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Discussion Starter #1
<p>If you read my other posts, you kinda have an idea what's going on...that I'm leaving a probable NPD. Well, he's still living in the house with me and today he got a letter from my lawyer regarding the provisional agreement. She's basically asking for half his pay for me and baby. </p>
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<p>Anyway, so now he's pretty much having a tantrum about it, even though he knows I am letting my lawyer do the fighting and am trying to stay out of it. I've encouraged him to seek legal counsel about this so he can make sure he gets a "fair" deal. But seeing as how I've had to boil water on the stove if I want to take a bath, but he's been paying $1200/month on his big red truck, you can imagine what he sees as fair.</p>
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<p>He keeps saying the reason he didn't go back for a SECOND FREAKING SESSION with a therapist is that I wouldn't drop the divorce. My stance is that I'm not going to drop the divorce until I'm able to get some feedback from a therapist stating that he's not a SOCIOPATH.</p>
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<p>He keeps pushing me for a mediator who will "represent us both". He doesn't like that my lawyer is doing a good job of looking out for my interests. Um.</p>
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<p>Please tell me this is all super typical? Obviously, there's always two sides to everything, but he is so angry at me and it just makes me sick to my stomach as he calls me all sorts of things. Abusive, manipulative, etc.</p>
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<p>I guess the mere fact that it hurts so much when he says those things is because I care, and the reason he feels so justified is because he's narcissistic. He keeps bringing up all the crap in my past that I've told him about how I have issues with my family. It's all proof to him that I'm the one everything is wrong with.</p>
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<p>A few more weeks and he'll be far away.</p>
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<p>I just need a hug.</p>
<p> </p>
 

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<p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
 

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Discussion Starter #3
<p>Thank you. I sure hope that him being far away in the future and the divorce being final will prevent him from trying to discuss things with me. He just emailed me from the other room to say, and I quote, "for the purposes of at least getting along in the future, the only<br>
reason I called you a name is because you called me one first. I'm reacting to your escalations."</p>
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<p>I did tell him that I'm very angry with him for a lot of things and that part of me really feels that he's an asshole. That's what he calls my "escalations".</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyway. I hate this all.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #4
<p>I'm sorry - I reread my post and to me it all sounds petty. Maybe it is. On the one hand, I've SEEN what he's said and done to me - and so have some of my friends - and heard his rational. Then on the other hand, ten minutes after swearing at me, he will sit and talk about DD, TV, and how good he thinks I look for having gained 40 lbs...and he acts so very uncreepy. It really makes me feel like he's a good guy and it's all just miscommunications...but no, I know that's just me forgetting and being in denial about the moments when he's crossed the line, as well as the way he's behaved towards me for as long as we were married until the moment he realized I had decided to leave AND had filed for divorce.</p>
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<p>I feel bad because here a lot of you have been through physical abuse, and on the surface STBX doesn't appear violent. Yet, I feel like vomitting when he's mad at me, and I realize that comes from fear of what he's going to do. Today he called me 3 times in the space of an hour while I was in a doc appt because he wanted me to come home to talk about the letter my lawyer sent him. I didn't want to go home, but I had to take my medication that was there, so I called him to see how mad he was before I drove home so that I could go somewhere else if he was really upset.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>3 more wks and he's leaving the state.</p>
 

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<p>I don't think it sounds petty. You are trying to stay sane in a really crazy situation. That would be hard for anyone to do. <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"></span></p>
 

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<p>I only have a second to respond right now since I have a toddler trying to help me type...but yes, yes, yes, you absolutely need a lawyer who will look out for your best interests. You NPD STBX certainly isn't interested in anything but looking out for number one, and coming out of such a mindgame situation, you need help looking out for yourself.</p>
<p>Don't let him manipulate you into dropping your lawyer. It's insanely hard to advocate for yourself as you're leaving abuse. You will be so well served to have someone to advocate for you.</p>
<p>Huge hugs to you. It's such a hard situation, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong, and keep coming back here for reality checks.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #7
<p>Thank you. I will keep my lawyer for sure. I guess the best thing about all this is that by involving legally binding agreements, it becomes more clear who is really the manipulative person in all of this. At least, to me. I'm not going to discuss with him anything beyond DD and TV shows with him anymore because he is parroting back to me like an echo anything that I've said about the way he's treated me. It is a mind game, but how is it that he can seem so completely SINCERE about believing what he himself says?</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>bananabee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279848/trying-to-be-strong#post_16051381"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p><br>
Thank you. I will keep my lawyer for sure. I guess the best thing about all this is that by involving legally binding agreements, it becomes more clear who is really the manipulative person in all of this. At least, to me. I'm not going to discuss with him anything beyond DD and TV shows with him anymore because he is parroting back to me like an echo anything that I've said about the way he's treated me. It is a mind game, but how is it that he can seem so completely SINCERE about believing what he himself says?</p>
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<br><br>
Yin<br>
Ive been separated since May and I still have to remind myself (or come here so someone else can remind me) You will likely never be able to understand his behavior. He is mentally ill. Chances are, he will not get better. It is sooooo frustrating to watch the cycle of abuse in my life. To see x try to suck me in and STILL I question why he wants/needs to abuse me. For me, at this stage, the safer and healthier route is to focus on healing myself. Daily meditations, affirmations, realistic goals, support here and in real life.<br><br>
Hope these next three weeks whiz by.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>bananabee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279848/trying-to-be-strong#post_16051226"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br>
 Yet, I feel like vomitting when he's mad at me...</div>
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<br><br><p>Hah. Turns out I have the stomach flu. Not that the rest of this makes my stomach feel any better. Anyway, irony...</p>
 

