[Jess_n'_the_bean]

Okay, so I know lots of people don't believe in time-outs - which is fine by me - I am not sure where I stand on them either, especially for toddlers.

HOWEVER our dd is 23 months and has really started to test the limits by disobeying and/or doing things she KNOwS she isn't supposed to. I get the sly, sideways smile as she pulls the leaves off the houseplants, for example. When I ask her if it is okay to do 'X', she will say 'NO' very seriously.. . she 'gets it'.

I know that developmentally, it is her job to test limits and start to separate from us, exert her will etc. I am fine with that, although there will always be things she isn't allowed to do, primarily for safety, but also because part of life is learning about limits.

She knows and can follow the rules at daycare. I know it's safe for her to rebel with mom and dad - no problem. They do use timeouts at daycare with her age group, although she has never had to go into timeout there (or at home) so I don't think she knows what it is yet. In a way it would be nice to be consistent at home with the discipline they are using at school.

DH and I are pretty good at calmly redirecting her, being consistent, etc. My question is - for those mamas that DO believe in timeouts for toddlers, when did you start (or when are you planning to start)?
and - Do you have any tips for introducing it as a technique when the usual verbal and physical redirection are not working?

Still trying to decide where we stand on this one and hoping for some perspective. Thanks.

 

[2andcounting]

In our house, we have a disclipline routine that goes like this:

1st offense: warning (no, we dont pull hair)
2nd offense: warning of time out (no pulling hair! If you pull your sisters hair again, you will get a time out)
3rd offense: time out

time out: 30-60 seconds per year of age, in a special time out chair. when in time out, no interaction or stimulation. After time out, they are explained about why what they did was wrong, reaffirmed, and forgiven.

We start time outs when the behavior warrants it. I recently started doing time outs for our 17mo baby because of biting and hair pulling. To teach her to sit in the chair, I usually have to sit next to her and hold her down by the pant loops (minimal eye contact and talk while in time out).

My older daughter (2.5) is really good now.... just a warning of time out will usually put her back on the straight and narrow. A few times when she was younger, she would actually put herself in time out when she was being naughy!

 

[azmomtoone]

We do some (very limited) time-outs. Start by trying to eliminate arbitrary rules (the "cause I said so, that's why" ones), it helped us a lot to not have to tell DS no about so much, letting them have more freedom to do what they like will lead to less battles altogether. We still have some steadfast rules that do warrant punishment IMO (not hitting the dog for example); I don't do 1 min, 2 min (I've seen recommended 1 min per year of age, DS just turned two on Sunday); he doesn't need near that long, as soon as I put him on the couch he knows he's in trouble and starts crying so I don't want to leave him there crying the whole time. *we did start with one minute but it just seemed cruel to me. So no time limit, just whatever "feels right"; (sometimes however long it takes for me be calm / not irrationally angry again, after the 237th time today that I've told him not to hit the dog, for example) Then lots of hugs, kisses, cuddles when it's over and we explain what the rule is & why, and make sure to tell him we still love him even when we're angry with him, we just don't like what he's done.

 

[RedOakMomma]

We started time outs around 2 years old, and they're a very peaceful way of establishing order in our house. My almost three-year-old now knows to go to the time out room (our entryway), close the door, and wait for me.

We usually give a warning before, or a choice "ds3, you can stop breaking those or you can have a time out, which one do you choose?". With hitting or hurting his little sister, though, we've progressed to a zero-tolerance policy.

If he pushes, hits, or hurts her purposely, he gets an immediate time out. It's helping.

I'd say he gets about one time out a day, sometimes more. They're usually 1-2 minutes, and after them we talk about the time out, why he got it, and he has to apologize to the person he hurt, or help clean up the mess he made.

If we had a less crazy household (three kids), I probably wouldn't use them as much, but I think they work for us. He certainly responds to them, and using them has the added bonus of keeping ME calm. I do a lot less yelling, feel a lot less stressed, and the days go more smoothly.

 

[LoveOhm]

My suggestion would be a positive time out! Even though the author, Jane Nelsen, suggest them for children 2.5 & up, I have seen the same techniques applied to young toddlers as well! If I go the time out route that would be my first step --- then lead to the more punitive time outs if absolutely needed. You can read more about the concept & book "Positive Time Out" here: http://www.positivediscipline.com/ar...veTimeOut.html

Personally, my daughter just turned two & we have been successfully following the tools listed in "Playful Parenting" ---- he suggest "play" as the solution to most limit testing (as well as the solution to almost everything else)! With regard to time outs the author suggest a "meeting on the couch" over the traditional time out which is what we are doing currently in our home! The other key for me is making sure both my daughter & I have gotten the sleep & nutrition we need.

