[merryns.mom]

lord, this is hard to write; here's the background:<br>
i've been married before (age 23-he cheated, told me he didn't love me, i finally left), then found my dh. he's super most of the time and we're a great match physically, but i'm having a hard time when things are tough. it feels like it's easy to get out of a marriage, and i don't know how to fight to make one work.<br><br>
anytime i have an issue with anything, i feel like it doesn't matter to him. no matter how i try to word it, i feel as though he thinks once i get mad/upset about something, it will just go away. but it hasn't gone away, same issues every time.<br><br>
i would really like to have a jt checking acct; i end up having to borrow money from my parents every month and will never be able to pay down debt. he says jt checking accts never work and none of his friends have one, and my debt is my fault. (his friends make plenty of money, we do not)<br><br>
he is extremely complacent. i like to have goals, a vision for the family and where we want to go with our lives, but he's fine with how things are now. ugh..i am planning on going to grad school this fall and he doesn't care/have any input.<br><br>
we have a house that is too big for us; i couldn't even keep the old little house tidy and clean, now with a dd and being in school i've not been able to keep this huge house perfect.<br><br>
we have a spare bathroom upstairs-i use it. i like to keep my makeup and hairstuff out so i can touch up at lunch, and in the evenings if i have somewhere to go. for some unknown reason, he takes everything of mine off of the counter and stuffs it in a drawer or cabinet. no one goes upstairs (he won't invite anyone over since our house is a mess). that is my bathroom. i don't go in his "mancave" and throw all of the poker chips, empty beer cans, etc in a box.<br><br>
deep breath. . .anyway, i do love him, and i know he loves me, and i know he grew up in a different family dynamic than i did, and i know that i can only change myself not him. but how can i approach this marriage in such a way where i feel like we can be a team that is working together towards a common goal and not just like coparents that sleep together?<br><br>
when i try to calmly tell him i feel frustrated in our marriage, he blows me off as "tws"=typical women s(tuff); and makes me feel like i really don't matter in the marriage.<br><br>
any advice (besides the why are you still with him) i acknowledge that a marriage is hard work, i want to make this one work<br><br>
thanks

 

[MissLotus]

He is really, really disrespectful of you. He's treating you as though you're lower than him, and that is not okay, and you don't have to accept that. (I hope you don't.)<br><br>
You have to borrow money - but your husband has money? That's messed up. It's fine to have individual checking accounts, but if he's the one working while you're taking care of your child, there either has to be another (joint) account for household expenses, or he has to give you money for household expenses. What kind of man could see his wife going without, and needing something, and then just let her deal with it elsewhere? How come your problems are not his problems? You're right, that isn't a marriage, it's just roommates. And you don't have to keep the house perfect - does he actually complain about that? Tell him to go back to the 1950s or clean it himself if it's not good enough for him.<br><br>
I'd also put a lock on the darn door of the spare bathroom and tell him to stay the heck out if he can't leave your stuff alone. That's just so... don't get me started. I don't like disrespectful cave men. You say he loves you, and you know him and I don't, but I don't see how he's showing it.

 

[doubledutch]

he won't even <i>hear</i> your issues, so how can you (both of you, as a partnership - not just you, singular) work on them?

 

[texmati]

I agree, he needs to be on the same page at the least as wanting this to work.

 

[texmati]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissLotus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15369713"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You have to borrow money - but your husband has money? That's messed up. It's fine to have individual checking accounts, but if he's the one working while you're taking care of your child, there either has to be another (joint) account for household expenses, or he has to give you money for household expenses. What kind of man could see his wife going without, and needing something, and then just let her deal with it elsewhere? How come your problems are not his problems?</div>
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and this is just awful. Are you supposed to get this money out of thin air? I could not SAH under those conditions.

 

[zippy_francis]

I just wanted to say that it is good that you want to fight for your marriage. I think so many people just give up when it is the tough times, and for me that was what made me a stronger, better person.<br><br>
For my DH and I our marriage was tough from day one. We were planning our wedding and a month before our wedding we found out we were pregnant (which I had been told 4 months prior that we would need fertility treatments in order for me to ever get prego). So about a month after our wedding my DH quit his job and went and started his own business, without my ok or even discussing it with me.<br><br>
They say your first year of marriage is the hardest. Which I imagine it is, but then we had a unplanned pregnancy, a new job for me and my DH starting his own business. There are no words to say how tough it was.<br><br>
We struggled for over 2 years. We added another child to the mix, he was working 6 days a week 100 plus hours. No help with the kids, or the house, while I was sick and pregnant and working the whole time. But I kept fighting, I really was the only person who was.<br><br>
Truth is I was about to give up, when things took a turn for the worse. Retrouvaille is what someone on MDC recommended to me and it totally changed our lives. You are welcome to PM if you have any questions. I am more than happy to let you know about Retrouvaille or whatever you may want to talk about.<br><br>
The one thing I learned is: No one has a perfect marriage, and anyone who pretends that they do is probably fooling themselves.<br><br>
It was tough for me to listen to people who talked as if everything is great, it made it tougher for me to work through our struggles. But I have since learned the grass may look greener but it usually never is. The reality is we all have struggles and have to work through them to the best of our abilities. Marriage is work, a really tough job.<br><br>
I hope this helps you feel better, hugs to you mama!

 

[zippy_francis]

Just to add, you should never be ok with being treated disrespectfully. I certainly know now, as my DH does, that he was treating me like a doormat (his words) more often than not. I just would not accept it, which is where alot of our 'issues' came from. I think communication breakdowns have a lot to do with it too. Sometimes, believe it or not, DH didnt realize how mean, hateful, disrespectfull he was. We just couldnt get on the same page. I also consumed TONS of books which helped too. One that I loved, was "The Five Love Languages".<br><br>
Of course no one can judge your situation but you, you are the one living it.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">

 

[MsChatsAlot]

Are you standing up for yourself or just complaining to him about things he's doing? There is a difference.<br><br>
If you are treating yourself with respect, believe you deserve to be treated with respect, treated equally, fairly, etc. then you will act in ways that make that clear to him and you won't put up with something that isn't working for you. But, if you just let it stew and bother you, then go to him and complain, he just sees it as a complaint and no one likes to hear complaints.<br><br>
When my partner does something that bothers me, he is showing me what I am already doing to myself. He's reflecting how I'm feeling about myself and honestly, how I'm treating myself. This is why it bothers me so much, because I realize that I'm not standing up for myself or treating myself in the way I know I need to be. If he does something that is disrespectful, I can look back and see that I was feeling like I didn't deserve better at that time (this does not mean that what he does is okay...but like what I think Dr.Phil said...we teach people how to treat us...so we can't play total victim in this regard). When I am taking care of myself and my partner does something I don't like, I call him on it immediately, because I'm taking care of myself and won't put up with anything less that what I know I absolutely deserve.<br><br>
When I take a stand on something, I then behave in a way that is in accordance with the fact that I deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and decency and my partner knows where things stand.