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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I had, in the beginnings and latter part of my pregnancy, this bright shining vision of birth, that it was going to be intense, hard, long, and totally worth it. Thoughts of managing the pain w/o an epidural or medicine of any kind were at the forefront of my mind right up there with the internal picture I had of my daughter, gorgeous and beautiful.<br><br>
Than, as my pregnancy progressed into the latter months, my OB said the word "induction" and it was ringing and final to me. It was further set in stone when Akane had an NST and barely passed because her movement was so sluggish. Going to the hospital was surreal. I wanted to skip, I did. To stay home and just plug away for another week or so at inducing myself but I found I couldn't. The doctor had scared me into believing it was the right thing to do for Akane and that Akane's life and wellbeing were just too important for me to skip it.<br><br>
From there it was just sort of downhill and, in my own way, I hate myself for it. My body refused to dilate and I was given Pitocin to dilate me just enough to put a foley balloon in. When that did nothing, a quarter of a pill of Cytotec was administered and I felt my control slipping away. The resulting contractions were enough to make me beg for pain medicine. It wasn't natural or anything like I had envisioned and it made me hurt in all the wrong ways but it wasn't just physical, it was mental too. I'd already started mourning the loss of the birth that I wanted.<br><br>
Everything was made worse when my mother came on the 2nd day of induction. She brought such stress and frustration into that room. Insisting we change our daughter's name and that I kick out my daughter's godmother (my best friend besides my husband) or my husband so she could be there. I'd already told her that it wasn't going to happen but she refused to listen as always. She brought so much stress into that little labor room that I believe that it caused my labor to continue to be slow-going and lack any sort of real progression. She insisted that we change Akane's name, that I make one of the 2 people that *I* had chosen to attend my birth leave and than telling my best friend that she was worried about my temper with my baby and that if we didn't let her see Akane that she'd have her taken away from us. Of course she never said any of this to my face but behind my back where I couldn't know until I was told by my best friend.<br><br>
It makes me feel so horrid that my body betrayed me, stopping the dilation of my cervix in its tracks at 7 even after my waters were broken in order to speed things along. I'd lost every shred of the hope for a natural normal birth at that point. The doctors were going to do what they wanted. I could only rubber stamp it. What point was there in arguing? It wasn't like they were going to listen to what I wanted anyways. When the time came and they said that they needed to c-section me, my heart dropped. How could I have failed my daughter any more than that moment when I agreed to the surgery?<br><br>
I hate it so much. I'm forever scarred with my failure to get my body to go into labor smoothly and naturally. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter. She's the world to me. I would never ever take her back. The only thing I wish I could take back is how she came into the world. Instead of gently squeezed through my birth canal, she was taken from my abdomen which was sliced open to the world with brutal efficiency. I'm so very disappointed with myself, with my body, and the hospital in general.<br><br>
I know I shouldn't be upset, that I have this little girl but I can't help it. There's...a sense of wrongness that I was made to endure this for no reason that I can fathom. Sitting in that recovery room, I wept inside, waiting for my baby for over two and a half hours sitting on a gurney, my lower half slowly coming out of the spinal's numbing effects. Those were some of the worst hours of my life. My husband, my daughter, my best friend all removed from me right when I needed them most. I don't know whether to blame myself, or blame the hospital, or both. But I laid there like a good girl until I was wheeled into my recovery room where I finally was able to have my baby and see my husband, my best friend, and my inlaws as they trickled in.<br><br>
I know that I can't turn back the clock but I do wonder if I'll be able to give my next child the normal natural birth they deserve. The cascade of events just seems so...unfair, like I was being punished for some wrong or slight. I don't know. I'm just sort of rambling on at length. It's just a lot to deal with.
 

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It is a lot to deal with.<br><br>
You did what you believed was in the best interest of your child based on information that you were given. There is no shame in that. That is what parenting is all about. Sometimes we make the right decisions, sometimes we were dead wrong. But always, always out of love for our children.<br><br>
I'm sorry.
 

