[sweetlife]

My three year old son has just started using the word "f***" whenever he is playing and he wants to let another toy/doll know that he is angry. My guess is he overheard an adult say it when they were angry about something but I don't know who or in what context.

I am just ignoring it. Is that a good idea or should I say something?

Also my son has been playing at school and at home games around the bad man and the good man. When I ask him what does a bad man do - he says that they yell very loud. He likes to say when he is angry at someone "you bad man". Usually I say "you are angry at him/her but that does not make them bad" . Is there something more I could say or is this just him playing?

Thanks!!

 

[Ruthla]

It's a very hard concept at that age- that good people can do bad things. Then they think that THEY are bad when they do something innapropriate.

Keep on repeating it, and eventually (like in a few years) it will sink in.

As for the bad words, if simple ignoring it doesn't work, gently explain that it's a word that can hurt people's feelings, and you don't like to hear it.

 

[LynnS6]

I think ignoring it is the best thing right now. You might want to purposefully use some appropriate alternatives a bit louder than usual for the next few weeks. Drop some things and say "darn it!" or whatever comes naturally.

As for the bad guy - good guy -- that's something kids need to work out. It's a big concept. What makes someone bad? Can good people be bad? Can bad people be good? What happens when you break the rules? Playful Parenting by L. Cohen is a great book that has some sections on that. I highly recommend it.

 

[carmel23]

I would as suggested above, just say "oh gosh!" or "golly" really loud whenever it would be appropriate, he will probably switch words soon if he doesn't get a reaction...

My 3 year old son is highly verbal, and we were at peet's coffee one day when he was 2.5.. he was asking for a straw, and I was talking to my dh, trying to finish my sentence and then I hear this little voice say very loudly, "MAMA, GIVE ME THE F&^%#@! STRAW."

There was this really sweet elderly gentleman by us who quickly walked away... I had to turn away from my dh to not totally die of laughter--let alone look at my kids for a minute until I could regain my composure. ...

 

[mightymoo]

I've had some success with my DD in telling her I don't like certain words and asking her to say an alternative, giving her permission to tell me if she hears me say something like that. In the case I'm thinking of, DD was calling DS 'Stupid boy' which I think she picked up from a country song on the radio, anyway, she doesn't mean anything by it (not sure she knows what it means), but I've told her not to use that word and she'll offer some alternatives and I'll say those are fine and she'll switch. The problem is of course she says it so DS goes around the house saying 'stupid boy!' sigh.

 

[vermontgirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by carmel23 My 3 year old son is highly verbal, and we were at peet's coffee one day when he was 2.5.. he was asking for a straw, and I was talking to my dh, trying to finish my sentence and then I hear this little voice say very loudly, "MAMA, GIVE ME THE F&^%#@! STRAW." There was this really sweet elderly gentleman by us who quickly walked away... I had to turn away from my dh to not totally die of laughter--let alone look at my kids for a minute until I could regain my composure. ...

Wow. I have to admit that if I heard a child that young saying that word I would judge the parents harshly. I mean, what on earth are you doing using language like that around young children anyway? They are bound to say it themselves if you do. There are some words that I am ok with but the F bomb is offensive and gross.

 

[sweetlife]

Thanks everyone!! Those are some great suggestions - I will definitely try them out.

LynnS6 - I love the book Playful Parenting - I don't remember the section in the book that talks about it but I will have to look.

Thanks again!!

 

[ktbug]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vermontgirl Wow. I have to admit that if I heard a child that young saying that word I would judge the parents harshly. I mean, what on earth are you doing using language like that around young children anyway? They are bound to say it themselves if you do. There are some words that I am ok with but the F bomb is offensive and gross.

Boy, that's helpful.

:

The F bomb may be offensive and gross in your house, but in some people's houses it's just a word. It's in the common vernacular, whether some like it or not, and children of all stripes are bound to be exposed to it at some point. So do you act like it's all evil and taboo, making them more curious (and consequently more powerful when they do hear it and repeat it)? Giving a word such power is only bound to make the child want to use it more, for shock value.

Oh, I should shut up ... anyway, OP ...

Ignoring it and replacing it with another, less socially offensive expletive like shoot, darn, heck, fudge, whatever - you should have some luck with that. You could even make a game of it - drop stuff on the floor, then exclaim, "Oh, hamburgers!!" or whatever. Try it a few times and see what makes them laugh.

 

[Nature]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ktbug The F bomb may be offensive and gross in your house, but in some people's houses it's just a word. It's in the common vernacular, whether some like it or not, and children of all stripes are bound to be exposed to it at some point. So do you act like it's all evil and taboo, making them more curious (and consequently more powerful when they do hear it and repeat it)? Giving a word such power is only bound to make the child want to use it more, for shock value.

