I really don't know what to say about all this...but it sounds like you REALLY need some help and rest. You have done a wonderful job of providing BM for these kiddos...but if it's disinigrated to the point that you're describing...I dunno, maybe you should try formula at night. You don't want those bad feelings to grow.
Is there someone in your life that could come help out at night?? Maybe talk to your Dr. about it. Sounds like there are alot of issues that need working out. Please keep us updated, or PM me if you need to "talk."
to you! It sounds like you are having a tough time right now.
I too think that maybe it would be wise to look into someone coming to your home to help you with the babies (day or night) perhaps during the day there is someone to come and play with them for a few hours so you can get some rest? I agree with the PP that said that maybe just bottles at night would be best for you. Also, maybe have a look at The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. She has some good ideas about how to help your babes sleep through the night. Good luck. I'll be sending sleep vibes your way
Wow. I also really only have hugs to offer. Sounds like you need some down time in the worst sort of way. If you have any extra money, I would consider hiring some help. Maybe a local homeschooled teenager or pre-teen could give you a break during the day. Or perhaps a family member, even it's just on the weekends. And, I agree with PP, that BFing is a wonderful thing, but if it's causing you to have alarming thoughts about your babies, maybe you should reconsider. I am not a supporter of FF, but if you have to use it at night for sanity, then go for it. You could still BF duing the day. Your body would adjust. You sound like you've got a lot on your plate! There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I was going to post something similar...only one preemie baby though. I am happy if we get a 3-4 hour streach at night. Someone was talking about their baby at church today and complaining about her not sleeping well if she had to get up twice in the night with her....I would be very happy with getting up twice.....anyways things will get better.....
to you - please get some help for yourself right away. Formula is definitely the lesser of two evils here - or dare I say, a little pacifier time. Your babies will thrive most with a Happy, Healthy Mom. Whatever it takes - don't be an extremist, just survive. Oh, good luck to you, mama, I will be sending you thoughts of strength and well-being. Seems inadequate but it is all I can do.
Oh honey! You are doing an amazing job even if it doesn't feel like it. I only have one baby so I know that I do not have your strength. I wish I was closer I would come over and sit w/ the babies so you could sleep.
Do you have anyone that can come for a few hours and sit with them? A family member or friend?
I noticed you mentioned a DH in your post? Where is he? I know he can't breastfeed but he can be up helping you, holding, rocking, burping, changing.
bigs hugs and kisses to you. you are doing an amazing job. kudos to you on being so dedicated to BF/expressing, and being honest and getting help about the PPD.
HOWEVER, you have to think of yourself too. do whatever it takes to get your self some peace. if that means a lactation consultant, a post-partum doula, formula. whatever it takes. there has to be some balance. you have to be in a good place yourself in order to love and care those babies.
sorry dh sucks sometimes. i've totally been there. also, ds was in the nicu for 5 weeks. i pumped the first 8 weeks. but it WILL GET EASIER. everything is a season.
i'm a huge advocate of breastfeedings, but can understand that your situation at this point might not allow it to be happening. you could maybe introduce some goat milk instead of formula? i don't trust formula, and i think some babies, especially preemies, are more susceptable to colic with formula than goat milk. don't know if you can afford it or access it, but it's a thought.
the really cool thing about breastfeeding is that your body will respond to swings in demand by the babies. so if right now you back off a bit and nurse less, your body will stop producing as much. still nurse, but give your nipples more rest. vitamin e oil is very helpful for helping nipples to heal, and my ds didn't object to the taste, and it's actually good for them. pumping hurts my nipples more than regular breastfeeding, so that might be contributing to the pain.
you definitely need to get some help into your home if you can afford it. where is your husband?
somehow my own mother was able to break the cycle of abuse that her own mother had laid on her, and she was always gentle and loving with us. i am forever grateful for that gift from her. remember that gentle, abuse-free love is better than anything else you can give them. you're doing great!