Mothering Forum banner
1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,431 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel silly even posting this, since I know that if someone else posted it I'd reply, "It's totally normal -- don't take it personally." But my DS favors my hubby and I can't help that sometimes it hurts! I breastfed, stay at home, practice GD, take DS to do fun stuff, spend lots of one-on-one time, etc., but it's always DaddyDaddyDaddy when there's a choice. DS is totally fine with me if DH isn't here, but if he's here there's no contest -- when DS gets hurt, wants to play, etc., he goes to Daddy.

I know it's probably because DH is more of a novelty since he works full time and I'm always around, so I always just put on a happy face and act like it doesn't bug me, but it secretly does a little. I also know that kids go through phases -- infanthood is typically all about Mommy, then as they get more independent and want to branch out they turn to Daddy. But for DS, it's always been about Daddy -- I feel like I got skipped over! (I know, I'm being whiny -- sorry.)

And DS isn't all that much of a snuggler anyway, so maybe that has something to do with it -- he'd much rather be down playing than cuddling in anyone's lap, and maybe I try to cuddle a little more than he'd like, so he pushes me away more readily than my DH, who gives DS his space more. I'm actually trying to be really conscious of that right now, because I don't want this to become a cycle of DS pushes me away >> I try to connect by reaching out even more >> this bugs DS and he pushes me away more quickly the next time >> etc. But on the other hand I don't want to consciously limit physical contact with my DS, you know? I think physical closeness is very important, even beyond infancy (DS is 21 months).

I don't know. I guess I just had to say this "out loud" so that I could process my feelings. Rereading it, I feel like it's painting a weird picture of me as a needy, smothering mommy, and I'm truly not -- we have tons of fun throughout the day, but there are just small, isolated moments where he chooses DH over me or decides he's had enough Mommy time.

Any thoughts on this? Should I even be focused on "connecting" more, or should I just view it as a no-big-deal phase and keep doing what I'm doing?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,706 Posts
I am the full-time working parent my son prefers ... but I have the same issue you do with a non-cuddler. I've found that it helps to do more fun physical play instead of just cuddling, like tickling and chasing games. That helps get the closeness in without smothering him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,703 Posts
My 17 month old DD is this way too, and has been since birth. She was 3 days old and I swear she only wanted to be with him.


Do you co-sleep? This has really helped DD and I connect--she's not much of a cuddler during the day, but she seems to love cuddling in her sleep.

Also, have you tried disappearing for a bit? Maybe head to a movie and have DH take over for the afternoon. I'm a SAHM too, and DH tells me that the minute he takes over, my DD won't stop talking about mama mama mama. Sort of like love the one you're NOT with.

Anyway, I know how you feel. I feel silly saying this, but DH and I have talked about having another one just so I can "have my own."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,431 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by rzberrymom
Do you co-sleep?

Also, have you tried disappearing for a bit?
No, we don't co-sleep -- DS is a wiggler/kicker, and seems to get better rest (as do we!) when he's in his own bed.

I do go out quite a bit -- a couple of times per week, in fact, I'll go out and do errands or get coffee with a friend after DH gets home from work. I like for DH and DS to get one-on-one time together (and I know they enjoy it too), and I like getting out of the house alone. DH says that he'll ask where I am (as he asks me where DH is once or twice throughout the day), but when I get home he's not overly into hanging with me.

I figure he's just excited about spending time with Daddy since he's been with me all day, but after a few too many, "No, Daddy do it"s in a row I guess my feelings get a little bruised, albeit unjustifiably. I guess this is just a whine thread -- thanks for listening and letting me get it out there!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,388 Posts
I have one of these too. And yes, she's been this way forever, it seems. As far as I can recall, she was only mommycentric right around 6-9 months, and even then it was mild.

It can be quite painful. I also SAH, breastfed, GD, etc etc, the whole works. But she just does have a preference for him. Some days it has made me get teary-eyed! I know--and then you feel so embarrassed.

I try to look at it this way. DH is absolutely crazy about her and a fantastic, involved dad. I know I can leave them together without a moment's worry that she will pine for me. They are going to have such a strong relationship for life, right? This is really an incredible gift, in a way. So many dads are distant or have a hard time being close to their kids.

Buuuut that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings sometimes! I found it helped to talk to DH about it. Since we did, he makes a point of always telling me when DD asks for me, says she misses me, and talks about me sweetly when I'm not around. That has helped.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
972 Posts
Sign me up for this club! LOL!

