[milkmommie]

I need some serious help. I'm feeling like I've put so much effort into never letting ds cry it out only to end up doing it now when he's 3.5??????
We still co-sleep but he goes to bed before us. For almost a year now he's gone to bed in his own bed then moves in with us later during the night. About 6 mos ago we moved and his bed moved from our bedroom and into his own room. He still joins us at some point during the night. We have no problems there. It's bedtime that's making me ready to loose my mind.

:
He cries and cries and cries. Mostly, it seems like he's going for the "stall" tactics. You know, one more kiss, put my sheet on, take the sheet off, check under the bed, etc, etc. I am due with our 4th in Jan so am not willing to start laying down with him until he falls asleep. He can take a very long time to fall asleep. I cannot get him started on that only to take it away when the baby arrives!! I have had to resort to ignoring all the requests and letting him cry himself tired.

:
Is it okay to let him "cry it out" at this point??? What are my other options???
Any and ALL advice is welcome!
TIA

 

[adoremybabe]

Is there someone that can lay with him till he falls asleep?

 

[sapphire_chan]

Could this be connected with the new baby on the way?

Argh, I just read something about this that seemed to make sense. Maybe it was letting him stay up and then move him to his bed after he falls asleep on the couch or where ever? Does that make any sense?

I think the idea was to not worry about bedtime for awhile until he's reassured that he doesn't have to make excuses to get more time with you.

Bother... it was so clear in the thing I read and I have *no* idea where I read this.

 

[StephandOwen]

If you don't want to lay down with him then could you do a gradual moving out of his room? For the first few nights just sit by his bed silently (maybe knitting or something) until he falls asleep. After a few nights of that move a little closer to the door and sit there until he falls asleep. Keep repeating that until you're not in his room anymore. The key is to do it gradually. If you move too fast then he probably won't be okay with it.

Good luck!

 

[HelloKitty]

Sounds like maybe he's just not tired. Can you extend his bedtime to later? Also maybe instead of putting him to bed to sleep, tell him he's going to bed for quiet time and can read his books, listen to his music, whatever for awhile. If you are not a no-TV house, we let our 3 1/2 year old watch tv at bedtime (it's really the only time he's allowed to watch) and he usually falls asleep then.

 

[alegna]

Sounds like he's either not tired or really doesn't want to be alone. I understand your worries with the new baby, but really it's not okay to leave him to cry, even at 3.5.

-Angela

 

[Ruthla]

I don't think anybody should be left to "cry it out" at any age.

Maybe he just doesn't want to be alone at bedtime- he might be OK with sleeping in another bed in your room (or even a sleeping bag on the floor) knowing that you'll be joining him in there whenever you're ready for bed. Another option is to put him in the same room as a sibling.

 

[milkmommie]

I guess I've always thought that the whole issue with letting a baby CIO is that they're too small to communicate their needs or wants and that they obviously can't "manipulate" at such a young age.
My confusion with this situation is that he is old enough to manipulate. It feels like this is the core issue of what we're dealing with. He doesn't want to lay down for bedtime, is frustrated by the fact that he has to, and is using any and all tactics to keep from doing so.
The books are a good idea, we may try that. Unfortunately, he's never been a good sleeper. So, we're always dealing with a tired, cranky kid. He's yawning and tired by 9am! We tried letting him and dd (6) go to bed together since they've both co-slept with us. That was a disaster, they kept each other up til almost midnight.
We're very attachment, and always comfort our kids when they cry. I just struggle with crossing that line into "spoiling".

:

 

[wombatclay]

You might also see if your library has a copy of the No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers. It has a ton of ideas...not every idea will work for you and your family, but maybe one or two of them will!

I'm at work right now and don't have my copy of the book but her website lists a few of the ideas (http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/con...htvisitor.htm).

The ideas she gave in the NCSS for babies didn't really work for our family, but her Toddler book was a life saver!

