Mothering Forum banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
721 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>Little bit venty... I've felt like I have been doing so well really staying on top of house/home stuff, but last night dh and I had a big fight and while we've sort of made up, I feel so sad today. It's all I can do to get down on the floor and play with ds, who is chipper as usual. Organizing and cleaning seem completely unimportant. I don't feel very useful or like I'm accomplishing anything. I'm starting a job fairly soon, which I'm looking forward to a LOT, but I'm also afraid that the entire load of cleaning, cooking, and baby care will stay on me. I'll be working far fewer hours than dh and he's made it clear he does not feel able to do any housework on top of his work hours (which are truly a ton). So I'll just have a job and still have all this crap to do at home. I feel like a janitor. Dh feels unappreciated too, it turns out. So we're both unhappy. Yay for our poor kid.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Marriage is hard. Or, this marriage is hard. I don't know if we are having an unusually hard time. </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,475 Posts
<p>with your new job could you possibly have someone in once in awhile to help around the house?</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,111 Posts
<p>FWIW, I think all marriages are hard.  I don't know anyone who hasn't gone through a phase where both parents feel exhausted and under-appreciated.  Dh and I certainly have.  Many, many times.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The only thing that worked for us was to really change the way *I* was behaving toward dh.  We talked about it a lot and what each of us needed/wanted.  It took a concerted effort on both parts to be kind and affectionate.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Totally worth it though.  Having a good marriage makes all the rest of the crap easier to deal with.  <br>
 </p>
<p>Also, take time to cuddle and reconnect every day.  Even if it means that the laundry doesn't get done.  Cliche as it sounds, date nights saved us.  For us, the feeling of being unappreciated came from just plain disconnect in our relationship.  </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
813 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>june'smom</strong> <a href="/community/t/1344448/tired-and-sad#post_16866356"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><p>FWIW, I think all marriages are hard.  I don't know anyone who hasn't gone through a phase where both parents feel exhausted and under-appreciated.  Dh and I certainly have.  Many, many times.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The only thing that worked for us was to really change the way *I* was behaving toward dh.  We talked about it a lot and what each of us needed/wanted.  It took a concerted effort on both parts to be kind and affectionate.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Totally worth it though.  Having a good marriage makes all the rest of the crap easier to deal with.  <br>
 </p>
<p>Also, take time to cuddle and reconnect every day.  Even if it means that the laundry doesn't get done.  Cliche as it sounds, date nights saved us.  For us, the feeling of being unappreciated came from just plain disconnect in our relationship.  </p>
</div>
</div>
<p><span><img alt="yeahthat.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1328639559049_163" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/yeahthat.gif"> Feeling unappreciated is usually a sign of disconnect for us, too. Talking about it right away has been a huge help for us. That way DH knows I'm feeling unappreciated and he knows that I need some extra lovin'. A few more hugs, a couple nice words, a diaper changed so I don't have to etc. Same on the flip side, then I know I need to hug him more, rub his head for a few minutes, and be more open than I usually am to an evening romp.</span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>The early childhood years are pretty hard for marriages. The young child takes up a lot of attention and for many families, there's a more or less constant state of change. The kid grows rapidly and needs different things, often this is when families grow and add more children, parents are often growing in their job--there is a lot happening. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Also, how much of what you are feeling is guilt about what you feel you aren't accomplishing? For me, the more I feel bad I didn't get something done, once I do it I want it noticed and if it isn't noticed, I feel far worse. So I've gotten into the habit of fishing for compliments I want. For example, earlier this month I ran the self clean on our oven and spend a few hours really scrubbing that thing down. It sparkled. I've put off cleaning the dang thing for months because it intimadated me. So as soon as DH got home and the welcome home ritual was done (kids running and screaming, hugs, kisses etc), I pulled him over and showed him Vanna White style. <img alt="lol.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1328639559049_301" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/lol.gif"> He ohhh-ed and ahhh-ed and everyone was happy. But if I didn't do that, he'd never have said anything even after noticing. It just wouldn't cross his mind that he needed to and I've felt bad that no one cared how much I worked. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I also recommend the book Five Languages of Love. Its a quick and easy read and very simple. Once I figured out what DH and my "love languages were, it was easy to throw it into our daily life. For example, DH's love language is physical touch. So I make sure I kiss him several times a day, rub his arm as I pass, snuggle with him before we fall asleep. Simple simple changes that have made a huge difference in our relationship. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
