[APCDmama]

DD is 28 months old and still nurses frequently throughout the day and night. I have started to impose some limits on nursing to save my sanity, and this seems to be working well. However, I am quite annoyed by DH's rude remarks:
"You've nursed her long enough."
"She's nursing AGAIN?"
"You'd want another baby if you stopped nursing."
"She doesn't need that right now."
"I thought you were weaning her."
"Do you want some fridge milk?"
(while shoving a sippy cup in front of DD's face)

I get especially angry when he directs comments to DD. You should see the look in her eyes when he tells her that she doesn't need mommy's milk. It's just awful. She looks so sad and confused. I have asked him to talk to me privately if he needs to express these opinions, but he doesn't seem to get it. What am I going to do with this man?!! He's such a loving, caring father in every other way. It's hard enough to be nursing at this age, in this culture. KWIM?

Thanks for listening to my vent. The negative comments started at about 18 months, but they are getting a lot worse lately. I think DH is more uncomfortable with nursing now that DD is talking and acting like a little girl rather than a baby. I just wish things were different.

 

[jillmamma]

Mine sometimes makes some snarky comments like that too. I know with mine, he feels sometimes like I don't give HIM enough attention, and that if DS were weaned, he would get more. DS is 3y8m and DD is 11m, and both are still nursing. He also worries about DS not being "independent" enough. I think at this point he realizes I am just stubborn about this particular issue, and really it is between mom and child to make the final decision about weaning. Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart talk with him (w/o DD around) and tell him how his comments make you feel and see if you can figure out what his concerns are about weaning sooner than later. I have noticed that I get much less comments from DH if I try and really focus on making sure we get some good "couple" time in, whether that be going out w/o kids, just putting on a movie together and snuggling after the kids are in bed, or making sure we can do a "quickie" while both kids are napping.

*I* think you have done, and are continuing to do an awesome thing by nursing your 2 year old!

 

[APCDmama]

Thanks, jillmamma. You may be right about DH needing more attention from me. Perhaps complaining about the nursing is a cover for something else that's bothering him. I'll have to talk to him about it.

I completely agree that the final decision regarding weaning is between mother and child. I am quite flexible regarding other parenting issues, but breastfeeding is my domain.

I will try to get in some extra couple time and see how it goes. Thanks for helping to change my perspective a bit! I really appreciate the support.

 

[MamaSpruce]

Has your dh read up on extended nursing? I just had mine read a couple of favorite articles from the LLL mag and that helped him better understand why I am so committed to CLW.

 

[AnnR33]

I do think there's a valid point about DHs needing attention too. It kind of annoys me when this happens in our house but at least I know what's going on and can address it-men are such babies sometimes LOL!

I also think that it's possible that he's starting to get socially conscience of what others might think and that whole can of worms. I know my DH has started to make some comments when we're with others now that DS is 21 mos. He says "just give him a snack instead" or "let me give him his cup first."
I had to sit down with my DH with my DD around this same time and explain to him how important it is on so many levels to support this and never to show any negativity around the children. He agreed reluctantly

I just talked to him recently that this guy (my 21 mos old) is not about to give it up and DH needed to chill. Each of our 3 kids are different and he knows they each wean when they are ready and pushing it only causes stress and frustration.
(of course myt DH has an ulterior motive about weaning since we wants #4 and I don't

)

 

[velcromom]

Well if he's wanting more attention he's shooting himself in the foot.

 

[candipooh]

My hubby was like that with my oldest. I nursed her until she was 23 months. Not 'that' long. But still the coments came. She was the oldest baby that he had known to have nursed. But when #2 and #3 came along he no longer made those coments. Either he learned that it is normal to nurse a toddler or he learned that nothing he said would mke me wean.

s

 

[APCDmama]

Too true, velcromom!

I have tried to get him to read a few articles on extended nursing, but he's not much of a reader, MamaSpruce. Is there an applicable DVD out there somewhere? He'd probably come up with an excuse not to watch it, though.

Thanks for your input, AnnR33 and candipooh. It helps to know that others have gone through the same thing with their spouses. I did speak with DH last night, and asked if he was feeling neglected. A somewhat sheepish grin appeared on his face, and I immediately knew the answer. Geez, why is it so difficult for him to say what's REALLY on his mind? Maybe he has a hard time asking for what he needs. I don't know. Anyway, he seemed to hear what I was saying about nursing, so let's hope there's a change for the better. It's nice to know that people noticed fewer (or no) negative comments directed toward subsequent nurslings.

 

[Anglyn]

So sorry you are going through this! My mother also directs comments to dd, like "big girls dont do that" and "are you a baby?"

I had to tell her to stop it.

Maybe if you try and explain to dh all the reason for ebf? Get the book, "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" or "How Weaning Happens", theres good info in there!

 

[APCDmama]

Good for you for telling your mom to stop her unwelcome comments, Anglyn. What are people thinking when they say these things? They are probably trying to be helpful in their own, uninformed way, I suppose. I would be particularly choked with the "are you a baby?" Glad you stopped that one in its tracks.

Great book suggestion. I've read MANY EBF articles/books, including these, but the information was only helpful to myself, as DH doesn't really read much. I try to pass info on to him, but I imagine it loses its affect when it's coming from me and not straight from the research/studies. I am hoping DH will eventually 'give up' and realize that this issue (nursing) is non-negotiable. Maybe he'll come around as he sees our daughter grow into a healthy, confident, secure, and well-balanced pre-schooler...