Toddler & church?

From what you're telling us, your dd sounds like my DS, and I won't take him to church yet - not only would it be distracting for all the other churchgoers, but it would be really stressful for me to try to keep him occupied for an hour, so I wouldn't be getting anything out of the service anyway, and neither would DS, so it kind of makes it pointless as far as I'm concerned.

As a churchgoer, I find it really distracting to hear little feet walking on pews, or running out in the vestibule or wherever, or trying to get mom/dad to let them out of the pew, or coming in and out and in and out...and I LOVE kids....it's just that when I go to a service as an adult, I'm wanting to get something out of it, and hearing "toddler noises" really makes it difficult to do that. But that's just MHO.

When DS is to the point that he can sit for 10-20 minutes with a coloring book or something, then we'll consider it. But not now. I can picture him trying to get out of the pew, talking LOUDLY about everything going on, walking back and forth across the pew, banging stuff on the pew because it makes a neat noise, etc. Not what I'm looking ot get out of church, personally...AND, I'm not looking to put him into situations where he's beign set up to "fail". He's only 2, not like he's 6 or anything - plenty of time for him to learn the ropes of sitting quietly and respecting other people's desire to be in church.

I don't think that she's necessarily "too young", but it sounds like maybe her personality and temperament combined with her age are not the best set up for an hour-long church service quite yet. I'm thinking around 3 will probably be the time we start taking DS, as he will also be at an age where he might start getting something out of it by then, too.

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That's what I was thinking of trying, I was hoping to hear if anyone had tried this and how it had worked for them.

I think I can talk DH into trying this ONCE but I suspect for it to click in for DD it could take weeks or months (if ever?). I read somewhere a suggestion to bring DD to the church when its empty so she can explore and become familiar (and bored?) with it, maybe I'll try that too.

Part of the problem is probably DH in that he is very protective of her and would probably insist on being the one to run around after her during church - as if he didn't do enough in the week as the SAHP! I think he just can't turn that switch off and let me handle it. So I'd have to deal with restless DD and grumpy DH.

His solution is for us to change to a church that has daycare in it or lets kids run around (as in, change our religion!) I think thats a bit drastic but as a cradle catholic its hard for me to think of being anything else.

Sigh - yet another parenting issue with no easy answers...

I go to a wonderful family-friendly church. We don't even have a nursery, so we always have kids in our services. My kids have all been going to church with me since they were newborns. It can be challenging at times, but they do learn. I'm lucky that my parents and my grandma attend with us, so one of my kids sits with them in the pew in front of us, and the other two sit with me. It helps keep them settled.

The best advice I can give you is to have special toys that only come out at church. My daughter (three today!) and my son (eight yesterday!) each have a "church bag". Inside we have coloring books and crayons, magnetic letter books, little cheap plastic animals - just busy things. The fact that they only see these toys once a week really makes them seem special, and that way they hold their interest longer. I also have these really cool activity folders for church. Basically they are matching games - Noah's Ark, shapes, numbers, colors - that are held together by velcro. Honestly, some Sunday's my kids aren't ready to leave when the hour is over, because they are so busy playing with these. They took some time to make, but they have been worth their weight in gold. If you'd like copies, feel free to PM me.

Good luck - and trust me, you can do this!

I have to go alone, because DH usually works on sunday, so Ive done this......

1.--only go once in a while (maybe once every two months or so---to keep it fresh so dd is mildly interested in whats going on)

2.--I put 'stuff' in her diaper bag, (very quiet things, interesting little stuff so she can explore, some toys, but not all toys), that she can work her way through

3.--I let her go through my purse, quietly, and maybe theres a pen and paper in there she can use (she likes to take EVERYTHING out and will place on the seat/bench next to her then will usually help put stuff back in---if I whisper ahead of time to her clearly that she will need to do that)

4.--being able to stand, sing, sit, stand sing, etc. can really help her interest along and she enjoys the diversions, and trying to figure out whats going on

5.--I sometimes 'whisper' one of her books to her occassionally, if Im sure we cant be heard

6.--breastfeed ....(that always comes in handy!)

