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I am new here so please bare with me. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man. He adores me and truly loves me...as I do him. From our previous marriages I have 2 daughters 16 and 12 and he has 2 sons, 26 and 16 and then a 14 year old daughter. The problem is his 14 year old daughter! I can't stand her! Love his boys but truly dislike his daughter. Now I am a very good actress and neither her or my fiance know my true feelings but everytime I hear her name my skin crawls. She is the laziest most disrespectful child I have ever dealt with. She refuses to do any chores around the house (mind you she is with us at least 4 days a week if not more) she sleeps until noon or after every day, when she does get up she just moves to the couch and watches TV or reads all day. Mind you my daughters are there as well doing the chores that they have been left with...and my daughters do their own laundry every week during the summer. When ever I leave anything for his daughter to do she throws a complete fit and lays around crying about it. I have asked him to start leaving her things to do every day but so far he seems to forget to do this. It took her 3 days here recently to clean her room...and that was with him telling her everyday to clean her room! It is too the point that I don't even want her around and I hate this feeling! She is a very smart girl...straight A's...but her overall attitude and the way she talks to her Dad drives me insane...On top of her laziness! My daughters were and are being raised that you NEVER disrespect an adult especially a Parent yet his daughter thinks it is perfectly okay to disrepect her Dad on a daily basis. I have talked to him about her laziness and about her being disrespectful and he agrees yet does nothing to stop her. Bottom line is that he doesn't want to make her mad at him. Which I totally understand but there has to be a line somewhere! My daughter's tolerate her but do get upset when she is just laying there doing nothing while they are doing dishes or folding laundery...keep in mind my 16 year old also works 2 jobs outside of the house yet still gets her chores done. I work a full-time job 50 plus hours per work as does my fiance so I do expect the girls to help out around the house..INCLUDING his daughter. Am I wrong? Should I just let her do nothing since he normally doesn't see her as much during the school year and the Summers are when she is around more? I have talked with my Mom about this and she just keeps telling me over and over to not marry him until this is resolved...at this point it looks like it won't be resolved until she turns 18 and goes away to college! Her own Mom has admitted that she is lazy but she does nothing on her end to try and change her. I am about ready to call the whole engagement off and have him move out until she goes away to college! Which isn't what I want to do because I truly love him and can't imagine my life without him but for the sake of my sanity I am close to calling it quits. Does anyone have any suggestions?
 

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I'm sorry that you're going through this.

My opinion is that solving this problem is primarily up to the girl's father and mother. As a step-parent (it sounds as though you are living together and are essentially step-parenting) you can model good behavior and take authority over how the child talks to you and treats you and the other children in the household but the disrespect to her father and general laziness I wonder if you can or should do anything about directly.

This behavior is not uncommon at this age even though the other children don't seem to be acting this way.

My opinion is that a lot of this behavior is biological and a lot is about power. If she can sense that she's upsetting you then you've given away your power. You say you are a good actress but genuine affection is very difficult to feign and she may sense that you don't have affection of approval for her, in which case there is no reason for her to try to please you or gain your approval.

Can you try to draw her out with some special attention, frequent one-on-one time out for pizza or a movie? Win her over, include her, inspire her. Seek out the good in yourself and in her. Try to offer her an alternative to hours in bed or in front of a screen.

She's just a child, try to remember this, as hard as it is for you, and it must be really hard!

I wouldn't view this issue as a factor for your marriage. With marriage comes a lot of unpleasant work and surprises, things change over time, this is only one phase.

I would also encourage the other children to try to include her and draw her out. As teens it will probably be more difficult to integrate the children into a family but that is the goal if you love your partner.

Hang in there.
 
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