[sweets]

Throughout this pregnancy but much more so now (33wks) I have felt a great sense of sadness around loosing the one on one time ds and I have been sharing for the past 25 months (and that doesn't include the months he grew inside me). I believe in AP, my son still breastfeeds and we sleep how we need so everyone feels secure and gets a good night sleep. In short, he has never been left with anyone outside of my family. He has been my side kick and I love that.

Several moms in my life have assured me that they missed their first child terribly when they new one arrived. At the same time they have encouraged me to set up care for the older son (either with them or in a group setting) because I will love it when he is "out of the house". The thougth of that breaks my heart. Am I naive to think that the three of us (and dh when he is not working) can figure it out together? Is it true that getting him away from me will help the transistion? I would love some words of advice from this group of moms who I have come to trust.

Thanks in advance

 

[Aura_Kitten]

Quote:

Several moms in my life have assured me that they missed their first child terribly when they new one arrived. At the same time they have encouraged me to set up care for the older son (either with them or in a group setting) because I will love it when he is "out of the house".

this makes absolutely no sense to me.

for one thing, your first isn't dying (at least i certainly hope not) just because you're getting another baby.

second, if they missed having one on one time with their child, why did they send the child away?

third, it seems to me like that would just foster sibling rivalry: "mommy loved spending lots of time with me, until the new baby came and she kicked me out of the house."

Quote:

. Am I naive to think that the three of us (and dh when he is not working) can figure it out together?

no.

Quote:

Is it true that getting him away from me will help the transistion?

absolutely not. that has to be one of the dumbest things i've heard in awhile.

right now i'm doing all i can to make sure that i'll have just as much time w/ my son after the new baby is born as i have with him now (if not more so).

 

[oceanbaby]

Quote:

Throughout this pregnancy but much more so now (33wks) I have felt a great sense of sadness around loosing the one on one time ds and I have been sharing for the past 25 months (and that doesn't include the months he grew inside me). I believe in AP, my son still breastfeeds and we sleep how we need so everyone feels secure and gets a good night sleep. In short, he has never been left with anyone outside of my family. He has been my side kick and I love that.

I could have written that exact paragraph myself (except ds is 3yo). Expecting this baby has been really bittersweet for me, because as excited as I am to meet my new baby, and I am so sad about losing out on the one on one time I have with ds. He was running down the street yesterday, and I had to ask him to slow down, because at 9 months pregnant I just can't sprint after him anymore. (We used to play this game where we'd run down hills and yell "Whoah!"). Then I realized that even after I give birth, I'll probably have a baby strapped to me most of the time, and still won't be able to run down the hill with him like we used to. And it made me really sad, because by the time the baby is old enough to join us, ds will probably not even be into it anymore. We are little buddies as we cruise around throughout the week. He's a great little friend, and I really love having it be the two of us out and about.

About 6 months ago we began researching preschools because of speech issues that ds was having, and all the different therapists agreed that preschool would really help. We found one we like, and I know that ds will love it, but I don't know how I feel about having him start 6 weeks after the baby is born. I feel like I'm 'sending him away,' and worry about how both he and I will handle it. Everyone keeps telling me the same thing you've heard - how great it will be to have alone time with the baby. Yeah, that's great, but how about some time with my first baby?

I guess I can't be of much help because I'm in the same situation you are and have yet to experience having the 2nd baby and figuring it all out. But I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in you're feelings about this.

 

[Autumn Breeze]

I also have a ds, he'll be 3.5 when this one is born. I just started thinking about all the stuff we do, that we won't be able to. We pick up and go to the park on a whim at least 4 times a month. That whim will be harder to coordinate with a new baby. Not to mention, all the "scare time" where he tip toes around the house, jumps out and yells, or is 'scared' by dh. ANd he runs screaming and laughing until one of us jumps and tickles him. It'll be hard to do that when the baby is sleeping in the living room, or my room.

