[sunflowergirll]

Hey all,

Was hoping for some different perspectives on a dilemma. I need to talk to DH about what he wishes/work something out, but am not sure how I feel myself at the moment.

I have a DD who is 2.5 years and am due at any time. I have until May 15 for my homebirth.

My brother is graduating law school next month, halfway across the country. I told him we could not attend due to cost/traveling with an infant/toddler. My brother was disappointed but seemed to understand.

My BIL is graduating high school next month too. It is a 3 hour car trip (without stopping, so probably 5 hours with an infant )

If I gave birth today (which doesn't look like it's happening) baby would be 4 weeks at BILs grad, and 4.5 weeks at brother's grad.

I don't really want to travel to either graduation, but my husband made it clear that my BILs graduation is very important to him.

So, my husband will definitely be going. But, the question is, should I? Should hubby take DD? that would be quite hard on him. But it would be really hard for me to be alone with DD and DC.

Issues:

1. I would feel guilty attending BIL's grad but not brother's.

1a. If we do travel to brother's, I'd need money from my mom for plane tix, which I don't like.

2. We had really a really hard time starting breastfeeding with DD. I know quite a few things that we can do differently this time, but I am not guaranteed that it will go smoothly. I mean, chances it will, but I don't know.

3. When DD was 6 weeks we had a family gathering that I did not want to attend. DH and I fought over it. My grandmother in law (who was staying with us at the time to help me out) gave me guilt and talked about how important family was.

3a. If I stay home, I will be consumed with being worried that people are talking about me and how anti-family I am.

4. My SIL (teenager) does not know anyone who breastfed in her town. It would be a nice lactivism moment to go to the graduation and nurse (only if things were going well )

5. DH can certainly go without me. But I would feel a little guilty about that.

6. It might actually be easier to travel with 2 children b/c my husband and his family are really helpful with childcare.

Has anyone else traveled with a young infant? What would you do?

Thanks!

 

[lach]

We travelled on a 13 hour car ride with my daughter when she was 6 weeks old... it took 3 days there, and on the way back we just slogged through. It's a lot easier to travel with a newborn than with a toddler, in my very limited experience... they sleep most of the time. The thing that was the hardest for me was that my daughter could get very fussy at night, and I felt bad for the other people in the motels we stayed in! And since you'd presumably be staying with family, I'm sure they would be understanding (unless it's one of those CIO-from-birth type families *shudder*).

But I don't think that a 3 hour car ride would be that bad, assuming you don't have a particularly fussy baby and assuming it's a baby who likes being in a car. And if they are very helpful with childcare, it could be a nice break for you: especially since it's hard to tell how the older child will take the new baby, so your older one might really appreciate some extra-special attention from relatives who can take her out to do "big kid" things while you can relax with the baby.

I definitely understand why you would feel guilty about going to BIL's graduation, but not Brothers, but I personally wouldn't try to chance that. First of all, I don't think I'd be comfortable flying with a baby that young. Secondly, you'd have to book the tickets ASAP to get cheaper fares, and if for any reason you'd have to cancel you wouldn't get your money back. I'm sure that your brother understands this. Other people might disagree, but this is just my personal opinion. You can see how things go, and maybe get last minute cheap airfare as a surprise for your brother (a lot of airlines seem to be having sales).

But if you decide not to go to BIL's, I'm sure that everyone will understand and you won't be branded anti-family (unless, of course, they already believe that... which is just silly!). It seems to be very common for people to keep newborns away from big crowds for the first 6 weeks: I've even heard that some pediatricians specifically advise this. If his family already thinks that you're kind of weird (really? She's never met anyone who has BF? That's really sad), you can probably get away with slightly quirky things like this

You can also just say that you're afraid the baby will cry and disrupt BIL's big day. Make sure to stress how sorry you are, and say that DH is under strict orders to take A LOT of pictures.

 

[~pi]

I have traveled with a slightly older infant (8 weeks, not 4.) As you said, it takes longer, but was otherwise not a bad time to make a long trip.

Given what you said, WWID is plan to go to BIL's grad, and make a big fuss over your brother from a distance -- send flowers, a card, a drawing from your DD, phone him on the big day to tell him you're thinking about him and are so excited and proud, etc.

All that said, I think I would make the plans contingent on when the birth happens. I would not travel with a two day old, KWIM? I would make an agreement with DH that we will make a sincere effort to make it work, but sometimes life gets in the way, and if that happens, it happens. (And if he wants to go without you and you are OK with that, he should definitely take DD with him, especially since his family is so helpful.)

