[babybugmama]

I feel like I'm losing it.

Everything is a struggle anymore. To get her clothes on, to change a diaper, to get her to do anything at all...even putting on a coat to go outside (which she loves being outside).

I don't want to have to take 30 minutes to change a diaper so that I can do it respectfully and in her time. I want to change the stupid thing and be done with it. I give her tons of choices, standing up; laying down; reading a book; playing with something interesting, etc.

And the screeching....It's something new and it's not in anger (well sometimes it is, but not often) it's more just screeching to get my attention. Like nails on a chalkboard for me. This one we are getting under control though...but it still gets me when she does it (inside, I don't react externally). I tried everything and finally what's worked is when she does do it I ignore it completely and totally. But then soon as she talks normal I talk about how much I love to talk and play with her and really emphasize how to get mama's attention in a gentle way. It seems to be working and we are both getting our needs met.

I have handled most of it I think rather well, until lately. I'm tired, I'm cranky, and frankly I think I'm depressed and it's making it nigh impossible to handle her when she makes things in toddler time.

She's skipping naps which is making the evenings hell. With constant crying and frustrations because she's overtired. I nurse her down and soon as I put her down she pops right back up. Nursing her in bed doesn't work, soon as I de-latch up she goes again.

I feel so out of sync and I feel like the worlds worst mother. I'm angry and tearful and I want to just hide. By the time she goes to bed at night I'm so exhausted I fall into bed and so I feel like I never get a chance to have some quiet time for me. I'm pretty introverted and I need that time to recharge and I'm just not getting it.

I don't even know what I'm looking for, I feel like I've tried an awful lot already. Some of which works other things don't. So, I'm afraid to ask for advice because I hate that "yeah I tried that, but...." response and I don't want to do that to people. She is such an amazing person, her language skills are astounding and I think she's very bright (and I don't think I'm just being a proud mama here)...she speaks in full sentences (7-8 word sentences) and just absorbs so much so damn fast it's scary! (and pleasing of course for mama). I think the reason why I say this to you all is because I think the intelligence is part of what's going on. I think also she requires a lot of attention from me and when she doesn't get that her behavior is abysmal, which makes sense right, negative attention is better than none at all. But wow! It is amazing how hands on I have to be with her. I find myself being overwhelmed and then not giving her as much as I should. Which makes me again feel like the worst mother in the world.

I've written a convoluted book that probably doesn't even make sense. I think I just needed to get this off my chest after the last battle. Thanks for listening.

 

[Destinye]

Just wanted to say I was feeling like that last week with my 11.5 mo old dd and so posted here too (nobody replied but writing it out helped!) I decided to try and relax, take things slower and give her more time and attention and things calmed down. Maybe it was just a change in perspective for me but it helped change the dynamic, sorry if this is not very practical advice but wanted to let you know you are not alone and I am sure everyone gets overwhelmed at times and feels like this.

Destinye

 

[babybugmama]

I'm sorry no one replied. I missed it, I come to the toddler section rather infrequently.

I posted a lot on collegemama's thread about needing to figure out a way to recharge myself because I think that's part of the problem...

thanks for your words.

 

[Destinye]

Quote:

Originally Posted by babybugmama I'm sorry no one replied. I missed it, I come to the toddler section rather infrequently. I posted a lot on collegemama's thread about needing to figure out a way to recharge myself because I think that's part of the problem... thanks for your words.

I do think recharging ourselves is important and have been trying to find a way to do this too! I love my DD dearly but am concerned I am going to find the toddler stage hard, so am trying to pre-empt this now! I am sure we all go through different phases and adjusments with our children as they go through phases, and sometime have to stop and reassess. I think a break is important too even if its only a hot bath on your own (not that this happens a lot for me but we can dream!).

Anyhow I am having a breast issue at the same time and looked it up in Louise Hay about the emotional causes of illness and it said "overnurturing and not nurturing self" or words to that effect.

 

[dziejen]

I am past those days with my youngest (we are on to bigger and better struggles

) but I remember feeling exactly as you describe. I found that recharging at night helped too and also found that getting out and doing things every day helped -- even if it was just taking her on a trip to the post office or the library -- changing scenery helped us get away from our struggles a bit.

 

[Ellien C]

I approach parenting from the continuum concept and another list I'm on talked about giving choices to toddlers. I know it's all the current advice to give them lots of choices - like do you want the blue shirt of the red shirt, but I think this might be confusing. As someone put it - kind of like when you go to the grocery store and they ask you "paper or plastic" and you're jeez - just bag the dang groceries, can't you see I've got a screaming kid who needs my attention? (ha ha).

It actually helps to release yourself from the outcome - you're not a bad mother is the diaper change isn't every 2 hours or there is no diaper on at all. You are not a bad mother if she goes out without a coat.