But as for sending ds away, not gonna happen. He does ask to go to school, but we can't afford anything for next year, he'll be in pre school when he's 4, pre-k when he's 5 and kindergarten when he's 6 (birthdate cut off is Sept 1, his B-day is Sept 24) So at least when it's time for him to start school, the baby would have been here for a while. He'll get to go with daddy to the store, and to dh's parents house, but until the non stop nursing is over no more "mommy just decided lets go to the park" (since I can't seem to find any shaded ones here!)

bummer.

Just wanted to let ya know I'm there with you! And Idon't think sending him away is the right way to go about it. I think you should find some one on one time with him. If it means pushing back bed time, so that after you nurse the baby you can play with him for 30 minutes, do your night time routine, and put him to bed, then so be it! You'll work it out.

 

[watermamma]

I felt the same way when pregnant with my 2nd when my 1st was three. Such a bittersweet time. I cried regularly over the "loss" of that special time alone with the first, the complete, utter focus of loving one child so much, all the time, you could explode. I could not fathom how I could possibly love the new baby the same. I also felt guilty about having another baby, I felt bad for my 1st.

About "sending away" your 1st, you will need a little time alone w/baby on occasion, too snuggle, sleep, nurse, bond. But this is something you and your DH can work together on (maybe he and your 1st can take a walk, whatever). It doesn't need to be a matter of "sending away" your 1st!

My 1st did go stay with Grandma for 2 days about a week after baby came, but this was because my DH had to leave town and I was not able to care for him like he needed, nor did I want him to have to be housebound w/me and baby for an entire week. Other than that, our family just continued on its normal way, it was an adjustment, but we are functioning great now

I did appreciate friends offering to take my 2nd on fun outings with them the first few weeks so I could rest and bond with new baby.

And all those feelings of guilt and sadness, I would love to say they went away immediately after birth, but for me they didn't (and a good dose of baby blues!). It took me awhile to adjust to loving two so much and I still worried about my 1st being left out or somehow missing something now that the 2nd was here. And I worried about bonding with my baby when I was so distracted with caring for a 3 year old.

I don't know if my rambling made any sense or not, but you will do fine, and you will figure out what works for you!

 

[momnloveit]

I remember the night ds#2 was born, I stayed awake in the hospital sobbing, thinking "What have I done to ds#1?" He was only 21 mos, so still such a baby, and I felt horrible about it. It also took me a few weeks to figure out how to love 2 babies. Everyone told me my love would just grow, but I found that I felt like I was either loving one or the other for awhile. I think it is nice to occasionally have someone take care of either child so you can have some alone time with each, but I mostly wanted the reality of having both of them so I could get used to it and figure it out. You WILL figure out how to love them both, and you will be amazed at how much joy it brings to see them learn to love each other.

One of my concerns with having a homebirth this time is not having a babymoon for a couple of days in the hospital without having to worry about the other kids at home, but I think a babymoon in my nice comfy bed will make up for it.

 

[SaraC]

My DD was 21 months old when her sister came along. I left for the birth center when she went to bed and was home before she woke up with her new sister. I think Mary-Grace being there when she woke up was great for her transition because she came downstairs, snuggled with me and then noticed her sister sitting with Daddy. I was really worried about how I would manage and how I could love two but for me it just fell into place. Maddie was very patient with me and her sister and it was a gentle transistion. I do not recommend sending your other child away. I think it will breed negative feelings toward its sibling. I think that if your first feels loved and secure before the birth then they will continue to feel so after the birth. Good luck.

 

[sweets]

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. I am blessed with beautiful girlfrieds in my life, we all mother in different ways and sometimes I feel a little on the outside of the norm. I appreciate being able to turn here.

In my heart I know I am raising a secure child and that I will be capable of sharing this with a second child. Sometimes a little doubt creeps in and I like to hear of others who have done this with success.

DH and I are commited to supporting ds through this transistion in whatever ways we need to. I am blessed that he trusts me as a mother and will support what I think needs to be done to help our little guy.

Thanks again ladies and have a super day.

