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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We are working on certification as foster to adopt parents.<br><br>
I have done a little looking at photlisting of wating children and there is a set of 3 sibs in our home state (not where we live now) that i am thinking about inquireing about.<br><br>
I know it is waaay early.<br><br>
anyway the three are<br><br>
Boy 2000, Girl 2003 and Girl 2005<br><br>
our boys are 2005 and 2007 ..<br><br>
so the birth order would be totally re-done, and the girl and our oldest boy would kinda of twin -- she would be 7 months older than him, and a grade ahead based on where birthday fall -- but since will home school at least for a while -- it will be more a question of ablity and readyness so they could be in the same grade or not.<br><br><br>
Theo is right now only 3 months past 3 .. so at this point we are not so worried about birth order, ie maintaining him as oldest.<br><br>
Obviously we can't decided based on our boys only -- how the 3 would feel about getting 2 younger sibs would be a big part of the decision too.<br><br>
thoughts?<br><br>
Aimee
 

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We've decided that birth order isnt a big consideration for us in adoption because we also are looking at the bigger sibling groups (probably 3-5 kids). Changing the birth order is going to happen when we adopt that many... there's not much way around it short of waiting 8 years or so to adopt. However, because they would not be the youngest, we're not considering children who have a history of sexual abuse or sexual acting out (or violent behavior that could be a danger to other kids in the home).<br>
We do feel like our bio dd will do well with it. From birth I had a home daycare and she dealt with sharing mommy with kids both older and younger than her for most of her waking hours. Then we started fostering a year and a half ago and she has done fine with foster siblings both older and younger than her. I know that issues and jealousy etc may come up later as they get older, but that is a challenge we are willing to face.
 

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that is pretty much how we feel since we want to adopt a sib group -- there is little way around disrupting birtho roder. if we wait that long Scott will be getting old. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> also ... really yo STILL disrupt birth order fro example if you adpta set of 3 sibs younger than your birth children and make that "oldest" now 3rd or 4th in age line ...<br><br>
Aimee
 

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I think when i first starting the adoption wait, i pretty well dismissed the idea that adopting out of birth order is always a bad thing (which is generally the advice you'll get "Dont do it! BAD idea!!"), my son was 9 when i started and i originally wanted a boy around 8-12 yo. Now i have a 12 yo and a one yr old baby. If i want a bunch of kids, i pretty much have to disrupt the baby's "birth order", because i dont know that i have it in me to adopt several more infants yknow? (If that is even an option!) And there is some wisdom, i think, in "keeping the baby the baby"...it might be *harder* on my baby to suddenly be displaced by an infant (who would need to be fed every couple of hours, who would need alot of in arms time, and who would most likely be cosleeping as well), as opposed to a child a bit older than him who (while of course having their own intense needs) might not need AS much total in arms attention that a newborn might.<br><br>
I recently was matched with a boy (i had to say no to him), after reading his assessment i discovered he had been sexually inappropriate with younger sibs in the past....i looked at my sweet baby who is completely healthy, typical, safe....and knew in my heart that i couldnt put him at risk like that. And now my 12 yr old is fairly adament he does not want an older sib and personally doesnt want any more sibs at all. So i'm not sure what i'm going to do, but my gut instinct is telling me to stick with younger kids, if not younger than my baby, within a few years older than him.<br><br>
So....i dont think there is any right answer....but i think you need to really think about all the issues involved. Know that whatever the child's actual age is, they may be at a much younger emotional age (so, you might expect an adopted five yr old to be similar to your five yr old developmentally, but they may act much more like a two or three yr old)...at the same time, they may have knowledge (about things you dont want your kids to know quite yet!) that is far beyond their years. They may have dysfunction within the sib group, with already established unhealthy interactions (is the oldest parentified? Is there sexual acting out or physical aggression within the group?), and you need to think about how that will impact the kids already in the home. Your younger/more vulnerable children could very well be hurt by the older children in the group.<br><br>
That being said, they could be typical kids who could fit very well in your family and everyone get along well and you not have very many issues. There is just no way to know. You might want to think about "worst case scenarios" and how you would feel about those if they occurred, and what plan of action you would take.<br><br>
I have found that because i now have a younger child at home, i am much more "picky" when looking at photolistings,much more concerned about what type of issues the child might have, than when i just had my older son.<br><br><br>
Katherine
 