7.--and, lastly, I always sit near door and am emotionally and physically as ready as can be to have to just go out if need be, whether to have to leave, or even if just for a short stroll and a drink of water, then coming back)

with that said---just a couple more thoughts, then Ill hush up!!......

I am VERY aware of any of her noise making, and it DOES make me really on edge,.....so I stay extremely in tune with what she might need next in order to keep her interested 'quietly.' she definitely 'gets' the quietness going on, even though she needs all these supports*** to adhere to it. although it is always a 'dance,' I have felt it is an important one. its makes me feel good that we've gone, even if only for a while. DD #1 who is 8 went through this same whole routine and it really helped her learn about church gradually---(the way a little one learns about everything else, really, right?!!?)

Id say give it a try, dont have expectations too high, plan that you may be there at times only for a short while and have that be ok......try again in another month or two!!

good luck.....

I'm not a church-goer, so do with this what you will, but I was a full-time student when I had my daughter, and did occasionally take her to lecture and seminar classes. Not that different, I'm thinking....

Personally, I found it stressful, the more so as she got older and more vocal. No one ever complained to me about her, but I was very self-conscious about it. I generally left with her a couple of times during the class, and otherwise just felt a bit 'edgy' the whole time. I graduated when she was a year and a half.

So far as church goes, my in-laws are Catholic, and there are no family-friendly facilities at their church. They have 3 kids under 7 and right from babyhood have taken all three to long, un-kid friendly services at which the children apparently sit stock still in their Sunday best, punctuated by occasionally punching or pinching each other. So I suppose one can 'train' them, but do you want to? I did notice that their children were especially, er, rambunctious (ie. totally terrifying to my daughter!) on a Sunday afternoon after being pent up in church all a.m. I don't think this is quite the scenario you'd be going for, but it's the only other somewhat comparable experience I can summon up...

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Good thought in principle but... We tried the cry room at a local church and neither DH nor I liked it one bit. We felt very apart, & still felt concious of DD's every action. Plus she kept wanting to go out to the hallway and play with the water fountain. It probably didn't help that the service was very dry and the whole thing felt very unwelcoming. The only plus was that she was playing a smiling game with an older girl sitting behind us.

I did talk to a couple of local churches and was told they didn't have a cry room because the priests preferred the kids to be part of the congregation even if they made some noise.

NancyW - thanks for the comment regarding visiting the church, you're right I didn't realize that it would confuse her to be able to run around one day but not the next.

The Catholic church we attend has a quiet room and that is where myself and my boys (age 4.25 and 23 months) sit. My 4 year old could easily be quiet sitting in the pews of the sanctuary, but my youngest would be bored and restless and loud.

Personally, I think you are expecting WAY too much from a 20 month old for her to be able to tolerate an entire mass. Our masses are usually 1hr 20min long and even I am feeling restless at the end.

The only people who sit in our quiet room are those other parents like me. There are some quiet toys in there (coloring books, doll house, books) and the kids usually play together while we listen to the mass. Yes, I do not feel I am getting the complete experience I was getting when I didn't have to sit in there, but I guess I just expected a change when I had kids.

Honestly, the parents in my congregation who *don't* use the quiet room don't seem to be GD parents at all. I've heard nearly all of them threaten spankings, taking away toys, telling the kids if they aren't good they will 'make the rest of the day very boring', etc. Of course, the kids look to be good as gold and well behaved, but it's only because they are afraid of the consequences.

I'm definately with your dh on this one.

Seems like finding the right church for you is the bigger problem. This sounds like a good sign:

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Have you been to one that feels comfortable? Or even do you have good friends who attend one regularly?

