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I'm trying so hard to get help, but it's like it's not meant to be or something. I've gotten to the point where I just can't live like this anymore. It's not fair to my children, my husband, or myself. It's going to be a very long life if I don't get better. I've been depressed for years--I was treated a few years ago towards the end of my first marriage but I had to stop seeing my doctor and stop the medication because I lost my insurance. And for a short time I thought I had gotten better. Well here I am five years later and I'm right back in that same exact dark place I was before. I'm not going to describe it, I'm sure you all know....<br><br>
I have insurance now (NJ Family Care) and I went to the doctor my husband sees (a regular doctor) and I was given a "prescription" for a psychiatrist. So I called the hospital he recommended and they aren't taking new patients. I just called another place and they told me they can't patients with out-of-county medicaid. So I called the place in my county and I had a choice of two cities with offices--they are supposed to give my info to the city closer to me...but they haven't called back.<br><br>
It takes all I have to make these calls. I have severe anxiety when it comes to making phone calls. I don't know who else to call. This is really hard for me. It took me years to get up the courage to call a doctor in the first place.<br><br>
I told my husband I need to see a therapist and I think he's actually mad about it. He feels like it's either all in my head and I can snap out of it, or he can fix my problem since he's the cause of it (he's not). I let it slip to his mother that I needed to talk to someone and he said that was probably the worst thing I could have done. She was very critical of me when she found out I used medication to get through my divorce (she didn't need that, so why should I?). According to her, I need to "think positive thoughts" and I need a friend. Yes I do need a friend, but honestly, who wants to be badgered with someone's problems? People have their own problems. I told her I need a therapist, not a friend.<br><br>
I have so much inside of me that's it's boiling. Except I can't feel anything on the outside. I'm at war with myself. Sometimes I have good days. Really good days. I feel in control. Then poof that dark cloud comes back and I turn into a monster.<br><br>
My mother would also tell me I need a friend. No one seems to get that I'm 32 and I've had *5* friends in my entire life. Isn't it obvious that I have trouble making and keeping friends? My MIL offered to babysit so I could go out with a friend. I asked if these imaginary friends were supposed to fall out of the sky? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"> I believe I have a social anxiety disorder on top of everything else. People just aren't easy for me. I try to avoid them.<br><br>
If I had a "real problem" they'd want me to see a doctor right? Why is this poo-pooed? I'm in agony right now. My children are afraid of me. My husband thinks I hate him. I can see this marriage ending too because of me. He knows my family history. This stuff is genetic. My grandmother had A&D and needed valium, my father is depressive, my younger sister is bipolar. I don't see it as my "destiny" but I've suffered with with this so long that I'm beginning to wonder if it's just my personality. But it's so awful feeling that it can't possibly be "me".
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">We're hear to listen. I know it isn't much help but know that I hear you.<br><br>
I'm glad you are reaching out. The mental health system can be tough to navigate but it sounds like you are doing the right things. Be kind to yourself. Don't give up as you and your family are worth it!
 

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Couldn't read without posting. Congratulations on everything you have done for yourself so far, it sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourself and your family. I hope one of the doctors gets back to you soon. Sending you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/goodvibes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Goodvibes"> and lots of support. Let us know what happens.
 

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How are you doing Mama? Do you have any other family you can talk to you? Have you talked to your mother about how you feel? Maybe she could help you make some calls.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>liliaceae</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15466851"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">How are you doing Mama? Do you have any other family you can talk to you? Have you talked to your mother about how you feel? Maybe she could help you make some calls.</div>
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Hi,<br>
I'm hanging in there. I have an appointment scheduled (finally) for the end of June, which seems ages away but I feel a tiny bit better knowing it's there. My husband and I took a little trip over the weekend with our daughter and I felt really good, but now today I feel *it* creeping back up on me. That time of the month is approaching also, and for two weeks like clockwork I'm a monster. Now that I'm seeing a pattern it's even worse <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">.<br><br>
As far as my mother, she isn't the most sympathetic type, I think she might feel a bit bad for me, but her answer to everything is, you need a friend! you need a job! you need to get out of the house! And my answer would be NO! I have a social anxiety disorder--and I've had a total of five friends my entire life--so it's not like it's easy for me to make friends (and yes I've tried, but it just exhausts me!). I don't think working would help because then a new can of worms is opened up with who's going to take care of my kids, what if my husband doesn't get home from work on time, my house will fall apart, etc. And getting out of the house doesn't really help, because everything costs money, which we have none of. And then I feel guilty that my husband has to put up with everything at home, and he surely deserves time too.<br><br>
My mother sort of brushes stuff off, and I don't think she's entirely interested in me anymore, at least compared to my sister <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">. I guess we're just not that close. And this is the woman who ridiculed my grandmother for being depressed for *years* after losing her first baby at birth <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">. So yeah, I don't really think she' take me seriously, and she really doesn't have the time for me anyway.<br><br>
I'm sorry, it was a good suggestion, and if my family (all three of them) weren't so messed up, I probably would talk to them. I'm just feeling very distant from my family nowadays, sort of like I'm really not a part of their life at all.<br><br>
So anyway, I'm just counting the days until this appointment, and praying that I get a doctor that can relate to me and can help me in some way. I can't put up with myself anymore, I would have kicked me out of the house a long time ago...
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> Winterlights. I'm listening. And I totally hear you about the phone call thing (I hate phoning anyone, and I'm not even anxious), and about the lack of friends. I have many "friends", but they're all circumstantial: I hang out with them because I see them at regular things like work or choir. If I stop those things, I don't see them. I don't really have any close friends I could share this sort of thing with, and seldom have. To add social anxiety and depression to that sort of situation - bad. But it doesn't mean you can't have friends, or are incapable of friendship, right. Just means you don't have any now, and are not in a frame of mind to attract new friends.<br><br>
Yes, it IS in your head (that's just a fact), but no, you can't snap out of it, and he can't fix it. Those are very typical male responses to wives who are going through tough emotional problems. Be patient and gentle, with him, yourself, and the rest of your family, as best you can.<br><br>
And your mom - sigh. Sending some empathy dust her way: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/dust.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dust">
 