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I'm sure there are some mamas who will have lots of good advice and comfort for you.<br><br>
I just picked up on this:<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">It makes me feel so horrid that <b>my body betrayed me</b>, stopping the dilation of my cervix in its tracks at 7 even after my waters were broken in order to speed things along. I'd lost every shred of the hope for a natural normal birth at that point. The doctors were going to do what they wanted.</td>
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Your body didn't betray you. You were manipulated into accepting things that your body couldn't handle.<br><br>
Your body isn't bad. <i>You are not a failure</i>. You are not wrong to be upset, but you shouldn't be upset at yourself. If there's anyone you should be raging at, it's the doctors and they system that set you up for this. I know how very easy it is to be put in this situation, and it is only by the arrangement of circumstances that I myself didn't get induced. I know the pushing and threatening and scare-tactics can all be terrifying. If I hadn't had exactly the right support, at exactly the right time, I could very well have had a similar experience.<br><br><i>It is not your fault</i>.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>cappuccinosmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9917058"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Your body didn't betray you. You were manipulated into accepting things that your body couldn't handle.<br><br>
Your body isn't bad. <i>You are not a failure</i>. You are not wrong to be upset, but you shouldn't be upset at yourself. If there's anyone you should be raging at, it's the doctors and they system that set you up for this. I know how very easy it is to be put in this situation, and it is only by the arrangement of circumstances that I myself didn't get induced. I know the pushing and threatening and scare-tactics can all be terrifying. If I hadn't had exactly the right support, at exactly the right time, I could very well have had a similar experience.<br><br><i>It is not your fault</i>.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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ITA. have you gotten in touch with ICAN? i know my sil healed a lot with their meetings.<br><br>
rachel
 

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IMO, your body didn't fail you, the medical community did. Too many Drs are ordering c/s (or some other intervention) at the first sign of anything other than a super speedy labor and delivery. And you are absolutely right that the interventions *cascade* out of control, it never is just a little. I wish you emotional healing along with your physical healing.<br><br>
I'm 3 weeks past my second unplanned c/s myself, and while I am happy to have my sweet babe here, I have negative feelings about how she got here too. There is room for both joy and sorrow over the same event. Its ok to have a whole range of feelings after a traumatic birth. Its ok<br><br>
(((hugs)))
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>rachel_eva</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9917330"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">ITA. have you gotten in touch with ICAN? i know my sil healed a lot with their meetings.<br><br>
rachel</div>
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I got on their mailing list. Unfortunately, there are no groups here in Indy. The closest would be Illinois and well, I can't exactly hop a state over unfortunately. So the mailing list will just have to do, ya know?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> So sorry mama...I will repeat...your body did not fail you...your doctor failed you.<br><br>
You did the right thing with the information you were given. If you had not consented, you would have been forced anyway.<br><br>
Wishing you healing and peace.
 

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<i>You</i> were failed, not the other way around mama. I had a lot of those same feelings. You do have the right to be angry. It's not fair, not at all. I hope you find healing.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> What a rotten thing for you and your baby to go through!
 

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It has been said before but it doesn't hurt to say it again. You did not fail, you were failed by the medical community.<br>
I second ICAN, I have been on the list for years and even started a chapter (but then moved so it had to close) and am helping out with my current local chapter. Perhaps one day you will be able to start an ICAN chapter or a support group for women in your area. Trust me, there are a lot of women out there in the same boat.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you all so much for your sympathies and your understanding. Even two months later, I am still frustrated and angry. There is no one here in RL that I can talk to about it. (They're all "Doctor knows best" sorts or have never had a baby) It makes me glad to have a place where I can vent and be angry and start to heal from this. My experience has taught me not to trust the doctors again w/o some heavy research on my part. It's extended to me even questioning vaccines. (Which my MIL says is "playing doctor" and is not my place but that's another post in and of itself)<br><br>
Turtlewomyn: I'm now on the list and posted my intro late yesterday evening. Yahoo is just taking a bit to get responses and whatnot to my inbox. (Weird Yahoo)<br><br>
CappuccinosMom and MontanaMom: I'm still trying to separate my body fighting the medication given me (Pitocin, Cytotec, and Nubain) to augment the labor from a normal "failure to progress". At some point, I'm sure I will be able to say that in fact, it wasn't my body that failed me, but the doctors that I was surrounded with as a result of being a Medicaid mom that failed me. I'm just not at that point yet.
 

