[veggiemomma]

My Sister-in-Law are generally very civil to each other, and have even formed a relationship that is something akin to a friendship, although I would not exactly call it that.

Before I whine (please forgive me in advance) about seeing her tomorrow evening, I must preface the story with the information that she is a coordinator for a local day care. She has taken her son to daycare since he was 6 weeks old. (Also note that she takes him to a daycare where she does not work so that he won't "bother" her while she is working.

: )

They (dh's b and his wife) have always known our feelings about daycare, and that I plan to homeschool our children when the time is right. It has been such a source of contention that we all agreed not to bring up the subject.

As I mentioned in a recent post, dh's aunt has now asked me to help her homeschool her son starting in the fall. As you can imagine, my bil and sil are (to use a southern term) "fit to be tied."

So, I have all day tomorrow to prepare myself for the irrational spewage of her "daycare doctrine" that I must endure at "family night." Accordingly to her, I brainwashed dh's aunt into thinking that public school is bad. Hmmm....I think she figured it out for herself since her son was barely promoted to 1st grade this year.

I try my very best not to push my beliefs on anybody. I try to "live and let live" even though I want to cry every time I think of her baby in daycare. Why must I be in the wrong because I want to spend all the time I can with my children? Why must I be berated because I don't want my daughter to be sexually assaulted at school or because I want my son to learn and excel on his level?

I am not sure what I am looking for here...just venting, I guess. And trying to figure out how to get through the evening without telling her just what she can do with her daycare AND her precious public school (I must continue to set a good example for my little ones, ya know!)

 

[melissel]

That totally stinks

My standard line on stuff like this (and fortunately, I have only had to use it a few times, usually with my mom) is, "Thanks, but this is really not up for discussion right now." Said very politely, of course, but it does include walking away if any ugliness ensues. You're not going to change her mind, and she's not going to change yours. She's not really interested in your opinions or research, so what's the point in talking about it?

I hope it doesn't go as badly as you fear. And good for you for helping out DH's aunt and cousin!

 

[Rivka5]

Quote:

Originally Posted by veggiemomma I try my very best not to push my beliefs on anybody. I try to "live and let live" even though I want to cry every time I think of her baby in daycare. Why must I be in the wrong because I want to spend all the time I can with my children? Why must I be berated because I don't want my daughter to be sexually assaulted at school or because I want my son to learn and excel on his level?

Based on this paragraph, my guess is that you're not doing as good a job of being nonjudgmental as you think you are, and that this is contributing to her defensiveness. I mean, do you actually think that schooling parents do want their daughters to be sexually assaulted at school?

Honestly, if someone in my family "wanted to cry" every time she thought of my poor baby trapped in a sling (or whatever is comparable), I would be able to tell. And, although I'm not proud of this, I would probably be more likely to bring up aspects of her parenting that I disagreed with, sort of in self-defense.

It does sound like "Family Night" is no fun in your family, but I feel as sorry for your SIL as I do for you.

 

[elizawill]

if she brings it up (even though you have all established to not discuss it) then i would kindly ask her to research homeschooling. tell her that it is only fair if she wants to debate homeschooling, then she should first spend as much time as you have researching the subject. if she does this, than you two can have a nice long talk.

it amazes me that people think we, as parents, just choose to homeschool our children on a whim....as if we never actually looked into it beforehand and researched it from every aspect. i think your SIL feels so defensive about your choice because she is going such a completely different route than you are....perhaps she feels by saying you wanting to homeschool is "okay" ...that somehow she is saying her choice is not "okay". i dunno. when you speak to her, i would try not to put down daycares too much, as those statements will be very offensive to her and will make her even more closed minded. she probably takes a lot of pride in her work (and rightly so - i'm sure it is a very difficult job) so i would be careful not to put her down in that arena

just my opinion though.

 

[Ruthla]

Not all babies do poorly in daycare. If the mama is so "out of tune" with her baby that she doesn't want her baby around, wouldn't that baby do better with loving caregivers? Even if the mama isn't "out of tune" with her baby, but needs a lot of time to herself to be mentally healthy, doesn't the whole family benefit when mama gets that space?

