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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband asked me today if we could try a separation while living together - kind of like roommates. He said he doesn't want to get a divorce and then a month later realize he made a mistake.

Well about 30 minutes after that conversation he made reservations for a business trip to Orlando. I automatically get cc'd via email on the trips - turns out he's going to Orlando via Minnesota. He's been going to a strip club a lot and his favorite stripper is visiting family in MN and he's going there tomorrow for the day then on to Orlando at night.

Is this how a separation goes? He said that he wouldn't go outside of our wedding vows - no dating, no sex, etc. He doesn't think it's odd that he'd go visit his friend and was upset that it made me cry and doesn't consider that going outside of our vows. *ponder*
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by PikkuMyy View Post
This "friend" is the favorite stripper?

If that's so, that is SO going outside of your vows!

Yup that's her. That's what I thought but I'm known to get a bit neurotic at times so thought I'd run that by some other folks. Right now I'm waiting for a username change so don't want to say much.

We don't have any joint accounts - he removed me as authorized user from the account of his I was on.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by GC_Mom View Post
Yup that's her. That's what I thought but I'm known to get a bit neurotic at times so thought I'd run that by some other folks. Right now I'm waiting for a username change so don't want to say much.

We don't have any joint accounts - he removed me as authorized user from the account of his I was on.
Move whatever checking $$ or savings $$ you have into something in your name only. Seriously. He's messing with your head if he is trying to tell you that a special stripper friends of his that he is going to visit is not going outside your marriage vows. She's taking him for a ride and he's going to "need to help her out" very shortly, and that will cost you more than your marriage.
 

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Oh, mama, I read both your posts, and you need to get a lawyer, FAST. If he wants to live like a freewheeling single guy, he does not get to have you and your beautiful children waiting around "just in case he changes his mind." F that, no way.

 

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The audacity of that man makes me laugh. No, I am not laughing at your situation, Mama, but this borders on ridiculous.

This guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. Wants to live like roommates? Wants you and the kids to wait on him, is more like it, while he fritters around like some single guy.

That is unacceptable and he is being a real jerk for even thinking that this is okay.

If he wants to go see some other woman, perhaps he shouldn't get to come back home.
 

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I have to agree with the others - it sounds to me like in this situation your husband is saying "I want to date and sleep with other women without the incovenience of finding my own house. I want you and my kids to sit around here waiting for me to make up my mind while I have a great time sleeping around. Thanks!"

I hope I'm wrong, but experience is telling me that I'm probably right, unfortunately...
 

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Wow. The only way I can handle strip clubs is by knowing it is an alternate world that doesn't bleed into real life. Once it does? It needs to stop immediately. No matter what he thinks, strippers flirt for money. That's their job. That would annoy me because #1 he's not separating fantasy and reality, #2 he's probably being taken for a ride, and #3 he's spending money that could probably go to much more important things.

He apparently wants a "trial separation" so he can pursue her without feeling guilty and come back to you if it doesn't work out. Call him on that. Loud and clear. I'm willing to bet he thinks he's being honorable, but he's not!

More importantly, if you want things to work out, you need to figure out why he is trying to pursue this woman. Why is he unhappy with you? As un-PC as it sounds, I think we often drive men away by nagging or just being unpleasant. We (women) know it is important to suck it up, do what needs to be done for our homes and families and be committed, but I've finally figured out that men sometimes don't work that way.

Or is he just the cheating type? In which case, just ignore the past paragraph!
 

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i agree with what others have stated. his behavoir is deplorable. he wants you as a 'back up plan.' it's up to you if you want to allow yourself to be this, but it seems to me that he isn't really dedicated to the relationship.

i would suggest a trial separation with two separate homes. he can get an apartment near your kids (so that he can have some contact with them). i suggest that you do separate finances and get a lawyer as well.

good luck to you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I agree he wants to keep me as a backup in case it doesn't work out in this girl. Honestly here I used to work as a stripper - for 2 years back in my early 20s. I never took it outside the club. I know the game and she's playing the game. I asked him if he thought she'd still be his friend if he stopped paying her and he said yes - wrong.

I asked him this morning before he left if he felt this was OK. He said yes, they were just friends and he wasn't going to do anything. I told him I consider him going to visit a woman in another state (and trying to hide it) goes outside of our vows. I told him it looks really bad for a married man to chase a stripper around the country. He disagrees and seems to think its OK.

Last night he cried a lot because I asked him to make sure the kids stay as the beneficiary on his life insurance. I said a year or two down the road when you have a new wifey I want to make sure the kids are taken care of. That broke him down, did I have sympathy? Not a bit.

His problem with me is that I aggravate him. I aggravate him when I find out he has online dating profiles. I aggravate him when I find out that he's gone to the strip club for the umpteenth time. I aggravate him when I find out he's driven home drunk again. I aggravate him when he's rounded the $6k mark on strippers. He wants some time away from that aggravation and he's hoping without it he'll be able to have feelings for me again. So basically it's all my fault.
:

Financial issues present a big problem - we can't afford 2 domiciles. I am a SAHM. The second I do anything he's going to transfer the direct deposit and I'm going to have access to no money for the kids, groceries, gas, etc. He's already setup a secondary bank account.

