[cheeseRjedi]

well, i don't know if this is even the right place to be posting, but i just feel like i need to get it all out and i saw some other threads with similar situations.

my first baby is due next month and i'm not sure if my partner is ready to handle all this. we honestly didn't know eachother for a long time before i got pregnant but we felt like it was meant to be and we thought we would be good parents. and at times, i still think that. a couple months ago, i moved across country to be with him and start our family out west. also, there is somewhat of an age difference and sometimes i just feel like we don't connect like we did at first. i am pretty young - i will end up being a momma a month before i turn 21. i have never regretted getting pregnant. it is exactly what i needed in my life and i am extremely happy to be bringing a new life into this world.

since i moved out here, he has basically been my sole support and i feel like he is scared but doesn't want to talk to me about it. i feel like i've compromised a lot more than he has - if he has at all. he is still going out and partying most nights of the week and i think it's his escape from responsibilty. i find us starting to be resentful of eachother for various reasons. he has this self proclaimed 'sober date' a month before i'm due and i think he believes he will instantly be perfect once it comes. if there's anything i've learned during this part of my life, it's that you have to take things in stride and do what you feel is right.

tonight he went out to some party at a bar after we planned to have a quiet night at home. he came home to tell me before he went out and he said he knew it was a stupid idea. so i asked him why he was going and he said
'because that's what we do in life. we do things we have no right to be doing'. how can someone who honestly thinks that be responsible enough to take care of a child?

and i don't know of this is just a phase for him, but how am i supposed to rely on him to be there for the baby when i can't rely on him to be there for me when the baby is still inside me? am i being selfish for needing him to be here for me?

i am just feeling lonely and sometimes i feel so helpless. the other week,the weight of the situation had me in tears and i think it got to him and he said he needed to be there for me more,but then nothing really changed. i know he is excited to be a daddy but sometimes i feel like it's only on the surface. i feel like i've done the best job i can to put aside my wants and fears to be good for my baby and i know this is going to be the most important thing i will ever do, i just feel like i'm going at this all by myself.

anyways, thanks for letting me get it all out. it feels better just seeing my thoughts in print than having all these questions floating around my brain.

~cathy

 

[nora--not a llama]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know what it is like to feel totally alone while pregnant! In answer to a couple of your questions...

how am i supposed to rely on him to be there for the baby when i can't rely on him to be there for me when the baby is still inside me? am i being selfish for needing him to be here for me?

First of all, you can't expect him to be there for the baby if he won't be there for the baby's mother. And secondly, NO you are not being selfish!!!!

I know that I don't know you, and to be honest I don't know your exact situation, but I have been pregnant and alone and hoping wishing praying that my stbx would change. And if I had known then what I know now, I would have left him a long time ago. Granted, my stbx has a mental illness that he chooses to deny and ignore and not do anything about, but it does not sound like your partner has any interest in changing either. You have to do what is best for YOU and YOUR BABY!!! But...only you can decide what that is. Please listen to yourself, listen to your heart and do not try to talk yourself out of what you know is right for you. You have to take care of yourself and your baby...no one else can do that for you.

Lots of prayers being sent your way! I am so sorry that you have to deal with this!
Blessings!

 

[L.J.]

Congrats on being pregnant. Children are such a miracle. I'm sorry that the pregnancy has been difficult and stressful with this relationship.

Only you will know if and/or when you need to do something about the relationship. No matter how much you want this man to change or be different, he has to make those changes within himself and for himself. The only thing you can decide is if this is a relationship that you want or can be part of and still be true to yourself. If you follow your heart, it will tell you what is best for you and your baby. Listen to it.

I wish you well on this journey and wish you a healthy, safe birth experience.

 

[meemee]

things really changed between my husband and me when i got pregnant (planned pregnancy) after being together for 7 years. i was the major supporter which was going to change after i had my baby.

well of course he started doing all the things u mentioned and continued after our dd was born. even more so than usual. i tried really hard till we finally separated when my dd was 18 months old when i asked him to leave or call the police.

what i want to tell u is i had those exact same doubts when i was preggo. he would do things like let me work home from work (15 mins walk) at midnight and i was too ashamed to let my coworkers give me a ride everytime. later i learnt they would follow me in secret just to make sure i got home ok. i stayed for all the wrong reasons - wondering how i would make it alone, my baby needs her father, yada yada yada...

but yet i worked trying to make our relationship work.

i have been so much at peace since we separated. he is v. active in his dd's life but only does what he has to - not beyond. i actually would have been happier if he was out of her life because she misses him and he doesnt make an effort to spend a decent time with her. plus i dont agree with his parenting style which is - she is almost 3. she SHOULD behave this way. i dont doubt he loves her but he is the kind of person who should never have been a father as he cannot rise to the ocassion of being a father. instead of spending time with her he chooses to go for parties or card games or off to play some sports.

one of the mistakes i made was to ignore to see who was putting in the extra work for the relationship. i found i was the one giving up most just to have him there.

but on the other hand i can understand him being scared and socialising outside. look for other signs apart from bars. does he help with housework. is he caring? does he do little 'awwww' things for u. is he there for u at times? i think sometimes pregnant hormones get to them adn they cant handle it.

the baby appearing and everythiing changing is just a fairy tale. look at his actions not his words. figure out ur action plan if u do decide to be a single mom. who would be ur support system. do u have family who will take u in till u stand on ur feet. if finance is ur issue look at WIC, welfare. u can do this on ur own. it is going to be tough but is not impossible.

if u feel u need to work on ur relationship do it for as long as u feel right. in the meantime do ur research.

take care of urself mama. life is not as bad as u think it might be.

 

[StephandOwen]

I only have a minute but have to say that sounds so familiar it's scary. I hate to tell you but, in my situation, it doesn't get any better. After the baby was born he was still being a lazy SOB who only thought of himself. He has still, in the 20 months since DS was born, never bought him anything, never went out of his way to see him, and has only changed his diaper a few times (I can count on 2 hand- and all those were because his mom refused to change them those times so he was forced to change him). I lasted a little less than 2 months after my DS was born before I left. It's so much easier taking care of 1 baby, instead of 1 baby and 1 full grown man who wants to act like a baby

Good luck!

 

[cheeseRjedi]

thankyou everyone. i really do take all your advice to heart.

when he came home that night,he was totally incoherent but luckily,he had the common sense to know to sleep on the couch. the next morning he came in to say he was sorry and i completely shut him out. he was saying how we can't be like this right now and he knew it was his fault. that afternoon,we had a *long* talk and i told him how i was feeling about everything and since then, he has really been making an effort not to be a [email protected].

and he does still do things around the house,and does little cute things for me and the baby...so we are going to see how things progress.

thankyou for your insight everyone

~cathy

 

[Jilian]

Well....There are two ways you can look at it:

The first is that he is intimidated about the thought of becoming a dad and he's trying to get all of his partying done before the baby arrives.

The second is that he is not really ready to become a dad and he is partying as an escape from reality.

My ex was the same way when I was preg. I felt alone a lot and spent a lot of time crying, when DS was born he was better for a while, then he went back to being selfish and needing to go out all of the time. Which meant that me and Aiden spent a lot of time alone. I guess you just need to follow your heart on this one. Maybe things will get better after the baby comes? Have you talked to him about how your feeling? Has he expressed any fears about parenthood to you? Maybe try having a heart-to-heart and really let him know how you're feeling.