I recommend Positive Time Out over Playful Parenting only because it is more reader friendly, has a menu of solutions directly tied to discipline and seems a bit easier to apply right away.

 

[Shera971]

I've been using time outs since DS was about 18 months. Mostly because we have a large dog that we adopted a few years ago which I suspect was abused by previous owners. He is patient and tolerant with DS but he does have his limits. I wanted my son to learn very early the rules with the dog - no hitting, pulling fur/ears/tail, crawling on him, stay away from food dishes and bed especially. We use it for other things as well but that was the driving factor. When we first started I would put him in a quiet place (end of the hall actually) that doesn't have any toys or other fun things and tell him he had to stay there until he was ready to come out and apologize. He usually took a minute or two to collect himself then say "ready!" We would then quickly discuss and hugs all round.

Now that he is three I give him timed time outs. Usually about 2-3 minutes so he can think about his behaviour. At the end again, quick discussion and hugs.

Funny thing was we were at a restaurant recently and he was not behaving himself (climbing under the table etc). Anyways I gave him my warning that he wasn't using his manners and that the next time I had to speak to him about it he would have to have a time out. He looked around the restaurant and said slyly "where you going to put me mommy?" Fighting back a smile I answered "don't you worry, I'll find a spot". I think he was shocked!

I know I am a lot more strict and authoritarian than other mothers on this board so you can take what I say with a grain of salt but time outs work wonderful in our family.

 

[Masel]

I've used time out very sparingly. They have been for hurting a person or animal. I suppose this could be extended to houseplants. Being hit in anger gets my Irish up so I tend to need a time out too. The chair we use is at the center of the house so it isn't like she is stuck in a corner.

 

[leanbh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Masel Being hit in anger gets my Irish up so I tend to need a time out too.

maybe i'm being a little overly sensitive, but i didn't want to let it stew that the use of irish in this statement really bothered me.

on the time-out side of things... i think if you're going to use time outs, adults should get them too. that way it truly is about discipline and learning and not just control. we like an atmosphere of equality. if mommy needs a time out, mommy gets a time out. our behavior as parents is not immune to the learning and teaching process.

 

[Shera971]

I would agree that parents are not immune to learning/teaching and of course making mistakes (of which I've made many). If I need time to 'cool off' I definitely take it, if I think I've made a mistake I apologize. Sometimes my son will say something that will make me re-evaluate my thoughts on a situation. However, I respectively disagree in regards to an atmoshphere of equality. In our house everyone's feelings are important but there is a definite hierarchy: parents then child.

 

[angie7]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2andcounting In our house, we have a disclipline routine that goes like this: 1st offense: warning (no, we dont pull hair) 2nd offense: warning of time out (no pulling hair! If you pull your sisters hair again, you will get a time out) 3rd offense: time out time out: 30-60 seconds per year of age, in a special time out chair. when in time out, no interaction or stimulation. After time out, they are explained about why what they did was wrong, reaffirmed, and forgiven.

This is similiar to what we use, except we do 1 min per year of age, and after the time out is over, we explain what they did wrong, and ask them to give whoever they hurt for a hug and to say "sorry". If they were put in time out for throwing a toy into the wall after the warning, we still ask for a hug and say "sorry". We have been using time outs since they were 15 months old. I do believe that time outs are overly used by a lot of people. Mine only get them for serious offenses. I do try to redirect, etc. Time outs are a last resort in this house.

 

[grniys]

My ds gets time outs. The first two days of them I felt like he was constantly in time out... but he started to understand that hey, this is wrong... so now he rarely needs a time out.

Things that cause an immediate time out for us are hitting or biting. Partly because if he's mad and smacks my face and knocks my glasses off I need a minute or two to cool down.

I also try redirection and other things, but my ds can be very, very willful. When all else fails, the time outs help.

 

[crunchymamatobe]

We kind of do time outs but don't call them that... We just remove DS from whatever is getting him into trouble and take him to sit on the sofa, calling it a "break from X." We usually just sit and hold him until he calms down and then we can run off to play with something else.

I also try to demonstrate "time out" for myself if I get frustrated, saying "Mama needs a break" and going to sit quietly on my bed or on the sofa.