:

Its just a word to us as well. My approach has always been to simply ignore it. Its worked well. My 9 year old doesn't swear at all, and my almost 4 year old has only had a few times of "repeating" but its never been a problem for us.

A young child swearing wouldn't be anything for me to judge about. They are in that learning stage where they are learning appropriate and not appropriate. Where they test limits, and learn how society is. Now a 10 year old cursing up a storm? Maybe then I'd think the parents simply haven't done a very good job in some areas like being polite and knowing your audience.... but again, I know that my lifestyle isn't everyones. Maybe they're okay with their child swearing, and if so.. thats their choice.

Honestly? I've got to be doing something right here, because dh and I both swear quite a bit. The really offensive words we don't say.. (but the F bomb isn't one of those to us) and still our children don't swear. Why? Because its never been a forbidden.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ktbug Ignoring it and replacing it with another, less socially offensive expletive like shoot, darn, heck, fudge, whatever - you should have some luck with that. You could even make a game of it - drop stuff on the floor, then exclaim, "Oh, hamburgers!!" or whatever. Try it a few times and see what makes them laugh.

Good suggestion. This is what I've done with my children and it works very well. As soon as I stuck a replacement in, they used it instead. Just ignore it OP and switch and bait when you can.

 

[vermontgirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ktbug Boy, that's helpful. : It's in the common vernacular, whether some like it or not, and children of all stripes are bound to be exposed to it at some point. So do you act like it's all evil and taboo, making them more curious (and consequently more powerful when they do hear it and repeat it)? Giving a word such power is only bound to make the child want to use it more, for shock value.

I agree, I am not planning on acting like its evil or taboo, but I still dont have to use it! If a 2 1/2 year old is saying the F word that means that people around him/her are using it too often. Maybe it is "just a word" for some folks but it is still important to help our children to be respectful to others. Many MANY people dislike that word and some are deeply offended by it.

 

[sweetlife]

Okay - now he is saying "you bad man" to me all the time and it is driving me crazy. I tell him that if he wants to play with me and I should be the bad man that is okay but I do not like to be called a bad man it hurts my feelings. When now it seems like he is doing it all the time.

What do I do?

 

[Magella]

For words I don't like ("stupid" has been one around here) I find it most effective to translate (give them other words for their feelings) and to simply say "I don't like to hear you call people 'stupid,' it isn't respectful." I think kids use these words to express their feelings, when they don't have another way to express themselves, so I can say "You sound angry, what's up?...oh, you wanted this and that happened..." and in doing this just model more effective, less offensive ways of expressing feelings. In fact I tend to go more with translating/modeling than with "I don't like that" b/c it helps them learn more. And it's important to remember that it takes time.

I agree with with the suggestion to read Playful Parenting, there are some great ideas in there for dealing with good guy/bad guy play. There are also some great ideas in there for dealing with name calling. I wish I could remember more specifics, but I can't at the moment. (I think that one was along the lines of saying "you can call me [x], but whatever you do don't call me pickle!"-a good way to defuse things in the moment, and you can always talk about name-calling later at a more calm time.)

I find that getting very upset about it, and especially saying things like "it hurts my feelings" and "I won't play with you if you talk like that" gives it way too much power. That only exacerbates the problem, IME. Remember that he's still very much learning to express his feelings and learning how his words and actions affect others, and this will pass.

 

[attachedmamaof3]

When my oldest was that age, he got stuck on f--- too...I told him he could say f----all he wanted, but he REALLY shouldn't say crocodile...or even *whispering and looking around furtively* SKUNK...noooooo...one should never ever say SKUNK that's the worst word ever, especially since skunks stink soooo bad and spray people with their stink....oh, my *gasp*....I walked away.

That afternoon in the grocery store, my toddler gleefully yelled SKUNK at the top of his lungs repeatedly. I gasped appropriately, he giggled and twitched and all were happy!

Good luck!

 

[sweetlife]

Those are great suggestions!!! Now I can't wait for him to call me "you bad man" so I can try them out. I will let you know how it goes...

Thanks again!

 

[AbbieB]

Quote:

Originally Posted by attachedmamaof3 When my oldest was that age, he got stuck on f--- too...I told him he could say f----all he wanted, but he REALLY shouldn't say crocodile...or even *whispering and looking around furtively* SKUNK...noooooo...one should never ever say SKUNK that's the worst word ever, especially since skunks stink soooo bad and spray people with their stink....oh, my *gasp*....I walked away. That afternoon in the grocery store, my toddler gleefully yelled SKUNK at the top of his lungs repeatedly. I gasped appropriately, he giggled and twitched and all were happy! Good luck!

