Mothering Forum banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
158 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Soooo....can a child become too attached? My heart tells me that a child needs to be with their Mama/parents - that is the most important thing for them. I got unsolicited advice today from MIL saying that my ds needs to spend more time away from me & with other children. I tend to disagree but thought I would check in here. I admit he hasn't been away from us much...but mostly b/c of his needs / desires. We try to listen & meet his emotional needs. We've never left him with anyone other than family (which are long distance so it's occasional) & one good set of friends who used to live near us but now we have moved away ~3mos ago. We don't know anyone here well enough for any of us to be comfortable leaving him with. We don't do preschool nor am I sure if I want to do any compulsory schooling - as I am seriously considering homeschooling. We are active with playdates & other outings with kids with me there. So much that sometimes I try to cutback b/c he says he prefers just to be & play with me & his younger sister. He is a homebody but does well with one or two other kids...it's just hard to get him out the door. I feel that he does well socially though & is not lacking & definitely doesn't need daycare or school etc to show him how to be like everyone else...He is very strong willed & when we have tried to do activities without me he refused (swim lessons / gymnastics). when I ask him if he would like to go to a day camp for kids his age for 2 hrs in the AM he says only if his sister & I can go too. I would like to honor his needs -even though he is 2 weeks shy of being 4 I feel like he knows what is best for him - is this crazy thinking? Am I right for respecting his thoughts & trying to honor his needs & requests or should I push him out of his comfort zone?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,403 Posts
My MIL has said similar things, though not much anymore. My DH was in full-time school from age 3 and MIL wasn't around all that much when he was growing up.<br><br>
Your DS is very young--I think it's perfectly normal that he's not ready for activities without you yet. My DS has just gotten to the stage where he is interested in doing that (a little bit--not day camp or anything long). He also is a bit of a homebody, very strong willed and does better with a child or two rather than a big group. He's happy, sociable and loves being with his parents and other family members. And how sweet that your DS loves his little sister so much. He is benefitting from being so attached to his family. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
828 Posts
Your little guy sounds fine to me....and sweet. He will go out and explore when he is ready for it. One day you will be wishing he would be at home more<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> My daughter is the opposite... I mean she loves us and likes to be around us but she also is feeling the "pull" of socializing now and never looks back if we take her to the Ikea playground. I mean I am not ready for her to leave the nest but she certainly is<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">: Your ds sounds a bit like my friends son.....he also prefers to be around his family and is not ready to go out there yet......but I dont think this will be a problem when he is a teenager kwim?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,285 Posts
I totally agree with the pps. Just wanted to add that, when I was reading this, I was thinking, ok, if he were an adult and, say, wanted to be home a lot, to only socialize with one or two friends and, say, didn't want to participate in group activities without his life partner, would we think that was weird? I don't think so. So, if an adult not wanting to "fly solo" so to speak, is ok, then I think a child with the same wants/needs is absolutely fine.<br><br>
I always try to remember what Dr. Sears says, that a need that is honored and filled will go away in time, while one that is ignored just causes more problems later.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
158 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you all for validating my feelings. I try to listen to my heart in matters of parenting. It can be a real challenge when the world around you seems to disagree on what's best for your child! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I know I don't follow "mainstream" thinking nor that of my parents or in laws but can't help to question what I am doing when MIL says I need to be firm & act like the parent & force ds into situations he is not ready for. This just doesn't make sense to me! I know she doesn't appreciate my mothering tactics but I don't agree with hers either. I just wish she'd stop sharing hers & criticizing mine <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: Usually I'm not so affected by others input but she doesn't usually talk beyond surface talk so this is a bit more personal to me I guess.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Dena</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11612160"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">a need that is honored and filled will go away in time, while one that is ignored just causes more problems later.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
thank you for that - I agree that the more love I can give them the better - that is what they need -<br><br>
dd needs me...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Listen to him and not anyone else. Every child is different. My 4.5 ds prefers to be out, so we go outdoors a lot. The most important thing is to meet his needs and not anybody else. He sounds sweet and happy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
925 Posts
DD is only a few weeks younger and we have a similar childcare and school situation to yours. DD is fine when we have left her with MIL or our good friends. She's happy and well adjusted. I don't think there's any reason to worry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
347 Posts
I'll just add that my almost 5.5 year old DS doesn't want to do activities away from me still. (I am noticing a developing independence; for example he will run ahead with friends when we are hiking.) He also has several friends his age who feel the same way. I think it's a completely developmentally appropriate and I trust that he won't be 16 and asking me to go on his date with him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top