My dd is another non-cuddler who sleeps best by herself. Always has. She especially got "daddy centric" during the three weeks he was on vacation. The day he went back to work, she said, "I don't want mommy. I love daddy. Daddy? Daddy? MAAAARCCC!" She was 18 months old! After all I do for this kid, I was more than a little hurt, but I tried to be an adult about it. But then last weekend, I had DH take her to the doctor's office with him, while I went to teach swimming. DH told me she cried for me for 45 minutes straight. WTF?!?!?!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,210 Posts
My DD has had phases where she only wanted me, and then a few months later she only wanted her daddy. It always hurts whichever parent she doesn't want. It's especially hard on me on those days when I've been with her all day, played with her, fed her, cared for her and loved her, and then when daddy comes home she screams if I go anywhere near her!

She was especially mommy-centric just before DS was born last December -- we were actually quite worried about it because she wanted NOTHING to do with DH. But we needn't have worried...when DS was born and I was busy with him, she decided daddy was more fun, anyway. She's so fickle!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,792 Posts
I'm the unloved parent in our house (I know, I'm not REALLY unloved, it just feels like it)

I work out of the home and our daughter went through MONTHS of favouring my wife. To the point that I couldn't be in the same room with her on teething or sick days. She would cry and search for her other mama. There were days when every time I touched her she cried. It seriously blew.

DD is finally getting over it but it has taken months and it has been a HUGE strain on both my wife and me. We have both cried buckets in our exhaustion, disappointment and frustration.

You're not alone and really, our children do love us they just are working out their world.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,699 Posts
We have the same issue in our house but daddy it the not favorite parent. We both work out of the home 40 hours a week. DD who is almost 15 months really wants me all the time and gets so mad if I'm giving him attention and you can just forget about he playing w/ her if I'm in the house. She will deal w/ him if I'm not home but that is only after throwing a fit. She won't let him sit near her, fed her, play with, etc. about 85% w/o throwing a HUGE fit.

He is so hurt by it too. He's not her bio dad but is the only father she's known and he's been there since day one. I feel that he feels like she's rejecting him because in some primal way she knows he's "not her dad". It breaks my heart and to be honest really makes me upset w/ my dd because it hers me to see her hurt dp feelings. I know that she is by no means aware of that but I'm still so fustrated.

DP is out of town this week and dd was wandering around the house looking for him and saying his name so I know she is missing him. When he called this morning he talked to her and she clapped and got excited and kept saying "daddaa, daadaa" over and over.

Thanks for letting me vent this has been weighing really heavily on my mind.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,088 Posts
My ds favors me and I know it makes dh feel bad. He says it doesn't, but he gets so happy if he falls asleep with him or something. I have found that it is best if he has somesort of routine with him. Always take a bath, or always go to bed with. Unfortunately dh doesn't stick to this and then he's back to wanting mama. He does love to horse around and play with dh. Maybe they compartmentalize and get in their minds...
sleep -- mama
hug -- mama
horse around -- dad
etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
885 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jes'sBeth
I'm the unloved parent in our house (I know, I'm not REALLY unloved, it just feels like it)

I work out of the home and our daughter went through MONTHS of favouring my wife. To the point that I couldn't be in the same room with her on teething or sick days. She would cry and search for her other mama. There were days when every time I touched her she cried. It seriously blew.

DD is finally getting over it but it has taken months and it has been a HUGE strain on both my wife and me. We have both cried buckets in our exhaustion, disappointment and frustration.

You're not alone and really, our children do love us they just are working out their world.
We are right in the middle of this situation! DD won't let her daddy do anything with her and sometimes has a meltdown if he even tries to talk to her. And if she's tired, hurt, teething, etc. - forget it, DH can't even touch her. It is extremely frustrating for both of us - DH really wants to help and I really need a break sometimes (I am due with #2 in a few weeks). I know DH gets his feelings hurt and I am not really sure how to fix the problem, if it can be "fixed". Everyone I have talked to says it is normal and that she "knows something is coming that is going to take mommy's attention away." That's great for people to say, but it doesn't really help us, kwim? I just hope she gets past this stage soon!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
885 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Slackermom
She was especially mommy-centric just before DS was born last December -- we were actually quite worried about it because she wanted NOTHING to do with DH. But we needn't have worried...when DS was born and I was busy with him, she decided daddy was more fun, anyway. She's so fickle!

That gives me some hope!
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top