Here is an article from Mothering Magazine, actually:
http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html

 

[Ellien C]

I approach parenting from the continuum concept and another list I'm on talked about giving choices to toddlers. I know it's all the current advice to give them lots of choices - like do you want the blue shirt of the red shirt, but I think this might be confusing. As someone put it - kind of like when you go to the grocery store and they ask you "paper or plastic" and you're jeez - just bag the dang groceries, can't you see I've got a screaming kid who needs my attention? (ha ha).

It actually helps to release yourself from the outcome - you're not a bad mother is the diaper change isn't every 2 hours or there is no diaper on at all. You are not a bad mother if she goes out without a coat.

Here is an article from Mothering Magazine, actually:
http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html

and another one:
http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...ngHarmony.html

 

[babybugmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Destinye I do think recharging ourselves is important and have been trying to find a way to do this too! I love my DD dearly but am concerned I am going to find the toddler stage hard, so am trying to pre-empt this now! I am sure we all go through different phases and adjusments with our children as they go through phases, and sometime have to stop and reassess. I think a break is important too even if its only a hot bath on your own (not that this happens a lot for me but we can dream!). Anyhow I am having a breast issue at the same time and looked it up in Louise Hay about the emotional causes of illness and it said "overnurturing and not nurturing self" or words to that effect.

Good words Destinye...I miss hot baths. The only way that would happen is after dd's bed time. Unfortunately she has her dad's consititution and does not need much sleep. (I probably need almost as much as her!)

 

[babybugmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dziejen I am past those days with my youngest (we are on to bigger and better struggles ) but I remember feeling exactly as you describe. I found that recharging at night helped too and also found that getting out and doing things every day helped -- even if it was just taking her on a trip to the post office or the library -- changing scenery helped us get away from our struggles a bit.

I have found myself naturally doing this...going out more I mean. And it does help, you're right. I find she does so much better when we are out in public. I guess I should thank my lucky stars for that! :LOL

What did you do when you were so tired that you couldn't have time to recharge before passing out from exhaustion?

 

[babybugmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellien C I approach parenting from the continuum concept and another list I'm on talked about giving choices to toddlers. I know it's all the current advice to give them lots of choices - like do you want the blue shirt of the red shirt, but I think this might be confusing. As someone put it - kind of like when you go to the grocery store and they ask you "paper or plastic" and you're jeez - just bag the dang groceries, can't you see I've got a screaming kid who needs my attention? (ha ha). It actually helps to release yourself from the outcome - you're not a bad mother is the diaper change isn't every 2 hours or there is no diaper on at all. You are not a bad mother if she goes out without a coat. Here is an article from Mothering Magazine, actually: http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html and another one: http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...ngHarmony.html

Actually when it comes to dressing I don't usually give her choices about what to wear, but more about how we are going to get dressed. She can stand up or lay down...that kind of thing. I agree about the groceries :LOL and I think I have felt that way when I have given dd too many choices. So if I give choices I try to keep them to 2 or 3 (at the most...and that's when it's food choices). The diaper change thing...honestly I have let that go alot...but it has to be changed when it's poopy. She gets diaper rash badly. We've started working on potty training and she loves wearing panties. But naptime and night time have to be diapers. And frankly she's no where near potty training...tons of accidents.

Anyway, thanks for the words, I will go check out those links.

 

[canadiangranola]

HI,
I don't really have any advice for you, as we have not yet reached that age...but here's what I have noticed helps me when I am feeling teary and depressed...and as a result not coping well and feeling guilty.

Go out. For an hour, even half an hour...take a book and go sit in a coffee shop and have coffee. Let dh take care of her, or someone else you trust. I can't believe how even an hour to myself can change my whole outlook/perspective on life.

Take a nap. If she won't nap, book a saturday afternnon with a baby sitter or dh and sleep. I don't know if you co-sleep, but I have found an astoundign difference in the quality of sleep I get when I am free of the responsibility to take care of ds. I don't have to listen for his call if I know he is with dh, and I rest. Really rest.

Go easy on yourself. It is winter. Lots of people get depressed in the winter. It is cold and grey and we miss the sun. And we feel cooped up and so do our children. Maybe find an indoor playground for her to run around in ad blow off some steam.

So, i guess I do have advice, even though I said I didn't. My advice may not change your daughter's behavious, but I jsut find that changing my attitude towards the challenging behaviours and the little being who is doing them is half the battle.

Peace mama. Be gentle with yourself and your dd.