I did talk to a lawyer yesterday but then all this happened last night. I'm going to call him again today for advice.

I feel like he just jammed his hand into my chest and ripped out my heart. I am numb. Watching him leave this morning knowing where he was going was the last straw.
 

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wait, it's 'aggrivating' to him when you point out his inappropriate and selfish behavoirs?

i'm sorry, but i would turn it on him: 'it's aggrivating when you drive drunk, when you put up online dating profiles, spend money that would be better spent on family on strippers, etc."

tell your lawyer about the financial issues in detail and specifics--who's earning the money, where it goes, etc.

also, start considering opportunities for employment. ask around for WAH opportunities in particular. one of my friends does medical transcription in her home. makes a lot of money and is always with her 6 kids (well, most of them are in school during the day. . .but you get the idea). it can be done!
 

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Oh I am so so sorry. I hate him for you right now, what an asshat! Call your lawyer, and tell them everything. It sounds like, from your post you really are being very reasonable and you are looking at this very clear headed. We don't need to tell you this is wrong, you know it is. He's a nut, and he's blind sighted by this woman's affections to the point that he is not thinking remotely clearly. He probably really has convinced himself he is doing no wrong. But in a marriage to blame you for not wanting him to have on line dating profiles? Um no, sorry jerk face, marriage doesn't work that way.

Again I am so sorry, no matter how in the right you are and in the wrong he is, I know this has to hurt.
 

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what he is doing to you is manipulative.

This is coming from a guy.

Don't allow yourself to be in this situation. If he wants to take a month off to go play, he needs to go get his own place and do whatever he wants.

A separation is a separation. There are no wedding vows during a separation and if he tells you there are then he has no idea what a real separation is.

The only reason to have a separation is to go out and see if you can either 1- make it on your own or 2- be with someone else.

He obviously doesn't want to make it on his own. He is living with you still.

You can make your own judgements on what I said and if it lines up with you, but you shouldn't have to deal with the emotional rollercoaster he is about to take you on, and in the end it is still up to him weather he wants to be with you or not?..... Don't give him so much power.
 

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I have a friend that did a trial separation while living with her ex. It worked ok as far as childcare and such, but it was kind of hard with finances. He refused to pay "her" mortgage, but didn't want to pay child support either since he was still there. He traded in her minivan that was almost paid for and bought a brand new truck...they had to split the bills even, so he screwed her there and he knew it...even joked about it. He would lock her out if she stayed out too late for his comfort.

Once he moved out, he had to start paying child support and she could start getting dshs help with daycare, etc. It was actually harder for her financially with him still in the house. She would have protected herself more if she had filed a formal separation which would keep him from adding debt to the marraige and kept her from having to refinance her house to pay for his new truck and made him pay child support.

It sounds to me like your dh wants to try out this stripper and see if that works out for him, then decide if he wants to leave you. Men don't really leave until they have somewhere else to go...that's what I've always seen and heard.

Good luck with your decision.
Lisa
 

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Again, WHO tells these guys that they have the right to just stop supporting their families, or that they have some right to run around and keep the SAHM under their thumb.

If you "do something", he will remove all income and way to pay bills and make his children destitute and possibly homeless? That is absolutely the lowest, scumbag thing anyone can do. I would definitely check with the attorney. In some places, he would have to pay you alimony, at least until you have the chance to get on your feet.

I have to wonder what these guys mothers think of how they behave?

My husband pulled this "I make the money" BS on me once and how I just need to leave. I told him that the day he provides me with the funds for at least 6 months of living, housing and whatever else is necessary to provide for the children HE helped create, then he can go his merry way. Hasn't happened yet and he shut his yap.
 

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((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS ))))))))))))))))))))))) mama. It really sounds to me like he is just waiting to have someone in the wings and then you are going to get served with divorce papers. I am glad you are consulting with an attorney, that is extremely important. As for the separation, two can play at that game, so to speak. I would insist on alimony and child support payments, you are separated after all. I would not lift one finger to do a damn thing for him, no cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, etc... Do only what you need to do for the kids and yourself. Keep a laundry basket handy and if he starts leaing stuff all over the house simply pile it up in the basket and leave it for him so that you and the kids can have a decent place to live, and I'd include dirty dishes in that too. Let him see what it's going to be like to not have his wife there, what it will be like to live alone. I think his sole request for a separation is so that he can cheat on you and then can tell anyone who finds out about it " hey, we were separated at the time". Uh uh!!!!!
Keep talking to the attorney and be ready to protect your own interests.
 

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How long is he out of town? Can yo box up his clothes and toiletries and have them waiting on the front porch with the locks changed when he gets home? Don't wash or fold anything for him before boxing it up either. Of course check with the lawyer about the lock changing first.

Also do you have family that can help out in between when your child support and alimony come in? I know it would be the worst, and even most embarrassing thing in the world to have to tell your parents what he is doing for you, but maybe they can float you a couple thousand dollars in the mean time?
 
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