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I'm so sorry. You have every right to be angry as they failed you, not your body. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>KurumiSophia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9921170"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thank you all so much for your sympathies and your understanding. <b>Even two months later, I am still frustrated and angry.</b> There is no one here in RL that I can talk to about it. (They're all "Doctor knows best" sorts or have never had a baby) It makes me glad to have a place where I can vent and be angry and start to heal from this. My experience has taught me not to trust the doctors again w/o some heavy research on my part. It's extended to me even questioning vaccines. (Which my MIL says is "playing doctor" and is not my place but that's another post in and of itself)<br><br><b>Turtlewomyn: I'm now on the list and posted my intro late yesterday evening. Yahoo is just taking a bit to get responses and whatnot to my inbox. (Weird Yahoo)</b><br><br>
CappuccinosMom and MontanaMom: I'm still trying to separate my body fighting the medication given me (Pitocin, Cytotec, and Nubain) to augment the labor from a normal "failure to progress". At some point, I'm sure I will be able to say that in fact, it wasn't my body that failed me, but the doctors that I was surrounded with as a result of being a Medicaid mom that failed me. I'm just not at that point yet.</div>
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I am two years and two months later and I am still frustrated and angry. It will take some time, so don't get down on yourself if you think you should just "be over it." by now. It is a long journey. And yes, the people who pull the "just be happy you have a healthy baby stuff" don't get it, and they just make things worse. I sent this link to my mother:<br><a href="http://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/shouldbegrateful.htm" target="_blank">http://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/C...begrateful.htm</a><br>
It was written by an ICANer and it really is helpful at the beginning stages of this.<br><br>
I responded to you off-list to your ICAN post, it kind of got buried under all the other stuff that people are discussing (it is a high content list). It make take a little while for people to find your post, but I am sure they will.<br><br>
I just read in "Pushed" by Jennifer Blocker (I am reading parts of it again now) that Pitocin actually causes your natural oxytocin production to shut down. I did not know that. You will find that educating yourself takes a long time too, I have been basically working on my VBAC preparation since just after my DD was born (don't plan to TTC#2 until mid 2008)
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">OMG I am soooo sorry you went through this. Just know that even though a traumatic birth can affect attachment issues with baby (I had this pretty badly with #2 because of a bad birth experience too) that it does get better, and would strongly suggest getting a therapist, I found this invaluable. Because of the birth my PPD was horrid, so I would be a little worried for you, and I truly just mean this is a suportive way. Talk to best friend about this as much as you need to, as well as to your dh. Don't stop talking if that is what you need to do, cry if that is what you need to do...I would also ask around and see if anyone knows a great therapist. My favorite therapist was the one my best friend recommended...Post as much as you need, keep on nursing, that genuinely helps stay connected to baby.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm so sorry mama.<br><br>
I will say it again. Your body did not fail you. In fact, it was probably fighting the drugs because your baby wasn't ready to be born. It was doing what it was <i>supposed</i> to be doing.<br><br>
You were failed by your care providers. By the system. By the medical machine that birth has become.<br><br>
Here are a few threads you might find helpful:<br><a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=789858&highlight=trauma" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ghlight=trauma</a><br><a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=521074&highlight=trauma" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ghlight=trauma</a><br><br>
Your healing will take time, but it will come. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. They are not good or bad, they just ARE. Accept them, welcome them. They are signposts to your healing.<br><br>
Much love and light <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Also wanted to invite you to the disappointing or traumatic birth experiences tribe here at MDC:<br><br><a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=656215" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=656215</a>
 

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Just wanted to say that I had a VERY similar, if not exact first birth. It was horrible, and I blamed myself for so long. And after 2 months, no one could figure out why I was still so upset about the CS. 2 yrs later, I'm planning a VBAC homebirth in January. It's ok to grieve your lost vaginal birth. I remember so clearly being in your position.
 
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