We always sit in the cry room, so ds's antics shouldn't bother anyone. We're working on "quiet voice" for church, but that's about it as far as we go in aiming for special behavior. I think it probably depends on your child, and what your discipline goals are. And how much effort you're willing to put into finding ways to distract your dd while you're in the pew. For us this would be very, very difficult, and not worth it. He is way too active and social, and he loves church. We want church to be someplace he likes to go. Frankly, the catholic mass has little to offer a child. All that said, we don't like the cry room. We can't hear much of the service, and feel really disconnected. But we want to stay involved, and it's the best solution for us now. So I understand why you wouldn't want to do that.

I do have friends who sit in the main body of the church with 3 kids, 5, 2 1/2, and 9 mos. They are constantly getting up to go out to the lobby.

I think that unless you're willing to put in a lot of effort into keeping your dd entertained and distracted, you're going to be getting up a lot.

Your welcome, Ana!

my dad was/is a minister and whenever he hears little sounds from little ones, he makes a broad mention to the whole congregation that its nice to have those sounds.....for noone to feel worried or embarrased about them, and that he enjoys hearing them, because it helps to 'calm' and 'center' him. (I think its really nice when he says that....)

but we dont live in that area, and I dont go to his church! (we really arent very religious--as a family we lean more toward buddhist principles) but we are SOOOOOO lucky to live near The monks of Weston Priory----they are catholic, but preach TOLERANCE, loving acceptance,....the music is beautiful, outdoor services in summer.

I love it there. and am so happy Ive been able to stay somewhat connected even as we move through toddler years. ....dd's dont 'suffer' through it at all.
Again--we dont go often enough for it to get too boring for them,and if they are having a day when they just cant handle it, we leave for that day or just for a walk to help change their scenery for a bit.

(yes, we manage this and still remain gd.) Im not saying its easy, or goes perfectly, but Ive felt it so worth it over time.

We go regulaly to church, did before kids and continued after. Our dd was a pretty placid toddler, easy to keep amused; but our ds is another story.

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ah yes, little sounds.... I wish, but ds tends to scream and scream loudly!
It is a full time job keeping him quiet in church. needless to say I spend a LOT of time getting up.

Three things work for us, at lest part of the time-

1.Distraction: I also have toys that are only for church. Most toys my ds will toss after 10 seconds sigh, but... ah thankgoodness for a but lol he will sit on my lap and play with this soft activity book I bought. it has shapes that peel off and on with velcro and he loves to do this. There are other things in there but those shapes are the best. I have to hold the book because it needs to be held firmly while he pulls.

2.Food: this works really well. What I do is not just give him a container of food though. I would imagine he would spill that and it would be eatten too quickly. I have a smaller snack container with a lid that has a swivel opening on it. So I take from my slightly larger container one or at most 2 cerials at a time. Drop the cerial in the small one with the swivel only half open and he shakes it out or opens it and reaches in. Or other times I put a cerial in my fist and he has to find it by opening my fingers. I don't know if your ds would like those food games or not, they work with my ds who is 18 months very well. I try to keep that for all the quiet spots such as anouncments, prayers and comunion.

3. Games: I have this hand game were ds claps my hand and every so often I catch that hand in mine, then tickle up his arm. Also we usualy have at lest one fast up beat song or more depending on whos worship leading so I dance around in one spot with ds somewhat, swing him down and side to side.

4. Sleep!: Can you go to a service that he might sleep at? So far I have always been able to get ds to take a nap even if for only 20 minutes of the sermon. We sit at the back where there is extra room and I bring in my stroler and rock him. Last week I had to push him around the foyer as rocking in church wasn't cutting it. I'm dreading the day this dosn't work anymore. maybe i can hope by then he wont scream

At 18 mos. I was still nursing my son through the service. He loved it. He cozied in as soon as the first hymn was started, and drifted off looking satisfied and blissful. Very few people gave me rude looks.

Eventually he stopped that but still snoozed through church. Eventually we moved to bringing paper/crayons/snacks.

They just began setting up a small round table at the back and supplying coloring pages, markers, crayons, word searches, etc. Its *wonderful* to have the 3-6 age range kids in the service, quietly busy. I'm *sure* they are picking up bits and peices of the worship in their own way.