This isn't a case of "my way is right and your way is wrong." You've chosen what's best for your family; they've chosen what's best for theirs. Keeping that in mind might help you let go of some of that "hidden judgementalism" that's causing so much tension.

 

[thomlynn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by elizawill itell her that it is only fair if she wants to debate homeschooling, then she should first spend as much time as you have researching the subject. if she does this, than you two can have a nice long talk.

I'm using that!!!!

 

[ellebelle]

I agree with pps that your post doesn't give the impression that you are actually giving the impression of a live-and-let-live philosophy on this issue. But, giving the benefit of the doubt here, even if you are, she may simply be defensive as a reaction to your lifestyle being so different than hers. I think boundaries may be necessary.

Have you seen the "bean dip" blog entry from the Happy Homeschooler? It is a great technique for setting boundaries with people who oppose your decisions.

http://happyhomeschooler.blog-city.com/bean_dip.htm

One of my favs. Check it out.

Ellen
Wife to G, homeschooling mom to ds13, ds11, dd7

 

[UUMom]

She may have her baby at a different day care than the one she works at because she might not be able to work as effectively if her child sees her all day and wants her. That could be hard on a child as well. She is getting paid to care for other people's children in a professional setting, so it might not be that she doesn't want to be around her child, but that she couldn't do her job the way her students' parents expect her to if she is torn between him wanting her, and her doing her work? I am assuming she's not running a program out of her home?

 

[veggiemomma]

Okay, first of all, she is an event coordinator at a chain daycare, not in charge of any child care, but I digress...

Secondly, I don't say anything disparaging to her or any other members of our collective family (besides dh) about daycare or public school. My usual side of the discussion is "homeschool will work for us, just as public school will work for you." and leave it at that.

Thirdly, everyone has to be "judgemental" or no one would ever be able to make a decision. EVERYBODY has to judge what is right and not right for his or her family. I never said that I try not to be judgemental. I am sorry if I gave that impression. I am VERY judgemental. And proud of it. I judge everyday what is appropriate for my kids to watch on TV, who they play with, the places my dh and I should frequent. I said that I tried not to "push" my decisions onto others. I have never said anything to her about her decisions.

Wait, I just remembered that I don't have to defend myself. You all will not JUDGE me, right?

JK!

Thanks for the link and for the critique!

 

[veggiemomma]

BTW, family night was wonderful because no one made any mention of school at all.

 

[muttix2]

Yay

My SILs don't agree with hsing at all, especially if *I'm* the one doing it

It used to really, really bother me. I'd get all in a tizzy and just be a general pain in the butt b/c of it. I finally discovered the secret (said in a booming infomerical voice

)

Ignore them.

Last time we had "the discussion" where I was questioned repeatedly, told things I already knew, and heard some of the most base ignorant statements (HOW will they learn to SOCIALIZE???) I just IGNORED IT. Ohhhh, were they upset. But they couldn't get majorly upset b/c part of their passive aggressive control is the fact that I would get upset and look like I was losing it for nothing in front of dh. He'd think I was overreacting and they'd play into that. This time, I kept my cool. I gave a few words but basically, I had no intent to educate. I've given them the link to our homeschool blog. I've mentioned in the past that I have researched for YEARS and that I am not interested in mashing all my years of research into a nice, tidy paragraph for them. If they don't want to expand their horizons, fine. I shrugged at them and smiled at their ignorance and you know what?

They shut up.

Ah, the wonderful, beautiful, FABULOUS silence.

Not to say that they won't still try to fight it, they will. But this way, I don't get the clench in my gut when I wonder if I should memorize statistics so that I can "back up my decisions".

In the end, they are your children, your decisions, so take comfort in that. I know I do

 

[homewithtwinsmama]

For future reference use the Bean Dip technique. SIL goes off and you ask for the bean dip, gee that bean dip is so good, I simply must get the recipe for that bean dip. It drives them into silent frustration. You can use any thing present at the encounter (if you don't routinely serve bean dip). I love to bean dip my dh's less understanding family members.

 

[muttix2]

Yes, bean dip.

