the conversation and how the guy kept using the word boyfriend. We had a good chuckle.

 

[Kirsten]

I am confused, and will be the one someone is posting about 20 years from now on this same topic.

I don't understand wanting to be referred to as dp's wife or MIL's DIL if you aren't. I agree that girlfriend seems a little "young" or less than committed, so given that I'd say L's partner or M's mom when introducing. I don't see how it is offensive to use the actual terms.

The only time I'd use wife or husband for people who aren't married is if they couldn't legally marry. If they are committed and not ABLE to marry, and want to use those terms - I'd do that. But for people for whom marriage is a choice and they choose not to - totally fine with that in every regard. Live together, have kids, be committed - but why call an orange shirt red? Free country and you can if you want - but I think it is unfair to be mad when others don't.

 

[trinity6232000]

My brother has been in a committed relationship with the same woman for 9 years now. They have no plans on marrying, and I call her my SIL. My Dad calls her his DIL. She's family, doesn't matter if there is a legal commitment to my family. I think we stopped calling her "brothers girlfriend" around the time they had been together 4-5 years. I didn't think about it, I just felt like at that time she needed to be more than the "girlfriend" and started calling her that.

 

[Treece]

We've been together 2 yrs and have 1 kid. His family refers to me as his other half. I like it

My family well, he's never met them, but I just say bf or his name with them. It's all good here.

 

[Mountaingirl79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kirsten I am confused, and will be the one someone is posting about 20 years from now on this same topic. I don't understand wanting to be referred to as dp's wife or MIL's DIL if you aren't. I agree that girlfriend seems a little "young" or less than committed, so given that I'd say L's partner or M's mom when introducing. I don't see how it is offensive to use the actual terms. The only time I'd use wife or husband for people who aren't married is if they couldn't legally marry. If they are committed and not ABLE to marry, and want to use those terms - I'd do that. But for people for whom marriage is a choice and they choose not to - totally fine with that in every regard. Live together, have kids, be committed - but why call an orange shirt red? Free country and you can if you want - but I think it is unfair to be mad when others don't.

I would probably use the "common law" argument if I were in the OP's shoes.

But I kinda wonder, with no snark intended at all.....if you choose not to get married, why would you want to be called "wife" ??

 

[orangekoolaid]

well, being called wife (or DIL or SIL) just makes things easier and also provides an easy way to make me feel like I'm a part of the family. Just because we haven't stood in front of everyone and said vows and signed some marriage document doesn't mean we aren't committed and doesn't mean I shouldn't be a part of his family, in words, that is.

And, FWIW I live in Canada which means we have a common-law arrangement and that basically means we are married.

I think some day we will get married. When all of our kids are grown and can participate in some ceremony, etc.

 

[phathui5]

Quote:

I wish she'd just say wife (it would save others a lot of confussion and me a lot of -uncomfortable- explaining)

If you want to be called his wife, why not get married?