Also, I would not worry about what people are saying. A baby <2 weeks is totally different from a 6 week old.

Best of luck, and congrats to all of you -- BIL and brother on their grads, you on the upcoming birth!

 

[JBaxter]

Anyone who would talk badly about you not traveling with a 4 week old infant is NOT a nice person and not worth your time.

If it were me I would stay home If your DH wants to go to BIL's graduation let him go and take your DD should be a wonderful bonding time for them and give her some extra attention He can let everyone know you need some rest since you have a newborn and infant. If "I" didnt have to I wouldnt take a 4 week old on a airplane.

 

[weliveintheforest]

I would stay home.

I traveled when my daughter was a newborn and it was exhausting. Being in other people's homes while I was still bleeding and learning to breastfeed was not fun, and I ended up with a blocked duct. Those first weeks are so important, i don't think it's worth planning things in that time. You also may only be a week or two postpartum, and that would be even harder.

 

[Freefromitall]

Tell him that if he wants to attend his bro's grad, that's fine, but that you expect him to take dd along

 

[just_lily]

I wouldn't go to your brother's grad. Graduating from law school is a big deal, but so is having a baby!! I wouldn't want to purchase plane tickets and then feel like I "had" to go no matter what. If you can swing it send him a nice gift, or even just a card, so that he knows you care and are sorry for missing it.

I think that a three hour car trip might be do-able, but since you don't have to buy tickets, you don't have to make a decision right this minute. Tell the family that you would like to be there, but you are going to have to play it by ear and see how it goes, given that you are expecting a new baby any moment. If they can't understand that, I agree that they really aren't worth your time. Then just see how you feel, and do what feels right in the moment. Again, if you can't make it, I would send a gift or a card.

Good luck!

 

[Norasmomma]

For me I just would not go, and it wouldn't be a question. I find traveling with a tiny baby kinda ridiculous to expect. People get so caught up in their own things and selfishness, that they don't realize how hard it actually is. Some of my friends couldn't understand that we couldn't go to every function that we did before, my one friend gave me so much crap about it, that is until he had his baby 8 months later. Then they never went to anything.

I also got the guilt trip when my DD was about 3 months old, we had car troubles and though we were not traveling that far away, about and hour and a half, my mom said the rudest thing to me and I still have not forgiven her for it because it irked me so bad. Like I said we had car problems and our car died, we were stuck on the side of the road in sub-zero temps with a tiny baby. No one would stop because it was all tourists, finally a neighbor came and helped us. When I called my mom she said, "well I don't care, just teleport that baby over here, we have people here who want to see her."

:

After that I changed my mind and was like people can come visit me if they want to see our baby. I am not driving all over in freezing temps with a small baby.

We are due in the beginning of Oct. At Christmas people can come see me, especially after what my mom was like. I don't care if the baby will be 2 months old, I'm not going to be driving all over on icy, snow covered roads just to make others happy.

Your situation is a bit different, but going to graduation with 2 small children sounds completely and utterly life draining. HS graduations are so long and boring, if you did go with DH someone is going to miss it all trying to keep the 2.5 y/o entertained, I know I have a child the same age. She would go flippin nutso at something like that. My sisters are graduating from college and I have not heard one thing about going by anyone, obviously I am kinda busy and uncomfortable being pregnant with a very active toddler. No questions or guilt trips here. Good luck. Don't go.

 

[pauletoy]

Did you say when your due date is?

Personally, I wouldn't go. You need to be taking care of you and your baby not worrying about what other people are going to say about you in your absence.

 

[kdaisy]

We took a 6 hour drive with our 3 week old. He slept most of the way and it was definitely "do-able." He slept a lot. Much easier then the same trip when he was 3 months.

Having said that. I would not do it again. I was recovering from a c-section. I did it so DH's grandfather could see his namesake before he passed away. (3 months later was the funeral.) At the time, it seemed like there was no possible way to say no. But I should have found a way. My recovery was just as important. It was a hard trip, like the pp said, staying in motels, trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, and for me, endless hours with in-laws. I want to think back to that trip and cry.

If it is a matter of you not wanting to put you and your baby's needs first, then don't do it!

 

[karemore]

I don't think you can decide until you give birth. There's no way you can know how you are going to feel until you know what kind of delivery you have and how the baby is doing.