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<p>Just wanted to chime in with this: being with a narcissist is a mind f****. You're NEVER right, you're always a horrible person, it's always your fault, and you'll PAY for not putting the narcissist first before all else. It can (and does) drive you completely insane.</p>
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<p>Remember your ultimate goal. Count down the days until the 3 weeks are over. You're going to make it out of this with the help of your lawyer. Do something FOR YOU every single day, and perhaps utter a few choices affirmations to strengthen your resolve. Or post here everyday. We'll count the days down with you!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>*hugs*</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>bananabee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279848/trying-to-be-strong#post_16051381"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Thank you. I will keep my lawyer for sure. I guess the best thing about all this is that by involving legally binding agreements, it becomes more clear who is really the manipulative person in all of this. At least, to me. I'm not going to discuss with him anything beyond DD and TV shows with him anymore because he is parroting back to me like an echo anything that I've said about the way he's treated me. It is a mind game, but how is it that he can seem so completely SINCERE about believing what he himself says?</p>
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<br><br><p> He does believe it.  That doesn't make it correct.  <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
 

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<p>hope you make it through the next 3 weeks quickly and keep your attorney,   don't let him wear you down!!!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Good luck :)</p>
 

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<p>Don't worry about the part of not seeing physical abuse. I think most of us will agree the mental part messes you up a lot. I would definately keep your lawyer. It's totally typical what he is doing. I'm divorcing my XH who I believe is BPD and even though I'm the higher wage earner he is throwing fits all the time about what he thinks is fair. <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="width:22px;height:15px;"></span></p>
 

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Discussion Starter #14
<p>Thank you, ladies. Your support and info is so helpful. The more I read about the cycle of abuse and how this all tends to work, the more I understand my part in it and even moreso why I need to get out.</p>
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<p>As for him, he accused me of "abandonment" recently. I don't think he knows what that means. Yes, I filed for divorce and am leaving him, but DD and I have slept every night and spent time at home. Then he disappeared without saying anything. He didn't leave me any money for food this time, and our joint account is about empty. I assume he is visiting his family. I've tried calling him once or twice a day for the last 3 days, and his phone was off, then on again. Talk about abandonment. I'm finally getting around to documenting things and am thinking I may ask for a psychological evaluation on him before we discuss physical custody. Not that he wants her for more than 10 mins at a time. He's done things like leaving her sleeping out in the garage where anyone off the street could walk up and take her (our driveway is 12 ft long) without us knowing. Or who knows what could happen. The more I think about it, the more I realize how insane that is. :( The one downside to taking Lexapro is that I stay so calm and don't get angry easily when I really need to to be that mamma bear. I still waver a bit on what to do for a variety of reasons...but it all comes down to fear, which I need to overcome for DD's sake.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Btw, he says he'll be leaving Dec 6th after our provisional hearing, if not sooner (if we get things worked out on paper sooner). Two more weeks!</p>
 

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<p>Stay strong.  I know it's kinda a mantra around here.  But I promise, life does get easier after you have fully completed the work necessary to remove the abuser from you life.  As long as he is in your life in a personal way (not including your DC) then there is always room for drama.  And even once it is only about the children, there is still room for drama.  But at least you know you have your space, your personal safety set up that he can't invade without your permission.  So stay strong, it is worth the work to get to that point. <img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif">  </p>
 

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<p>I really believe that the more you know about abuse in general, the better you're able to understand your own situation.</p>
<p>Have you talked any more to your lawyer? Be completely honest with them about the abuse. That may impact how they handle things.</p>
<p>Also, just one thing to be prepared for ... he might go away in two weeks without a fight, and that would be awesome. But be emotionally prepared and fortified for the chance that he might suddenly start fighting the divorce. It's a rare abuser to go away quietly.You said he's getting deployed, right? It's really great if he doesn't have a choice about leaving. But if he does get difficult, just remember that you're doing the right thing. Hang in there and stay strong. Life is so much better on the other side.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #17
<p>He's not getting deployed, he's getting restationed in SC for a year of nuclear training. I'm writing everything down and will send it to my lawyer. That seems to be so much more effective for explaining because it's really when you see all his behavior together that it adds up to abuse.</p>
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<p>Right now he's disappeared since Friday night when he went to a party. I'm assuming by now that he's out of town visiting his family, but he hasn't been answering his phone. It was off for a couple days, and now it's on again. There's $37 dollars in our joint account. Usually if he's mad, he writes me nasty emails.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What should I do? His command is closed for the holidays, and I'm not really going to starve, though I may run out of diapers. I could use my credit card and just give receipts to my lawyer, I guess. I do have some money in my account, but it was going to pay off last months expenses that I put on my card.</p>
 