 

[Elyssia]

my second dd was 17 mos. old when i had twins
and i was really worried about how she would feel
and how i would ever be able to pay enough attention to all of them
one thing that we did during the pregnancy
is my dh took over nighttimes w/ her
she had to night wean and he started her on the routine
of brushing teeth, reading together and going to bed (with him)
i knew that i could not manage waking up at night
on the demands of 3 children, 2 is hard enough

dd was still nursing, and still is now tho' only 1X a day or less
==the babies are 14 mos. old and she is 2.5
i felt it was important to retain this bond w/ her
so she wouldn't feel completely usurped

i do not think you need to send your child away in order
to enjoy and bond w/ your new baby
all that time you are spending nursing is great time
spent reading or talking w/ your other child
he can help you w/ bathing and diapers, folding clothes
and choosing outfits, anything you can do, you can do
w/ both of them - believe me!

i think you can also let your older child go out w/ other people
w/o viewing it as sending him away or feeling guilty about it
it seems like you feel bad about having a new baby
but that you are also just not wanting to let go of your little guy being a baby
it's hard when they don't need you quite so much
i mean of COURSE he needs you, but it's not constant,
it's not so physical or immediate
let him go w/ friends, w/ dad or grandma or whoever
and view it as an opportunity for him to get out of the house
and away from the baby to do big boy stuff
it's extra attention, it doesn't HAVE to be from you
i'm sure he is capable of having fun w/o you there
of feeling adored and special

hopefully you will find, as i have
that your older child's life is SO enriched by having a close sibling
now that mine are a little older i love to see them play
and chatter with each other
my dd loves the twins SO much, and they love her so much
it is really really cool

best of luck
enjoy your baby
don't feel bad, this is just your baby growing up
and his role in the family is changing, it's good and natural

 

[2+twins]

I felt the same sense of sadness for the loss of my only childness. I was terrified that I'd be screwing her life up by having another. Sure, she might love having a sibling but what if she hates it? What if she wishes the younger one had never been born (sadly, this is how I felt growing up). Since I was soooooo totally in love with my first dd, I was absolutely terrified that I wouldn't be able to love the new baby equally. I know that everyone says you have enough love, but how could it possibly be? Near the end of that pregnancy I was feeling very panicky in general. About dd excepting the new baby, about how my feelings might change towards dd after the birth, whether or not I could love them both the way I wanted to, etc. Finally I had Allie one night while Caitlin slept. She met her in our bedroom the next morning and has been so wonderful to her ever since. I instantly loved the new baby (whereas it took a bit of time for those feelings to develop with my first - I think because parenthood was a whole new thing for me) and I never loved my first any less. Sure, she doesn't get as much one on one time with me, but I give it whenever I can and I try my hardest not to "blame" the baby for anything, like "I can't right now honey, the baby needs me." The dynamic will change and sometimes it might be a little sad, but overall I think you'll be really happy (and your ds will be too).

Quote:

Originally Posted by oceanbaby About 6 months ago we began researching preschools because of speech issues that ds was having, and all the different therapists agreed that preschool would really help. We found one we like, and I know that ds will love it, but I don't know how I feel about having him start 6 weeks after the baby is born. I feel like I'm 'sending him away,' and worry about how both he and I will handle it. Everyone keeps telling me the same thing you've heard - how great it will be to have alone time with the baby. Yeah, that's great, but how about some time with my first baby?

I could have written this one. My older dd also has speech issues and began preschool because of them about 8 weeks after the baby was born. It was actually really great. She LOVED it, it was only 3 hours a day, and it gave me some time to be alone with the baby. That's the thing - you worry and fear about the loss of alone time with your first, but there's also the feeling of guilt (at least for me) that your second child is not getting the same one on one time that your first had. Will the bond be as tight? Will they develop as close a relationship with you? All of that's equally hard. Can't win! So I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't beat yourself up about it. It WILL be great to have time alone with your new baby and that doesn't say ANYTHING bad about you, least of all that you don't want to spend time with your first!

 

[ebethmom]

We are only in day 4 of our "new baby transition." Our ds will be three next month. My dh is taking two weeks off from work mainly just to be with ds. It turns out that I really needed some time to sleep and recouperate - I'm fighting some kind of infection, probably uterine.

