My 22 mo son hits (with a balled up fist) and kicks when angry, frustrated, and tired. My son also will hit and kick my DD if she is sitting on my lap or laying next to me on the bed. I have tried teaching him gentle and showing him what gentle is. I have tried stopping the hitting/kicking action in mid-air very calmly telling him gentle and no hit. DH has even tried replacing the aggressive behavior by turning it into a game of giving high five. It isn't stopping, if anything it is getting more frequent. For all of these behaviors when we try to redirect he laughs and does it more. Today I even resorted to removing him from people and putting him in his playroom but I hate doing this. My biggest worry now is, well besides hitting his sister, I am pg with another child. I am worried about his reaction to this new baby and I am wanting to stop this behavior before the birth. HELP!!!!!!!!!
Toddler hitting and kicking
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I think the redirecting to a high-five is a good redirection if the hitting is done out of a desire to play or interact.
My main discipline consists of *redirect in a way that honors the impulse* so in a situation where dc is hitting out of anger/frustration/etc, you need to find a way for him to express that impulse, that is acceptable to you. The *impulse* is legitimate, and it deserves to be expressed. It's just the particular way that he is expressing it that is not ok with you. (hitting is not an acceptable way of expressing anger, or anything actually). If the impulse doesn't get expressed, it won't just go away. Your ds is trying his best to express it in the best way he knows how. So teach him a better way.
When my ds is angry, I sometimes tell him to make a mad face. Or you could tell your ds that if he's angry, he can say "I'm MADDD!" or roar like a lion. Watch him, and see what would work for the type of person he is.
My ds is a pretty quiet calm person, so making a mad face is plenty of outlet for him. I imagine other kids need a more physical expression of anger.
Also, do what you can to teach him how to express his desires BEFORE they become anger/frustration. My ds used to hit the dog, because she was too close to him. I taught him a few better ways of asking the dog to move- he can hold his hand up like a stop sign, he can say "move" or he can ask me to make her move.
Same thing with any situation that can turn into frustration. I try to teach him how to handle that particular situation, so he can express what he wants in the most effective way possible.
HTH!
My main discipline consists of *redirect in a way that honors the impulse* so in a situation where dc is hitting out of anger/frustration/etc, you need to find a way for him to express that impulse, that is acceptable to you. The *impulse* is legitimate, and it deserves to be expressed. It's just the particular way that he is expressing it that is not ok with you. (hitting is not an acceptable way of expressing anger, or anything actually). If the impulse doesn't get expressed, it won't just go away. Your ds is trying his best to express it in the best way he knows how. So teach him a better way.
When my ds is angry, I sometimes tell him to make a mad face. Or you could tell your ds that if he's angry, he can say "I'm MADDD!" or roar like a lion. Watch him, and see what would work for the type of person he is.
My ds is a pretty quiet calm person, so making a mad face is plenty of outlet for him. I imagine other kids need a more physical expression of anger.
Also, do what you can to teach him how to express his desires BEFORE they become anger/frustration. My ds used to hit the dog, because she was too close to him. I taught him a few better ways of asking the dog to move- he can hold his hand up like a stop sign, he can say "move" or he can ask me to make her move.
Same thing with any situation that can turn into frustration. I try to teach him how to handle that particular situation, so he can express what he wants in the most effective way possible.
HTH!
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deva, what is TCC Intro xv - I like the quote.
My 2yo hits the baby on a regular basis, and I'm kind of stumped because I do NOT see it coming. He's not angry, at least not visibly. It seems totally impulsive and happens right in the middle of gentle touching. I can't decide whether it's worse for their relationship to accidentally allow some hitting to sneak through, or to totally prevent him from being near the baby for a while.
I'd love to hear more ideas for redirection AND how to respond after he hits. He can hit hard, and usually in the face
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He's exactly 2.5
My 2yo hits the baby on a regular basis, and I'm kind of stumped because I do NOT see it coming. He's not angry, at least not visibly. It seems totally impulsive and happens right in the middle of gentle touching. I can't decide whether it's worse for their relationship to accidentally allow some hitting to sneak through, or to totally prevent him from being near the baby for a while.
I'd love to hear more ideas for redirection AND how to respond after he hits. He can hit hard, and usually in the face
He's exactly 2.5
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Quote:
The Continuum Concept, and that quote is from the intro. I love it- it sums up a lot in just a few words
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YOu know what I've started saying to hitting? "What are you trying to do?" or "what are you trying to accomplish?"