466 Posts
<p>One of the things my husband and I have started doing when we can manage it is, when tempted to snap at the other, stop, hold off, and say "Oh I am so exhausted." Because usually that's really the problem. And that's less likely to make the other of us get defensive. So then if we can, we can be extra supportive (taking the babies so the other can take a nap) or if we can't, we can feel more like we're in this exhaustion together. Because sometimes it's better to save the discussions for when we're not seething and feeling unappreciated.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,143 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>3xMama</strong> <a href="/community/t/1344448/tired-and-sad#post_16867049"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><p> </p>
<p>Also, how much of what you are feeling is guilt about what you feel you aren't accomplishing? For me, the more I feel bad I didn't get something done, once I do it I want it noticed and if it isn't noticed, I feel far worse. So I've gotten into the habit of fishing for compliments I want. For example, earlier this month I ran the self clean on our oven and spend a few hours really scrubbing that thing down. It sparkled. I've put off cleaning the dang thing for months because it intimadated me. So as soon as DH got home and the welcome home ritual was done (kids running and screaming, hugs, kisses etc), I pulled him over and showed him Vanna White style. <img alt="lol.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1328639559049_301" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/lol.gif"> He ohhh-ed and ahhh-ed and everyone was happy. But if I didn't do that, he'd never have said anything even after noticing. It just wouldn't cross his mind that he needed to and I've felt bad that no one cared how much I worked. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
I do this all the time. I quite enjoy house work but I need someone to admire it afterwards <img alt="lol.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1328663712244_164" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/lol.gif"> Sometimes I will just lead him around and say "look how good ________ looks now" and occasionally I will text him something like "You will make your wife very happy if you notice _________ when you get home." I must say DH is very good at being appreciative which really helps me feel good about the things I do.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>We also try to thank each other for the little things, even if it is the other person's "job". DH usually takes the bins out each week but I try to remember to thank him each time. I also thank him for going out to work for our family and he thanks me for staying at home and caring for our girl.</p>
<p> </p>
 
  • Like
Reactions: rinap

·
Registered
Joined
·
721 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<p>Thanks.. these are all really good to read. I'm just kind of blah about things right now.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,467 Posts
<p>Seriously?  Especially if you have a little cash from the new job ... find yourself a cleaning lady.  We were having constant conflicts about housework (it all fell on me) and mess (my husband is very, very chronically sloppy/disorganized).  I could see that really no amount of discussion/therapy/bargaining was going to change it ... and I hired a great lady who comes in 4 hrs a week and cleans the house and helps fold/distribute the laundry that I have washed and dried/sorted.  I can't tell you how much it means to me.  Yes, we still have lots of pickup, dishes, straightening and I still have to do one aspect of the laundry -- but my god, I literally would have thrown out my husband if we didn't have our great cleaning lady.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It is a huge luxury for us, but not.  Seriously, I couldn't live with my spouse were it not for my cleaning lady.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,475 Posts
<p>Hugs- I am a cleaning lady and I second this!!  I also have a friend come in- I could not exist without it- right now she has not been here in weeks and I am overwhelmed ... I hope she comes today.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,334 Posts
Marriage is hard at times and everyone being exhausted just makes it seem even harder than it probably is! Sounds like you started digging, but keep digging and find the source of the problem(s) for each of you. It sounds like part of it is you and your DH are both stretched pretty thin and pretty soon you are going to be stretched even more. If it is going to be too much for both of you, then a cleaning lady or babysitter or more take out something similar might be just the thing to take a bit of the load off.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top