 

[Trini girl]

i have the same prob with my dd. she just turned 2. and it's like she instantly became a different child! she whines and whines for anything. if she wants some water it's a whine or a cry. she used to be very good in public but not anymore. if i don't check on her (get down and look into her eyes to see how she's doing) every 15 mins or so she gets whiny. i'm also at my wits end. thankfully dh is off till the end of the week so i've been delegating pretty much everything to him.
going outside makes a bit of a difference for us although if she's in a crappy mood sometimes it does nada. but i don't drive so we're on the bus and train for at least an hour to get to the park. by the time we get there she's tired.
what i've started doing is lots of crafts, painting and whatnot with her. lots of reading too. she loves when i read to her. or we'd go outside and try out her trike which always makes her very tired. it's tons of work and i get very stressed and sometimes take it out on dh. thankfully he understands when i'm bitchy.
hang in there, you are definitely not alone.

 

[CajunMama]

I agree that taking a coffee break makes a huge difference! Also a hot bath with lots of bubbles, a great book, and a glass of wine really will recharge your nerves. I've done that at 1am after DS is finally asleep and it still helps.

to you mama

 

[captain optimism]

I am facing some of this. First, I lost my job. Twice. So now I'm a SAHM, officially. My dh is home, looking for work, so my life is pretty easy. but I'm not totally used to baby time being my time full time. I was the weekend, early morning and evening mommy. So there's that.

Also my ds is finally starting to be Mr. Toddlerman. He's a lot less verbal than your daughter, babybugmama, but he's started to be a lot more willful and a lot more demanding.

I am developing rituals to use during the day like I had for evening and early morning. I am also changing my evening and morning rituals to accomodate the fact that nursing no longer solves every problem.

When we do a diaper change, I offer the treat of getting to press the buttons on the CD player in the bedroom before each one. So that goes a bit faster. I also offer him a wipe to wipe himself. (He always wipes the front, why do you think that is? :LOL)

After breakfast and dinner we do dishes together. In the morning we sweep the floor together. Yes, lately it seems we do a lot of cleaning. If you give him a sponge he will wipe everything! I do have to read a lot of books to him. He always wants to read. Very funny, he wants to read his books and also any of our books he can!

Okay I mainly am not so cranky I realize. But it is crazy to try to even go to the grocery store with someone you have to chase to get the shoes on. Every transition is so tough--sometimes he wants to skip his bath, which while he's in it is his favorite. He won't get it together to go outside, which you know he loves. I just am not used to it, and it's taking some adjustment. I think I'm better at getting him to do things quickly than my dh was, but I still feel you on the toddler time thing!

 

[Ellien C]

Quote:

Originally Posted by babybugmama Unfortunately she has her dad's consititution and does not need much sleep. (I probably need almost as much as her!)

Me too! She sleeps from like 9:00 pm to 6:00 am. The same hours I sleep! At day care she takes a 2-2.5 hour nap. But for me, I'm lucky if she'll go down for an hour - and then we have to be lying down with her. I really feel for you. The whole concept of after the child is in bed has never happened at our house. And I've been known to fall asleep with her still "orbiting."

 

[4Marmalade]

All I can say is that I completely understand. Ds is 26 months and has been exactly like you describe for the past 2 weeks. I have no advice...only empathy. I know how frustrating it is. Getting out of the house used to be a great option for us but the past 3 mornings it has taken ds 2-3 hours to get a diaper change and get dressed. And 15 minutes after that's done he poops and we have to start all over again. After that it's already time for lunch and nap. I feel like I spend 3-4 hours a day trying to convince ds to get a diaper change or get dressed. We've tried games, choices, consequences (can't go outside if we don't get dressed), being firm, talking about the potty and no more diapers, etc... Nothing seems to phase him.

Oh yah, we're also in the midst of a throwing stage so are strugging with that as well. Somedays I need a whole lot more patience then I woke up with.

 

[babybugmama]

Karen

Well maybe we can give each other ideas. Today standing up to change diapers seems to have helped for me with that particular battle.

Overall the last two days has been better. I think in part it has been a slight attitude change on my part. I put her to bed in "street clothes" last night rather than battle to change to jammies. But we did change into sweats (which is my version of jammies anyway) and she was cool with that. I think I've found if I can speed up the neccessary evil she is easier to work with.

Anyway,

to all of us

 

[Ellien C]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mama to one the past 3 mornings it has taken ds 2-3 hours to get a diaper change and get dressed. And 15 minutes after that's done he poops and we have to start all over again. After that it's already time for lunch and nap. I feel like I spend 3-4 hours a day trying to convince ds to get a diaper change or get dressed.

Honestly, I'm hearing this a lot with Moms who have boys. It really is a developmental or personality phase. One of my friends with a boy described this same situation. Two of us with girls just looked and said - no we got ready to go and went. Then the mother of the boy laughed and said "I'll be doing the laughing when you two are dealing with 13 year old girls and I have a boy!" And she's right you know. We moms of girls just groaned.