It helps put ME in the right frame of mind to know that there is something that he is trying to do/say, and he just needs a better way to say it.
And it helps him realize that there is indeed a better way to express it.
Sometimes now that's really all I have to say, and I don't really need to give him alternatives. He's pretty good at figuring them out now (but I will if it seems that it would help the situation). I've been doing this "giving alternatives" for a long time, so he's used to the whole idea of finding a better way to express himself.
I used to tell him that "I don't like to be hit" but I don't really say that much anymore because he KNOWS that. lol.
Originally Posted by PancakeGoddess deva, what is TCC Intro xv - I like the quote. |
YOu know what I've started saying to hitting? "What are you trying to do?" or "what are you trying to accomplish?"
It helps put ME in the right frame of mind to know that there is something that he is trying to do/say, and he just needs a better way to say it.
And it helps him realize that there is indeed a better way to express it.
Sometimes now that's really all I have to say, and I don't really need to give him alternatives. He's pretty good at figuring them out now (but I will if it seems that it would help the situation). I've been doing this "giving alternatives" for a long time, so he's used to the whole idea of finding a better way to express himself.
I used to tell him that "I don't like to be hit" but I don't really say that much anymore because he KNOWS that. lol.
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Quote:
My ds was not verbal until 23 mos. He still only uses one word phrases to communicate, so most of his communication is pretty much non-verbal.
He did understand a lot though. Just didn't speak. And he used signs. It worked for him, since long before he could speak.
I'd just find a way that he could express himself non-verbally. So for telling the dog to move, I'd tell him to put his hand up (like "stop") and kinda shoo her away. I think the main point is to let them know there is a better way to express themselves, and to search for a way that would work for them.
Even now, when I say "What are you trying to accomplish" I don't get any verbal response. Or even for that matter a definite nonverbal response. Basically, it gets him to stop what he's doing, while we try to figure it out. It catches on though, so I know that it is definitely sinking in.
Originally Posted by treemom2 How do you do this with a child who is still pretty nonverbal? |
He did understand a lot though. Just didn't speak. And he used signs. It worked for him, since long before he could speak.
I'd just find a way that he could express himself non-verbally. So for telling the dog to move, I'd tell him to put his hand up (like "stop") and kinda shoo her away. I think the main point is to let them know there is a better way to express themselves, and to search for a way that would work for them.
Even now, when I say "What are you trying to accomplish" I don't get any verbal response. Or even for that matter a definite nonverbal response. Basically, it gets him to stop what he's doing, while we try to figure it out. It catches on though, so I know that it is definitely sinking in.
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I think that what you are doing (with the exception of removing him to another room) is just right. Unfortunately, this is a normal toddler phase and sometimes you just have keep doing it until the phase passes.
I spent a looooong time with a toddler who hit--doing what you're doing: redirection, guiding, modeling gentle touching, using playfulness, etc.--and in the end he came through the phase with his dignity entact, our attachment secure, and a whole lot of tools in his toolbox for dealing with frustration, sharing, anger, excitement, etc.
I just don't think there's a quick fix--it's a process. And one day you'll realize that he hasn't hit in a couple of days and pretty soon he'll be the one gently showing his younger siblings how to gentle touch and give high fives!
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I spent a looooong time with a toddler who hit--doing what you're doing: redirection, guiding, modeling gentle touching, using playfulness, etc.--and in the end he came through the phase with his dignity entact, our attachment secure, and a whole lot of tools in his toolbox for dealing with frustration, sharing, anger, excitement, etc.
I just don't think there's a quick fix--it's a process. And one day you'll realize that he hasn't hit in a couple of days and pretty soon he'll be the one gently showing his younger siblings how to gentle touch and give high fives!
I'm in the same situation with my DS 2 and a bit and younger sibling 6mths.
Thankyou Deva33mommy - I love your advice and suggestions, I am going to try some of that! It really makes sense.
Monkey's mum - lovely description of how your toddler came through it. Thanks for sharing!
Thankyou Deva33mommy - I love your advice and suggestions, I am going to try some of that! It really makes sense.
Monkey's mum - lovely description of how your toddler came through it. Thanks for sharing!
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