Mothering Forum banner
1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,482 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My MIL and DH and BIL among other members of that side of the family are determined to teach DS (20 months) "thumbs down" and "thumbs up". But for some reason, they get more of a kick out of "thumbs down"
(everyone except DH).

Evidently, one of DH's uncles taught him this when he was young and they all got a kick out of it, so...... They take DS's little thumb and work real hard on getting him to do this, particularly, again, the "thumbs down" (WHY OH WHY is the negative so much more appealing to our society today
).

DH doesn't subscribe to what I guess I can refer to as "the negative impact" theory. He thinks "stuff like that" is a bunch of.... He also feels that he was spanked, with a belt, switch, etc and he came out okay


Well, I was physically, mentally, emotionally abused and I came out okay to
:

Anywho, I am torn on this "thumbs down". I suppose there is no harm in this being a non verbal way for DS to let me/us know he doesn't like or want to do something, especially since he hasn't chosen to verbalize in this way (other than scream or a tantrum
).

BUT --- I DO NOT WANT this to ever be used towards him as a way of anyone telling him they do not approve of him or something he just did.

Unfortunately, I have been off of the Positive Discipline track and they respond to that -- i.e. me telling DS he can't go out and play until he eats, etc... They tell him they will give his food to the dog and cat and I tell them, threatening him with that is not an option. But, I in turn have threatened with not going out to play
. I guess I am confusing them as I am learning and this is making my strides with them SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT!

Since this side of the family acts like I am from Mars when I talk about this stuff, how do I get this -- No thumbs down in relation to his actions --across?

I am really eager to hear your input on this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,246 Posts
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, if he isn't verbal yet, being able to say whether he likes or doesn't like something could be useful. On the other hand, I'm uncomfortable with their reason for teaching him this. It should be a communicative tool, not a trained trick. Also, if he hasn't started yet, he'll be saying, "no" constantly in a little bit. Once they've trained him to do the thumbs down, how will the respond to his constant NOs? It sounds like they like the idea of having him do a thumbs down when they think it's funny, but they might not have much patience when he displays displeasure himself. That sets him up in some weird mind game place.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,482 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Oh yeah - FORGOT to mention >>> We are in the South = Mind games and GUILT trips! (Oh, and trained tricks too!) Southern women were/are prodominately raised with guilt and mind games, in turn they pass it along, using it on the males. I was born and raised in the South, and now again live in the South, so I say this with great experience and insight. Anywho....

MIL has made it quite clear to me, and even DH on ocassion, that she is going to do what she wants when she wants. So, I am trying to find a way to make this work, but eliminate what I am TOTALLY against > doing this in relations to his actions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
hm...well...you're the mother...and you can just tell your MIL that if she insists on doing what she wants when she wants to that you'll let her see your DS when YOU want and where YOU want. if she can't respect your wishes, she doesn't get to see your kid. plain and simple to me. sure you don't want to keep family members out of his life, but what good are they doing if they refuse to respect the way you'd like your son to be treated? she sounds like an annoying ninny to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,482 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by michelemiller
hm...well...you're the mother...and you can just tell your MIL that if she insists on doing what she wants when she wants to that you'll let her see your DS when YOU want and where YOU want. if she can't respect your wishes, she doesn't get to see your kid. plain and simple to me. sure you don't want to keep family members out of his life, but what good are they doing if they refuse to respect the way you'd like your son to be treated? she sounds like an annoying ninny to me.

As much as I agree with this, it is not an option as DH would not support it. His general attitude is "that is just the way Grandmothers are, mine was".

He supports me in telling her to stop stuff that she won't stop when I ask her to. Unfortunately this has lasting repercussions on him and in turn on us, but he does it. For the most part we, in the end, both pay dearly.

Too, there is the fact that there are many other family memers that are working on this "thumb" thing. People we do not see regularly, but when we do...

I am going to have to have the babe early here in a few weeks, probably c-section. This means longer recovery time, etc. Too, this means lots of that side of the family being around. So, again, I need to find a way to say - "thumbs down" to bumbing my knee, or something like that is okay. But, "thumbs down" when you are not happy with what he is doing or has done is not okay! I just need a way to relay that this negative reinforcement in relation to his actions is not acceptable. They cannot seem to discern the difference.
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top