Ds loves his little sister! He wants to hold her and stroke her face (and touch her eyes and stick his fingers in her mouth!). He does need a lot of supervision with her, but it just melts my heart to hear him say "I love Lila!"

I know that he's feeling some transition stress. He has been acting out some, but it's really not any worse than the other times that he is overtired.

We have had lots of friends offer to help, and we are taking them up on it! Dh still has a few obligations to fulfill, and I really can't take care of ds until I start feeling better. So ds has been going over to different friends' houses to play in the afternoons.

Ds has been very glad to see the return of his nursie milk!! When there was no milk, he would let me count to 5 and say "time to let go." Now when I try that, he shakes his head and talks around the nipple "Just a few more minutes!"

 

[oshunmama]

Set up care?? THat's a little strange. I really DID appreciate help when my second was born, more than any other time, just so fundamentals were done. We spent a lot of time (ALL OF US but the caregiver--and I considered her MY caregiver, not Gavin's!) in our big bed, nursing, napping, coloring, talking. And then, sometimes, he needed a break from the baby...just to know he was still himself and this was hid house, and he would go and play with Grammy (who is the person we had come and cook and clean). THey had a very special time, we had a very special time, it was all very laid back and nice. Her cooking and cleaning helped free up dh to just love and be with his growing family.

That's just my experience.

She'll be coming again, for just a few days. I amsurrounded by so many "helping hands" this time I think we are going to have to drive some away!

 

[yaboobarb]

My son Leandros is 2.3 years and I am expecting #2 any day now.

I have talked to three of his favorite people (Grandma, Uncle Dave and a Good Friend with a 2 year old) and arranged that the weeks following the birth to schedule where these people can come and give him special time and play.

Instead ofwhat we are losing, I am trying to focus on what I can do for him ahead of time to make that transition time special. There are many people who love him and want to help. Uncle Dave is a big ace in the hole for us. He LOVES Leandros and the boy is wild for him. He is even taking some vacation time off of work to help!

Up until recently Lee has not been babysat, or even away from mom and dad, but lately I have had Grandma come and start taking him for walks. ( It helps that Grandmas house is nearby!) He loves his special time with Grandma and when I ask, "Do you want to go for a walk with Grandma?" he says a resounding "YEAH! GEMA!"
Hey... he gets Ice Cream!

 

[HeatherB]

I also have a DS, now 28 months, and our second is due in just 2 months. Trying to find the balance is not an easy thing. For us, I had to figure out what to do about DS's school. Last year he started going to a mother's day out twice a week, which he has LOVED. They take a break over the summer, and start back up the same week this baby is due (though of course who knows when it'll come!). Gabriel is so fond of going to "school" that I finally decided he needed to go back next year. We may bring him home from school early if the baby's birth is imminent (as he's also very interested in being there, and I want him to have the chance), but otherwise, and once the baby's here, I want him to have "his" things. I don't want for the birth of our wonderful blessing to turn his entire world upside down - he needs to have some things that don't change, and I think his going to school will be one of those things.

It's a hard thing, though, because I also don't want to be "sending him away." I had to fight that notion when we sent him to school last year, too. But I do think I will benefit from having some time with just me and the baby (probably just to SLEEP if at all possible!), and the reality is that DS will only be gone for a few hours a week, with kids his age in a safe, nurturing environment that he's already familiar with.

I also think it will be good to have my family (who thankfully have just moved quite close to us) and perhaps some close friends take Gabriel for special dates. I'm thinking soon after the baby's born I'll have him go with Grandma to Build-a-Bear to make a bear for the baby - and one for him, too! Those sorts of outings are special time for him with his Grandma, and also reinforce that he's special and loved, just like the new baby.

I guess my goal for Gabriel after the baby is here is similar to my goal for him while I'm in labor: to have normalcy and the everyday as well as excitement, fun, and new things that are just for him. Reaching that balance will the difficult part!

Hope some of that rambling makes sense...