You may be fine to travel to the graduation, especially since the family will be helpful once you are there. But you won't know until a week or two before the graduation if you are going to be able to do it.

 

[sunflowergirll]

thanks everyone. It is good to hear that some people would go and some people wouldn't.

what I didn't mention is that when we traveled at 6 weeks with DD, I was still pumping every 2-3 hours, bottle feeding and trying to reintroduce breastfeeding.

Hubby and inlaws were so helpful in keeping me on my pumping schedule, waking me up to nurse DD, doing *everything* else (diapers, holding baby, giving baby bottles etc). My hubby even stayed up late playing video games with his brother and then got up in the middle of the night to help me nurse/pump.We're able to stay at someone's house so there is always childcare available (because they're all baby crazy).

Because of that, it really wasn't so bad to travel to them with 6 week DD. I would assume that they would be equally as helpful with DD and DC this time around.

OTOH, my mom makes me tense. I'm always tired when I go there. She works from home and is *always* on the phone (and talking loudly too). There are days we wait until 3 pm for her to finish what she is doing before she pays attention to us. We'd have to stay at a motel. And travel to my brother's graduation (as opposed to being in the same town, like BIL).

So going to BILs graduation seems doable (though hard). Going to brother's graduation seems almost impossible.

Especially because my brother is clueless about babies. He actually asked if the baby could stay home with DH and I could go alone. But he has said in the past that he expects his future wife (whomever she turns out to be) to breastfeed. WTF??? He can be so dense sometimes.

And it really will depend on when the baby comes. 27 days - maybe doable. 5 days - not so much.

I am due next week, but trying not to pay attention to my due date. Essentially I can "pop" anytime today through May 15. Graduation May 17 for BIL, May 22 for brother. After May 15, I need to go to a hospital. So I will be doing *everything* to make sure I birth before May 15.

Alright - will talk to DH about "playing it be ear" and letting him know that there is a good possibility I will not be going. And that I'd really like him to take DD.

Thanks for the opinions! I'll keep you updated after I talk to DH.

 

[lolar2]

In similar situations I usually tell people that I don't expect to be able to go, but that I will if something changes and I can make it. Sometimes, if you get into a lot of TMI about the details of post-partum recovery and bleeding, people shut up about it and don't give you too much flack.

 

[sunflowergirll]

Update:

Hubby suggested we see how life is at that point. Not to put timelines on things (i.e. if baby is <X weeks old, I don't go) but rather see how I am doing, how baby is doing, how breastfeeding is going, what rhythm we are in.

If I am not comfortable with things, I don't go and he will take DD.

Unfortunately, if I'm not in a good rhythm, that means I'm alone with DC. But, hopefully our mother's helper will be available over that weekend to come over and help. If I'm pumping/bottle feeding again I suppose I will go b/c it'll be easier to have those extra hands when I'm pumping on a schedule.

In my perfect world, DH wouldn't go at all. But I can't ask that of him.

I'm trying to keep in mind that when we traveled last time with an infant it really wasn't that bad.

Here's hoping I go into labor tonight!

 

[sunflowergirll]

Update:

No baby yet. May 17 is coming close. I have informed hubby I will not be going. I have asked my mother's helper to pencil in that weekend and come over to help.

I don't know if 2.5 yo dd will go with DH. I think it'll be hard on her to be gone so long without me. We'll make that decision later. And probably try to lay out her choices as clearly as possible.

 

[sunflowergirll]

Oh and my mom agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to try to fly halfway across the country. But then gave me a good guilt trip for living so far away ...

 

[kdaisy]

Best wishes for a safe and speedy delivery!

 

[Jessy1019]

I'd go to both events and have fun. Then again, if it involves travel, I'm always up for it.

We drove eight hours to VA Beach with my son when he was 6ish weeks old. It was no big deal . . . just make sure you take enough breaks to nurse (and don't develop mastitis like I did on our ride home)!

 

[lilyka]

I had no trouble traveling with newborns nor staying home alone with newborns and toddlers (I never had any help after the births of my children from their father

: )

I would not worry about people talking about you. just be sure dh has pitures

personally, I would stay home and send toddler with dh. like you said his family is good about helping out.,

 

[proudmomof4]

First of all: best wishes for a good birth!

:
IMO, you are entitled to a little "selfishness" right now - no "guilt-trips" please (pun intended). Some said it before - graduation is a big deal but so is having a baby and taking care of mother and baby postnatally. I think your plan to see how you feel and work from there is the best you can do right now.