Title changed: Could this be a sign of abuse?

1179 Views 11 Replies 9 Participants Last post by thoesly, Sep 9, 2004

flutemandolin

Discussion Starter · Jun 10, 2004

Note: My original title about poop problems doesn't seem to be getting much attention. I'm desperate here!

My ds will be 7 a week from today. Yesterday at daycare he had a couple of BM accidents. He has only been at this daycare for a week and a half, so I attribute it to the change in routine and maybe some other stress in our lives, but this is not a new thing. Although he has never had a BM accident in school, I have noticed at home there have been times when he forgets to go to the toilet (which is an outhouse...long story, doesn't help matters much). I really don't think it's a physical problem, because of the lack of accidents in school and because he does go by himself on the toilet, albeit with lots of reminders.

What worries me is how shy he is about the whole situation. He is more introverted than my other two children but talks readily about most things. I try to talk gently with him about it, giving him the opportunity to come up with ideas to solve the problem, but he seems to withdraw into himself. I ask if there is anything in particular he does not like about going to the bathroom, and he just says no, and I don't want to push the matter. So I'm beginning to wonder IF...and this is a scary IF...there may have been some traumatic experience with going to the bathroom at a previous daycare. Or if maybe I or dh have been too hard on him about it at one time or another (which we have

). My instincts seem to tell me that he is trying to block something out of his mind, but WHAT? The possibilities scare me...could it be sexual abuse?

I'm getting tears as I write this.

Another factor to consider is that I had a similar problem when I was his age.

: I remember a couple of incidents, and I think I was just scared to ask any authority figure, like a teacher, to go to the bathroom. I don't know why, and that may be another road I need to follow.

I did get better, about age seven, without any professional help. I'm hoping my ds will too.

This is so hard for me to write. I know it is not a common thing, and I feel so alone and guilty that I may have caused some of this. I would appreciate any advice or support anyone has.

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LoveBeads

· #2 · Jun 10, 2004

It sounds to me that he is embarrassed, not necessarily that he is hiding anything horribly wrong. He feels reluctant to talk about it because it is an embarrassing topic although it seems that you are really handling it well.

Another thought - you mentioned you have an outhouse. Is it possible that he is afraid to go to it alone?

I hope others will have better advice for you.

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mcmrymoon

· #3 · Jun 10, 2004

i have no answers - sorry but how about talking to his teacher or school guidance counselor. i know school is ending (of it may have). oh wait - is that why he is in daycare now?

why did you leave the previous daycare? does he draw? have him draw some pics of the new daycare and see what kinds of things he draws. or maybe one of the family, house/outhouse etc. i know nothing about art therapy so i cant tell you what to look for - but i figure if something is odd it may show up somewhere. if art isn't his thing - try putting on a play or writing a story.

does he know of your past bowel problems? maybe he wouldn't be so shy if he knew you understood.

hope i helped alittle!

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flutemandolin

Discussion Starter · #4 · Jun 11, 2004

Thanks for the replies. School is out for the summer, so that's why he's in daycare. He and his sister and brother were in a different daycare last summer but they needed to be closer to my work since dh is working out of state (which could be one cause of stress these days). I'm not suspecting anything at this daycare, but since we have moved a few times (which may have disrupted his toilet learning some) he has been to some different places. At one place when he was four he had an accident and they didn't have ANY extra clothes on hand so they had him wear an extra large T shirt with nothing under it outside and I think the kids may have been teasing him (I complained long and loud about that one!

: ) You're right, I think he was afraid to go in the outhouse, at least when it was dark outside. It's pretty gross right now, I don't like it either.

Cleaning time this weekend!

He is obviously embarrassed about the problem--to the point of lying to me about what happened to his pants at daycare. The lying was what gave me the idea that maybe I got after him about it too strongly in the past, and now he's afraid to tell me anything.

Dh has taken a hard line approach too; we've even fought about how to handle things, which doesn't help matters.

) Come to think about it, between dh and me we've probably given him lots of reasons NOT to trust us to talk about it. Only recently have I told him that I can relate personally to his situation. Another thing is that it's difficult to get time alone with him to talk about it; he has a sister age 4.5 and a brother age 2.5 so there's very little privacy from them.

I'm just wondering what triggers the accidents; he does like to draw so maybe I'll try to have him draw some things related to daycare. And I have been able to discern certain emotions from his drawings before; he is very detailed.

The day is almost over so I'll see how he did at daycare today.

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Mamajamz

· #5 · Jun 11, 2004

Just a few thoughts, probably already mentioned here...
I think it could be LOTS of things that are going on. I wouldn't immediately jump to sexual abuse unless he is also having other signs/symptoms.

Outhouse? Yuck. I can remember being afraid of those things at that age, or anything else weird with having to do with pottying. I still don't like them--think about it...your bare bottom exposed to--??? what IS down there in that hole?? ha

It could be something that makes him nervous, or a change in his diet, both of which could make the stool softer and therefore faster to come out.