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It can be so very frustrating to have people tell you that you don't need help. That a friend and positive thoughts are all you need. It simply isn't true. In fact, I have burned out a lot of great friendships by mistaking them for therapists. It's true that a friend can help, but for severe mental health issues, you are better off with a trained professional. Making the call is hard, getting to the appointment is hard, trusting a stranger with your innermost thoughts and problems is hard, but it will all be worth it in the end. You can save yourself and your marriage. Don't give up. Don't listen to people who say you "should" be able to do it on your own, trust yourself to continue down the road to recovery. The hardest steps are the first ones. Best Wishes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Well had my intake appointment, finally, after a month or so of waiting. It was just a bunch of questions and me answering in between my crying and trying to control my daughter. I couldn't get an appointment with the actual psychiatrist until the beginning of September <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> but I do have two counseling sessions set up starting end of July.<br><br>
Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. I keep thinking "this is just a bad day", but I'm finding that I'm thinking that almost everyday. Or that this will go away, and maybe it was just PMS. Well that time comes and goes, but the feelings don't leave. Anxiety and depression is like the chicken and the egg. I can't tell which came first in me, and is one the cause of the other.<br><br>
The questions I had the hardest time with were, "what do you do for fun", and "what are your best qualities", and "what do you hope to achieve through therapy". I can't even wrap my head around feeling "normal", and I honestly have no idea what I would do if I felt "okay". I think I'd do more with my kids. To have energy and to be at peace and not worked up in a tizzy over stupid stuff. To enjoy them and just relax. I'd let more stuff slide. To be at the point where people don't have to walk on eggshells around me.<br><br>
I figured out today that the only time I've been sort of okay what after my divorce, when I had some time to myself and I was working. I was taking care of myself to look good for my new love (my now husband), and I felt good going to work everyday (even though I hated the job!). I had people to talk with at work and people to vent to.<br><br>
Now I'm a sahm and I've just sort of fallen apart. I'm left alone with my own thoughts, I dwell on things, I have no one to talk to. I've gained weight, I have no energy or motivation to lose it. I'm climbing the walls. I'm frustrated. There's no money. There's no light at the end of the tunnel.<br><br>
So I don't know where I am, I'm just hoping that this helps in some way.
 

