[EmilyVorpe]

Just wondering if anyone knows this one......

My son's bio dad has never met or supported our son. He has zero interest. My son DOES, however, have a WONDERFUL man in his life. He does not know he isn't his bio, he just knows he is Daddy. Bio is willing to give up rights, but will a court make us tell my son all of it? He's almost 5 and I really think it would confuse and hurt him to know about it all.

 

[vocalise]

Honestly, as an adoptee who knew from the beginning, and having known people who didn't find out until they were much older, I'd say the sooner your ds knows, the better.

He's bound to find out at some point, and chances are that the older he is, the more likely he will resent not having known the truth.

You don't have to go into great detail with him at this age. Just let him know that the man who helped to make him was not ready to be a daddy, but isn't it great that DP was ready and loves him and is such a great daddy and will always will be there for him. And make sure he knows that he can ask questions and that you'll answer them as best you can. Trust me, if he grows up knowing about the situation and talking with you about it in a "this is normal and shameless and just a part of who you are" way, he is much less likely to experience any trauma to do with it.

Children who find out later on often wonder what they did wrong to cause all the secrecy, or get a sense that the situation is shameful (and by proxy that they should feel ashamed). They often end up resenting the people who kept the truth from them. And they may even romanticize the bio-parent as a result. It can be really messy.

Hugs to you. If it feels really scary to tell him now, I would suggest maybe seeing a family counselor for some tips/advice.

 

[EmilyVorpe]

As we see it, though, we don't really have to ever tell him. I know there are the "he may want to know where he came from" and "what about family medical history?" etc stuff. BUT, a) There isn't an important family medical history on his bio's side and even doctors have told us that if he were to come down with something later in life, knowing he has a different dad isn't going to change or help it. And b) why put a kid through knowing he wasn't wanted? He doesn't need to know he was disgarded by his blood. He doesn't need to know his baby sisters are "half sisters" (oh god I hate that term).
So we're NOT planning on telling him. We're NOT planning on it ever being addressed. And that's why we're trying to see if a judge will make us tell him.

 

[vocalise]

My apologies. I realized that I didn't, in fact, answer your question at all.

I'm really not sure if a judge would order you to tell your ds. I would be surprised if they did, however, given that they cannot order such a thing in an adoption scenario where both parents are adopting. I hope things work out for the best for all of you.