Mothering Forum banner

1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,116 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
<p>I was at a dinner party at my neighbours last night, and somehow the topic of playing "knuckles" and similar games as children came up. (Knuckles or Slaps are games kids (usually boys in the 8-12 age group, I think) play where one kid has to try to slap or hit the other in some way, while the other has to try to move his (or her) hand out of the way in time, but without flinching if the first kid merely feints.)</p>
<p>My friends were all reminiscing about playing it as kids, and how they suffered injuries from it and how their hands would get swollen and bruised.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At some point, I started feeling really disturbed by their descriptions of it - I never joined in with these kind of games as a kid - and somehow them all talking about hitting each other and making a game out of it... well, it made me feel disturbed, so i went and sat alone out on the porch for a while.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eventually I felt okay enough to come back inside, but still a little fragile. My DH came to me and asked if I'm okay. I said I was feeling distressed by all the talk of enjoying games where you hit your friends and cause each other painful injuries, and we went back outside to talk about it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I said "it's really disturbing to hear everyone talking about games where the aim of the game is to hit and hurt your friend, while at the same time trying not to be hit and hurt by your friend. I can't understand why anyone would think that's fun and I think the reason kids would play that is because if they don't join in they'll be branded as wimps and ostracised or teased. It just seems sick to me to find it fun to hit your friends"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>DH replied well, it <em>is</em> fun, and you're sick if you don't think so."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>We talked/ argued for a long time, I ended up leaving and going home, but the end result is that DH insists that it is fun to play these games, and there's something wrong with me for thinking that there's something wrong with playing games where the players hit each other.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm really stuck - I don't have any neutral ground to stand on to see if there is something wrong with me and it's normal and fun to play these games and I'm crazy for being distressed by it, and it's just because of my PTSD being triggered... or if my reaction is reasonable and my DH is coming from an unhealthy perspective, especially being that he's Israeli, and Israelis all feel that it's normal and healthy to grow up in a war zone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>and I'm feeling really upset about it all; I don't know what to do at all.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
<p>Oh wow.  I remember these games.  At the time they were just games for me.  But this was all preteen as you said.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I can totally see how that would trigger your PTSD to hear others talking about hitting and hurting each other and then laughing about it as if it were nothing.  Your DH's response to you was insensitive.  I don't know that I have any real advice.  Pre-trauma, stuff like this seemed a bit odd to me, but fell close enough to the range of normal that I just accepted it as part of my always changing world.  Kinda like how "Truth or Dare" always led to sexuality.  I didn't have good boundaries though either.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I don't know that I have any actual advice, just understanding that I can see how this would be triggering, and how some people totally wouldn't get it.  I think our traumas make us more sensitive to violence of any sort.  So even a "game" with violent overtones is more than just a game to a PTSD/trauma survivor.  <img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"></p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,184 Posts
I feel the same about paintball. I flipped out playing with my friends in high school and sat out, was made fun of. What sick kind of game do we pretend to kill each other?!<br><br>
In a rush. . . there was a piece on NPR all things considered a few weeks back about people playing violent video games and it made them less violent... Or something... I'll look it up when I get home.<br><br>
eta - here's the piece I was talking about <a href="http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=130435221" target="_blank">http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=130435221</a> It related more before I reread it. Interesting, nonetheless.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,116 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
<p>thanks for that link deer mother</p>
<p>and thanks theia</p>
<p>it feels good just to vent, I think.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,880 Posts
<p>mama <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
<p>Your dh was not being helpful in his response to you. That game definitely does not sound fun, it sounds painful and I am really thankful my boys haven't talked about these games or played them here or at friends house, because they are in that same age group.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Your reaction to the games sound fair, I 'll bet many of the women on this board wouldn't find them fun and instead more triggering.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
<p>There have been times when I have been incredibly triggered by my oldest ds' behavior, and a lot of it is stuff like you are describing.  I didn't grow up around boys or men so I just wasn't familiar with the fact that for some boys, that type of behavior is very normal and can be instinctual.  I tried to raise him in a way that was non-violent, he played with dolls, wore dresses and nail polish, I encouraged his more "feminine" side, for lack of a better way to put it.  He didn't have a father in his life for the first 7 years so I was pretty much it for him as far as influences.  We don't hunt, have guns, watch violent tv or movies, eat meat, etc.  I was very much into a peaceful lifestyle when he was young.  He has turned out to be a young man who loves to lift weights, play football and be a jock.  It has been really shocking for me as I have a hard time with that whole football culture and it feeds a part of him.  For me to watch how he and his friends play around is downright painful most times. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I find those types of games disturbing and wrong.  My son, who did not grow up in a violence filled household and who grew up outside of the mainstream (we were heavily involved in the Family back in the day), thinks they are the most fun ever.  I am not wrong, he is not wrong.  We have different perspectives and both are honored in our household.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All of this is to say that personally I would not be disturbed with the difference in perspectives, however I would be disturbed by your partner's response to your feelings.  For him to respond that way seems really disrespectful and hurtful.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,116 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
<p>yeah, I'm personally not against children playing the kind of games that simulate violence, like pretending that sticks are swords or guns. I'm not against energetic kids being really physical in their play; roughhousing or play-wrestling or the like. I think it's probably a normal, healthy part of development, and no one is intentionally getting hurt in them.</p>
<p>My issue with the games in question is that the point of the game is to painfully hit one's friend while at the same time avoiding getting hit. There's generally no running around or major energy expense involved in playing, it's a game to test one's reaction time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Basically, I understand that loads of kids play these games and they're very common, I personally find it really disturbing to be reminiscing the glory days of the injuries they got. and most of all, my DH knows my history and knows I have PTSD; his response was so upsetting and unsupportive.</p>
<p>Today is our wedding anniversary and I'm really not sure we'll make it to the end of 2010, let alone another year of marriage :(</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
<p>I'm sorry.  <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,916 Posts
<p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif">  I'm sorry Majik.  </span></p>
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top