[CollegeMama]

Anyone else have this problem. I hear that having a rich fantasy life can help spice things up in the bedroom, but I struggle! I start out just fine, but then I try to put too many details in there, What kind of man is he, what does he do for a living? Does he like children? Would he like my child? What about DH? I can't fantasize that he's left me or that he's died or something; what if that comes true? Maybe I can pretend that DS is fantasy man's and my child. What am I doing thinking about my child at a time like this? ARGH!

See what I mean. It's nearly impossible for me to fantasize! Can anyone relate? Can anyone help me stop the madness? :LOL

 

[sunnmama]

From a woman with *no* problem in the fantasy dept....

Maybe you just have to be more "excited" when you begin the fantasy? Wait until you are getting "warmer" and go from there?
I find that I am far less concerned about little details such as dd and dh when I am all hot and bothered :LOL

 

[Jenne]

Can you fantasize on your own? This helped me learn to do it while coupled (pun intended

) I have, over the years, been able to close my eyes and use fantasies I've already, ehm, "practiced"

Also, because of the previous familiarity I am assured, ehm, "success"

Maybe some double blind, empircal single subject multiple outcome design studies are in order? (No, not analytical or cerebral here

)

Happy Holidays,

Jenne

 

[Irishmommy]

I have to figure out about dh and the kids too, kinda spoils it!

 

[CollegeMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenne Can you fantasize on your own? This helped me learn to do it while coupled (pun intended ) I have, over the years, been able to close my eyes and use fantasies I've already, ehm, "practiced" Also, because of the previous familiarity I am assured, ehm, "success" Maybe some double blind, empircal single subject multiple outcome design studies are in order? (No, not analytical or cerebral here ) Happy Holidays, Jenne

Ack, ack! Flashbacks to a few weeks ago in my History of Psych class!

This is the problem...I'm talking about when I'm by myself. Hmmm....that might be the problem though, I'm not totally in the mood, so therefore I'm easily distracted.

Now I feel silly.

 

[homemademomma]

yeah, i always have to figure out about dh & ds

 

[CollegeMama]

Thanks Homemademama! I feel a bit better now.

I guess it's also a major part about what I'm attracted to in another person. Do they like kids, do they do something for a living that doesn't make me want to hurl, etc. Wonder why I can't get into the nameless, faceless dude.

 

[SirPentor]

Now, I'm a dude and anecdotally that means I fantasize more. However, I run into the same problems you do when fantasizing--what happens with the wife and kiddos? A couple things I do:

• Imagine that I am in highschool or college. For some reason, the high-school girls in my fantasies like this are way more developed than any girl I knew in highschool--almost like in their late 20s. Hmmm. Also, they seem to like me a lot more...
• Imagine my wife doing crazy things that I want to fantasize about.
• I also imagine that my wife and I never met sometimes. I don't like this one as much but it facilitates a more fully-fledged fantasy. But I usually don't feel very good about this one.

As an aside, to my knowledge my wife doesn't (sexually) fantasize about anything. Is that odd?

 

[Arwyn]

How about fantazising YOU'RE different? You're someone else entirely? Then you're not cheating, you don't have to figure out about kids, because it isn't you...

 

[captain optimism]

Why do you have to fantasize, again?

It's not too terrible to be where you are while you are there.

 

[SirPentor]

A fine point, Captain. I actually don't fantasize while I'm "with" my wife. Well, I suppose I sometimes think "man, it would awesome if she did _blank_ right now" but I don't consider that fantasizing.

I've read that fantasizing is healthy and can be fun. I've also read it is from the devil. I've also read that some people like to and some people don't. For me it helps me get in touch with what turns me on, which in turn helps me enjoy sex more. It's basically a "if you know what you like, then you will have more fun" concept.

Anyway, we don't need to fantasize. We should enjoy where who and where we are. But that doesn't mean that shouldn't fantasize. I fantasize about all sorts of things--sexual and not. I fantasize about doing awesome at work. I fantasize about being a super-hero. I'd consider myself a pretty content guy, but I fantasize constantly.

 

[China white]

Ummm............just the opposite problem here.

I have become so immensed in my 'fantasy' that my husband has been known to stop in his tracks and say,"Quick, what's my name?" Which would be funny in and of itself, if I didn't have to seriously think about the answer ~ John's a pretty simple name to remember ........how bad is that?

:

 

[CollegeMama]

China - :LOL That's funny!

Captain - Yes, I see your point, but I'm not talking about fantasizing while I'm with my DH, I'm talking about when I'm not with him. That's when I have the trouble. I have no need for fantasies when I'm physically with him. It's just that using your imagination on off times is supposed to increase your drive. Sort of like reading romance novels, only I can't stand romance novels because the writing is so horrible (generally speaking, of course.)

SirPentor - No, I don't think your wife is odd. She just may not need it to get arosed. Since having my son, my drive hasn't been what it used to be.

Thanks for your input and encouragement. Those are great ideas.

Arwyn - that's an idea. I've never fantasized that I'm someone completely different. Hmm....

 

[talktomenow]

Okay, don't think I'm too silly, but couldn't you just fantasize about your dp?

That's what I do. No need to figure out where dp and the kids went, etc. Plus, I kinda feel guilty if I think about someone else, even if they are made up.

 

[captain optimism]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CollegeMama Captain - Yes, I see your point, but I'm not talking about fantasizing while I'm with my DH, I'm talking about when I'm not with him. That's when I have the trouble. I have no need for fantasies when I'm physically with him. It's just that using your imagination on off times is supposed to increase your drive. Sort of like reading romance novels, only I can't stand romance novels because the writing is so horrible (generally speaking, of course.)

There are a lot of websites on the net that do supposedly non-oppressive non-sexist erotica. The company Good Vibrations has an online journal with a full spectrum of erotic writing. Here, I googled around for you:

http://goodvibes.com/cgi-bin/sgdynam...a/archive.html

The problem is to get something that turns you on without completely disgusting you, kwim? When I was pregnant (and my hormones were in total overdrive) I was really into erotic stuff, but then I was also kind of disgusted with myself because the content of what I was reading was so icky. It's tricky!

 

[CollegeMama]

Thanks Captain! You're such a sweet person!!!!! Okay, your link is blocked at my work PC, so I'll have to check it out at home tonight. Not that I want to get hot and bothered at work anyway! :LOL

Mabelsmama said:

Quote:

Okay, don't think I'm too silly, but couldn't you just fantasize about your dp? That's what I do. No need to figure out where dp and the kids went, etc. Plus, I kinda feel guilty if I think about someone else, even if they are made up.

It's fabulous that you are able to do that. However, I have a major, major crush on the character Luka from ER

: and I really enjoy fantasies involving him. Sometimes it helps to escape reality for a bit, KWIM? Not that I would ever, ever cheat on my husband, mind you.

 

[chalupamom]

In my fantasies, the kids are either 1) napping or 2) playing at someone's house. As for my husband, he actually doesn't mind the fantasy part of having other partners (although we have no interest in being poly in real life) so I don't worry so much about him. He's at school and I'm having a playdate of my own, you know.

 

[Jenne]

Now that I know this is about your playdate (good one Chalupamom) and not w/ DH...I have to give a

to reading...I mean, it is someone else's fantasy, usually involving other people so there's no "what about DH or DC"...for me it is the "best way to happiness"

HAPPY Holidays

Jenne