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well i definitely think large sibling groups/ out of birth irder adoptions can work. you would just need to keep in mind that you need a whole cast to organize and care for a crew that size. you likely won't be able to let anyone under a *developmental* age of 7 or 8 out of your sight really ever in the first few years unless they are alone and in a completely child proofed space--think about windows, second floors, busy streets nearby that could be accessed if a child jumps out a window or whatever, etc. keep in mind you can't put bars on windows--it is a fire hazard. probably you will need several sitters for any one outing--some kids might need one on one babysitters. my oldest did. you might need to hire a mother's helper for the after school hours to help the primary caregiver until the working parent comes home.<br><br>
assume that each kid will be high needs once they get comfortable enough and feel safe enough to start expressing their inner states. assume you will be dealing with prenatal exposure to drugs/alcohol, hx of sexual and physical abuse, hx of neglect and resultant attachment issues, hx of multiple disrupted attachments due to moves in foster care, etc, from each child, and be open to the notion that there be be permanent developmental delays--you don't have to be attached to these ideas if the kids do not unfold to have all of these issues--just be open to the fact that this may well be the case.<br><br>
you really would need to replicate a facility-level of supervision/security to ensure everybody's safety. i know it was like this for years with my kids, and i only had a sib group of 2, and the oldest was only 5 when they came home.<br>
if i had 5 sibs i'd probably wire the house for sight and sound digitally to help me out.<br><br>
the other thing to look at would be: how would you feel if a child did act out against a younger child in a harmful way--would you be able to take responsibility for your role in it (not supervising in a line of sight capacity) and work towards creating safety without holding negativity towards the perpetrator? bc that will likely come up.<br><br>
another thing to consider is if you'd be able to cope if it turned out that one or more of the kids needed a different level of care than you were able to provide--that was a sticky one for me--i ended up being able to care for my oldest at home--but at times it was questionable how much longer i could adequately care for him and it just about ripped me apart trying to accept...<br><br>
it might sound like a lot--but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it! it really can work--i've known people who did it. if you feel called to this very unique type of family arrangement, and you have a lot of dedication, it is an amazing thing to do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>junipermoon</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13277970"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">well i definitely think large sibling groups/ out of birth irder adoptions can work. you would just need to keep in mind that you need a whole cast to organize and care for a crew that size. you likely won't be able to let anyone under a *developmental* age of 7 or 8 out of your sight really ever in the first few years unless they are alone and in a completely child proofed space--think about windows, second floors, busy streets nearby that could be accessed if a child jumps out a window or whatever, etc. keep in mind you can't put bars on windows--it is a fire hazard. probably you will need several sitters for any one outing--some kids might need one on one babysitters. my oldest did. you might need to hire a mother's helper for the after school hours to help the primary caregiver until the working parent comes home.<br><br>
assume that each kid will be high needs once they get comfortable enough and feel safe enough to start expressing their inner states. assume you will be dealing with prenatal exposure to drugs/alcohol, hx of sexual and physical abuse, hx of neglect and resultant attachment issues, hx of multiple disrupted attachments due to moves in foster care, etc, from each child, and be open to the notion that there be be permanent developmental delays--you don't have to be attached to these ideas if the kids do not unfold to have all of these issues--just be open to the fact that this may well be the case.<br><br>
you really would need to replicate a facility-level of supervision/security to ensure everybody's safety. i know it was like this for years with my kids, and i only had a sib group of 2, and the oldest was only 5 when they came home.<br>
if i had 5 sibs i'd probably wire the house for sight and sound digitally to help me out.<br><br>
the other thing to look at would be: how would you feel if a child did act out against a younger child in a harmful way--would you be able to take responsibility for your role in it (not supervising in a line of sight capacity) and work towards creating safety without holding negativity towards the perpetrator? bc that will likely come up.<br><br>
another thing to consider is if you'd be able to cope if it turned out that one or more of the kids needed a different level of care than you were able to provide--that was a sticky one for me--i ended up being able to care for my oldest at home--but at times it was questionable how much longer i could adequately care for him and it just about ripped me apart trying to accept...<br><br>
it might sound like a lot--but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it! it really can work--i've known people who did it. if you feel called to this very unique type of family arrangement, and you have a lot of dedication, it is an amazing thing to do.</div>
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that is an adsome post, well thought out adn full of good information.<br><br>
A lot to think about.<br><br>
we do feel called to adopt a sib set, now or in 2 or 3 years, we don't know.<br><br>
Obviously the health and safty of our two young boys is top concern, as is the questions of if being with us would be the best possible option for the sibs we would be adopting too.<br><br>
tubbie time here for a sick one but i will be ack, some of this is stuff i have thought about but it is always good to review and put it all togeher at once<br><br>
Aimee
 
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