We weren't eating or even drinking when the questioning began so I wasn't able to do anything but ignore/blow off/change the subject. But if the bean dip is near, that gives the same effect as doing the above

They just can't handle it and implode.

 

[lilyka]

the way I uually handle this sort of things (besides passing the bean dip) is to turn all the attention on the accuser. people like attention. lets face it.

if she brings up school shrug your shoulders, tell her you love it and things are going swell and ask her to fill you in on all the details of her life (not in a judgmental way but in a hey, this is exciting i want to know more way) Ask how you sweet little niece/nephew is doing . . any new tricks . . . anything exciting coming up?. . . .where did you get that adorable outfit for her? . . . find stupid non controversial parenting question to ask or ask for her expert opinion on something regarding daycares like "do you think age segregated classrooms or mixed age classrooms are better? I don't know how I feel . . ." doesn't matter because you will never be using daycare so you can listen intently to all her opinions on it. Also ask her how work is going and be interested in her answer. yes this is boring and not a lot of fun but it beats being a target.

Another option is to make sure there is an activity planned like cooking or crafting. then you can all talk about the activity instead of all the things you disagree on. if anything starts in you can move on to something more neutral like "look at how silly so and so is in this picture" or "oh my goodness I am out of baking soda and must run right away to get some . . . ." or "taste this"

watching a movie is god.

another thing that helps is to vow to not be defensive about it. she isn't going to change her mind so don't bother. you don't have to worry that you are encouraging her to carry on because it sounds like she is going to do it anyway. So thank her for her concern, tell her that is an interesting perspective and that you will remember that when making your decision about whatever. That way she feels heard and doesn't need to keep trying to convince you.

if you and other SIL need to talk about homeschooling i think it is best you save that as a conversation between just the two of you.

 

[UUMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by veggiemomma Okay, first of all, she is an event coordinator at a chain daycare, not in charge of any child care, but I digress... Secondly, I don't say anything disparaging to her or any other members of our collective family (besides dh) about daycare or public school. My usual side of the discussion is "homeschool will work for us, just as public school will work for you." and leave it at that. Thirdly, everyone has to be "judgemental" or no one would ever be able to make a decision. EVERYBODY has to judge what is right and not right for his or her family. I never said that I try not to be judgemental. I am sorry if I gave that impression. I am VERY judgemental. And proud of it. I judge everyday what is appropriate for my kids to watch on TV, who they play with, the places my dh and I should frequent. I said that I tried not to "push" my decisions onto others. I have never said anything to her about her decisions. Wait, I just remembered that I don't have to defend myself. You all will not JUDGE me, right? JK! Thanks for the link and for the critique!

: Wow, you know you just dismissed the lives of any woman who ever had a job she loved.

No research supports that quaility child care has a negative affect on children. In fact, a woman's income increases the quality of life for her family.

It's one thing to make a choice to be home with your own children, it's something else entirely to blow off women who choose work and children.

I think she does know you are judging her so harshly, and it's to her credit she didn't bite your judging head off at family night.

And I thought for sure we were going to hear woeful tales of how sad/mean/neglected/shy/wild her day care child was at family night compared to your children.

Let's just judge judge judge women for having working lives.

Geesh, I am a SAHM right now, but I honestly know some great families who use childcare. When women have freedom to choose the lives they want, their children benefit.

 

[elizawill]

:

 

[veggiemomma]

Umm...okay, I don't have any idea what you are talking about.

If you are referring to the first line, it was in response to the question of whether or not she was responsible for caring for children at the daycare where she works. I was answering a question, not being snippy.

Perhaps you are as sensitive about working mothers as I am about homeschooling, no?

:

I meant no trash to working mothers. I am deeply sorry for any implication of such. If it wasn't for the loving support of me dh, I would be a working mother, too. My mother was a working mother and a lot of my friends are working mothers. My SIL OPENLY and LOUDLY disses me for my choices. Are you saying that the only reason she is openly yucky to me about the way I raise my children is because she can "feel my judgement?" I highly doubt that.

