[IslandAndy]

Ahh, I wrote a whole long post and clicked submit and it deleted. Trying again...

Basically, I tried to have a HVBA4C last year with a midwife. I started bleeding in labor and had a fairly unpleasant emergency c-section. My baby was transferred, the pediatrician was awful, it was horrible. I guess I knew that part was going to be bad. What I didn't expect was for my midwife to abandon me.

She picked up the birth pool and never looked back. No calls, no postpartum or infant care despite requesting it (said she was too busy). No support, which is what I was hoping for from a midwife. I feel like I failed her and she is punishing me. I don't know why she did this. I wish she'd just tell me. I know people that have had babies with her and they all love her her and think she's the best. This makes me feel even worse, ashamed she didn't like me enough to be there.

The hurt feelings get drug up every time someone mentions the pediatrician or the midwife. It's time to get past it, hopefully this helps me to.

 

[Attached Mama]

wow that is really awful. I'm so sorry

Can you find another midwife to talk to to help process the whole thing? Many are more than willing to do that.

 

[IslandAndy]

I had never considered that. Thank you.

 

[MsBlack]

Wow, so sorry that your mw has treated you like that. As if the emergency csec wasn't enough bad news for one year...oh my.

Here's the thing--it is easy for people to love the mw who is able to assist and witness their healthy normal birth. It is easy for the mw to be so supportive and such, after a healthy, normal birth. What is not so easy is when things don't go as planned.

Now on one hand, some clients blame the mw, whether or not she had anything to do with the problem that arose (like in your case....seems maybe you had a uterine rupture, or maybe a placental abruption? you didn't say. But those things would be beyond anyone's control). Then it's easy to understand if the mw disappears. But sometimes, the mw blames the clients....or if she doesn't exactly blame them, she is just intensely uncomfortable around them for a few reasons:

1, she may not have received training, or otherwise be emotionally equipped, to help someone through grief and trauma--she feels uncomfortable and helpless in the face of the client's bad feelings, even if those feelings are not directed at her. If she avoids the client, then she can avoid dealing with those feelings. "Too busy" my hind end! Too scared, maybe, or too unconcerned.
2. she has been faced with her own limitations, smallness, unimportance in the face of something as large and uncontrollable as birth. While she may well help those 'normal birth ladies' in some ways, well--when birth is normal, that is something natural, not something the mw created. But mws get a lot of ego stroking from families when things go well. And this is not to say that a good mw does nothing at all--she may well have provided good nutrition/other info, encouragement, suggestions/advice, even some needed hands on skills during birth. But we mws did not design birth, and are not the ones giving birth....and when things happen like your birth, that is a reminder that we are not so hugely great and influential after all. Some mws just can't live with that. Sad but true, yours would not be the first I've ever heard of to disappear after a less-than-optimal birth.

In any event, yes do consider talking with another mw about your birth and your feelings about it. And do consider writing to your former mw, and telling her how you feel about her abandonment. IMO, that was wrong of her, only adding to your pain. And honestly, if it was me, I'd probably tell ppl that if they hire her, they are risking the same treatment you received. I'm sure you're not the first, and you certainly won't be the last, transport or csec of her career--who will be next to be dumped by her, for not having an ideal enough birth for her taste?

What state are you in, btw? There might even be a mw organization in your state or region that you could talk to. I'm not sure about her agreement with clients--but I and most mws that I know do include pp care as part of the package--and are only too glad to provide postpartum followup after transport. Many families find that service all the more necessary than after normal birth at home, because of the feelings they are dealing with. Postpartum care is part of the normal standard of midwifery care. Perhaps if you talk to her peers, they can help her to change this element of her practice.

In any event....I understand your feelings about this, and it's good that you're talking about it now.