 

[alegna]

Quote:

Originally Posted by milkmommie We're very attachment, and always comfort our kids when they cry. I just struggle with crossing that line into "spoiling". :

I don't think spoiling is even an issue here. A quote I like is - you don't spoil with love or attention, you spoil with things.

He is not "manipulating" you. He is telling you he needs you.

-Angela

 

[ACsMom]

Maybe, like others have suggested, try to figure out what the underlying need is. If he feels like he needs more mommy time, for example, maybe you could teach him how to tell you that straight up and then he wouldn't have to resort to stall tactics and crying, and you wouldn't feel like you're being manipulated. Just make sure to find a way to meet the need when he asks, so he learns that verbalizing his feelings is effective, kwim? It doesn't sound like he's just "manipulating" to avoid going to bed, though - he's doing a lot of crying and I bet there's a genuine need there. Hope that makes sense.

 

[BelovedK]

ITA with the PPs, it's never okay to CIO. I think at a later age it might even do more (or at least as much damage as doing it as a baby. He is not 'manipulating' you, he needs you. I agree that you need to determine the need and look towards meeting it. I know it is hard, esp w/ a new one on the way, but I KNOW you can do it, there is a solution. Definately sheck out the NCSS from the library (or buy a copy).

Blessings in making the right decision. It's good that you reached out for other solutions

 

[ndunn]

I only have a small baby so I have no idea, but I just wanted to send you good luck vibes. We've been up all night with our 4 month old and I know what sleep frustration is feeling like right now. Hope things get better for you!

 

[Lisa Lubner]

Does he still take naps during the day?

 

[milkmommie]

Yes, we're in a catch 22 with naps too. I think he's almost ready to give them up. If we skip them, he goes to bed better at night. BUT, if we skip nap, he's a grump by 5 and sleeps horribly all night (night terrors). SO, we take naps (together

).
I DO appreciate all of the helpful suggestions and advice!! It's good to know we're not suffering alone.

:
I still feel like he's learned that asking for a million things at night delays bedtime...so that's what he does and when I refuse it makes him mad, thus the screaming. Of course, I can try to figure out what it is he really feels he needs at bedtime......

 

[wombatclay]

Definitely check out the NCSS for toddlers...there's a whole chapter on the "I don't want to go to bed" scenario (one more glass of water, one more story, another pillow, etc) and another chapter addressing how to help toddlers who "need a parent's help to fall asleep". The ideas aren't one-size-fits-all, and they take a while to work, but it's intended to be a tear free process. Not to mention the book has tons of stories from other parents in the same boat and it can be a huge help just feeling that you're not alone!

 

[Ruthla]

If he's starting to outgrow his naps, but is still taking them, he may need a later bedtime.

Alternatively, maybe he could be encouraged to stay quietly in his room at bedtime even if he's not sleepy? Would he be happy to sit and play with toys or look at books by himself until he's ready to fall asleep?

Don't worry, if he truly needs *you* in the evenings and not just some more playtime, you won't damage him in any way with the above suggestions. He'll let you know if it's not working for him.

 

[eclipse]

When my now 5 yo gave up naps (when I most needed him to take them, when I was in my first trimester of pregancy with DD and I needed a nap

), he would turn into a grump by 5:00. We solved this with a really early bedtime - usually between 6 and 6:30. Maybe you can let him stop napping, and move his bedtime earlier an hour or two. Also, have you tried asking him what he needs from you before you leave, and how long he wants you to stay. When ds and dd both started falling asleep on their own, I left them with music on, and a promise to return every 5 or 10 minutes to check on them. Some nights it didn't work and I ended up staying until they fell asleep, but eventually they just started drifting off on their own.

 

[Attached Mama]

you mentioned that you moved. maybe he is still unsettled from the move - not only did you move, but his bed is now no longer in mama and daddy's room AND there is a new baby coming. that is enough to upset a toddler for sure. will he go to bed in your bed and then be ok moving when asleep? or can his bed stay in your room til he is ready for it to be in his rooM? just some ideas. goo d luck with it all