[Justice2]

Oh lord, let the terrible (albeit incredibly fascinating) two's begin! So, tell me, what do you guys do for tantrums? Kaeleb has just recently started having them (and let me say that this boy has been blessed with a good sized temper!). What I have been doing so far is kinda that Toddler Ease deal. I am available, I tell him why he can't do...whatever he's fighting for so hard (or like in tonight's sense...fighting against) and I hold him, if he will let me. I don't give in, and give him what he wants (usually it's something pretty bad because I a pretty laid back parent and there isn't much I don't let him have). Am I doing the right things? Is there something else that I should be doing? I don't use force with my kiddos, so please don't suggest it. Tonight's tantrum was pretty bad and lasted about 20-30 min. I really, really hate him crying for that long, BUT NOTHING WOULD CALM HIM DOWN.

What do you guys do?

 

[mountain mom]

Oh I hear you loud and clear Laura.

My Mom and Dad just finished visiting us for two days and the excited and difference in schedule was enough for dd to go over the edge two times.

Both times were resolved with essential oils of sandlewood and patchoulli to help ground her and a banana to help the hunger.

Go figure.

 

[Justice2]

That's funny! I helped to resolve Kaeleb's with Chamomile/Linden/Peppermint Tea (and a whole wheat hot dog bun...the only quick thing I had left...for the hunger. That boy loves hot dog buns, no meat, just the bun!) and I drank some Meadowsweet tea for the headache that I could feel coming on.....

 

[nicholas_mom]

You are doing fine. You are teaching him it is ok to have these feelings and that you still love him and will stand by him through the good and bad times in his life

Here is a good article regarding tantrums written by Dr. Althea Solter. She wrote about crying in Mothering Magazine. She has wonderful articles.

http://www.awareparenting.com/tantrums.htm

Good Luck!

 

[mosky22]

Have you tried to mirror his feeling to him. Aknowledge that you know he is upset, you know why he is upset.

 

[Justice2]

Yeah, I also tell him that it's ok for him to be mad, upset. I think that it's important to let a child (even a toddler) to express their emotions. Even if that results in a display of temper.

 

[mountain mom]

Offer out the words to describe his feelings too.

"you must be so frustrated and sad."

"this must make you feel scared and lonely"

"lets try to bring love and happiness back"

I saw on Oprah (

) that men are typically raised only knowing two ways to express a feeling. Anger and Happiness and then later lust. This is due to the old view that men need to be strong and hide feelings.

The woman being interviewed stated how important it is to teach our young children, including our boys, the full range of definitions of emotion so that they grow up understanding how to express their feelings.

Kind of off topic but applicable I think.

 

[dalbert]

I just finished reading the best parenting book I've ever read, called "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence J. Cohen. He talks about how children learn through play, not through explanations. I had previously tried to explain things to my dd when she was freaking out, and it never really got through to her. But after reading this book, I started a new approach where I would play the situation out with her. Usually, it would be role reversal and I'd say, "Let's pretend I'm the baby and you're the mommy" and then I'd take on her perspective. She always goes for this! She becomes the mommy and says whatever it is that I was trying to tell her. Then when I ask her why, she explains the reasoning to me (sometimes making up something crazy, but it's fun). This really turns it around to where we're dealing with the issue in a fun playful way, she learns from it, and she also goes along in the end with whatever I was trying to get her to do or stop doing. Often times, she recalls one of these scenarios later that same day or the next day and wants to play through it again, so we do. It's like she's digesting this lesson right before my eyes. It's truly amazing. I've been doing this approach for about a month now with 95% success...and I feel like we've grown closer because of it. Maybe it can work for you too!

Di (mama to Rylee 11/25/01)

 

[Naughty Dingo]

I totally agree with those that suggested finding an organic culprit to the tantrum like a hungry child, an earache etc. If you can keep on top of those things many of the tantrums won't be.

When my daughter loses it it is usually because she doesn't get her way. I validate her feelings of frustration and speak kindly to her. But I also reiterate that her actions won't change my decision. I think they are getting old enough to understand that concept. I tell her I love her and that she can yell and scream if she wants. Depending on the situation that we are in I will praise her for her strong powerful cries and expression of her feelings. Her tantrums self resolve usually after not to much of this.

I haven't had too many in public places but I just grit my teeth and carry on with my usual tantrum reaction. A friend once gave me great advice. She told me to look at tantrums and all these little upsets as opportunites for me to teach my daughter, and for her to learn. It helps ME deal with the tantrums.

 

[Justice2]

My ds is much like your daughter. He usually throws these tantrums when he can't get his way and I also validate his feelings. It must be quite frustrating to not be able to do what you want. We as adults can't really understand this concept because we can (usually) do what we want. We haven't had the opportunity to do this in public, as Kaeleb hasn't thrown a tantrum in public, but when we do, I will explain try to help him understand that screaming in the store is unacceptable behavior (to me) and that if he wants to scream in the car, that is fine. I hope that I don't get flamed for that attitude. I just don't think that he has the right to make all of the other shoppers uncomfortable because he can't have a toy. I still want him to express his feelings, and will tell him that, but only after we have gotten to a more private place.

 

[Lula's Mom]

Dalbert, I LOVE that approach! I'm definitely going to try that with my almost-3-year-old. I'm almost positive it will work when she gets upset. She actually made up a version on her own of this, but it was just for play, not while she was having a tantrum: She will come up to me and tell ME to ask HER if I can watch cartoons. So I do, and then she says, "No, you can't, because you have to go to bed now." She loves pretending that she's the mom and I'm the baby. Thank you.....

 

[dalbert]

Oh good...I hope it works as well for you as it has for us!

Quote:

We haven't had the opportunity to do this in public, as Kaeleb hasn't thrown a tantrum in public, but when we do, I will explain try to help him understand that screaming in the store is unacceptable behavior (to me) and that if he wants to scream in the car, that is fine.

I think this is a perfectly reasonable approach and I have a similar approach in my toolkit. I tell dd that people are trying to shop/eat/relax (whatever they're trying to do in the public place we're at) and they don't want to hear Rylee crying, so let's go someplace where Rylee can let out her feelings freely. I do think it's important to get someplace where she won't get sour looks for letting out her feelings. I believe those reactions from strangers make her feel self-concious to some degree and most of us adults end up suffering from too much self-conciousness. It's especially bad for girls...always trying to keep everyone happy. But honestly, I haven't had to use this approach in quite a while though because we can usually work through it without any screams by just playing it out with role reversal in the store/restaurant/wherever. I don't even get the strange looks I would expect when people see me pretending to cry and fuss. Instead, people usually seem intrigued by the approach when they see Rylee jump right into the mommy role.

For me, my biggest challenge comes when I, myself, am irritable. These are the times when I don't have the patience to deal with the tantrum in the way that I know works best for dd. Even if dh is around to take over, dd thinks she's done something wrong if I leave to take a breather and starts wailing much harder. I'm not given time to let out MY feelings. I've always got to be there for her when she starts to lose it, and that's really hard sometimes when I'm not in the right frame of mind.

-Di (mama to Rylee 11/25/01)