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It's so awful that it takes so long to get help! Do you think you could handle just hanging out with one other mama and her kids? Maybe you could post in your local finding your tribe forum and set up a playdate. It does sound like getting out of the house would be the best thing for you, what about just going to the park or a playground? I'm sorry I don't know much about social anxiety so I don't know if that's possible for you.<br><br>
How old are your kids? Maybe you could try for a part time job and put them in daycare? I know you said it would be a problem deciding what to do for childcare, but is there a reason you couldn't put them in a daycare?<br><br>
I'm sorry I'm not more help, but I'm here to listen if you need someone to talk to. I'm in no way a professional, but if you ever want someone to just talk to, feel free to pm me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s Mama.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>liliaceae</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15569112"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It's so awful that it takes so long to get help! Do you think you could handle just hanging out with one other mama and her kids? Maybe you could post in your local finding your tribe forum and set up a playdate. It does sound like getting out of the house would be the best thing for you, what about just going to the park or a playground? I'm sorry I don't know much about social anxiety so I don't know if that's possible for you.<br><br>
How old are your kids? Maybe you could try for a part time job and put them in daycare? I know you said it would be a problem deciding what to do for childcare, but is there a reason you couldn't put them in a daycare?<br><br>
I'm sorry I'm not more help, but I'm here to listen if you need someone to talk to. I'm in no way a professional, but if you ever want someone to just talk to, feel free to pm me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s Mama.</div>
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I wish it were all that easy. Social anxiety is awful in the sense that I *want* to have friends, I want to meet people, but just the thought of actually doing the meeting and conversing and the such is just so exhausting and impossible. I've tried meeting people and it seems these other moms (and probably myself included) are looking for this Perfect Match. I mean we aren't getting married, just hanging out while the kids play. I wonder how awful I really am if people can't stand to hang out with me for a second play-date.<br><br>
As for getting a job, well I have four kids, and daycare is a financial impossibility. Even with the older kids in school, I'd still have to worry about my youngest. I could work at night, but I wouldn't be able to start a shift until after 7 when dh gets home, and I honestly don't want to leave him in control of the house and the kids when I'm not there. I did apply for a couple of jobs, just for the heck of it. I did have one interview (this was last year) at a baby store. I have five years experience at another baby store. Did I get the job? No. And no call backs for anything else. Either these places aren't actually hiring, or maybe my schedule doesn't mesh, or maybe I'm overqualified. Yes at this point I would be willing to take a drastically lower pay than I was making at my last job, just to have something to do (if I could fit it in!).<br><br>
I thought I was at least going to be taking classes online this fall, turns out I don't qualify for any financial aid, and there's no way we can pay for it out of pocket, and I refuse to take out another loan. So there goes that dream.<br><br>
I don't know how I got into this spot. I feel really stuck.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>winterlights08</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15569239"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yes at this point I would be willing to take a drastically lower pay than I was making at my last job, just to have something to do (if I could fit it in!).... I feel really stuck.</div>
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Little baby steps...<br><br>
Could you find some basic volunteer work that you could do from home in the evenings? Doing something for others (other than your regular family duties) can be helpful in helping you feel a bit better. Maybe something simple, like taking an elderly neighbour's dog for a walk a couple evenings a week or something. Ideally something that puts you into contact with others, but you can ease into that.<br><br>
Or take up a hobby. You really do need something to recharge your batteries, something you enjoy. Don't worry about the people... Do you have a community center in your area that has classes, like knitting, or choir, or anything? Even if it's something you're not sure you'll enjoy, it's a start. And I'd go with a class over a club, since the interactions are a bit more... formalized in a class, which is maybe an easier place to start.
 

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I just wanted to say, keep holding on to hope. Believe that you can find a way out of the darkness you are in. It may be through volunteering or simply picking up a hobby. But in order for you to fill the cups of those you love in your family, your own cup has to be overflowing. Find whatever you can to bring joy into your life.<br><br>
I also struggle with social isolation, as in I have very little social life. I sometimes will only leave my home simply because I need to get myself and DC food. I've been in counseling for just over a year to deal with it and the trauma's that created it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging and listening to yourself and your own needs as a human before those of a mother/wife/daughter/friend/etc.<br><br>
I'll just add that I was traumatized over 15 years ago and thought I had dealt with those issues. But I never had. I had simply buried them and they came back much later to haunt me in a different form. But an excellent therapist has been able to show me that it's all tied in together. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Best wishes to you.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>vancouverlori</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15570005"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Little baby steps...<br><br>
Could you find some basic volunteer work that you could do from home in the evenings? Doing something for others (other than your regular family duties) can be helpful in helping you feel a bit better. Maybe something simple, like taking an elderly neighbour's dog for a walk a couple evenings a week or something. Ideally something that puts you into contact with others, but you can ease into that.<br><br>
Or take up a hobby. You really do need something to recharge your batteries, something you enjoy. Don't worry about the people... Do you have a community center in your area that has classes, like knitting, or choir, or anything? Even if it's something you're not sure you'll enjoy, it's a start. And I'd go with a class over a club, since the interactions are a bit more... formalized in a class, which is maybe an easier place to start.</div>
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Thanks...I do have an application in to be a Girl Scout troop leader, I'm waiting to see if it's been approved. That came to be when I tried signing my daughter up for GS and I was asked if I'd be interested because of a desperate need for leaders in my area. So we'll see.<br><br>
I do have a hobby, I crochet (and knit a bit). So I do have that to distract myself and keep my mind off of things. I've been crocheting for a little over two years and I've found it really helps when I need to block out everything around me. Of course I found myself getting a bit obsessive with it, as I tend to do, and I think it's because it's that one little piece of my world that I have control over.<br><br>
There is a crochet/knit group sort of in my area, and I went to a meetup about a year ago and never went again. Most of the women were quite a bit older than myself, except for two younger women who didn't talk the entire time. And of course I'm not the type to start up a conversation <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">. The funny thing is, I usually crochet, but I happened to bring knitting with me because I was having a problem with something. Turns out everyone was crocheting and couldn't really help me with my knitting problem. I really felt like an odd duck. I suppose I could find a knitting class..I know the basics but I get really frustrated.
 

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I'm sorry you are struggling. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
One way to see a psychiatrist earlier than September is to go through the ER. Some county hospitals even have psychiatric emergency rooms.
 
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