Awesome idea!

I agree with other posters that ignoring is he way to go. Don't give the word power and it will go away. The hardest part for me is not to laugh (at least where DD can see me!)

An example of how we deal with cursing at our house:
Just last week DD was coloring at the desk while I was working on the computer. She was singing a made up song that eventually became "a$$hole, a$$hole" repeated over and over. After getting control of my self I just looked over at her. I really think she was oblivious as to what she was doing and that I was there. When she looked up at me she realized what she was doing and got really sheepish. I just casually mentioned that it was not a word we should repeat. She asked if she could finish her song. I said OK and she said it just on last time and moved on. No big deal and no power struggle.

 

[ShadowMom]

In my house, it is okay to curse occasionally but it is not OK to insult people or curse AT them. And it is also ok to curse in private but not in front of mixed company.

My DS recently started saying "shut up! Just shut up!" if I was saying something he didn't like. I believe he got this from "Toy Story" the movie which he watches at the ex's house. My response would be (with appropriate facial expression), "Sweetie, that is a very rude thing to say. Is there another way you can say it? Can you say, 'Mama, would you not say that' or 'Mama, please don't do that'?

As far as "you bad man" I have heard of children that age exploring the concept of being "bad" a lot and people being "bad". It might be fun to turn it into a teaching game. You could say (in exaggerated tone of voice), "Oh my gosh! Am I bad? Should you shake your finger at me like this?" or something along those lines and sort of turn it into a game of exploring what bad means and if people are really bad.

I would argue that to most people, if the act is evil enough we DO consider the person to be "bad". So what is wrong with a child picking up on that concept and trying to explore it? I think that's all it is.

 

[lizabird]

My ds, 3.5 yrs, is also very experimental with words expressing frustration. He has used a few choice words that I have said once in an angry vent, and then quickly tried to cover up, but I guess my choice words had a pretty strong impressoin because a few weeks later, I heard them again, from ds, in a moment of intense frustration. Yes, it was pretty shocking.
At first I tried ignoring an occasional inappropriate word from ds, but he keeps saying them, so I have now chosen a few kid-friendly-frustration-words that I try to consistently use when I feel the urge to say something really strongly. (the other day, ds was mad and said "dang, gosh, darn!" Ok, I can live with that

)
Then the other day, dh and I were talking about this exact situation and we decided that next time either of us got really fruatrated, we would do a funny dance, wave our arms around, and say a bunch of nonsense "buggety, biggity, boo!" or something like that and just act so rediculously goofy that no one could possibly stay mad. That has worked a few times too, making everyone laugh rather than stay frustrated.

 

[sweetlife]

SO just to give everyone an upate now my son is saying "skunk" a lot. Sorry I took your word but I could not think of another one.

He does love to do whatever I realize I say "no" to. So now that I am making a big deal of "skunk" and now he loves to say it. There was a f### thrown in once and lots of "you bad man" but much less than before.

Since that worked so well I am wondering is there a way to do the same thing for hitting me or my dh? He usually does it when he is getting frustrated. Is there a way to playfully replace it with something else?

Thanks again!!!

 

[attachedmamaof3]

Hey, whatever works!! Glad that "SKUNK!!!" worked for ya!

As far as the hitting....we really didn't have to deal with that one too much...but we did put a lot of emphasis in verbalizing their feelings. With my oldest (yes, skunk boy) we let him have a lot of fun saying I FEEL MAD or I DON'T LIKE THAT...kind of the same way we did the skunk. With my middle (now 2.5 yrs old) I say "Uh oh DS#2, no hitting. If you're upset use your words." Say "I don't like that DS#1, please stop." Stuff like that.

Also, it helped us to be "proactive"...DS#1 and I made up an arch-nemisis and named it Rowdy. When I could see DS getting overwhelmed or ready to throw a fit or whatever I would tell him that I could see Rowdy sneaking up on him. "Don't let Rowdy get you!!" We did all kinds of things with Rowdy. Threw him in the trash, shut doors on him to keep him out...that kind of thing. So if (for example) you can see your DS wanting to hit or getting ready, head it off by "playing Rowdy" and giving him an out. Don't let Rowdy hit!! Rowdy's sneaking up on you and is trying to make you hit...run run don't let Rowdy get you.....now tell Mama what was frustrating you. Let's practice using your words...that kind of thing.

Did that make ANY sense or was I just [email protected]?!

 

[wemoon]

In my family, swear words are words that are used, but only when appropriate and usually it is not tolerated if a child uses them. My kids know swear words and I let them know that while occasional use won't upset me, that those words are really words that adults use and that they could get into a lot of trouble at school etc if they use those words. They get it, they understand, and they hardly ever use swear words.