As per your comment about expecting me to say ugly things about her baby...I love him and he is a wonderful child. But thank you for prematurely saddling me with your expectations. Sorry I didn't live up to your substandards. (Sorry to be snarky, but I think you intended this comment to be snarky toward me)

Further, I do feel bad for her baby who cannot be rocked to sleep by his momma for his naps, whose momma only gets to spend 3 waking hours a day with him. I feel bad for his momma who misses out on those things, too. Should I not feel bad because that is too judgemental of working mothers? What is it that you are wanting me to say?

 

[UUMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by veggiemomma Umm...okay, I don't have any idea what you are talking about. If you are referring to the first line, it was in response to the question of whether or not she was responsible for caring for children at the daycare where she works. I was answering a question, not being snippy. Perhaps you are as sensitive about working mothers as I am about homeschooling, no? : I meant no trash to working mothers. I am deeply sorry for any implication of such. If it wasn't for the loving support of me dh, I would be a working mother, too. My mother was a working mother and a lot of my friends are working mothers. My SIL OPENLY and LOUDLY disses me for my choices. Are you saying that the only reason she is openly yucky to me about the way I raise my children is because she can "feel my judgement?" I highly doubt that. As per your comment about expecting me to say ugly things about her baby...I love him and he is a wonderful child. But thank you for prematurely saddling me with your expectations. Sorry I didn't live up to your substandards. (Sorry to be snarky, but I think you intended this comment to be snarky toward me) Further, I do feel bad for her baby who cannot be rocked to sleep by his momma for his naps, whose momma only gets to spend 3 waking hours a day with him. I feel bad for his momma who misses out on those things, too. Should I not feel bad because that is too judgemental of working mothers? What is it that you are wanting me to say?

I don't 'want' you to say anything. I get that you think working women don't care about their babies, or don't rock their babies, and that your SIL is so selfish that she doesn't want her baby at the same day care she works at.

 

[veggiemomma]

I was not talking about working woman. I was talking about my SIL. You don't know her. I said she had a "daycare doctrine" and she does. She believes all kids need to go to daycare and preschool and that all mothers should "get off their lazy *sses and go to work." I could not possibly write all the things that she has said about her baby. I did write that she wanted him to go to a different daycare so he would not "bother" her. I know that she calls everyone in the family to get them to watch the baby when she is off of work because she says he is "too irritating" and because she and her husband want to drink all night and can't stand to hear the baby crying the next morning when they are hung over. (She told me this in an effort to get me to keep her 5 month old son all weekend - and I kept him because I did not want him to be ignored or neglected. Was that too judgemental of me?)

Please don't make generalizations about the things I wrote. I disagree with her not because she works or uses daycare. I disagree with her because she is selfish (you are correct, I do think she is selfish). You are the one that turned this into something against working women.

If any working mothers read this and were offended, I am extremely and sincerely sorry. Please accept my apologies and know that I think you are all super women! I stay home and can't get the housework done or keep up with the laundry. I don't know how you do all the things that you do!

 

[UUMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by veggiemomma I was not talking about working woman. I was talking about my SIL. You don't know her. I said she had a "daycare doctrine" and she does. She believes all kids need to go to daycare and preschool and that all mothers should "get off their lazy *sses and go to work." I could not possibly write all the things that she has said about her baby. I did write that she wanted him to go to a different daycare so he would not "bother" her. I know that she calls everyone in the family to get them to watch the baby when she is off of work because she says he is "too irritating" and because she and her husband want to drink all night and can't stand to hear the baby crying the next morning when they are hung over. (She told me this in an effort to get me to keep her 5 month old son all weekend - and I kept him because I did not want him to be ignored or neglected. Was that too judgemental of me?) Please don't make generalizations about the things I wrote. I disagree with her not because she works or uses daycare. I disagree with her because she is selfish (you are correct, I do think she is selfish). You are the one that turned this into something against working women. If any working mothers read this and were offended, I am extremely and sincerely sorry. Please accept my apologies and know that I think you are all super women! I stay home and can't get the housework done or keep up with the laundry. I don't know how you do all the things that you do!

I believe you. She's a selfish working bitch. Aren't they all?