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What a UAV. He's moved on to tactic # 43 in the "How to Abuse Your Wife Manual." Basically, he's using this no contact as a way to try to punish you. He probably is thinking of it in those very terms, punishment. While the financial side of it does suck, don't let the rest of it get to you. He expects you to be calling him constantly, and begging him for contact. Don't play into his hand. Also, the single best thing you can do for yourself right now is practice detachment. Don't care what he does. Don't care what he thinks. Don't care how he feels. Don't speculate on how he feels. It's hard, but if you can do it, everything gets so much easier. You're splitting with a narcissist, someone who has very little true human empathy. Many of a narcissist's outwardly directed emotions aren't real. They've just gotten really good at learning how to fake the social signs of things like compassion in order to manipulate other people. Anyway, in abuse in general, the abuser kind of trains you how to respond to his crazy abusive actions. He trains you to feel things like guilt, fear, etc. But barring violent physical abuse, most of what an abuser can do is just psychological manipulation, just smoke and mirrors. It's things like turning off his phone and not coming home for a week. Stupid, childish stuff that normal people just don't do. Right now, he expects you to feel a certain way in response to his actions, like frantic or guilty or off-balance. Don't play into it. Don't let him dictate your emotions. Register that his actions are wildly inappropriate. Feel annoyed or angry -- anger is the appropriate emotion in situations like this, not guilt or fear. And feel glad that you're leaving him. Also, I want to reiterate this: there's a chance he'll leave quietly and pay what he's offered and things will be amicable. But that's not how abusers usually do things. Breaking up with an abuser is typically a pain in the ass. That's because they think of you not as a person, but rather as their property. The closer it gets to the actual move, the more you can expect him to act out. Just be prepared for that. I have total faith that you can get through it, but just know that it might be challenging.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
<p> </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
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<div>That's because they think of you not as a person, but rather as their property....The closer it gets to the actual move, the more you can expect him to act out.</div>
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<p> Mamajen, You are so right about that. That makes total sense and fits with what I've been sensing. Him being in the Navy, there are real consequences if he gets real crazy. There is also a chance he could get a time extension to be here longer. That would be months longer. If the divorce does drag out that long, it just means I'll have medical insurance for longer.</p>
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<p>Anger - that's how I got sucked into this position in the first place - by not having enough anger. That's been a problem throughout my life. It has often occurred to me, and been said to me by close friends that they would have been REALLY angry if their husband did X Y or Z to them.</p>
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<p>I see where this comes from, too. Tmw I'll see my therapist. We're planning to talk about my relationship w/my mom. I look back on my childhood and hear her telling me how to feel about things all the time. "Don't get your hopes up", "That was unnecessary", "Don't get too excited", "Don't be mad at your brother", and much much more. She's raised me as if I were an extension of her, so it's taken me a lot of work to realize my own feelings, opinions, boundaries, etc. My sister, on the other hand is very fluent at using anger, neglect, and contempt to manipulate my mom. My sister and I don't get along AT ALL. I refuse to be left alone in the same room with her because of the constant power struggle between us. She will not respect my boundaries and I'm selfish/wrong/a bitch for having them. I hate people like that. Her demand is that I subject everything in my life to her review and judgment because only she is an authority on how to live. Going home for Christmas is going to be so fun. Again, I say thank GOD for Lexapro!!</p>
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<p>Ugh. All this stuff is so heavy and stressful. I can't wait to have my own place again. The thing that bothers me most right now regarding STBX is not that he's gone and unreachable (what's new?) but that he could come in at any moment. Though by now, I assume he's at his mom's for the holidays. But it just shows what a real UAV he is that he doesn't even care to spend time with his daughter. Doesn't miss her, etc. This is EXACTLY why I didn't want to have him kicked out or scheduled to spend time with her. The more access he's offered, the less interesting she/we are.</p>
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<p>Well, back to cleaning the house. Going to get the Christmas decorations out!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sorry this post (and probably my others) is so disjointed. It's the sleep-deprivation combined w/baby interruptions.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>bananabee</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1279848/trying-to-be-strong#post_16068219"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>He's not getting deployed, he's getting restationed in SC for a year of nuclear training. I'm writing everything down and will send it to my lawyer. That seems to be so much more effective for explaining because it's really when you see all his behavior together that it adds up to abuse.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Right now he's disappeared since Friday night when he went to a party. I'm assuming by now that he's out of town visiting his family, but he hasn't been answering his phone. It was off for a couple days, and now it's on again. There's $37 dollars in our joint account. Usually if he's mad, he writes me nasty emails.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What should I do? His command is closed for the holidays, and I'm not really going to starve, though I may run out of diapers. I could use my credit card and just give receipts to my lawyer, I guess. I do have some money in my account, but it was going to pay off last months expenses that I put on my card.</p>
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<p><br>
As far as paying for necessities, yes. I'd put it on the credit card if available and save the receipt. I'd also email your lawyer now, and let him/her know what the financial situation is and what your needs and options are. Every email you create and sends makes a paper trail that your attorney can refer back to later if things go to trial.<br>
 </p>
 
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