Another good way to learn what is going on when kids don't have the words is to give them play materials. They work things out through their play. Sit with him, listen, let him direct and you just simply reflect back to him what he is doing. Be as neutral as you can.

Another thing you can try is to tell/read stories and let him finish the story or help you tell it. His point of view will come out. And remember to have no judgment.

Encopresis can be related to anxiety, anger, or a need to regress or gain attention. If none of that hits home I'd go with the outhouse thing.

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flutemandolin

Discussion Starter · #6 · Jun 11, 2004

He had a very good day at daycare yesterday!

I'm hoping it continues, that just tells me he can control it when he thinks about it so there's not a physical problem. I think it's probably stress related; with dh being away and the change in daily routine from school to daycare it's been a rough couple of weeks, and that's just one of the signs he shows.

I guess I was probably letting my imagination run wild, thinking of abuse, but I was just so frustrated by the whole situation I was in tears yesterday. And I feel so alone, like we're weird or something because I don't know ANYONE else who has had a similar problem at his age. I can usually get info and support for just about any other situation here on MDC but apparently no one here has gone through this either.

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Mamajamz

· #7 · Jun 11, 2004

I'm so sorry you feel alone.

I hate that feeling.
I haven't gone through that with one of mine yet, but I have a friend who has a kindergarten age child who poops in his pants regularly when at home, not at school. This has been going on for over a year with little progress or insight, so maybe that would encourage you that your little guy is doing pretty good!

I have seen all of my kids regress in times of stress. Heck, I regress when I'm really stressed and want someone to care for me a while. My 6 year old suddenly had a lot of accidents when my 3rd baby was born, and both of them have had spells of really infantile behavior at times, so I think it's all within the range of normal unless it continues for a really long time or is accompanied by other symptoms. (DH is a child therapist, so I hear a lot about such things.)

Hang in there and trust your gut. I'm sure things will smooth over soon.

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A&A

· #8 · Jun 13, 2004

It's common for children of that age to have occasional accidents of wetting their pants, but quite uncommon for them to have BM accidents. If he were my son, I would consider a possible medical condition and would take him to a doctor to be checked out.

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purplegirl

· #9 · Jun 13, 2004

Might I suggest that you first have him evaluated by a medical doctor to rule out physical causes? If this evaluation proves negative, a lot of times encopresis indicates unexpressed anger and stress. Please talk to your ds and find out if there are things going on in his mind that he has not talked about. It doesn't have to mean abuse but he could be feeling stressed, anxious or angry about other things.
Good luck,
Lisa

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anythingelse

· #10 · Jun 14, 2004

don't forget it can be a change of water or diet - is he getting new foods at dc??? any of those chips with the low fat crud or the fake sugar sub can mess up a kids stomch but good and you can't hold back the bm, sometimes it can be as simple as the time of day kids eat their first meal that can cause small bm accidents after lunchtime

((hug)
Mary- mom of ds 15, ds10, ds7, and dd 4yrs

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MommyH

· #11 · Sep 9, 2004

My son was 6 in April and has learning diabilities (Fragile X syndrome) . He had a bm accident every other day when in Summer school and now has begun having bm accidents in school. It got so bad the teacher had to put him in a diaper because she ran out of underwear.

I have punished him, warned , taken away privileges, cried, yelled etc. NOTHING WORKS!!

I was happy to see your posting just so I knew I wasn't alone and ging crazy. He hates change also but this is just ridiculous. He is going for his physical in a few weeks but his doctors never find anything physically wrong.

I am going to keep trying with rewards etc. Let me know if you find anything that works.

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thoesly

· #12 · Sep 9, 2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by MommyH
My son was 6 in April and has learning diabilities (Fragile X syndrome) . He had a bm accident every other day when in Summer school and now has begun having bm accidents in school. It got so bad the teacher had to put him in a diaper because she ran out of underwear.

I have punished him, warned , taken away privileges, cried, yelled etc. NOTHING WORKS!!

I was happy to see your posting just so I knew I wasn't alone and ging crazy. He hates change also but this is just ridiculous. He is going for his physical in a few weeks but his doctors never find anything physically wrong.

I am going to keep trying with rewards etc. Let me know if you find anything that works.

First off, welcome! Please ask for some advice over in the Special Needs Forum. Strategies that work for typically-developing kids do not always work for kids with special needs. My own son has autism (we are doing a Fragile X screening now), and he has had accidents every now and again. Punishing him would be absurd because he is not doing it on purpose. Rewarding him would be equally absurd because his sensory issues make it difficult for him to tune into his body's messages -- and that's more of a necessity than a cause for celebration.

I can see where some of what I wrote could be applied to typically-developing kids, but I confess that I'm not thinking of them (all three of mine have special needs, so I don't really even have experience with typically-developing kids). I'm just distressed that the strategies listed are not ones that are effective for kids with special needs -- and it's not fair to get mad at the child when the strategy is ineffective.

So again, go to Special Needs and be welcome. There is help to be found all over MDC, but for special needs issues, Special Needs is the place to be.

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