[northcountrymamma]

So I don't really know where this goes, but I need to get it out somehow...<br>
Be warned...it's going to be a long story...<br><br>
So when i was pg with dd at 38 wks I found out I had ITP (thrombocytopenia - where your blood platelets attack themselves and clotting becomes an issue).<br>
Her birth quickly went from a free standing birth clinic birth in the water, to a highly medicalized event...it was traumatic and the story is long...(almost as long as the labour - 42hrs) but I've long since dealt with that loss.<br><br>
And having dealt with that loss, a divorce and finding the love of my life and living in perfect happy harmony, we decided that now may be a good time to try to get pg. however, we knew that since the ITP is still with me...it isn't serious but it's an auto-immune disorder and didn't go away after pg as it often does...oh yes, so since knowing that, we knew that we would have to have a baby in the hospital but we could potentially use a midwife (we are in cda). So we are getting all prepared for this and I do a cleanse, go off coffee, you know, get healthy...and then I start having these intense cramps and having always had intense heavy bleeding...the two coupled together turn into a few dr. visits and a dx of endometriosis and fibroids. Great...but worse yet, they become quite concerned about my concept of getting pg because of the ITP and refer me to a specialist. The specialist tells me that not only would I have to have the baby in the hospital, but I would have to go to a high risk hospital about 2 hours from our house. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br>
All this said...then they decide that they should actually be screening me for Lupus because I have a certain number of risk factors and I should do everything possible to try NOT to get pregnant right now.<br><br>
So I tell my partner this and well...he decides that this is all too much and he doesnt think he is strong enough to do this. We have had many talks but we finally decided (me quite begrudgingly) that we wouldn't have a child because of the risks.<br><br>
So I am basically mourning right now. I don't know what to think or what to do next...I just wanted for us to have a baby together...we have such a beautiful happy and peaceful family and I wanted so badly to bring a baby into our wonderful home. Our dd is almost 6 and I just felt like everything would fall into place perfectly right now...<br><br>
I am crushed. Him and I have talked so much about this, he really just doesn;t have anything left to say about it. I am burdening his emotional well being by constantly bringing it up and I need to find another system for support. (don't get me wrong, if I need to talk to him, I can...I just want to find another perspective).<br><br>
I don't know if this should go here, but I don't know where it should go.<br>
I am grieving, I am worried about my health and I am concerned that this will cause resentment in my relationship.<br><br>
....

 

[MaerynPearl]

are you at all okay with the idea of a surrogate mother using your own egg and his sperm?<br><br>
I know you do not get the joys of pregnancy, but neither the risks and in all senses they would still be your biological child.

 

[northcountrymamma]

actually we haven't even thought of alternatives at this point...we are still just trying to absorb.<br><br>
But I don't know. I mean, maybe that would be something we would consider. I think DP is just so worried that he could lose me...and then would maybe lose dd as a result b/c he is not her BioD. So it would be something he may consider...I just seriously love everything about pregnancy and birth...it is such a loss to consider not doing it again.<br><br>
how difficult and costly is having a surrogate?

 

[Carolyn R]

To clarify, are the doctors saying you should not get pregnant right now until they do the lupus testing, or that you shouldn't get pregnant at all, ever?<br><br>
Is is possible that if the lupus testing came back negative and the doctors were okaying a pregnancy (still saying you must go to the high-risk hospital, etc) that you could revisit the pregnany debate with your partner?<br><br>
I feel like it is too important of a decision for your partner to make for both of you...he needs to consider your feelings/desires as well, and not just let his fear stand in the way.<br><br>
My approach would be to continue to be as healthy as possible, prevent a pregnancy for right now, and without burdening your husband or pestering, just state "I don't feel ready to give up on the idea of another baby yet. Let's give this a few months, wait for some test results, then discuss again."<br><br>
Hoping you have a peaceful resolution and some good news from the doctors.

 

[northcountrymamma]

Thank you Carolyn,<br>
I agree, it is too big of a decision to have my partner make on his own...and I am sure we will revisit the conversation once we get test results back and have some time on our side where our whole lives haven't completely revolved around talking about getting pregnant.<br><br>
The doctors are really torn on what I should do, half of them say that while I could if I wanted to, that the risk at this point may not be something I want to try. Others say that the prognosis should be good. But for right now, we were told to definitely try to NOT get pregnant.<br><br>
The doctor I most trust, while not a true medical doctor, my naturopath, was the one who most highly recommended that we not get pregnant unless my platelets returned to normal levels, which they have once during the past 6 years and then gone back down. She wanted to see them stabilize but we have been working on that for what feels like forever.<br><br>
I'm working on accepting that whichever direction this whole thing takes...trusting it will be the right direction for our family.

 

[BirthFree]

By cda do you mean Idaho?<br><br>
A surrogate cost and difficulty in find one depends if you go through an organization/business or not. You would want to have legal counsel to draw up a clear contract of course also. I don't know exacts, but the range is far and large. It's not impossible!<br><br>
Big hugs. I'm sorry to hear about the struggle you are going through, I would feel the same way.