 

[Turkish Kate]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveOhm My suggestion would be a positive time out! Even though the author, Jane Nelsen, suggest them for children 2.5 & up, I have seen the same techniques applied to young toddlers as well! If I go the time out route that would be my first step --- then lead to the more punitive time outs if absolutely needed. You can read more about the concept & book "Positive Time Out" here: http://www.positivediscipline.com/ar...veTimeOut.html Personally, my daughter just turned two & we have been successfully following the tools listed in "Playful Parenting" ---- he suggest "play" as the solution to most limit testing (as well as the solution to almost everything else)! With regard to time outs the author suggest a "meeting on the couch" over the traditional time out which is what we are doing currently in our home! The other key for me is making sure both my daughter & I have gotten the sleep & nutrition we need. I recommend Positive Time Out over Playful Parenting only because it is more reader friendly, has a menu of solutions directly tied to discipline and seems a bit easier to apply right away.

: Toddlers test limits to make sure that you will be there for them and that you will love them no matter what weird behaviors they try. Giving a time out is a sentence of solitary confinement when what they really want is your attention. Give it to them and see what a difference it makes!

 

[Masel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by leanbh maybe i'm being a little overly sensitive, but i didn't want to let it stew that the use of irish in this statement really bothered me.

I really did try to find another phrasing that didn't take another 4 sentences and another half hour out of my day. I am of Irish descent with red hair, pale skin and freckles. My cheeks flare up when I'm mad. It rather fits me.

I do apologize for bothering you.

 

[leanbh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Masel I really did try to find another phrasing that didn't take another 4 sentences and another half hour out of my day. I am of Irish descent with red hair, pale skin and freckles. My cheeks flare up when I'm mad. It rather fits me. I do apologize for bothering you.

apology accepted. i just get annoyed when the irish are characterized for their tempers since i'm married to the most gentle and patient irish man.

 

[slsurface]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrunchyMamaToBe I also try to demonstrate "time out" for myself if I get frustrated, saying "Mama needs a break" and going to sit quietly on my bed or on the sofa.

I do this too.

 

[slsurface]

We don't really call it time-out, but sometimes my DS gets very worked up and overly physical, which leads to him hurting someone/thing or himself (he is very spirited). So we have "cool off" time where DS "calms his body". DS usually gets several warnings, similar to what 2andcounting described. Another strategy that I use after several warnings is counting 1...2...3...to give him time to calm down and "check" his behavior. If he doesn't correct it, then the next step is to move to a "time-out". But usually he stops before I get to number 3. For the time-out, I usually have him sit on the rug in the dinning room or on the floor of whatever room I'm in. I don't actually look at the clock, but I don't make him sit more than 30-60 seconds. Time-outs don't occur often, maybe only once or twice a week.

I know that some do time-outs by holding their child. As I described in this thread (http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...1004354&page=2), this doesn't work with my DS. I wrote: "Time out in mama's arms would never work in my house. Ds is never in "solitary confinement" - he is only a few feet away from me and is completely supervised. When DS gets himself worked up, he has to cool down on his own terms. If I held him he would only get more upset and start hitting, biting, and kicking. I think that spirited children do not respond the same way as other kids...my DS legitimately needs "alone" time to calm his body and regroup. It is not punishment, just a strategy for him to learn how to control behavior himself and cope with over-stimulation. I always hug him and hold him after he's calmed down."

HTH and good luck mama!

 

[phathui5]

Quote:

1st offense: warning (no, we dont pull hair) 2nd offense: warning of time out (no pulling hair! If you pull your sisters hair again, you will get a time out) 3rd offense: time out

I would not be comfortable with no consequence being applied until the third offense occured. We are very clear with our children that hurting people is unacceptable, so when it does happen, there's no warning, they go in time-out right away.

When my kids were younger, I was all about time-out being a positive experience for them to pull themselves together. Now that they're older, I have to say that I'm ok with "solitary confinement" for hurting other people.

 

[AlbertaJes]

We do time outs. If she's deliberately doing something that is not okay or that is harmful, then I make her sit in a corner or along an empty wall close to me. She doesn't feel abandoned, but she knows that it's not okay. And now that she's getting older, if she's just tired and needs a bit of a rest, I send her to sit on her bed with a book. It lets both of us have a break and refocus and she's recently started telling me that she needs to go sit in her bed if she's having a hard time with something.

 

[pandora665]

I use time-out (kind of), in that we go to a different room together, away from the chaos, and talk somewhat sternly about appropriate behavior. It is only used for hitting/hurting (immediate) or if she's purposefully disobeying everything I say for a stretch.

My family used time-outs for me (No set limit of time - I could come back when I could behave), and I always felt like I had to pretend to feel better sooner than I was ready just to be allowed back in the fold. I don't want that for my DD. Therefore, time-ins with mama or dad, so you're not feeling lonely and sulky. Works for us for now. I have to do it about 1 x/ every other week, typically if chaos has ruled our house for a few days in a row - we also will reevaluate our family's priorities at that time.

Good luck!